| Introduction
Although many adult
survivors believe otherwise, anger can be used as
either a weapon or a tool. Most of us experienced
anger when it was used as a weapon, in the form of
abuse...yelling, hitting, threatening, overpowering.
As child victims of this anger, we may learn to
perceive anger as dangerous & bad—something we
should not express, ever, because we might hurt
someone with it. Or...we may learn that anger
is a weapon we can use to keep people from hurting
us...by hurting them first. The former results in
depression & a variety of self-destructive
behaviors, such as self-sabotage, self-mutilation,
& eating disorders. The latter results in using
our anger to distance ourselves from others &/or
becoming abusers ourselves. "So,"
you say, "how can anger possibly be anything
but a weapon...how can it be a tool?"
Consider the
following scenario: A female adult survivor, who was
abused by her father, is working on her
recovery issues & discovers that she is feeling
anger toward her mother (a non-offending parent).
When told (by the daughter) about the abuse,
the mother expresses horror that such a thing could
happen to her daughter, disbelief that her husband
could have done this, & remorse that she did not
know about it soon enough to stop it. The daughter,
realizing that her mother knew nothing about the
abuse when it was occurring, feels guilty for
feeling anger toward her mother, & tries to talk
herself out of doing anything with her anger because
she believes it is "irrational" for her to
feel this way.
Is the daughter using
her anger as a weapon or a tool? If she manages to
ignore her anger & stuff it away, sooner or
later, that anger will come back to haunt her, in
the form of self-destructive behavior. If she blows
up at her mother (yelling, calling her names,
hitting, etc.), she is being abusive. In both cases,
she is using anger as a weapon. If she decides
to talk with her mother about her anger, expressing
it without becoming abusive, she is using the anger
as a tool for healing herself & healing her
relationship with her mother.
Let’s assume, with
this particular example, that the daughter is angry
with her mother for not protecting her from abuse by
her father. "How could she protect her daughter
when she didn't know about it?" you ask. A
seemingly logical question...but logic doesn’t
apply here...feelings aren’t logical (remember Mr.
Spock!).
Emotions that stem
from childhood abuse are experienced from the
perspective of the child at the time of the
abuse—that is, when you feel angry with your
mother for not protecting you when you were being
abused at age 5, you are feeling your anger from the
perspective of that 5-year-old, not from the
perspective of the adult you are now. That
5-year-old wants “MOMMY” there “NOW” to
protect her. It is that past awareness of a need for
protection that results in these feelings of anger.
We need to deal with them in the present in order to
resolve them. They won’t just go away.
So...how can anger be
used as a tool? Anger is something like a
barometer—it measures the need to protect
ourselves. When we feel angry or behave
angrily, we need to look at what is happening in our
lives & determine what it is we are needing to
protect. For example, when asked to do something for
someone else, an adult survivor may feel anger when
she gives an automatic "yes" response
&, then, at some level, realizes she did not
want to do what she agreed to do. When an adult
survivor pays attention to this feeling &
respects its message, she can take steps to change
her response to a "no" or, at least, work
at becoming more assertive so she can say
"no" on future occasions. Anger is also
something like a battery—it provides energy that
allows us to take action. The daughter mentioned in
our scenario might also use her anger to provide
energy for her involvement in a career or volunteer
position doing child protection work.
There is an
alternative to using anger as a weapon. That
alternative—using anger as a tool—requires
several courses of action. We must: (1) recognize
that we are angry about a particular
situation/event; (2) acknowledge our right to feel
angry about it; (3) acknowledge our right to feel
angry toward a particular person, if the situation
resulted from another's actions; (4) acknowledge our
right to express the anger we are feeling; (5) allow
ourselves to express our anger, in a constructive,
non-destructive manner; (6) figure out what we will
have to do in the future in order to protect or take
care of ourselves in similar situations; & (7)
follow through on these means of protection.
Our prisons are full
of adult survivors who have expressed their anger
destructively by abusing others. Our hospitals are
utilized daily by those who have taken their anger
out destructively on themselves. Self-protection is
a necessary action—one that will lead to health
& happiness. Do not assume that anger can only
be used as a weapon—there is another way. Anger
can be used as a valuable tool in our process of
recovery—one that will serve us well for the rest
of our lives.
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