Will I ever be normal?
This is one I hear a lot, but it has also been the most difficult
to answer to everyone's satisfaction. First you have to define
what "normal" is. It's like we see ourselves in a race
and at the end is the finish line. If we reach it and get to the
other side, then we will be "normal". I see, instead, a
path, and that path is our life. This path is filled with curves,
hills, plateaus, stretches of grassy, level ground, others rocky
and difficult. The question isn't when do I get to the end, but am
I going to keep moving ahead in spite of what lies there.
I am confronted with choices along
the way. Some choices have to be made over and over again as I
confront different issues that arise.
- Will I stop and stay
where I am and rest for awhile? There are times when
a break is needed. You may have been through an onslaught of
returning memories, or an occasion is coming that demands
your full attention. Whatever the reason, breaks are okay
for a short times and can be helpful. I've read about one
person who devoted one or two days a week to therapy issues
and the rest of the week she focused on the kids, work, and
other important tings in her life. I think personally this
is a good idea. We can easily become consumed with abuse
issues, and at times, that may be unavoidable. But for the
long term, I think it is healthy to plan for times of fun
and relaxation alone and with your loved ones. You don't
have to live, eat, sleep abuse in order to heal. In my case,
I think the first year of being in therapy was devoted to
just that. I was isolated and severely depressed before I
entered therapy, and the first steps I had to take took all
the energy I had. But after a time, things settled a bit and
I could begin having a life alongside of recovery.
- Will I stay forever and
become stagnant? I have seen those who took a break
and didn't come back. Hopefully someday they will come back,
but it's sad that they couldn't see the light at the end of
the tunnel, or see that by continuing to walk through the
pain, would also bring them on the other side of it. To make
sure you stay on course, one idea is to have someone you can
trust and be accountable to that will encourage you to hang
in there. Once when I wanted to quit, my husband asked me if
I really thought I was ready or if I was running from
something. That made me stop and think about my reasons, and
I decided I needed to continue for awhile longer just to be
sure. You might make a contract with yourself to not miss
counseling appointments, or support group times. Once you
miss, it makes missing the next time even easier. Forcing
yourself to go each week will ensure that you are getting
support and the encouragement you need to continue moving
forward. Along with that, make a pact with your counselor or
group facilitator that you will not simply quit coming, but
will discuss it with him/her first in person to look at your
reasons, assess where you are in your recovery, and set some
goals for yourself so that you don't simply stop growing and
healing.
- Will I go back to what
was because at least that was familiar or the pressure is
too great? Unfortunately, I've seen some go back. It
just seemed to difficult to continue on and have to fight
the family, or the spouse that was abusive. This, to me, is
the saddest choice someone can make because going back means
losing all the ground gained. It means turning your back on
yourself and truth. It often means going back under the
control of those who abused you.
I understand the pressure to do so
from family and friends. I've been there. I understand how awful
it is to lose family members because you choose to get help and
overcome the effects of abuse in your life. I understand the need
for family in your life, even if they are very unhealthy and
abusive. I know what it is like to weigh the cost and wonder if it
is worth it. But we also have to look at the other side of it.
What is the cost of going back. The cost may be the continuation
of the cycle of abuse in your family. If your family was/is
incestuous, there are probably other children still being abused.
If you have children, going back may mean risking them to abuse.
It is too easy in our present pain
to forget the pain we suffered beforehand that brought us to this
place to begin with. This is where our supporters come in. We
really need to surround ourselves with safe, trustworthy friends
and family who can help us think things through honestly and
clearly. Those times of longing for family we've lost will lessen,
we'll get our second wind and be able to handle life again if we
can just hang in there another day. My counselor told me one day
that things are never permanent in relationships. I could get my
family back. But I didn't believe him. Yet, here I am, years
later, and my family is back, at least most of them. Some
relationships are better, some strained, but we're working on it.
The important thing is that I didn't have to go back to the way I
was in order to get them back. They slowly came back into my life
and I don't have to pretend. I can be me. I can be true to myself.
Going back is not necessarily going
back into a family system that is unhealthy and abusive, it may
simply be slipping back into the "bliss" of denial and
deciding to not think about or look at the issues any longer.
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