VISION
OF HOPE
Forward by Cheryl:
This letter was sent to me by Jen, regarding her sister. I thank her for coming forward and sharing her story with me. Again, I appreciate her allowing me to submit her letter and my response to Havoca. Hopefully, through our sharing, we can touch others and help them in their time of need.
Dear Cheryl,
I have shared our letters, “A Sharing” at
Havoca with my sister. I don't remember if I told you that we share the same
experiences. She was very delighted and comforted by them. Knowing that
you are there, sharing our thoughts, feelings, and roller coaster emotions is
a huge comfort beyond words.
I have been very busy with my sister. She has
gone into another depression and I have set aside my needs to help her through
this time. She tried to commit suicide -- again, but thank god she didn't
succeed. She has always had a much harder time coming up from her downs
than I ever did. She is also an alcoholic, but not an admitted one, and
not one ready to quit. I hope to find answers; maybe the answers on the
web sites and from people I meet, will give her the light she needs to find
her way. I know that I can't do it all, but I am the only person she will
turn too, and the only person she will let help her.
If you have any advice for me, other than
trying to find her a psychiatrist or having her put on anti-depressants, that
she is already on, I am open to anything. She is very moved by words,
songs, and by children. I thought maybe if she became a Big Sister for an
organization, she could help another child and ultimately help herself,
but unfortunately she never tried it. She was too afraid and it was
around the time she became depressed. She has been diagnosed as
Manic Depressive. The only good thing about that is I know her so well, I
know what signs to look for. She can be very extreme to being very
sheepish. I could go on and on, but I won’t.
Thank you for your time.
Jen
My Response Letter
Dearest Jen,
You never told me about your sister. I am
very sorry you are going through such sad times with her. It must be
difficult. She is very lucky to have you in her life. I hope with your
strength and courage, she will learn from it, and see that she too, carries
the same inner-strengths. She only has to look inside herself to find it.
I
don’t know what kind of advice I can offer you, given your sister’s
circumstances. I am not experienced with the manic depressive state. That is
for the professionals. I only know; you can’t give up on her, ever. Stay
with her for the duration. Keep her close, she needs you. She needs your
strength and courage, at least, until she finds her own.
I
think therapy is a good thing. Talking to someone professional never hurts.
Having someone from the outside, looking in, is sometimes better. They are not
judgmental; they see things in a different light. They are there when you need
them; they are compassionate, caring people.
Years
ago, I had a few therapy sessions as well, and I truly think they can help you
if you let them. You have to have an open mind, and be willing to make changes
as you learn along the way. Therapy can also be upsetting. It brings out your
fears and forces you to face them. However, I think in facing them, and
dealing with them, only then can we begin to heal.
I
think it’s important for your sister to have someone to talk too, other than
you. Even you, as compassionate as you are, can only do so much. Your sister
has to make the ultimate choices. Only she can change her life. Only she has
the power to do that. She has to feel worthy again, and know she makes a
difference. The only way she can do that is to make changes.
Volunteering
is a wonderful idea. It makes you feel so good when you give others a part of
yourself. A simple smile, a warm hug, a twinkle of your eye could make all the
difference. A person remembers that smile; they remember your warmth, your
compassionate side. It’s never forgotten. We all have something to give,
each and everyone of us. We just have to search inside ourselves and find that
something. When we do, we should share it unselfishly.
I
accomplished something new this past year. I went to our local public school
and became a lunch room monitor. Although it doesn’t sound impressive, it
is. I work with four and five year olds and I have to say, it’s a blast. I
have one hour while the teacher is at lunch and I get to be in charge. The
kids like me a lot, and in turn, I like them.
When
I was first asked, I was skeptical. Changes are hard for me. Why
would I suddenly want to go to school and work with kids? Don’t get me
wrong, I love kids. It was just the change that scared me. Having to get ready
every day, be organized; having a routine was scary. Now, I love it. I plan on
going back in September, and this time, I’ll have a brand new JK class to
contend with.
Add
to that, babysitting every other week as well. Plus, just this past May,
shortly after my child-care started, I began a waitressing job. All three
jobs, plus being an at home mom keep me more than busy. They keep me focusing
on others, instead of just myself.
It’s
truly amazing how good one can feel when reaching out to others; giving a part
of yourself in the simplest way. A smile can go such a long way. The twinkle
of your eyes, the windows to your soul, shine through for everyone to see. You
only have to be willing to open up your heart and share the true beauty of
what’s inside. It’s there; it’s in all of us.
