HAVOCA Survey Results

HAVOCA Survivor Survey Results

The HAVOCA Survey is a live survey; that means questionnaires are being completed all the time.  Therefore the following results show the latest set of results at the time of posting.  On this date 4997 questionnaires had been completed. The answers are broken down below:
If you have already completed this Survey please also consider;

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The results:survey results


Please note these results were last updated in Dec 2017.  At the time of publishing these results, 4997 questionnaires had been completed. If you haven’t done so already and would like to take part in the study, please follow this link.

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77 Responses to HAVOCA Survey Results

  1. Debbie Campbell says:

    This was a helpful survey.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      These statistics are alarming! The proportion of abuse that remains undisclosed is alarming, the proportion of reports not taken seriously is alarming, the tiny proportion of abusers taken to court is alarming, the proportion of cases taken to court resulting in convictions is alarming, the reported numbers of abusers being mothers and grandmothers is alarming (it would be interesting to know the proportions of these that were emotional abuse – the mother child relationship is incredibly intense and if emotional abuse makes up the majority of the abuse but mothers and grandmothers I find it a little more believable). The psychological effect of abuse, while predictable, is alarming, but more importantly the apparent lack of effective therapy is also alarming. The comments below are equally alarming, particularly in light of the apparent ineffectiveness of therapy. While I am sure most abusers have themselves been the victims of abuse, all victims must take responsibility to do their best to seek help and not to pass on the result of their abuse. We must all make abuse more widely discussed and work on effective therapies and CRUCIALLY peer support!

      • Mrs j says:

        What an ignorant comment. Do you not think if it was so easy to seek help the abused wouldn’t have done so? Not all abused go on to abuse,just so you know that.

        • Anne-Marie says:

          Ignorant? Mrs J – you have misread my comment and misinterpreted my message.
          I said the lack of effective therapy is alarming! It is. I know!
          I said that we must work on effective therapies!
          I want therapy to be available to everyone who has been abused and who wants therapy (not everyone does – and the timing of when people feel the need for therapy is different. Some people cope for years and then something throws them and they feel the need for therapy. I know from personal experience)
          I did not say that all abused people go on to abuse others, I said that I feel sure that all abusers have (at some time) been abused themselves (to quote MacBeth ‘Bloody instructions, which, being taught, return To plague th’ inventor’). I was abused but I have (certainly not knowingly) abused anyone.

      • david binks says:

        The problem is what is abuse. Someone may consider normal if that is the way they where raised first its tolerated then its accepted then the abusive sociopath considers themselves normal by their own standards. The problem is they probably know they are wrong but say don tell anyone indicating they accept it is wrong but deny anything is wrong to save the family from embarrassment. Lack of integrity and basic moral awareness can be responsible for continuation of abuse from generation to generation, until someone says enough this is wrong.,

        • Anne-Marie says:

          Exactly David.
          Unfortunately, whatever we experience as normal as a child, we accept as normal for us.
          Therefore it is easy for someone who has been abused enough, without having experienced what most people see as a normal, supportive, loving relationship, to see an abusive relationship as normal.
          Which is why I feel the abusers need therapy as much as the abused – to prevent further perpetuating the abuse.

          • Isabella Raine says:

            What an ignorant comment ! My childhood abuse made me all the more aware ! l made sure that my three children never suffered the same experience ! I may be damaged but l made sure that they are not !!!!!

      • P says:

        What a ridiculous thing to say. Think first before you write as what you have written is upsetting to others. People sometimes can’t speak out and not all people who have been abused go on to abuse others. Any kind of abuse can be damaging, and it’s all individual. So in my mind, that doesn’t need discussing.

        • Anne-Marie says:

          P – like Mrs J you have misread or misinterpreted my comment.
          I apologise profusely if I have upset anyone – that was not my intent.
          I agree that all abuse is both individual and damaging and would add that everyone’s response to abuse is equally individual.
          The reason why I feel abuse must be more widely discussed is precisely so that people who have been abused feel that they can speak out and seek help.
          I did not even recognise that I had been abused as a child until it was pointed out to me by a therapist while we were attending therapy because my husband had decided to admit that he was gay and (ultimately) was leaving me for a toy boy the same age as our children.
          So it is not even as simple as some people cannot speak out – some people do not even recognise that they have been abused! I clearly remember Childlike being launched and feeling sorry for these poor abused children; as though they were a different species to me or something. I did not realise that I was the sort of child for whom Childline was intended. As a teacher, the one thing which I did not feel comfortable discussing with the children was abuse; but now I regret that and wish I had been more open with the children.
          Once I disclosed to some close friends why I was struggling with my separation and that it was not simply the separation, it was a confluence of life crises including having to suddenly deal with my husband disclosing my abuse to my family (and that causing grief and consternation within my family),that I discovered some of my closest friends had also suffered abuse – some more prolifically and more damaging than my own abuse, but they had never felt able to confide their abuse in anyone.
          The relief to find other people who had been through abuse as a child and to talk to other victims was immense. The revelation that other people I had known almost all of my life had also been through abuse and had also not confided in anyone was incredible and we had some very cathartic discussions.

