10 May 2006
A non-profit making organisation based in the UK dedicated to provide help, support and information to any adult who is suffering from past childhood abuse.
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10 May 2006 |
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Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. A non-profit making organisation based in the UK dedicated to provide help, support and information to any adult who is suffering from past childhood abuse. |
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My
name is Julia. I was physically and sexually abused as a child. Both of my
parents were violent towards each other and towards my brother and I. My father
molested me.
During
an email conversation with Jamie, it turned out that we were both reading the
same set of books! Jamie asked if I would like to write a review of the books
for the HAVOCA website. After the usual panic…”Oh my God – I’m not good
enough; smart enough; organised; worthy….” and getting a grip of myself, I
decided to give it a go! So here goes, and here it is!
The
books tell the story of a battered, neglected and lonely child; his experiences,
from his first memories, through to the present, and the description of being
abused through a child’s eyes. Dave Pelzer is that child, and he has written
his books so that others may read his story, and gain strength from his
resilience, and learn how to survive well.
Dave
suffered the worst documented case of child abuse in the history of California.
As
an adult survivor of child abuse, I got an amazing sense of strength,
determination and optimism from reading the books, and an infectious desire to
do something with my life. In his first book, “A Child Called ‘It’” Dave
transports us into his childhood; his starved, tortured, poisoned and humiliated
childhood. The abuse culminates in Dave’s alcoholic, deranged mother, stabbing
him and leaving him for dead. Because the book is written from a young child’s
point of view, it is very real and gripping right from the start. I often felt
the echo of Dave’s sentiments and thoughts at the time, in my own memories.
This also made it difficult to read, personally, but none-the-less, I could not
put it down! I feel as though I have gained a clearer understanding of my own
thoughts about my abuse, through reading Dave’s thoughts, and understanding,
for the first time, how very wrong my abuse was. ‘The boy’ is forced to
sleep on an old army cot down in the cellar, in the cold, without food or water,
and was only allowed to surface when he had chores to do, or school to go to.
His chores had to be done at break-neck speed, or Dave would find himself
subject to one of his Mother’s sick punishment games. The punishments get
worse as The Mother deteriorates. This is partly due to her consumption of
alcohol, and the absence of her alcoholic husband, but mainly due to her
massively distorted sense of self-pity and self-importance. The way David clung
desperately to the hope that his old “Mommy” would return is painful and
highlights the awful position abused children are in. The first book ends when
Dave is ‘rescued’ from his Mother, by the school Nurse, and teachers. He is
then put into Foster Care.
This
is where the second book begins. In “The Lost Boy”, Dave described what
Foster Care was like for him. The encounters with Foster parents, other children
and his Social Worker are vividly recounted, as is the relationship with his
Mother and Father. Dave goes to court so that he can become a ward of the court,
and be free of his Mother who pursues and threatens him. The third book, “A
Man Named Dave” is Dave’s journey into adulthood. Dave confronts his Father
and then his Mother, and struggles daily to prove himself. He turns his survival
of the abuse into determination to break the cycle of abuse, and gives his son
the kind of relationship he always wanted.
The
three books are honest, lively and well written. Dave has a special way of
telling his story, so that, as a reader, you can feel how he feels, anticipate
the next blow alongside him, and prepare to survive with him. Dave tells his
story, as only a child can, without self-pity or justification.
I
am currently half way through Dave’s fourth book entitled “Help Yourself”.
This book is more of a self-help book, where Dave shares the things that have
helped him to deal with his abuse. His determination to triumph over the
demoralising nightmare that was his abuse is motivating and inspiring. Dave’s
message is that anyone who can survive the actual abuse has the strength to
survive, and make positive, the aftermath.
I
have learnt that I am stronger than most people. I can detect people’s
underlying feelings and motives faster and more accurately than other people
can. I can think of alternatives and escape routes quicker than other people. I
know how to ease people’s pain through empathy and recognising their feelings.
I can look at a child at work, and see almost instantly if that child is
suffering or has suffered at the hands of a parent or close family relative.
These are positive things that have come from being abused. Dave helped me see
these…through a book!!!
I
would like to thank Dave for writing his story, and for sharing his perceptions.
My eyes are now open to the other side of having an abusive childhood, and to
positive, capable, determined feelings about myself.
The
story just is.
…just as all our stories are.
Dave is about strength, resilience, compassion and determination.
…just as we all strive to be.
Julia
S. October 2001.
j.u7ia@virgin.net