HAVOCA Newsletter 4th Quarter
Survivor Sexuality	Oct 03

 

Contents A Common Problem Survivor's Sexuality Confusion Forever Changing Healing Saying 'No' to sex For partners For Survivors A Common Problem 'I've been married 10 years. Most of the time he's a great guy. However for the last two years its been pretty rough. It is extremely difficult to tell him. We've had problems off and on. I give him so much credit for trying. But there's so much that triggers, so much that I don't know how to handle. Yeah I know, my plate is all ready pretty full, I've tried to love him as best as I could. I guess what I'm saying is...being a survivor really can confuse you as far as sexuality goes. I want the same passion and love and understanding that you see others have. I want some kind of sense of normality. I guess that's it. What's a risk for me, is being in the moment with what I'm feeling, when someone touches me. That's a risk for me. That's what takes a lot of trust.' Just as the backfire of a car can mentally transport a combat veteran from the relative safety of a shopping centre to perils of a battlefield in the blink of an eye, a certain way of moving, a smell, a lover unbuckling his belt, etc. can mentally transport a survivor from the bed of a lover to the horrors of past abuse. The survivor experiencing a flashback may re-experience the abuse in her mind and feel she is as helpless now as she as then. She may suddenly believe that her lover is the abuser and react with rage or terror. She could fly into a frenzy of attempts to protect herself from a perceived attack, freeze, simply cry silently, or take flight physically or emotionally. What can make flashbacks even more puzzling for survivors and their partners is their sudden appearance in a relationship that has existed without flashbacks for years. This sudden appearance of flashbacks is confusing and can have a profound impact on the relationship. Educate Yourselves. It is important to for both survivors and their partners to understand what is known about abuse and its impact upon the survivor, relationships with the survivor and sexuality. Reading this newsletter and any of the resources quoted throughout is a great step forward in this process. The HAVOCA has been updated for Oct, please clink on the link below to visit the site. Visit the site........

