Please help us to collect child abuse statistics so that we can support our growing database that informs, educates and provides insight into the challenging world of victim care. Your results are completely anonymous and the data collected will only be shared with genuine organisations and trusts without any connection to the individuals who helped compile the information. You can find HAVOCA’s Privacy Policy here.

The latest results can be found here.

There are a total of twenty five multiple choice questions with the option for comments at the bottom of the page.  The HAVOCA survey should take between 5 – 10 mins to complete. *Asterix mark a compulsory question.

HAVOCA Survivors Survey - Questions

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77 Responses to HAVOCA Survey

  1. little lost one says:

    The sexual abuse was by a doctor. I thought I was just over when I got to the drug and alcohol years. After nightmares and panic in 14th year of sobriety, I sought therapy specifically for the abuse issues. There were numerous depression, anxiety, and drug problems prior to that. I thought I had suppressed it until I drove across town by the office where it happened.
    I was also short, and bullied by brother and what I thought were friends. I always got so high to where I didn’t care. I am happily married and sober today, but still tend to be very uncomfortable around men bigger than me. HAVOCA has been so helpful Thank you so much.

    • Loisita Rodriguez says:

      I am a survivor of childhood into adulthood sexual, emotional, physical and mental abuse. My bio-mom gave me away to a pedophile and his family when I was 11 years old. Before that I had been raped and molested by family members and my moms boyfriends. I still have no recollections of certain years of my life, there are pictures but I don’t remember being there. I can remember some faces but no names. I can’t sleep and I can never complete a project. I can’t hold a job and I am becoming more and more afraid to leave my home. I recently relocated and am far away from my bio-mom and my soon to be ex-husband who by the way are still very close. I am the outsider in that relationship. I am looking to tell my story so that it can help others in their personal healing.

      • Kathryn Dubrick. says:

        Thank you. Your story is similar to mine. I always knew there was a huge problem. Especially when like you I had no recall of my childhood years. And my mother and ex husband were good friends. She took his side completely when we separated. Went so far as to say I had a big mouth so that is why he abused me. Sick peoples in this world.

      • Sandy says:

        i really am looking for some people i can talk to have been abused so much in life in many many ways. i do not know how to act anymore in public i do everything wrong no one wants to be around me because i feel i am stupid or dumb and etc. i feel like everything bad that happens is my fault. Just really needing to talk to someone. i am pretty much antisocial.

        • Jeannie says:

          Sandy, It sounds to me like you might benefit from a good Counselor or Psychologist/Therapist. Prayer also helps a lot. When some of us were abused, we were not well “socialized”, that is, we were not taught how to behave, or what a normal relationship entailed. Learning those skills is difficult, but it can be done. A good therapist can be like a “paid friend”, and can be very helpful. These are things that helped me, but I must admit, I don’t think that I will ever “fit in”. But I am loved, realize it, and have been able to overcome much. I will be praying for you and for the others.

    • Michael says:

      I too was abused by a Dr. I am one of the victims of Dr. Reginald Archibald.

  2. David Pecora Junior says:

    I’m scared to leave my home to social gatherings. I quit going to church cause I feel cursed. When the holidays come around my birthday does as well baring it’s teeth like an angry dog. The phone calls start, my anxiety gets the best of me, panic attacks appear like seizures. Talking to a therapist has had little success cause I wear a mask and hide behind obsidian walls. The only light I find is through constant prayer that God will take me back home.

    • Elii says:

      I also hope for the pain to end.

    • Anon says:

      I pray one day I am free of the pain… 30 years on from the abuse I suffered and I’m still that little girl trapped

    • atmravenmsncom says:

      Honey, you are so not cursed. Not at all. You have been harmed by horrible people. It is so not your fault. Ask the Heavenly Father for healing, not to take you home yet. I promise it can get better. I too was abused. But I’m ok now. You must have faith that the Lord will get you through this. I suggest that you be honest with a therapist who has dealt with your type of situation, not just any random therapist. Use this resource to find someone qualified. God bless you dear, Kim

  3. agentwxyz says:

    This survey seems to be more appropriate for physical or sexual abuse rather than emotional/psychological abuse

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thanks for your feedback. The survey is aimed at all types of abuse.

    • Ellen Wilson says:

      any form of abuse is abuse. I place no level on any abuse, special when it comes to a child. When a child is abused in any shape it effects us all as the child grows up.

    • Cindy Kinser says:


      • Tim says:

        Agreed here, also. I was physically abused by peers at school. Most of my abuse was in the form of emotional/mental abuse. I also dealt mostly with neglect as a child, which is a horrendous form of abuse and rarely ever addressed.

