10 May 2006
	Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. A non-profit making organisation based in the UK dedicated to provide help, support and information to any adult who is suffering from past childhood abuse.

A Time to Heal

Ann was everyone's shoulder to cry on; a rescuer of anyone with a problem.

Poised and impeccable in appearance, she gave not even a hint of having

secret emotional wounds, until one day she began to remember. "I was at

work," recalls Ann, "and I started getting pains and intense feelings of

shame. I could hardly stand up! For days I suffered. Then a memory came back

of my stepfather molesting me-really, it was rape. And it was not the only

time."

THERE is "a time to heal." And for many victims of

childhood abuse-like Ann-the emergence of long-buried memories is an

important part of the healing process.

How, though, could anyone forget something as traumatic as sexual assault?

Consider how helpless a child is against the advances of a father or of some

other powerful adult. She cannot run. She dare not scream. And she dare not

tell-anyone! Yet, she may have to face her abuser every day and act as if

nothing happened. Maintaining such a pretense would be difficult for an

adult; it is nearly impossible for a child. So she uses the tremendous

imagination with which children are endowed and escapes mentally! She

pretends the abuse didn't happen, blanking it out or numbing her senses to

it.

Actually, from time to time, all of us block out things we don't want to see

or hear.  But abuse victims use this ability as a

tool of survival. Some victims report: "I pretended it was happening to

someone else and I was just a spectator." "I pretended I was asleep." "I did

my math problems in my head."-Strong at the Broken Places, by Linda T.

Sanford.

Not surprisingly, then, the book Surviving Child Sexual Abuse claims: "It is

estimated that up to 50 per cent of survivors of child sexual abuse are not

aware of these experiences." Some, though, may recall the abuse itself but

block out the feelings connected with it-the pain, the rage, the shame.

Repression-Tug-of-War in the Mind

Is it not best, then, that these things stay buried-that victims simply

forget about them? Some may well choose to do so. Others simply cannot

"If I smile and try to forget my pain, all my

suffering comes back to haunt me." (Today's English Version) The repression

of frightening memories is an exhausting mental effort, a ferocious game of

tug-of-war that may even have serious health consequences.

As a victim gets older, the pressures of life often weaken her ability to

repress the past. A whiff of cologne, a familiar-looking face, a startling

sound, or even an examination by a doctor or a dentist may trigger a

frightening onslaught of memories and feelings. Should she not simply try

harder to forget? At this point many victims find relief in trying to

remember! Says a woman named Jill: 'Once the memories are brought out, they

lose their power. To keep them in is more painful and dangerous than to

dispose of them.'

The Value of Acknowledging

Why so? For one thing, remembering allows a victim to grieve. Grief is a

natural reaction to trauma; it helps us to put distressing events behind us.

An abuse victim, though, has been denied her

grief, forced to deny her horrifying experience, made to bottle up her pain.

Such repression may result in what doctors call posttraumatic stress

disorder-a numbed state virtually devoid of emotion.

As memories begin to return, the victim may virtually relive the abuse. Some

victims even temporarily regress to a childlike state. "When a flashback is

in progress," recalls Jill, "I often have physical symptoms. Sometimes the

memories are so oppressive, I feel I am being driven to madness."

Long-suppressed childhood rage may now come tumbling forth. "Remembering

plunges me into depression and anger," says Sheila. But under these unique

circumstances, anger is appropriate. You are grieving, expressing pent-up

righteous rage! You have a right to hate the wicked acts perpetrated against

you.

Says one abuse victim: "When I was able to really remember, I had a great

sense of relief . . . At least now I knew what I was dealing with. As

difficult as it was on me to remember, it did give me back a part of my life

that had become scary because it was so unknown and mysterious."-The Right

to Innocence.

Remembering may also help a victim to get to the root of some of her

problems. "I always knew I had deep self-hatred and anger but didn't know

why," says one victim of incest. Remembering helps many to realize that what

happened was not their fault, that they were victimized.

Of course, not all remember their abuse as dramatically or as vividly as

others. And most counselors agree that it is not necessary to recall every

detail of one's abuse in order to heal from its effects. Simply

acknowledging that abuse occurred can be a big step toward recovery.

Getting Support

If you are a victim of childhood sexual abuse, do not ride out the storm of

returning memories by yourself. It helps to talk out your feelings. (Compare

Job 10:1; 32:20.) Some who are extremely distressed may decide to seek the

help of a qualified physician, counselor, or mental-health professional. In

any case, a trusted friend, a marriage mate, family members, or Christian

overseers who will listen with empathy and respect can also be valuable

allies. "My biggest help has been my best friend, Julie," says Janet. "She's

allowed me to talk over and over again about a memory. She allows me to feel

the emotions that result. She listens and responds with understanding."

