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07 August 2005 |
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Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. A non-profit making organisation based in the UK dedicated to provide help, support and information to any adult who is suffering from past childhood abuse. |
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Ritual
of Reconciliation:
An Alternative to Litigation
by Mic Hunter Psy.D.,
LP, LMFT
In
recent years increasing numbers of survivors of childhood sexual abuse have sued
their perpetrators for damages. Litigation serves to punish those responsible
for the abuse, focuses society's attention on the problem of sexual abuse,
and provides the victimized person some financial compensation for suffering
experienced. Since the process by its very nature is adversarial it can be time
consuming and emotionally costly for the survivor. The attorneys representing
the alleged offender often seek to deny that any abusive act took place, to
minimize the impact of any abuse that may have taken place, and to discredit the
survivor as insane, lying, greedy, or experiencing false memories. The survivor
must repeatedly retell the horrors of childhood abuse to hostile strangers who
attempt to find contradictions in what has been said in depositions which were
taken over many months. Too often the survivor's psychotherapy effectively
grinds to a halt for the years that the case is in the court system because the
survivor is too preoccupied with the responsibilities of the legal action, or
because the therapist is intimidated by the likelihood of being called into
court to testify. Useful therapeutic techniques such as hypnosis are abandoned
for fear that opposing legal counsel with ask the court to dismiss the case
because the use of hypnosis renders the victim's testimony unreliable. In short,
such suits are messy. Even when the final verdict is rendered the victim may not
have received an apology and admission of responsibility from the guilty party
even if court order payment is made.
There are alternatives to legal action that can be just
as empowering for the survivor and yet are much less emotionally costly. I have
been involved as a psychotherapist in several cases where clients have elected
to take part in a ritual of reconciliation rather than file law suits. One such
man (who asked to be called C.A.) came to me because he was having trouble
staying sober even though he had completed chemical dependency treatment and
attended a weekly support group. When he described his past he disclosed as an
adolescent he had been sexually abused by a clergyman. At my suggestion C.A.
joined a group for men who had been sexually abused as children and continued to
see me for individual psychotherapy. After approximately one year he began to
discuss the possibility of suiting the perpetrating clergyman's church for
damages related to the abuse. After meeting with several attorney's C.A. was
less enthusiastic about the legal process which would be involved. During the
next psychotherapy session he decided to contact representatives of the church
and directly ask for a specific dollar amount which represented the money he had
spent on treatment and had lost in wages due to his mental disorders.
The church official he contacted by letter asked him to
return to the State where the abuse had taken place. C.A. insisted that any
officials who needed to be involved in determining if the church would make
payment meet with him in my office. Several weeks later a clergyman met with
C.A. and myself. During that session C.A. told the clergyman the sexual abuse
which had taken place in his home town church those many years ago. The
clergyman listened respectfully and inquired if there was anything else which
the church could do to atone for the sin which had been committed. C.A. agreed
to develop a ritual of reconciliation and recontact the clergyman. Although it
was a painful process for C.A., he came away from that session empowered for
having asked for what he wanted and for being heard by a representative of the
church.
A few weeks later the clergyman contacted C.A. to
report that his supervisor had authorized him to make financial restitution in
the amount requested. He also agreed to take part in the ritual of
reconciliation at the very church where the abuse had taken place.
On the allotted day C.A. and I flew to his home town.
As the church came into sight he began to cry. "It's just like I remembered
it. I hate this place" he sobbed. For the next few hours C.A. took his
mother, his significant other, the clergyman and myself on a tour of the church
and described in detail what had taken place. Many tears were shed and more than
a few curses made that afternoon. At last we found ourselves in the prayer room
where the perpetrating clergyman had gone after committing the abuse. We
gathered there and each person read a thoughtfully prepared statement to C.A.
His mother apologized for allowing the offending clergyman to take C.A. from the
house the day the abuse took place. His significant other offered her support.
As his psychotherapist I read a statement (See Document on the Witnessing of
Reconciliation). Finally the clergyman accepted responsibility for the abuse in
the name of the church, and offered a blessing. Photographs of those present
were made so C.A. would have physical proof of the event and then we gathered
for a fine meal.
Words can not describe the powerful effect that this
ritual had on everyone who took part in it. Each person was changed in a
positive way. The church was able to make amends to someone who had been
mistreated by one of its clergy. C.A. was able to stand up for himself and
demand justice in the very place where he had been abused. His pain was
recognized and he was comforted. In the weeks that followed C.A. was able to
take action in a number of areas of his life in which he had been
procrastinating. Rather than spending years in court being emotionally
reassaulted he was listened to, and treated with respect. He obtained justice.
I sincerely hope that other's who have been abused will
seek this course of action if it is available to them. I think it could
revolutionize the relationship that sexual abuse survivors and organized
religion have had in the past.
Document
on the Witnessing of Reconciliation
Let it be
know to all gathered here within and to all others with interest in this matter
that I, Mic Hunter, have been privileged to the most personal aspects of C.A.'s
life for a significant number of months. During this time I have found him to be
a worthwhile young man who has suffered under a burden of shame and other
emotional distress. A major source of C.A.'s pain was the misuse of authority by
a trusted representative of his religious community. This mistreatment caused
C.A. to reject the teachings of his church and the support of those within any
religion which lead to him leading a lonely existence. This same abuse resulted
in C.A.'s relationship with his creator being severely damaged to the point of
being spirituality isolated.
Let it also be known to all who share an interest in
this matter that C.A. has chosen to reach out in the spirit of justice and
forgiveness to those who represent the one who harmed him. He has chosen to be
believe that there are some crimes which are better handled by the laws of God
and morality than by the laws of human courts.
I, Mic Hunter, by the authority invested in me by the
Minnesota Board of Psychology, and Minnesota Board of Marriage and Family
Therapy do hereby publicly declare that C.A. is sane and honest. Therefore, any
reasonable person ought to accept what C.A. has disclosed concerning the events
which he has described to us.
As a member of the human family it is my sincere desire
that C.A. be at last freed of his painful burden by whatever psychological and
spiritual means necessary. On this date I ask that any and all blocks that
prevent C.A. from obtaining and maintaining a joyous, intimate relationship with
the God of his understanding be removed. May his soul, sexuality and mind be
healed so that he lives a long life filled with serenity. May this be so from
this day forward until the last minute of the last hour of the last day of his
life.
Mic Hunter has a
solo psychotherapy practice in St. Paul, Minnesota. He is the author of Abused
Boys:The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse
and Joyous Sexuality:Healing From the Effects of Family Sexual Dysfunction
.