    • Geena Lolla says:

      True, but again it is still ALL child abuse. In addition, sexual abuse of a child is also physical abuse, emotional abuse and psychological abuse. They all come together in one big nasty package. An emotionally / psychologically abused child is damaged in a way that makes them an easy lifelong target for all the perverts and abusive people they may encounter at every twist and turn growing up and into adulthood.

  4. Me says:

    It has been 30 years since I reported the emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse I endured from birth to almost 14 by my father. I have healed & overcome many of the issues stemming from the abuse, yet I still have many, some of which I’m aware of some I am not. I don’t believe I will ever be completely healed because the abuse occurred at such an early age & lasted for so many years much of which I don’t remember. Though that doesn’t mean I have a horrible life or that I live in pain. Forgiveness was important for me because right or wrong I felt guilt, responsibility and shame for the abuse. By forgiving him I was able to forgive myself, which makes it easier to accept my flaws. It made it easier to accept that my father was who he was, some good some bad and some very ugly. I embrace the good, accept the bad & deal with the pain the ugly caused. When I make a connection between a certain behavior and the abuse I decide whether to change it or not and go from there. It’s not so big & overwhelming if you take it a little bit at a time, If my abuse hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who I am, and I like who I am it doesn’t matter that I’m a work in progress, just means I’m more interesting than most.

    • HAVOCA says:

      I love the sentiment of your comment – thank you. There is hope for all survivors.

      Forgiveness is an emotive topic. I am a big advocate of forgiveness, although I don’t sign up to forgiveness of the abuser…..I am more focused on forgiving the child victim and the adult survivor within.

      • Graham Weaver says:

        forgiveness sets you free and forgiveness for the abuser is absolutely essential, however hard. I know a woman who forgave her father for abusing her and is living the most wonderful and love filled life. it is a process and journey, for sure, but I’m not sure that advocating non-forgiveneness is very helpful considering that some may wish in their hearts to forgive and may be put off by your words, thus carrying around more resentment and anger that they so long to release

        • HAVOCA says:

          Forgiveness for the abuser is not absolutely essential for everyone. If a victim wants to forgive their abuser or reach a place where they can forgive them then that should be encouraged for them but if a victim doesn’t feel able, now or ever, then they should not be made to feel they have to. It isn’t essential.

          • AlisonSibbald says:

            Thank you thank you, I am so relieved to hear you say it is not essential, I was encourage 35 years ago to forgive my brother for the sexual abuse but I can’t even today I can’t forgive him for what he did and always felt bad for not being able to do that forvall these years, I maybe now can let it go and forgive myself for not being able to do it, thank you, means the world to me,

    • lyla says:

      wow so strong and wise. I think u are healed its just a few residual splinters that come up.

      • Ann Bonnewell says:

        I have forgiven everyone. I think the previous generation were damaged after ww1 and their pre generation were strict with them. Children weren’t viewed generally as being worth full. It seems to have been normal then so why am I complaining. Mine is trivial compared to some so why has it affected ed me so much. If I’d had more confidence as teenager I would have done what I really want d to despite my father and mother begging me not to. Despite what has happened I have achieved much more than any in my family and a lot of people. Many amazing things as well so my life hasn’t been wasted. My main sadness is that both my sons have had councelling after suffering PTSD, anxiety depression for various reasons. Is there anyone normal? Is there a normal?

  5. Brittany says:

    I was also sexually abused by a doctor. They should have that as an option on the survey.

  6. Ellen Wilson says:

    I am almost 55 now and the effects of abuse still come up and effect me. I hate this so much. The fear he put in me all those years and the stuff he put me through I have had therapist to say they are suprised I am still here. Even though I wanted to leave this world there has always been someone to step in and help me. I have worked hard to heal, and I am still fighting to heal. One gets tired.

  7. elaine says:

    I am 55. I have worked through my whole life trying to overcome my first 16 years. I have had help and I have gained strength.People might consider me successful and strong. But I still have a corner in my soul that can be broken into. I want to recover. I want to be just me without the background. I desperately want this never to happen to another child. I can’t bear the fact that it will. My love and encouragement goes out to all of you who have had this unjust treatment by people who should see children as small adults to nurture, not to destroy for their own gratification.

  8. Erika says:

    I am now 40 and I never thought that I’d live to see 30. My abuse consumed the first 20 years of my life and I paid the price for the second 20 years of my life. I have been self destructive in every way. I have attempted suicide multiple times. I have abused drugs and alcohol. I spent 20 years self harming and now wear scars for the world to see. I never feel joy. My soul is somewhat dead. I have glimpses of what could have been, what could still be. Those glimpses give me hope. I know what went wrong. I’ve stopped hating my abusers because it was stealing my life from me. I’m learning to love myself. I figure I spent the first half of my life trying and wishing to die; I think I’ll spend the last half learning to live.