Trust is a risky business, and you may feel unworthy of receiving someone's

help-or be too ashamed to talk about your abuse. But a true friend is "born

for when there is distress" and may very well rise to the occasion if you

give him or her a chance. (Proverbs 17:17) Be selective, though, about whom

you confide in. Learn to reveal your concerns gradually. If a friend proves

to be sympathetic and discreet, then you might try disclosing more.

It also helps to take good care of yourself physically. Get sufficient rest.

Exercise moderately. Maintain a healthy diet. If possible, simplify your

life. Feel free to weep. The pain may seem never ending, but in time it will

subside. Remember: You lived through the abuse as a helpless child-and

survived! As an adult, you have resources and strengths you didn't have back

then. (Compare 1 Corinthians 13:11.) So face your painful memories and put

them to rest. Rely on God for strength. Said the psalmist: "However great

the anxiety of my heart, your consolations soothe me."-Psalm 94:19, The New

Jerusalem Bible.

Getting Rid of the Guilt and Shame

Ending self-blame is another important task of recovery. "Even now it's hard

for me to think I was innocent," says a victim named Reba. "I wonder, why

didn't I stop him?"

Bear in mind, though, that abusers employ the most diabolic means of

coercion: authority ('I'm your father!'), threats ('I'll kill you if you

tell!'), brute physical force and even guilt ('If you tell, Daddy will go to

jail.'). Conversely, some use gentle persuasion or gifts and favors. Some

misrepresent sexual activities as a game or as parental affection. "He said

that this is what people do when they love each other," recalls one victim.

How could a little child resist such emotional blackmail and trickery?

(Compare Ephesians 4:14.) Yes, the abuser coldly exploits the fact that

children are helpless, vulnerable, "babes as to badness."-1 Corinthians

14:20.

Perhaps, then, you need to remind yourself just how vulnerable and helpless

you were as a child. You might try spending time with some small children or

looking at childhood pictures of yourself. Supportive friends can also help

by constantly reminding you that the abuse was not your fault.

Still, one woman says: "I get sick when I remember the feelings my father

aroused in me." Some victims (58 percent in one study) recall experiencing

arousal during the molestation. Understandably, this causes them much shame.

The book Surviving Child Sexual Abuse reminds us, however, that "physical

arousal [is] simply the body's automatic [response] to being touched or

stimulated in certain ways" and that a child has "no control over this

arousal." The abuser alone thus bears full responsibility for what

transpired. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Take comfort, too, in knowing that God views you as "blameless and innocent"

in the matter. (Philippians 2:15) In time any urge to engage in

self-destructive behaviour may diminish, and you can learn to cherish your

own flesh.-Compare Ephesians 5:29.

Coming to Terms With Your Parents

This may prove to be one of the most difficult tasks of recovery. Some

continue to be filled with anger, fantasies of revenge-or guilt. One abuse

victim said: "I am depressed because I think Jehovah expects me to forgive

my molester, and I can't." On the other hand, you may live in morbid fear of

your abuser. Or you may have hostile feelings toward your mother if she

closed her eyes to the abuse or reacted with denial or anger when abuse was

revealed. "My mother told me that I'd have to make allowances for [my

father]," recalls one woman bitterly.

It is only natural to feel angry when one has suffered abuse. Nevertheless,

the ties that bind families can be strong, and you may not want to cut off

all contact with your parents. You may even be willing to consider a

reconciliation. Much, though, would depend on the circumstances. Victims are

sometimes inclined to forgive their parents outright-not excusing the abuse,

but refusing to be consumed with resentment or controlled by fear.

Preferring to avoid an emotional confrontation, some are content to 'have

their say in their heart' and let matters rest.-Psalm 4:4.

You may come to feel, however, that matters can be resolved only by

confronting your parents with the abuse-in person, by phone, or by letter.

(Compare Matthew 18:15.) If so, be sure you have recovered sufficiently-or

at least have enough support-to withstand the emotional storm that might

erupt. Since little will be accomplished by a shouting match, try to be firm

but calm. (Proverbs 29:11) You might proceed by stating (1) what took place,

(2) how it has affected you, and (3) what you expect from them now (such as

apologies, payment for doctor bills, or changes in conduct). At the very

least, bringing matters out in the open may help dispel any lingering

feelings that you are powerless. And it just might pave the way for a new

relationship with your parents.