Greetings, Welcome to the last edition of the HAVOCA Newsletter for 2003. This quarter's newsletter is all about sexuality. Whether you are a survivor, a victim or a partner we hope you find this email useful. For survivors of all types of abuse, sexuality can be a very difficult issue. All survivors of abuse need to understand the experience and its impact on their adult sexuality. Survivors also face a range of feelings about sexuality long after the childhood abuse takes place. These feelings can cause the survivor a variety of unusual or extreme responses to sex, including physical numbing, self-injury to the body, sexual "dysfunctions," avoiding sex, yearning for sexual contact, seeking bizarre or violent sexual contact, seeking sex with unavailable partners, paying or getting paid for sex, arousal to pain or humiliation, and dangerous sex. Survivors are not doomed to these forms of sexuality. There is great hope for recovery from sexual problems such as those described above. Survivors can be helped to reclaim their sexuality, create new and positive associations to sex, and choose loving and positive sexual contacts with lovers and spouses.       Survivor's Sexuality Confusion    Many survivors use sex to meet non-sexual needs and this can lead them into situations where they tolerate unacceptable behavior from a partner or endure unwanted sexual activity to meet these needs. When you want closeness, intimacy, or communication, when you want to feel you are loved and worthwhile and cared for, when you're unhappy, disappointed, or angry, you ask for sex instead. It makes sense that survivors who received all their attention and affection sexually as children now sexualize even non sexual needs. 'To be touched lovingly, even by their lover, may be too frightening for the survivor and cause them to pull violently away and dissolve into tears.'   Forever Changing    Some of these changes can present seeming contradictions. For example, it is not uncommon for a survivor to shift from promiscuity to avoidant behavior. However, placed in the context of a survivor who is healing and reached a stage where he or she felt able to be more selective about partners it is not paradoxical at all. As one teen survivor put it I have done just about anything that you can do sexually - I have been with more people than I would like to say - but now - when I finally have someone that I truly care about, and who I think really cared about me - I can't have sex with him. It is important to remember that, while survivors may experience sexuality in an unusual way, their responses are appropriate to the events encountered in their childhood.     Healing    Survivors often have very good instincts about what they need to do to heal. What seems like a dysfunction can actually be a very sound healing strategy whether chosen consciously or unconsciously. Instead of functioning, the goal of treatment shifted to self-awareness, self- care, trust, and intimacy-building. Insight and authenticity becomes more important than behavioral functioning. For many survivors, avoiding sex may be a very important, choice- affirming, decision. To heal sexually you must learn to say no to unwanted sex. It is important to make a commitment to yourself that you will never again grit your teeth and endure it when you really don't want sex. Every time you have sex when you genuinely don't want to, you add another layer of abuse, repeat the pattern of victimization, and thus delay your healing.   Saying 'No' to sex    The ability to say "no" to sex and have those wishes honoured is critical to healing. The survivor was not given a choice about the abuse and may instinctively react as if there is no choice today if the issue is not made perfectly clear. It may be wise to let the survivor take the lead on whether to initiate sex for a while. If the partner does initiate sex, however, the partner needs to clearly communicate the survivor's freedom to decline. To heal from an abusive past you don't have to be sexual active.     For partners    Beyond avoiding blatantly abusive behaviour such as forcing a survivor, a partner must take care to avoid pressuring a survivor or causing the survivor to feel guilty about exercising his or her right to decline sexuality. A survivor who engages in sexual activity where he or she does not actively wish to do so can be retraumatised and the healing process seriously delayed. It would be nearly impossible to place too great an emphasis on the importance of choice. Not only is it important for the survivor to know he or she is free to say "no" to sexuality, he or she needs to feel free to stop sexual activity at any time after it has been initiated. It is important to avoid punishing the survivor for exercising the right to say "no" at any point in the process of sexual activity. If the survivor will permit it, cuddling one another and talking about your feelings can be very comforting for both of you. Often, once the survivor is thus reassured that sexual activity is a choice or reorients herself or himself back to the present if there was a flashback, love making can continue after only a brief interruption. Partners also need to sensitive to cues from the survivor that something is wrong. Many survivors and their partners have reported to a very sensitive partner can sense the survivor drifting away or entering into a flashback before the survivor is aware what is happening. The partner should trust his or her instincts. If the survivor seems to be drifting away, slow down, look at the survivor in the eyes and call his or her name. If the survivor freezes up, confuses you with the abuser or regresses into a child-like stage, stop and offer to cuddle the survivor in a non-sexual manner. If the survivor is non-responsive or appears to be in a state of rage or panic, talk soothingly. Try to help orient the survivor back to the present. Remind the survivor to breathe deeply. Avoid making sudden movements that could be misinterpreted as a threat or standing over or laying over the survivor in a way that may be frightening to the survivor. As frustrating as it can be for the partner when the survivor says "no" or sexual activity is interrupted, most couples report that it is worth it. As the survivor's ability to trust that sex is, in fact, a present-day choice rather than something being forced upon him or her, great strides in healing in both sexual and non-sexual areas of the survivor's life may be experienced. Beyond learning how to say "no" and honouring the survivor's choice to refrain from sexual contact at times, there are many ways that a survivor and his or her partner can join together to overcome the damage the abuse has done to their relationship and the survivor's sexuality More for partners...   For Survivors    If you find yourself spacing out or splitting while you're making love, stop or slow down. Talk to your lover. Look your lover in the eyes. Say your lover's name. One woman kept a jar of potpourri on her night table and stopped to smell it when she felt herself drifting. That strong sensory jolt helped her stay present. While slowing down or stopping can be frustrating for the partner, the long-term benefits to the relationship are worth it. As the survivor's ability to trust that sex is, in fact, a present-day choice rather than something being forced upon him or her, great strides in healing in both sexual and non-sexual areas of the survivor's life may be experienced. Open Communication - Sexual abuse thrives in an environment of secrecy and shame. Many survivors carry that experience over to their adult relationships by being overly shy or reticent to discuss sexual issues even with their partner. Open communication about sexuality is important. Survivors and partners need to know about the survivor's triggers so they may be avoided. They need to talk about the partner's feelings about the impact of the abuse on their relationship as well as the survivor's feelings. They need to talk about how to signal to one another their desire to initiate sex to avoid inadvertently triggering unpleasant memories. Visit the site for more useful info....