  9. Karen says:

    The assaults happened in my home when I was 13; I am now 63. I buried the memories until I was in my early thirties when the memories resurfaced, perhaps because I was planning my wedding. The abuser was my father’s boss, and I never told my parents because I was afraid they would blame me. They died over 30 years ago without me telling them. Five years ago I tried to locate the abuser via the internet. I wanted to confront and humiliate him by taking a picture of him with a sign around his neck that said “Sexually preys on children” and send to the local newspaper. Unfortunately, I could not find any information. Two weeks ago, I found a picture of his gravestone that was posted on the internet in 2013. I’m trying to find closure 50 years after the abuse and want to post the picture online as a way to publicly humiliate his name. His wife and daughter (who I suspect was sexually abused by him) are also deceased, so innocent family members would not be affected. I guess I’m still afraid there will be legal repercussions even though I am the victim of this man’s selfish desires.

    • HAVOCA says:

      I feel your pain but revenge isn’t always the best option. Perhaps you should look inwards to deal with the pain rather than waste emotional effort on the scum who abused you.

  10. twinkles reynolds says:

    I’ve been sexually abused by my grandfather when I was very young. Can’t remember how long I was abused. Every time my parents will leave me with my grandfather when they have to go work or go on dates, I know what will happen every time. He died when I was young. As he was being carried downstairs ( he was having a hard time breathing and will be taken to a hospital ), I never shed a tear. That’s the last time I saw him alive. But until now, after so many years, I still feel angry.

  11. lost & alone says:

    I just turned 40. My whole life I have pretended it didn’t happen, that it didn’t happen to me. I kind of remember it like a dream or a movie. If I start to talk about it or something comes up about sexual abuse, I break down. I had jurry duty and the guy was accused of abusing his step daughter. I shook like a leaf and cried like an idiot. The judge dismissed me, apologized to me and hoped I could get help. I felt like a fool. Now they think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. The abuse only happen one time and I can’t even remember it clearly. It seems the older I get the more issues I have. Shouldn’t it be the opposite? Why is this troubling me so much more now, and why is it making me so angry at myself? I find what David P. said so perfect. The only comfort is praying God will take me home.

    • HAVOCA says:

      No, absolutely not. Why should it be the opposite.

      If you broke your leg and never had any surgery or corrective medical help, would it get better or would it continue to cause you more and more problems? mental health issues are the same. Time is a good healer if you put the correct healing processes in place. Denial and avoidance are not the correct tools to use.

      You arent alone though! Sadly thousands of people go through this and happily many recover to lead full and happy lives. Have you seen out forums? You might like to join and meet like minded people.

      • Mel says:

        Hi there.

        I for one am suffering the same way that you are.

        I have buried and forgotten about things that happened to me when I was growing up, so much so that I now question whether or not these things actually did happen or if its a fragment of my imagination.

        One thing I know for sure is that I am struggling to cope with my own behaviour and my feelings towards those closest to me and I, like you, can’t really understand why this is happening now after so long of getting on with my life.

        I have spoken to my GP today and have hopefully put the wheels in motion to finally start talking about my childhood and hopefully start mending those broken areas that I’ve neglected for so long.

        I am finding reading other peoples encounters very reassuring, life can be horrible sometimes but how we deal with it and move on to be better people because of it makes our world a better place so thank you for sharing your story with me.

      • AlisonSibbald says:

        Thank you for the above, where can I find your forums please

  12. Joan Maccarrone says:

    Your website has too little subscribers for me to feel comfortable here. People with C-PTSD like to feel alone. This is too close for comfort. I like to get lost in a crowd. I am at home in the middle of a wash of people flowing like the tide, with enormously tall buildings surrounding me. I come from NYC where you can be a grain of sand on a million shores.

    • HAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry you feel like that. The beauty of the internet is that it is so anonymous, so actually you could look at it differently by seeing the small number of subscribers versus the huge number of people surfing the internet. Alternatively we have a huge online forum with over three thousand members that you might like to join.

  13. Julia_grove says:

    I am glad I found this site. I am 40 and I’m a wreck. Not only was I molested at 11 by a family friend, I grew up in such a dysfunctional family. I have a wonderful husband and daughter but I am still numb inside.

    My father was very physically and emotionally abusive. My mother is still with him and I cannot have a relationship with her or my disabled brother unless I go through my dad. He is the gatekeeper, all or none. It kills me but I suck it up… I just don’t have the courage to sever ties with my mom and brother. I will never be free.