For example, your father might acknowledge the abuse, expressing deep

remorse. He may also have made sincere efforts to change, perhaps by getting

treatment for alcohol addiction or by pursuing a study of the Bible. Your

mother may likewise beg your forgiveness for her having failed to protect

you. Sometimes a full reconciliation may result. However, do not be

surprised if you still feel ambivalent about your parents and prefer not to

rush into a close relationship with them. At the very least, though, you may

be able to resume reasonable family dealings.

On the other hand, the confrontation may trigger a torrent of denial and

verbal abuse from the molester and other family members. Worse, you may

discover that he is still a threat to you. Forgiveness may then be

inappropriate, a close relationship impossible.-Compare Psalm 139:21.

In any event, it may take considerable time before your hurt feelings

subside. You may need to remind yourself repeatedly that final justice

belongs to God. (Romans 12:19) Talking things over with a supportive

listener or even expressing your feelings in writing may likewise help you

work out your anger. With God's help you can work through your anger. With

the passage of time, hurtful feelings will no longer dominate your

thinking.-Compare Psalm 119:133.

A Spiritual Recovery

Space does not permit us to discuss all the emotional, behavioural, and

spiritual issues involved. Suffice it to say that you can do much to

facilitate your recovery by "making your mind over" with the help of God's

Word. (Romans 12:2) 'Stretch forward to the things ahead,' filling your life

with spiritual thoughts and activity.-Philippians 3:13; 4:8, 9.

For example, many abuse victims find much comfort simply by reading through

the Psalms. Even greater benefits come, though, by diligently applying Bible

principles. In time marital stress can ease. (Ephesians 5:21-33) Destructive

behaviour can cease. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11) Unhealthy sexual feelings can

heal. (Proverbs 5:15-20; 1 Corinthians 7:1-5) You can also learn balance in

your personal relationships and build solid moral boundaries.-Philippians

2:4; 1 Thessalonians 4:11.

Make no mistake: Recovery requires real determination and supreme effort!

Psalm 126:5, though, assures us: "Those sowing seed with tears will reap

even with a joyful cry." Remember, too, that the true God, Jehovah, is

interested in your welfare. He is "near to those that are broken at heart;

and those who are crushed in spirit he saves." (Psalm 34:18) Says one abuse

victim: "When I finally realized that Jehovah was aware of every feeling I

had and that he cared-really cared-then I finally felt peace inside."

Our loving God, Jehovah, offers even more than peace of mind. He promises a

new world of righteousness, where he will wipe out every memory of childhood

pain. (Revelation 21:3, 4; see also Isaiah 65:17.) This hope can sustain and

strengthen you as you travel the road toward full recovery.

Some memories begin their emergence in the form of psychosomatic pains;

others are in the form of hallucinations that may be mistaken for demonic

activity-intruder sounds, such as doors opening; shadowy figures that move

by doorways and windows; the feeling of an invisible presence in bed. Such

distress generally ceases when the memories fully emerge.

Valuable information on helping abuse victims is found on pages 27-31 in the

October 1, 1983, issue of our companion journal, The Watchtower. We

recommend that all congregation elders refer back to that issue and pay

careful attention to any cases referred to them.

Ways to Recover

. Remembering and acknowledging the abuse

. Grieving over the abuse

. Talking out one's feelings with a supportive listener

. Overcoming feelings of guilt and shame

. Coming to terms with one's parents

. Applying Bible principles to change destructive behaviour

. Healing unhealthy sexual feelings

. Developing healthy personal and moral boundaries

. Developing a close relationship with God and fellow Christians

Releasing the Past

Memories are usually released over a period of weeks, months, or years,

each emerging memory bringing on a temporary crisis. The Right to Innocence

says that at times "you may feel like you are backsliding. You aren't. You

are getting better. In actuality, you have gained the strength necessary to

face deeper, even more painful feelings and awareness's." With good reason,

though, recovering may temporarily become a person's all-consuming

concern.-Proverbs 18:14.

Some victims find it beneficial to read or hear the expressions of other

victims. Looking at family photos and childhood memorabilia, visiting

childhood sites, and talking to supportive friends and family members may

also stir up memories. Particularly effective are writing exercises. Some

victims record all they remember of their trauma in a journal. Others pour

out their feelings in a letter to their abuser-one that is not sent-which

often triggers further memories. Prayer too is a powerful tool of recovery.

Like the psalmist you can pray: "Examine me, and know my disquieting

thoughts, and see whether there is in me any painful way, and lead me in the

way of time indefinite."-Psalm 139:23, 24.

Facing the past and putting it together again can be one step toward healing

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