10 May 2006
	Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. A non-profit making organisation based in the UK dedicated to provide help, support and information to any adult who is suffering from past childhood abuse.

Taking Control of Personal Finances

As a survivor of sexual child abuse, I've become acquainted with a number of other survivors for whom I have deep affection and respect. Over the years, I have learned that many of us struggle daily with issues that don't appear in articles about the
aftereffects of sexual abuse. Some of the challenges that consume our energy may include keeping our living space as clean as we'd like; paying bills on time; knowing how much money we have in the bank; and avoiding being re-traumatized by banks, credit card companies, employers, and others. If we're dealing with memories or other stressful events at the same time, however, the energy available for these daily struggles may be in short supply. When that is the case, it helps to know how to use the limited energy we have as effectively as possible.

That's what this article is all about.

Financial Matters Can Be Emotional "Triggers"

One of the problems I've heard about from survivors involves the difficulty many have managing their financial situations. I've heard survivors say that they've misplaced bills, bounced checks, or haven't balanced their checkbooks in years. Usually, there is a great deal of shame associated with these behaviours. In fact, many survivors seem to think that doing such things means they're "irresponsible."

For starters, let me say that the survivors I know are probably the most responsible people in the world. The dynamics
of child sexual abuse often cause survivors to feel responsible for circumstances they don't actually control. But many times, such feelings of responsibility may interfere with getting some tasks done because we may try
to take on much more than anybody could possibly handle. In this article, I'll explain how such issues may affect the ways some of us organize and complete financial tasks.

Factors That May Interfere With Meeting Financial Obligations
There are many reasons why paying bills can be a stressful experience for survivors, including the following:

* Unemployment or underemployment: The impact of processing past abuse
can impair a survivor's ability to function in the workforce, producing
financial stress and emphasizing problems such as low self-esteem. These
are very real and important issues for some of us and they can make the
bill-paying process a painful experience.

* Issues involving authority figures: For some survivors, paying bills
may feel like an encounter with an authority figure. Some of us may feel a
desire to rebel against being forced to adhere to a bill-paying schedule set
by a powerful, anonymous source. That feeling may be exacerbated by the
fact that, when paying bills, we actually are giving up the control or use
of something that belongs to us (i.e., money). It's not surprising that
some of us feel that those to whom we owe money are somehow controlling or
using us, much as we were controlled and used as children.

* Medical aftereffects of abuse: Some survivors also find themselves
dealing with physical problems that may be directly or indirectly
attributable to their abuse, including chronic pain, gynecological
conditions, and gastrointestinal disorders. When you think about it, it's
not hard to understand that for someone who is suffering from chronic pain,
it's difficult to concentrate on anything else. Such pain can deplete the
energy some survivors need to attend to personal business.

* Dissociation: Many of us learned to dissociate during abusive or
other threatening situations, so it's not surprising that the same mechanism
may be activated when we're faced with unpleasant tasks such as balancing
checkbooks or paying bills. I've heard survivors say that they can't
remember where they put their bills, or they can't remember their bills' due
dates. When faced with multiple tasks such as searching for bills,
balancing checkbooks, reviewing bills for accuracy, paying them, and
recalculating their checkbook balances, survivors may feel overwhelmed.
Ironically, feeling overwhelmed can cause additional dissociation, which
only makes matters worse.

Getting a Handle on What Needs to Be Done

When I'm recalling childhood abuse or coping with the feelings associated with it, I rarely have the strength for any
activity not necessary for survival. To get through such times, I've learned to use "To Do" lists and a hand-held cassette recorder that I carry around with me to simply record the bills that come in or other things that need to be done. I don't attempt to complete complicated tasks during the days immediately before and after remembering a specific abuse incident; I simply note them so that I can address them when I emerge from a crisis. It's an effective way for me to prevent memories of childhood abuse from creating new crises in my adult life.

Tackling the Bill Paying Process
As we all know, recording what you need to do is a major step, but it's only the first one you'll need to take. As it turns out, the most important step in organizing your bill-paying may be to deliberately figure out why you want to do it. One way to do this is to make a list of the benefits you would receive from paying your bills on time, knowing where they are located, and keeping a record of how much money you've spent each month -- and for what purpose. This "Benefits List" may
include reasons such as taking charge of an important part of your daily life, breaking the cycle of crisis management, eliminating the need to handle telephone calls from creditors and the fear associated with that, and developing a sense of accomplishment.