  14. batman says:

    For years, I’ve made myself believed that the abuse that happened to me when I was a child had never had any effect on my psyche. I made myself believe it so much that during my teenage years I have almost forgotten about it. When I entered college, the Office for the Student Affairs gave an introductory program for the freshmen. They were offering free therapy for students. I was tempted to go but I didn’t because I was afraid that my brother and other relatives that goes to the same university would somehow know about it and cause a scandal. I kept everything to myself. Never told anyone. Never have the courage to do so. So I lied to myself and told me that I’m fine, that what they’re going to say in therapy would probably the same thing that I tell myself. It wasn’t until I saw my abusers get on with their lives with a smile on their faces that it hit me — I’m not over it. I kept questioning God why He allowed that to happen to me, why He didn’t stop it from happening, why my abusers are happy and well while I suffer from flashbacks. I didn’t get any answers, it could probably because I’m not listening or He just doesn’t have any. Either way, I’m still stuck. I still live with one of my abusers and the other one visits our house and is very welcome. I grin and bear with it or I just keep quiet. Will it ever end? I don’t know.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Yes, it can end but it won’t happen all on its own. Labelling the process is difficult but you often hear words like ‘journey’ or ‘healing’. They sum up what needs to happen pretty well, you need to embark on a journey and along the way you need to focus on healing. It sounds easy, right? As you’ve probably guessed, it isn’t easy at all. The concept is straight forward but the effort and resilience that is needed along the way is a tough battle. This site will hopefully give you some ideas and guidance. Our forums are a great place to find support too.

  15. Still Anonymous... says:

    My parents are divorced but my dad still lives near my mom, knowing that I will go there. His wife and my mom’s new husband also have found ways to harm me. Additionally, due to my dad’s volatile personality, I do not know if I can stop seeing him despite being an adult. I’ve only just started to realize how terrible he is and was. I guess counselor number 4 is finally getting through. The counselor recently said I will probably never remember parts of my abuse (My memory has a gap of 2 years… and that gap starts 20 years ago). My brother, honest to a fault, remembers what happened and you can tell it still disturbs him. He’s only been able to say a few bits and pieces. Part of me wants to know so badly what happened, but a much larger part just wants to forget it so my brother wont have to relive it by telling me.

  16. Marie says:

    I hate that I belong here, but when your father was a pedophile and a sociopath, you have issues. I see that some people here have “forgiven”, but for me, I will not forgive. No repentance, no forgiveness. Forgiveness is mine to keep or to give, and I choose to keep mine reserved for those who have the decency and humanity to sincerely humble themselves and apologize. So no, I do not forgive my father or my mother or any other person who screwed up my life. My ability to be emotionally or physically intimate with another human being was destroyed. I never married, never had children, and never will have, what many take for granted, a warm and loving relationship. My damage is deep and irreparable. So no, I will not forgive. As my therapist put it, if I can get to indifference regarding my past, that will be my healing and I’ll gladly take it.

  17. lyla says:

    i agree with no repentance no forgiveness. However the problem is forgiveness it the door to healing. Its a problem i have been trying to deal with for many years. My solution to date is to pray for the bastards but I pray ‘May my abusers receive what they deserve’ vengence is mine says the lord I will repay!
    This is all i am capable of at this stage of my life. It maybe holding up my recovery but its all i can manage now.

    • HAVOCA says:

      I believe that forgiveness can be one of the keys to open that door but it isn’t always necessary. Forgiveness doesn’t always be aimed at the abuser either. Forgiveness can be about forgiving the way you, as a survivor, coped with the past. Forgiving yourself for the negative coping mechanisms that you have brought with you into adult life. Forgiving those unhealthy ways and allowing yourself that acknowledgement.

    • sara coston says:

      I agree with you. Lyla that the abuser needs revenge.

  18. hjmarkowitz says:

    I was always so angry and crazy until i remembered again some abuse and weird times. Sexual abuse and all kinds of hateful emotional –physical and psych abuse. Different families. Once I was left out in a storm on a summer vacation that lasted too long. Ran into tornadoes out in a field all by myself, but the community took care of me for awhile. One should think of good things instead of bad. I think a lot of bad psyche doctors abuse unhappy patients with medicine that makes you sick. Bad shrinks suck!!

