Hey, um..... You.... I'm hungry.. could we make dinner now?

Huh?

I wanna eat. Let's make something.

Huh? Uh- what? Ok.

What do you want to eat?

Umm... I don't know.

Ok, hand me the thing...

What thing?

You Know.. the THING. Over there....

Oh.

Well?

Well what?

Hand me the thing.

What thing?

[phone rings] I'll put the phone in the oven.

The what?

The phone.

In the oven?

Yes, what's wrong with that?

You don't put the phone in the oven... they're too tough to eat.

I know that.

Then why did you tell me to put the phone in the oven?

I said no such thing.

Yes you did.

You're making this up....

Huh?

You're making it up.

Making WHAT up?

The oven.

What about the oven?

Aren't we going to eat?

I'm not hungry.

You just said you were hungry.

No I didn't. [ad nauseam] -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

True Hospital Humor: It was becoming time to take a trip to the hospital, so I called the hospital to get my SO precertified:

Me: Hello, I need to call in an admission.

Hosp: Sure, what's the problem?

Me: my girlfriend is hearing voices

Hosp: what are they saying?

Me: I don't know, I can't hear them. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who's Out First (a parody of Who's On First)

Ok, so who's out first?

No Who was out yesterday.

Who?

Yes, Who.

Ok, I'm asking you who was out and you're telling me Who?

Yes, Who.

Well who are you?

I'm not Who, I'm Nobody.

Nobody?

Nobody.

But you can't be nobody - you have to be somebody.

No, Somebody's generally angry.

Who is angry?

No, Who is happy.

Angry is also angry.

Of course angry is angry, but you're definitely somebody.

No, I'm Nobody.

Ok, let me see if I have this.... you're no one..

No, I'm Nobody.... No One was out this morning.

No one was out?

Yeah, No one.

Well if no one was out, who was I talking to?

No One.

Nobody?

No - No One.

Something's wrong here....

No, Something has been sleeping for a while.

Who has been sleeping?

No, Something has been sleeping. Who was out yesterday.

But something has to be someone, doesn't he?

No, Someone is a he, Something is a she.

Huh?

Huh is asexual.

Huh?

Yeah, Huh.

Excuse me, I'm going to commit suicide.

You can't - that's Suicide's job. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thoughts on hearing voices...

May the voices you hear all be pleasant ones.

If the voice tells you to get born again or pay more taxes, seek help.

If the voice tells you to see a doctor, it's mine.

When the voices suggest bizarre sex acts that don't involve blood, they just might be good ideas.

If the voice tells you to get cooking, it is a wise one.

Ignore any seemingly wonderful ideas to stuff a toothbrush down your throat, whistle tv themes, or contribute to Pat Buchanan's campaign.

If they say you don't deserve a bath, tell them to take up residence with a compulsive.

Never listen to advice on killing people in your immediate household.

Did you ever notice that people don't hear voices telling them to clean the house and vacuum the rugs?

If they start to pick on you and call you names, remind them that they're just fragments, while you have a real job and a dog. HA!

Q) How many dissociatives does it take to change a light bulb?

A1) What?

A2) None. Something horrible will happen if I try.

A3) None - I can hallucinate just fine without light.

A4) We need to buy more plants. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was thinking of selling T-shirts. Remember the "I'm with Stupid" T-shirts? How about "I'm with Them" T-shirts ?????

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SINGLETON WHEN.....

1. You start using the pronoun `I'.
2. You get a party line because you miss the voices.
3. One first name is suddenly enough.
4. Switching now refers only to long distance phone service.
5. If you hear voices now, you're schizophrenic.
6. `I forgot' is no longer an excuse.
7. It suddenly occurs to you that you had a childhood.
8. To keep your SO on his/her toes, you imitate an alter every now and then.
9. When you mess up, you can no longer blame it on somebody else.
10. DID becomes just a past-tense verb.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

How many times have you heard this phrase from a `professional'?

"There is no such thing as d.i.d."

Ok, fine, now you tell *them* that. --------------------------------------------------------------------

Systems come in incredibly different varieties, with all sorts of interesting quirks. We discovered that this one alter took diet pills. We were just wondering if that alter could become co-conscious with the alter who was crazy about chocolate and cut a deal.... -------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it ok for me to refer to my SO as my `other halves'? -------------------------------------------------------------------

Why oh Why Can't I Win?

For whatever reason, whenever I walk into the bedroom, I get my SO's protector alt, who tries to engage me in a fight to get rid of me. We have a dog. He was also abused (my therapist would have a field day with this information). When I come into the room, he growls at me. Lovely.... no matter when I go in, someone growls at me.

And some nights, both of them start..... Hmmm.... maybe he's multiple too. Yes folks, it's Dissociative Dog! I can just see it now..... when I come into the room, his protector alt comes out and growls at me. I think it's a Pit Bull, but I can't find his helpful alt to ask him. Lately, his puppy alt has also been active.

Of course we're now faced with a really difficult problem, in reference to therapy. My SO's therp lets the dog come along, but he doesn't seem to be getting any benefit from it. Might be the language barrier. His diagnosis list must be longer than hers by now; neurosis, halitosis, MPD, and hallucinations. I know he can hear the refrigerator talking to him, because he sits near it and watches. And how in the world are we going to pay for *another* family member in therapy? Blue Cross refuses to cover him as my child, even though the therp accepts it.

Don't even get me started on his breath..... ================================================================== There's also; I'm not multiple, they are

Voices, what voices? Shut up in there

I keep telling the others inside they don't exist, but they just laugh at me :)

Q: How many multiples does it take to change a light bulb?

A.: mak dat tinajer do it, me scar lectrissy!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We saw this on a bulletin board at the office we've been working at, and thought it was funny. :) It said: --------

HELLO, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

• * If you are obsessive-compulsive, Please press 1 REPEATEDLY.
• * If you are co-dependent, Please ask someone if it's OK to press 2.
• * If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• * If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
• * If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
• * If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.