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This is something I struggled with, too. I've always had a lot of big gaps in my memories, and what memories I had were partial. I've had family members talk about things that happened to me and I've even accused them of lying at times because the memory is simply not there for me. I really thought that in order to heal, I'd have to remember at least more than what I did. But what I saw and learned through my own experience is that I didn't have to remember in order to heal. I know some survivors who only have a 'feeling' they were abused with maybe some flashbacks. Some just have the symptoms but no memory of abuse, and maybe some gaps in their childhood. Others remember everything and always have. Others began having memories return, usually precipitated by some major event like the death of their abuser or being raped, having a baby, or their own child reaching the age at which their own abuse began. Some knew on an unconscious level, but it didn't reach their consciousness until their own child was abused. Some continued having memories return for a year or more, the worst being the last memory to return. Our stories and experiences are many, but we shared one thing in common. We all had many of the same symptoms or problems in our life, and we could all face those problems and begin the work of changing and healing. What seems to me now to be most important is being aware of those areas we are not functioning in a healthy way and to making every effort to change those areas so that we become all we can be and were meant to be. The symptoms and after-effects of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse can paralyze us emotionally. We may be plagued with phobias, addictions, inability to trust, or we may be promiscuous and/or fear and run from an ongoing sexual intimacy with our partner. Our spiritual lives may feel empty and dry no matter what we do to change it. We may seem angry at the whole world, or never able to feel or express anger. There are many ways abuse affects our lives, and becoming aware of the way it affected mine was the first step toward recovery. Once we are aware, then we can get help to gain the tools or skills we need to change and become healthy individuals, free of all those symptoms and after-effects. If you aren't aware of how abuse has affected your life, you can look at the Symptoms and After-Effects page on this site. I would suggest you rate each symptom as it apples to you. Decide which ones are most important to begin working on. After working on these areas for awhile, rate yourself again and see how much you have improved. |
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