  19. Zelmion says:

    I think this questionnaire is a bit oversimplified already at the very beginning, and there’s no possibility to add own remarks. E.g. we are asked to mark what kind of abuse we faced, but there’s no clear definition what the words “physical” etc. mean. For example, what is the difference between “emotional” and “psychological” abuse? (Actually, is there any form of abuse that is not “psychological”? I think all kinds of abuse affect the psyche..) Is it “sexual abuse” if a teenage girl cannot avoid her father repeatedly needing to “accidentally” come to her room and start having a long talk while she’s changing? Is it “physical abuse” when a father is lifting his hand in a quite threatening way as if to hit but finally the hit actually doesn’t come, or when the father is smashing objects in his rage? This acts also deliver the message “I can do whatever I want and you have no chance to stand up against my will”, even though the father doesn’t even touch his kid…

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thanks very much for your feedback. We are inclined to agree with you, especially as we fully understand the complexity of each definition and the subjective nature of the assessment each survivor needs to make to tick a box. What we are interested in is a broad estimate about the survivors own assessment rather than a detailed break down of the type of abuse they ‘actually’ suffered. Their own assessment marks the line in the sand – a more sophisticated, in depth analysis is not what this survey is about. Generalised numbers help organisations, like this one, focus their services in the right direction. The type of detailed analysis you are talking about is a more academic approach; I would hope we can aspire to that level of detail in the future once this ‘over-arching’ study has run its course.

  20. Ruth Ann Lowman says:

    I struggled with anger so many years of my life. I sought counseling several times in my life for life relationship issues. Of course the
    Issues with my father were mentioned. I have never specifically dealt with my life from 7-17 years old. And then I started making bad choices. My father died in 1970. I attended al-a-non group for 2 years and that was very helpful in many ways. But I still hurt inside.

  21. Tanice Nedd-Smith says:

    It’s so upsetting to know that there are evil and sick people out there that would abuse a child. My abuser was my nephew. The shock and sickness hit me all over again when I scrolled through to see there was no ‘nephew’ or ‘niece’ option to who the abuser was in the survey. Then again why would anyone suspect that a niece or nephew could abuse their younger auntie or uncle?

    I still suffer from depression, I feel I’ve been depressed since it happened when I was a child but it’s only coming to the surface now that I’m 22.

  22. I says:

    I was abused while in school by fellow school mates, it took me a longtime to realize that what they did constituted as abuse, and I’m still trying to get through it. What they did to me has had long term effects on me, and has ingrained behaviors into me that I’d really like to lose… I use to feel very alone because when I told someone nothing ever happened, so the trauma of having to tell them all of those embarrassing things that were done to me were for nothing. I’m still young and I have a full life ahead of me and I hope that even though what they did hurts me I this day, I can move past that trauma and have a life that I’m proud of, and I hope the same for everyone else here

  23. sharon says:

    I am worried about beginning the healing process because I fear the emotional effects may get worse.. I can’t stand to be touched some times, and just want to heal my tired mind and be “normal” . This has been a secret so long that i’m afraid talking about it may dredge up trauma.

  24. Veronica arsenault says:

    I was abused since i was 2 but it wasn’t till my moms boyfriend abused me that it was dealt with..we were taken into custody and my mother and him went on the run for 13 years.he got 7 years served 3.I was put in group home and all i wanted was to go back to new brunswick to live with my family but they didn’t want that so i ran away so they decided to put me in a mental hospital which i didn’t desever to be so instead of getting me help they locked me up and hes free for 13 years. i still havn’t got the help i needed. every theripist i seen didn’t want to deal with my past just my future makes no sense.I was also raped by an ordaly at the hospital and all they did was move him to anoher floor which i still got to see him when i had to go to eat.Yes i am very angry and depressed and think of killing myself all the time but according to the experts i don’t need help with my past just my future .

  25. Jega says:

    I am 54 years male from Sri Lanka ( A country situated south to India). I am the only son in my family of 4 children and I am the third child. My father used to give me verbal abuses. Just 2-3 months after I turned to 11 years old he started telling me you are getting involved with some bad habits. I was not in a position to understand at that time what he meant, and once I denied he was very arrogant and said whatever he says is correct. I was under the threat that I may be even chased out from the home if I oppose him. Therefore I had no alternative other than listening to his abuse words for years and years. It took three more years (when I turned to 14) for me to understand that he was referring to masturbation. After realizing this fact I was more angry and started hating him because I was blamed for something which I have never done. Though my mother was kind with me she was also afraid of my father and she rarely tells my father not to harm me. When I was in my mid teens his verbal abuse about masturbation was so high and also started telling that it is because of his grace that I have been provided meals, clothing and shelter. I felt I had been humiliated and disgraced. At the same time I had lost my self confidence also. At this stage I was not provided with decent cloths to wear to school and I was so hesitant and shy to ask for it from my parents. When I was 16 I had to continuously fast for more than a week during my school holidays for me to convince my parents that I need a new set of cloths to go to school. Further to continuous verbal abuse of Masturbation I used to think even to the extent that it is because of having the sexual organs I have to face all these difficulties. Until age of 20 I had nobody to share my thoughts and views regarding these verbal sexual abuses. When I was 20+ I got the opportunity to move away from my family for higher studies and I got the opportunity to move with various people and realized for the first time that masturbation very normal and there is no harm in doing it and for the first time I have done it!. Within next three years time I started to earn on my own, much more exposed to the outside world and gained more self confident. At this time I got the confidence to fight back with my father regarding his verbal sexual abuses he started when I was at a tender age of 11+. However even at this stage he was telling that that whatever he has done is correct and I was really carrying out masturbation. After this incident I have stopped talking to him, completely ignored him for nearly 20 years until his death. Though I have come out of most of the depression, anxiety, self harming & suicidal thoughts still I used to face few issues. Sometimes I use to confuse with my office bosses with my father. I am very hesitant to ask for my rights such as increments, fringe benefits etc. Some times I used to get very nervous and angry with my mother (who passed way 3 months back) and sisters whenever they tried to convince my adverse opinion regarding my father.

