LIAM’S STORY

Forward by Cheryl:

This is a true sharing and I thank John for trusting me enough to tell his story. In turn, with his permission, I am sharing it with you, our fellow survivors. Below, you will find Liam’s story as well as my own heart-felt response afterwards. Please, do take the time to read both. Sharing is always a learning experience.

Dear Cheryl,       

When I first learned of his existence I knew that he was part of me. So I decided to share my name with him and called him Liam. This child within me always comes alive in the presence of children. They seem to be aware of Liam and invite him to come out and play. This often happens and the children have a great time. I always find this refreshing and I feel good about myself and about life. 

What is really going on during these occasions? As a child I was severely damaged by a male adult. I always treat children with respect and affection and encourage them to enjoy their young lives through play. I want them to inherit memories of an adult who was good fun and brought them happiness. 

Liam at a tender age learned to be afraid of adults, especially males. There were many years when he was afraid to be alone with men; even his own father and uncles. He was not afraid of what they might do to him. He was afraid of being reminded of what another man had done to him. 

Of course as a boy, I met many good adults who treated me well. I remember some of their caring remarks. “You are far too young to be so worried. Don't be afraid it might never happen." Little did they know that it had already happened! When adults tried to show me affection I couldn't cope. I would get away as soon as possible. I wanted to cry but couldn't.

It only happened once, but once was enough! I was stalked for about ten years after. When I left our home, often he was there. He waited, walking closely behind me wherever I went. He laughed and mocked me all of the way. He wasn't going to let me forget. Forget the threats he had bestowed on me. What a heavy load of guilt to place on the shoulders of a child. 

I walked briskly trying to ignore him. Within myself I was running. I was labeled as a hyperactive child. I was always on the move - never able to sit still. Only total exhaustion enabled me to sleep at night. I’ve always had problems with nightmares and shouting out in my sleep. Never was I completely at rest.

Only recently I realized that hyperactivity had traveled with me into adulthood. Three months ago I crashed, hit rock bottom - the worst ever! I had been stopped in my tracks. I knew I had to look for help. Yes, that is when I really stopped.

I stopped running from my abuser, from painful memories and emotions. Learning not to be driven, I am learning how to walk. I am learning to appreciate the gift of life which has been given to me. Life is a precious gift. Gifts are meant to be enjoyed. I have had this gift for 64 years; it is a long time to wait before un-wrapping this gift. I am being introduced to my unique gift, the gift of my life. 

I have two younger brothers. When he came around us - we would stop playing and go into the safety of our home. I felt responsible for my wee brothers. What happened to me mustn't happen to them. Therefore I always had to be vigilant.

The boys never spoke about him. It was an unspoken - unwritten rule. If he showed up then we packed up and went home.  

I have a history of frequent burn-outs. No right thinking driver would consider driving their car on the fast lane of the motorway without ever stopping for petrol, water, air and servicing. The car would eventually burn-out as I have done far too often. 

I have never been angry with Liam; have always known him to be a brave child. I have a clear picture of him when it happened; petrified when his trousers were being taken off - his mouth open - wanting to scream - but unable to do so. Cold - shivering and trapped between the wall and the big high bed, he was being faced by a Big Brute Beast! There was no way of escaping; there was no one to help him. 

His small body was rigid as it was lifted and thrown onto the bed. Then his rib cage was being crushed by the weight of the man. The unpleasant smell of the man's breathe, the movements and noises coming from his abuser. Then Liam saw the man's penis and was terrified! Liam was made to turn over and lie face down. Then there was the sense of being crushed and again the horrible noises. Then, there was another voice…

Someone had come into the house and called the abuser by name! Liam was flung onto the floor. The abuser was in a state of panic and he put Liam's trousers back on. At the same time he breathed all sorts of threats into Liam's face; not only into his face but also into his mind, heart and spirit. 

Liam was rushed downstairs and dumped in his own back garden; the place where he had been taken from. He had been deceived, humiliated, terrified, abused and then rejected. It was autumn - the weather and the gardens were bleak - they mirrored the mind, heart, and spirit of Liam.

Liam had smelt death and he felt dirty. 

Cheryl thanks for listening. Thanks for triggering my healing. I must be on the first step of the flight deck by now. Not much further to go before I stretch my wings and fly to freedom.

Cheryl I must stop now. 

Yours sincerely, John

MY REFLECTION ON

LIAM’S STORY

The young innocent child who knows nothing of pain is who we always wanted to be. We love to be with children, we love to remember that innocence that was taken from us far too young. To be with young children, watching the simple pleasures they enjoy in their lives is so refreshing. Like you, I thrive on being with young ones. I feel good about who I am in their presence. They bring out the best in me.

I’m not positive how old I was when my innocence was taken. If I remember correctly, I would have been around eight years and up. I could have been younger, I’m just not sure. But, being molested by my grandpa was not a one time thing. It happened many times over the duration of years. I think it stopped when I was going through my adolescent changes.

Often, I watch children the same age and I’m saddened by what my child went through. I can understand now, why I couldn’t protect myself. Seeing these young vulnerable children makes it all so clear. I was truly a child; there was no way I could change what was happening. Anymore then Liam could.

Liam learned to be afraid of adults just like I did; especially male figures. Unfortunately, my step-father was one of them. He was strict and I was always uneasy around him. Although he never hurt me, I was still afraid. I was especially afraid of my step-grandpa. God, I hated being left alone with him, time after time. The fear was so real, so intense. I could feel it through to my inner core. How I wished I had the freedom to fly then, the freedom to escape from the torment he was putting me through.