After you've completed your Benefits List,
take another piece of paper and list the reasons you've found it difficult to organize your bill-paying in the past. We'll call this the "Obstacles List." Don't fall into the trap of simply labeling yourself a "procrastinator." Get past the label, ask yourself why you've procrastinated, and write down some of these reasons.

Next, take another look at the Benefits List to remind yourself why you want to pay your bills on time. Then review your
Obstacles List and think about how you can make each obstacle easier to overcome. Again, take notes -- they may help you later. Spend some time identifying the feelings that the bill-paying process may evoke, such as a sense of being
out of control.

After identifying the feelings or events that are triggered by the bill-paying process, use a third piece of paper to list the differences between past events or feelings and your current situation. Let's call this the "Past and Present List." Make two columns on this paper and label them "then" and "now." Ask yourself how your current decision to organize your finances differs from the events that made you feel afraid or out of control as a child. Such differences may include the following: you are now an adult, your abuser isn't forcing you to do this, this is something you are doing for yourself, and accomplishing this task will in fact give you more control over your life. Continue to review the three lists you've made, and discuss them with your therapist or a friend until you feel you can take the next step toward organizing and paying your bills.

Breaking the Process Down lnto Smaller Parts

An effective strategy for accomplishing an unpleasant or overwhelming task is to break it into smaller, more
manageable, tasks. This method is particularly adaptable to paying bills and is a good way to limit your exposure to the stress that may result from doing so.

If unopened bills are scattered throughout your house, car, and office, the first thing to do is find them and put them
together in a file or desk drawer. You may open them and throw away the excess paper as you put them away, or you may make that your second step, to be done in the next day or two. After completing these tasks, you will be ready to begin the monthly process of paying bills.

Each time you receive a bill, open it and file it in the drawer or file folder you have set aside for this purpose. I recommend using an accordion file. They are inexpensive and available at office supply stores and supermarkets. Alternatively, you may create separate file folders for each payment date. Each section of the file can be labeled with the time of the month that bill will be paid. Count back approximately five days from the date the bill is due, and file it in the appropriate section. Try to keep your payment dates down to no more than four each month. By minimizing the number of payment dates, you simplify
the filing process and reduce the number of times you write checks. Make a note on your calendar of the payment dates in your filing system.

Paying the Bills
When you arrive at the bill-paying date on your calendar, get your checkbook ready and remove the bills from that section of your file. Before you begin writing checks, it's important to review each bill for accuracy. For example, look at each of the charges on your credit card statement to ensure that the item hasn't been billed previously. Since you've separated the bills by date, it won't take long to look them over. If you find a discrepancy, set up a time within the next few days to contact the credit card company and deduct that amount from the balance. Although it's important to contact the company promptly, you may find it's easier to give yourself a day to prepare before making the call.

When you're satisfied that the bills are correct, write the checks, remembering to note the account numbers on the face of each check. Finally, deduct the amount of the checks written from the checkbook balance.

Automating the Process
For those with access to a computer, I highly recommend using a checkbook or personal finance software package like
Quicken. There are many programs available, with features ranging from simple check-recording to printing checks or creating reports and graphs. Prices range from $15 for simple check-recording packages to $85 for the most sophisticated commercial packages. Good packages with the most popular features are available for about $50. Most of these mid-priced software packages will help you balance your checkbook, print reports you can use to prepare your taxes, help you prepare a budget, and even allow you to automatically transfer the information to a tax software package to case stress at tax time. If you choose not to use the software to print your checks, you'll need to enter the checks in the computer each time you write them. The software will keep track of your balance.

Many of these software packages also will allow you to electronically transfer funds from your bank account(s) to your
creditors' accounts. To use an electronic fund transfer (EFF) system, you'll need to have a modem and to contact your bank and creditors for instructions.

Some Closing Thoughts
Many of us learned as children that denial and avoidance were effective tools for coping with situations over which we
had no control. When we maintain those strategies as adults, however, they can negatively affect our ability to solve daily problems. The challenge is to distinguish between the things we can now control and childhood events that were beyond our control. In all likelihood, you will feel a sense of personal achievement from using these simple but powerful strategies to
organize your finances. Each time we take control of another aspect of our lives, we move one step closer toward recovery and create one more way to measure our progress.

Author's name withheld by request.

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