  26. Connie Mack says:

    Very important effort here…..Love it and KEEP IT UP!

  27. Jeanne says:

    I was the victim of extensive abuse that took many forms. One day, I mentioned to my granddaughter that I had been repeatedly told that I “was worth less than the dirt on the floor, would never amount to anything, and no one would ever love me or have me.” She busted out laughing, and replied, “Boy, your sure showed them!” At first I was offended by her laughter and attitude, but with time, I have realized just how wonderfully HEALING her response was. I have been severely damaged by the original abusive (and similar) comments, but she immediately recognized them as absolute garbage without a shred of truth in them, and knew they were not to be taken seriously. That has been very helpful, and I am trying to do the same. Wish I could have done that as a child!

  28. Rusty Bear says:

    I really can’t remember when the abuse started. Mostly I remember being told that if I told anyone He would kill. hurt, or use my little sisters instead of me for his pleasure. He beat. burned and tortured all 6 of us from before I can remember. He told us we were unlovable, ugly, stupid, would never amount to anything but trash. He said ]even your own mother can’t love you! I finally told a teacher what he was doing to me when I was about 12, I never went home again. I had only the clothes I had warn to school that morning, He would not allow me any thing else. I had no contact with my siblings till after each one left home. I was made out to be a monster in the minds of my younger sisters, one of them still refuses to speak to me. If I had stayed, he told them, he would have never had touched them. The pain and humiliation he was inflicting on them was all my fault. I was the reason he was forced to abuse all of them because he had to make sure they didn’t turn out to be like me! He claimed. They were all younger than I was so they mostly forgot that he was abusing them long before I was removed from our home, so they started believing him. But eventually they realized the truth and searched for me. All except the baby of the family, who still refuses to have anything at all to do with me. We are all scattered across the U.S. with little contact and hardly know one another. For the crimes he and our mother inflicted upon us he faced little or no punishment. My siblings and I all lost our sense of family, our childhoods were nonexistent And we all suffer varying degrees of mental health issues. I have tried on several occasions to stop the pain and memories from intruding by trying to kill my self, or self medicating with drugs and alcohol, Anything to dull the sounds of his long dead voice yelling that I am a monster that no one could ever love because even my own family couldn’t love me. I can’t say I suffered more or lost more than anyone else because the worst thing that ever happened to anyone is still the worst thing that ever happened to them. We all fight the darkness of those memories with every breath. One of my sisters lost her fight many years ago. I believe her struggle mutated into Leukemia. I did find out though that the act of forgiveness is not for the abuser, The only one who suffers from the hate we feel is us. and the only one who starts to heal is the one doing the forgiving, I never told my abusers that I forgave them. But I started feeling better the first day after I forgave them. I took back my power, I refused to let the bad guys win. They had no control over me any longer.I don’t think I will ever heal ALL the scars but I get a little better every year.I still have flashbacks, Most days I can’t leave my apartment. I have panic attacks and anxiety all the time, But the self harm and thoughts of suicide are few and far between.My thoughts are clearer and less scattered, and I can almost watch a whole movie without getting sidetracked.