Your child was one with mine. We were the same, fearing a gender that in all possible ways controlled us. Whenever alone, we would be reminded of our moments with them. You were stalked, forced to stay vigilant over your brothers. I was molested over and over again. The saddest part is we lose trust in men who care about us. Men such as my step-father, your father, your uncles; they too, pay the price for our hurts.

It’s sad that your Liam had to be afraid of his family as well. His dad, someone he loved, adored with all his heart, had to also pay the price. Life’s so unfair. Abusers put their needs before the needs of children and we are the ones that have to pay with our very soul. It’s shattered, never to be the same. Our child’s innocence is forever gone, taken in a heartbeat, robbed from our very being. What was taken from us was precious, irreplaceable. It was ours and ours alone.

Our pasts affect a large circle of family as we grow and develop into struggling adults. Our pasts will always be remembered, forever being a part of us. Through healing, life does become easier, but there will always be moments of weakness, there will always be moments for tears. But tears are healthy. Tears heal; they cleanse our souls, leaving us with a sense of inner-peace.

As children however, no amount of tears heal us. We are lost in our own secret world, enduring endless emotional/physical pain no child should have to bare. There are many adults who love us, who show their love and we still stay silent. We are too ashamed, too afraid of speaking out. To stay silent takes a tremendous amount of courage, we were truly survivors. We always will be.

It’s unfortunate the adults in our lives didn’t see obvious signs. You couldn’t cope with affection, you wanted to get away. You wanted to cry. How could others not see your child’s anxiety? I was always misbehaved, forever in trouble. Through the years, I recall family functions with Grandpa. He would always want a hug when he seen me. I would automatically cross my arms over my chest, so I wouldn’t have to touch him. No one noticed.

Abusers never leave our lives, even in their passing. I will always have memories during this part of my child’s life. You too, will remember your abuser, the one that tormented and threatened your child. Not only were you abused, but you were put through hell for years by this man stalking you. He mentally abused you time and time again, adding to the initial dramatic abuse he enforced upon you.

Memories are hard to forget, they will always be a part of us; especially the painful ones. We have the ability to get past our memories and move on. It’s important to make new memories of loved ones, family and friends; memories that will soar far above the ones that hurt us.

Love from family and friends help us heal. I truly believe that. I also think having someone to talk too, like you and I do, help us heal as well. We will always have our weak moments, but as long as we’re there for each other, we can be strong. We are strong John. You and I, the little boy and girl who would have loved each other as children;  the two of us beneath a tree, smelling a beautiful flower, feeling a gentle breeze caress our delicate skin as we play. The innocence of a child is always remembered, never to be forgotten.

Dreaming such dreams can be comforting, but reality always surfaces. Nightmares such as you’ve had - crying in your sleep, being hyper, always wanting to run, never being able to sit still; all have been a part of your life. Abuse causes life changes, traveling though adult-hood. How unfair our lives change such as this, but how can we possibly go through such trauma with out being changed. It’s just not possible.

I’m glad you’re finally relaxing, not burning yourself out anymore. Like the car you described, we really should give our bodies the same kind of care. For far to long, we abuse ourselves, drowning in the pain we carry. We let it consume us, and in doing so we forget to take care of ourselves. Each one of us deals with pain in our own way, and most times it’s destructive. Most times we don’t love ourselves enough to care. We don’t like who we are, we can’t look upon our own reflections and like what we see. It’s time to really look at ourselves. We should be proud of who we are and who we’ve become.

It’s unfortunate we hit ultimate lows during our adult lives. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can truly find our way. We become lost, losing our direction in the path of darkness. With loss of direction, we lose our sense of self-worth, no longer valuing who we are. There’s no longer light to show us our true value. There are many paths in which we can take to find our self-worth. We must follow a path no longer encumbered by darkness; let the light guide us and show us the way. Twists and turns may mislead us, but if we stay on course, past the point we would normally have given up, we will succeed in finding our way.

In finding your way, you’ve learned the true value of self-worth. You’ve learned how important and truly unique you are. You cannot be replaced. Your life is a gift. Cherish wondrous gifts forever yours once opened; gifts such as self-love, self-worth, inner-strength, forgiveness, courage, hope, happiness and well-being.

Your gift of life

John, your writing of Liam’s experience was truly a sharing and affected me deeply. I felt the pain in your world. I wanted to protect that little boy who couldn’t protect himself. The mother in me wanted to hold him close to my heart and comfort him in his pain. I wanted to wash away all his fears, his anxieties. Let him know he was loved.

You are loved by family and friends. You are respected; you’re an amazing man and should be proud of your accomplishments. You’ve come a long way and being who you are, you still want to better yourself. You are still willing to seek counseling and learn along the way. I admire you more than you can imagine. I’m so glad I’ve found a friend in you. You mean the world to me already. I’ll always be here for you John, for you and for Liam. I promise you that.

Enjoy those around you. Enjoy the people who touch your life, each in their own way. We all touch each others lives for a reason, whether it’s God’s choice or fate. We have the chance to enrich the lives of those we meet, a true gift; a life giving gift that is truly priceless.

Now the weather and gardens are brightened, no longer are they bleak. The endless sky is a beautiful blue; the sun is shining, casting a warm glow over mother’s earth. Flowers are blooming, a colorful array of petals with their heavenly scent. Your world is no longer bleak like it was that day. Let these wonderful images mirror what’s in your heart, mind and spirit today.

Your gift of life. 

Yesterday is already a dream, tomorrow is only a vision, but today well lived, makes every yesterday, a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow, a vision of hope~

Always your friend in heart,

Cheryl