Your
sister needs to focus on the good things in life. The positive out weighs the
negative by far. She must see beyond her emotional pain, and realize what
it’s doing to her physically. Her suicide attempts, her substance abuse, are
her way of showing her pain; her way of crying out for help. She must see the
good in herself, learn to love herself, and most importantly, forgive. Only
then can she stop this cycle of self-abuse.
Abuse
is always apart of us, it never goes away. It’s always with us. We become
who we are, because of it. But, if we let our abuse overcome us, let it
control our lives; then our perpetrators have won. They have gotten the better
of us. Why would we want to give them this power? We had no power when we were
young and innocent, we had no choice. Now we do. We are stronger; we have the
power to change.
Why
not take something negative and try turning it into something positive? Let
something good come from our experiences. Do something that makes you feel
worthy and proud. One way of doing this for me, is writing to other survivors
such as you. I try to unselfishly give to others, hoping my words will give
them some kind of comfort, solace. I write. I love to write, so why not use
this natural gift and make a difference if I can. I have spent hours writing
responses to survivors that have written me. I find myself in a zone; the
words just come from deep inside me. After I have written, I feel a sense of
contentment, satisfaction. Each time I share what’s inside me, I think I
heal a little more. It feels wonderful to put my thoughts into words and help
someone.
Journaling
is very important. If your sister can, have her journal all her thoughts and
feelings. I did faithfully in the beginning of my therapy and it helped
immensely. I don’t journal as much anymore, other than in my weight watchers
book, *Smiles* but, I always write. I found out I can write poetry and even
romance stories. I’ve learned to express myself in erotic prose even with my
history. Plus, I write to survivors, which I find very satisfying. Regardless
of what I’m writing; it just feels good to simply write. It’s truly
amazing what is inside of us. What we can share with the world.
If
your sister would journal, simply for her own benefit, it could be very
healing. All those feelings put to paper, lightening her heart with each and
every word. A cleansing of the soul, so to speak. It feels good. Writing about
your inner child, or to your inner child, such as I did in a Little Girl, or
Close To My Heart, is also therapeutic.
Writing
to your perpetrator is another way of dealing with all the angry feelings you
have inside. Say everything in your heart, let your anger come forth. Let your
tears flow, empty your soul of all the unwanted demons residing there. We
don’t need them anymore. We don’t need them to exist.
We
have our inner-strength, the essence of who we are. We are truly unique and
God has made us who we are for a reason. We should try to be the best we can
be, and only then can we find the inner-peace we so desperately need. We can
truly feel good about ourselves and know we’ve done the best we can in our
circumstances. The trials and tribulations of life will always be there. The
rollercoaster rides will never cease. We just have to learn to deal with them
the best way we know how. We have to stay strong, stay positive, and try to be
the best we can be.
We
only live once. We need to cherish the life, God has given us. We need to
nurture ourselves, love ourselves unconditionally. We need to pamper ourselves
and expend our energies in a way that is healthy. We matter. We are here for a
reason. Even though our lives were touched with such horrific events, I think
we all have the power to overcome them. We have the power to make choices. It
is our choice if we want to let our experiences effect us in a negative way.
Or, we can take our negative experiences and turn them into something good;
something worthy, something to be proud of.
I’ve
come far this past year. I’m not saying I’ve overcome everything, or
that’d be lying. But, my grandpa, now one-hundred and one years, is no
longer going to have power over me. I, now have the power. I’ve let myself
see my inner child. I’ve accepted her, and most importantly, forgiven her. I
love me, I love who I am, regardless of all I’ve done in my life. I am a
lovable person, and worthy of being loved. I needed to learn to like myself
first, before I could learn to love.
Life
can be hard. I still have my quirks; I’m still the controlling
perfectionist. I still have anger control issues. Those qualities are a part
of me. I’ve accepted that. I just have to try dealing with them better. But
with teens, it can be hard. They test me daily and put me through the most
trying times. I have a husband of twenty-two years that I love dearly, even
though there are still roller-coaster rides. It’s has not always been easy.
My mother-in-law passed away in June, my mom’s sick, and I’ve lost two
beloved pets within a few months. I have to stay focused on the positive
aspects of my life as well.
I
now work, I’ve lost thirty-five lbs; I feel better about me. I have more
confidence and it shows. I hold my head high and feel proud of who I am and
what I’ve accomplished.
Remember,
only we can make the choices in our lives. Whether we choose to enrich our
lives with those choices is ultimately our decision. Make each day count, live
each day to the fullest and cherish your memories.
Hugs Cheryl