  29. Joe says:

    After recent flashbacks that started after a recent trigger from the past and reliving the pain as if I went back 5 decades into the event of being violently raped not even a hug or a kiss and feeling the pain as if I was there again, I
    looked online and discovered I was not alone With this type of abuse i a read articles from RAINN and contacted them I went to a group session as advised by there national advertised number everywhere on the internet the phone rep gave me the time and address of the group sessions in my first meeting they were all female survivors with the same type of abuse story’s as mine at very young years around 10 years of age I felt at ease to talk in this open forum group meeting as I felt unsafe in a private meeting with a counselor being the system did not work for me when I was a 6 year old I was fed right to the abuse Placed in A foster home after seeing a counselor for a few minutes I was repetaly raped by them for months along with racist religion slurrs during the rapes at that age I did not know what any of that meant I did not know what I did wrong to being so hurt so badly and in so much pain. At my young age I was able to run away after after several months. Going back to the 2nd RAINN group meeting I was feeling some relief of less anxiety being able to talk to peers of the same type of abuse and age are of abuse but in the 2nd group meeting there was a new group counselor – group coordinator she made a statement that she was a victim of abuse and for about 45 minutes from the very start of the meeting I did not say a thing but just listen to all she was saying and and in my Opinion was all directed at me I felt the hurt as I feel it was all directed to me being I was the only male In this group I feel she had resentment to men in general. The group was accepting of me but the room leader / coordinater/ counselor ? Was not and kept alluding to me to seek one on one counseling And or to seek counseling outside of RAINN and or to look online at a website psychology today to seek help I felt so hurt a few days before the next meeting I received a call from RAINN front desk office worker at that center saying I was being rejected from the group meeting I later complained about the ordeal to the director of that center and was able to attend this next group session and now just one day before the following next session I received another call saying that someone in the meeting was not at ease with me a male being in this group Although there was a very good communication between all of us in the group. So my question is if I was being triggered by one person in the group Why not excuse that person why me If i was being triggered by someone I would excuse myseIf I would think that person should have been excused so what happened to me in my opinion was a discriminating decision against a male in a female group. I felt the same kind of pains they all describe this is not a male female type of thing I was a child and hurt so badly they where children and where hurt badly to this was not and adult assault group wecwhere all children being hurt but I think think in my opinion the new group leader / counselor was an adult victim of a male sexual assault and was seeding the group against me for her own agenda. Me I am a shy person in general and in hurt from this ordeal I have been looking for other groups. And what I see there is no resources at all in Nevada. RAINN is very misleading in there national web campaigns they talk much about male victims but all three groups are female only. I do not mind being in any mixed straight male female or any gender type of groups we wgervall just children when this abuse took place no control over male or female there should be groups open to all genders mixed or not identity’s or not child sexual assault is an assault on all of us and we should be able to try and heal together and to learn from all together sometimes one on one counseling does not work
    As one of the victims in one of these group suffered such a problem from a one to one.
    Please if there are any other groups you know of please advise me I am a healing person I did not let my abusers take my soul and I am a very sensitive positive feeling person even after of this

  30. Don r says:

    Thank You for remembering the ones who almost didn’t make it. The 60’s were very secretive for these kinds of crimes. Its as thou the perpetrators thought they were allowed to commit these crimes and call it discipline. They don’t realize the flaming wreckage they leave on the runway along with the collateral damage to our loved ones who put up with us and the ones who give up . My flashbacks started after my sons were born. A narcissistic mother and an asshole stepfather are a horrible team up against children, we had no ONE on our side. I finally pushed the trash out of my life. Good riddance they are gone. Now just to survive . trying EMDR, FINGERS XED
    Thanx again

  31. julie says:

    what I struggle with is the conflicts in information from various resources. I have worked hard on my self but then can be called a victim if I relate a behaviour I have to an experience. For example I still freeze in some situations of being put on the spot, I have no thoughts, or maybe I have that many I do not know what they are. It can take me days, weeks, even months to realise or understand what has happened or the process I have gone through. Surely if I am willing to work on these issues this cant make me a victim? or does it? eg if someone was hit over the head with a hammer and this caused memory loss, would people say stop being a victim if they said I have memory loss because I was hit over the head with a hammer? it is a fact? and a statement. I don’t dwell on it and never want anyone to feel sorry for me, I’m just explaining my processes and why if I am startled or someone raises their voice why I am unable to answer straight away rather than look ignorant which is what I have been called before.
    Then I look at Buddhist work and they say love all beings as if they are buddas.? I struggle with this conflict, you cant continue to be around those who continue to betray and criticize you as that is not healthy, especially when your trying really, really hard to unravel the mess or early years etc.
    And what about early childhood where you have no actual memory? What then, when you had no words, it would of just been emotional? with physical reactions.
    I am currently having CBT which is good at challenging thoughts but at the same time making me feel mad because a lot of abuse creates feelings and intuition, for example if someone walks in a room and you can see there mood etc etc.

  32. Angelina Shabazz Thomas says:

    I tried to submit the survey twice, Both times it says “There was an error. The error status code is: 403 The error message is: error”. This is so unhelpful. I am trying to get help but I get this message. It’s like a confirmation that I am just defective and there is no help, or place that I fit in to society. I’m just an error. This website is so misleading. People pouring their hearts out on the internet and it’s not even being monitored by anyone that can provide assistance.

  33. Deboralee Willis says:

    thank you

  34. Still Suffering says:

    I’m a now 45 year old woman, Mother and Wife and I’m STILL suffering from continuing abuse from my parents…my father is my main abuser, my mother covers for him and manipulates what people think. They work as a team to assassinate my character and lie to people to manipulate and effect my relationships with others in an effort to isolate me when I try to cut them off. Where are the questions about the fact that abuse DOESN’T END WHEN PEOPLE BECOME ADULTS?

