Dear Survivor Brother,

Though we aren't related by blood I feel a kinship toward you, as we are

bonded by a common experience. You ARE my brother. I hope someday you will

accept me as your sister.

What happened to us was just plain wrong. We didn't deserve it, no matter

how naughty we were, no matter what lofty (and not-so-lofty) goals we didn't

reach. We had no control over our abusers; they controlled us. They would

have taken their anger/frustration/pain/feelings of worthlessness out on us

even if we had been perfect.

If you're like me, you've read accounts of unspeakable acts done against

children and tried to rationalize that what happened to you wasn't as bad as

that, so it's not really abuse. You've probably even told yourself that you

deserved it for being naughty/stupid/careless/ugly/fat/thin/freckled. It's

very scary to have no control over a dangerous situation, so we try to fool

ourselves into thinking we brought the abuse on ourselves and therefore had

some control over what happened.

Dealing with abuse is like dealing with a death. You go through all the

stages: Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Too many people

get stuck in the denial & anger phases. Those are the ones who continue the

cycle and become abusers themselves.

We fool ourselves into thinking we are strong because we can keep all our

feelings inside. Some of us even learned to "blank out" while the abuse was

happening so we didn't have to experience it. We tell ourselves that

managing on our own is strength, asking for help is weakness. It's all a

lie. Admitting that what happened was beyond our control, admitting that we

did nothing to deserve it, takes a great deal of strength. Most of us take

years to get to the point where we are strong enough to acknowledge to

ourselves that what happened was abuse, beyond our control, and completely

undeserved.

Men are told not to cry. "Crying is for sissies." This is an antiquated

societal lie that needs to be exposed and destroyed. It takes great strength

to cry. It takes incredible strength to trust someone enough to let them see

your tears. Any man can act tough. It really doesn't take much. How many men

do you know who would dare admit they were hurt repeatedly & were powerless

to stop it? Your peers might ridicule you to try to shut you up. The truth

is, many of those who would try to silence you are victims themselves. Your

speaking out might just hit a little too close to home for their comfort.

Some of them may have dealt with their dark pasts by becoming abusers

themselves.

Forgiveness is another tricky issue. It's currently fashionable for

well-meaning (usually clueless) people to tell you to forgive and move on.

Too often they really mean, "Shut up and let's pretend this never happened

so I can go on with my comfortable little life of ignorance." Some of this

stuff is just plain not forgivable. How do you forgive someone who isn't

repentant? Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is not excusing someone's

evil behaviour. As for moving on, that's like telling someone who was hit by

a train to peel themselves off the track & get back on their way to wherever

they were going & quit whining about the pain. To put it politely....

Bullshit. You need to heal before you can move on.

A little secret: When a demon is exposed to light, it has a tendency to

shrink & shrivel & eventually die. Exposing the demons of your past will

cause them to weaken and lose their power over you. Letting go of something

you've had all your life is very hard. Even if it's something bad, it's at

least familiar. Trusting someone enough to tell them what happened is very

scary. Trusting them enough to tell them how it made you feel is even

scarier. You have to find someone who is willing to listen, someone who

won't tell you what you should/shouldn't do or feel, someone who can handle

the disgusting parts and not turn away in shock.

Nobody worthwhile will think less of you if you let your demons out. Nobody

will think you are weak if you seek professional help. Very few of us are

able to handle this on our own. Our strength is in our numbers.

I wish you courage, brother of mine. You will need it for the long, hard

road ahead.

With all my love,

Your sister