07 August 2005
	Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. A non-profit making organisation based in the UK dedicated to provide help, support and information to any adult who is suffering from past childhood abuse.

Holiday Cheers or Tears
By Eliana Gil, Ph.D.

Why is it that so many people look forward to the holidays while others can't wait for them to come and go quickly? The reasons are complex. Holiday seasons are times of the year that symbolize family unity, friendships, giving and receiving, and celebration.

Thanksgiving, for example, is a holiday dedicated to giving thanks for the good fortunes of the previous year. Christmas or Hanukkah are religious holidays as well as holidays replete with ritual ceremonies that include giving and receiving gifts. Both of these holidays, which are rapidly approaching, have become occasions for families to gather together.

Television ads and programs depict happy families laughing and hugging as they sit down to large, festive holiday meals. Movies abound with the theme of families reuniting after long separations or estrangements.

Commercialism is evident as stores promote their merchandise as perfect holiday presents. For many it is, indeed, a time of warm memories of holidays past -- a time for repeating the traditions of yesteryear.

For others, however, the holiday seasons bring up painful memories of yesteryear memories of deprivation, longing, violence, and/or sexual abuse.  The holidays may represent longing for family unity that did not exist, or
warmth and support never provided. Adults with abusive childhoods may feel frightened, worried, or unhappy during this time of the year.

If you have a partner or spouse with a history of childhood abuse or neglect, he or she maybe reticent to make plans, and may have little enthusiasm for celebrations. It is important to remember that the holidays may trigger unhappy memories and feelings. Survivors may need a great deal of support and understanding. If you are the partner or spouse of an adult
survivor, and you have positive memories of childhood, there may be certain things you can do to be helpful:

1 . Be understanding. It may be difficult to empathize with someone who is unable or unwilling to get into the holiday spirit. You may find it unreasonable or unusual that your partner doesn't like, or look forward to, the holidays. Don't let his or her feelings "ruin" your experience. Simply understand that you have different histories and, therefore, different expectations. This is often easier said than done, but it's important to avoid falling into the trap where your enthusiasm is dampened by your partner and you end up resenting him or her for ruining your holidays. Anticipate potential problems, generate some ideas about how to confront them, and communicate with your partner or spouse. Don't let the holidays "creep up" on you. Be prepared.

2. Don't pressure. Avoid pressuring your partner or spouse into making commitments for the holidays. You might do better presenting alternatives, and asking him or her to think them over and let you know what he or she decides. When you present the alternatives, make sure you let your partner know specifically why you would like him or her to participate and how you envision your time together.

3 . Create new family traditions. This is probably the key to combating the depression of the holidays. Your partner may be reminded of many unhappy and painful incidents regarding the holidays. There is nothing that can be done to change the past, but you can change the present. Let your partner know that you want to create new holiday traditions. You may decide to stay at home, invite friends over, or go out for dinner, a movie, or some other activity. I once knew a couple who had created a huge extended family comprised of special friends. Neither husband nor wife, both of whom had endured childhood traumas, had strong family ties. Rather than long for what could not be, they created new family bonds with people they loved who could demonstrate their caring in a warm and appropriate fashion.

4. Start a scrapbook of new "memories." Be sure that you record your happy memories by taking pictures and building a scrapbook. You can later look at the pictures and be reminded of happy moments you were able to create in your current relationship. It's important to take pictures or keep mementos because too often it is easy to forget the new and less frequent happy experiences, especially when compared to the years of unhappy experiences that might have preceded them.

5. Make agreements about gifts. Giving and receiving gifts may be difficult for some survivors of childhood sexual abuse. They may have low self-esteem that affects their ability to trust their choices. Be sure to give your partner some clues about the things you would like to receive. For example, one woman always purchased clothing for her husband. It turned out that the husband had always been given clothing by his parents, even as a child when he wanted toys. He, therefore, experienced negative feelings when receiving clothes as gifts. Instead, he wanted adult toys (like golf clubs or computer games) or food (like a special meal, a cake, etc.). Once she understood that her husband actually preferred certain gifts, she was able to create new and happy experiences for him. What's important is communicating and listening to what your partner can tell you about the kinds of gifts he or she might enjoy, and vice versa.

6 . Keep communicating. Keep telling or showing each other what you like and don't like. If you make a decision to do something, talk about it afterwards -- sharing what you liked or didn't like, or what might have felt better. Always remember the basic tools of communication: talk about your feelings don't accuse or attack, and be descriptive when you share your
thoughts. Don't say "I had a good time tonight." Rather, say, "I liked how we talked together about being children, and I liked how thoughtful you were to order a table in the corner so it was more quiet, and I loved dancing with you, even though I know that's not your favorite thing to do." By being descriptive, your partner will know specifically what you liked and didn't
like.

Above all, respect that you and your partner or spouse have had different experiences and may, therefore, approach the holidays with varying degrees of trepidation or excitement. Take the time to understand and help each other, and create your own kind of safe and nurturing holiday celebration. The past cannot be relived, but changing the present is an investment in your future.

Eliana Gil, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage family, and child counselor, and
the author of several books, including Outgrowing the Pain Together. A Book
for Spouses and Partners of Abuse Survivors. She is an editorial advisor to
Moving Forward.

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