  35. Lost Soul says:

    I was sexually and physically abused from the age of seven by my step father! I later tried to deal with what had happened by becoming heavily involved in drugs which lead to me getting raped by a “friend” I’ve had a number of failed suicide attempts and hit absolute rock bottom last year having held onto this secret for 25years I finally realised I either got help or die there was no other option! I told my family what had happened and they’ve all supported me so much through my healing process. I don’t feel pained about the abuse I’m numb to it, it’s how it’s affected me mentally how it’s affected all my relationships! Now in therapy everything’s making sense most of my reactions in adult life have been trauma responds! I just hope now doing the inner work I will heal and live a happy healthy life as my true self 🙏

  36. Allie says:

    Thanks for your work. This is the first place I’ve found that doesn’t mainly focus on “Adult Children with a Disability” which is a whole ‘nothing thing.

  37. M1.76channel says:

    I think this is amazing the support you offer within the forums and the safe space to be able to express feelings is invaluable, sometimes it’s really hard to articulate how you feel or what has happened to you in your life and knowing that you are not alone is immense when you are on a healing journey.
    I have been locked in or out / abused by both parents and literally only just escaped at 44 .. I thought all was normal. Well intellectually I knew it wasn’t normal
    Every single day is a struggle a really tough decision to continue because everything has gone, sense of self, my spirit I even think my soul has been crushed. Can that be rectified ?
    Thank you for the hope amongst the dissonance that everyone brings to this site.

  38. Elco says:

    My childhood abuse and trauma caused a type of subconscious intimacy anxiety that kills desire and shuts me down sexually. This only seems to happen when a given relationship starts getting serious. When I was single this didn’t bother me as I would simply break off the relationship when the sexual dysfunctions started and move on to another woman. This went on for 15 years until I finally married but now the marriage is sexless and has been since the beginning. We tried therapy over the years without any luck. One therapist said he thought I was suffering from an Avoidant Attachment Disorder.

  39. Teresa says:

    I can not heal fully or forgive fully because of the denial of the abusive parent, the denial of the enabling parent, the denial surrounding the authorities and the denial of society. In some realities, other peoples, I simply do not exist and no where in law am I truly able to present my truth or my true self. The treatment of childhood sexual abuse victims by the UK judicial system in my experience and from what I see around me, is a national disgrace.
    I believe paedophiles are mentally unwell. and that until society accepts this, no cure will ever be found.

  40. kathy20015 says:

    Mother moved into rapist/brother’s marital home at 90yrs old. I was ‘re triggered’ and chose to speak out. I confronted mother, who, back in 1970 watched brother beat me unconscious, which he did right after raped me. I was a teen and bro was 21. She coughed up some restitution. Rapist bro sent half of it then blocked my calls. My blabbing reached the South Carolina police. SOL lifted, investigators sought mom’s eye-witness testimony. Mom died last year, I filed a claim against her estate in hopes of getting her eye-witness testimony from her grave. Wish me luck.

  41. Chris says:

    I am 32 and a Father of 3. I have always been around abuse since I was young when my drunken father used to beat us and my mom. After 22 years of marriage, they split up when I was 12. It was then I was on my own while my mom and sister would stay out all night and my mom would bring home random guys, one of which I walked in on to the point i moved back in with my dad in a drug and alcohol induced home. He used to put on porn when my friend came over, both of us around 12, and encurage us to you know, and try to get my friends to espose themselves to him so he could compare sizes. I was addicted to Ecstasy, canale, alcohol, cocain, weed, and used regularly until I found LSD and Mushrooms with saved my life and got me away from those substance accept for alcohol which I abuse up until diabetes caught up a few years ago…I blocked it all out until I was 32 when my uncle killer himself and it came out him and other Jehovah Whiteness Elders were molesting his sons and it got me to question my past. There was so much I didn’t remember from my past which I thought it was the drugs. Later in life around age 23 my step dad left a bruise on my 2 year old son and when I confronted him about it he threatened to use lethal action against me and my mom took his side as always. She still lives with him and she denied everything full knowing what happened and tries to get me to forget after shuting her out for 4 years. Its hard being the only one left in my family when my spouse has siblings to consult to.. I have a good job, with an amazing wife and kids with a bright future owning my own business. I just internalize and have my entire life until now because it’s just too much to deal with all at once and this is just the top of the iceburg. My wife has an even more horiffic childhood and we are each others therapist but it becomes too much for us sometimes. We do our best to protect our kids and stay on the grind to a successful life but the depression from the past is unbearable at times.

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