    • Mandy says:

      I was born the middle child of 5. Father was a bosun,home 3 months at sea for 2. They both abused my brother and I from very very small until roughly 9yrs and 10yrs. It ranged from beating,kicking,starvation,sleep deprivation and sexual abuse. She had numerous affairs and left us home in bed having been beaten under the control of our older sister. We weren’t fed so my brother stole slices of bread or dog biscuits for us in the middle of the night. She eventually left with a young man,leaving us kids behind,taking only the 2youngest. Our father had the pleasure of abusing all 3of us when she left,eldest sister included. Now,my mother lives in Manchester,having had two more sons who know nothing of her past. I dream of hurting her,yes,even murdering her. My father is in Thailand where he will remain hidden until he’s dead. Even in adulthood he used to drive past my home,to let me know he knew where I was. It wasn’t until I lost my son and my mind and tried to murder him that he stopped doing this and disappeared off to Thailand and remarried. I am almost 50 yrs of age,and every day of my life has been filled with fear and sadness and I’m tired. I want to close my eyes for good as I’ve had enough of my memories and anger I just want peace.

      • Anne-Marie says:

        Mandy what you have been through is unimaginably cruel. I completely understand your feelings of anger, fear, sadness and your need for revenge and peace. Please seek help – you deserve support. Sadly, I think that there is not enough effective therapy but there are good therapists out there if you keep looking. Have you tried to join a support group? There are self help support groups out there on Facebook and so on. I hope that the moderators will be able to point you in the direction of help. I am certainly happy for them to give you my contact details if they are able to.

    • Waveylines says:

      I was abused by my father from a very small child. His last attempt was when he was three weeks off dying with cancer I was 28! I ran out of the house and never saw him again. The truth is we ALL have choices as abusers and as victims to decide how we let what has happened to us influence our actions to others once we are adults. It most definately is a choice! My abuser was an adult and I was but a little child……I had No choice at that point in my life but my abuser most certainly did! He was highly manipulative and has broken our family wide apart….and NEVER was held to account due to deep denial systems in my family. The end result is now no contact with any of my siblings…..the mental effects continues.

      I find it deeply concerning that there is some idea of compassion to show our abusers as they are victims as if they cant help themselves! They may have been abused (but maybe not!) thats true but there is absolutely no excuse for carrying out abusive acts as an adult on others. None!

      Those of us who have chosen to go on to have children make choices and seek out information and good role models so we can be good enough parents as opposed to being abusive & repeating what was done to us. If the majority of victims can do this it begs the question why those who become abusers do not mend their ways. The vast majority of abusers don’t change- so its clearly because they see no need & have no true compulsion to change or deep feelings of remorse/shame for what they have done & are doing. And there in lies an essential core difference between victims or survivors as opposed to abusers.

    • AL says:

      I agree, this was very eye opening. For me it helps me fell not alone

  2. Great survey and website. You’re doing a great job. It’s a shame how many abusers simply get away with ruining lives.

    • Nina Shukin says:

      Aren’t abusers just “us” in another body. Aren’t the people being called abusers the ones who need the love the most? As much as I hate the the effects of the abuse, suffered at the hands of my mother and my brother, they too were victims of abuse and did not intentionally set out to “ruin my life”. My mother died of leukemia and my brother lives a life of constant pain. I don’t think either of them “got away with it”.

      • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

        The difference is they had a choice. An abuser always chooses to abuse, it isn’t forced upon them. A child has no choice or control.

        • Heather says:

          Thank you for saying that – my mom was abused (not sure about my dad) and I always tell myself that they were abused so they need my love too. It helped me cope as a child and as an adult woman I still tell myself that so that I can have a relationship with them. I am almost at the point where I say to myself you had a choice if you didn’t really mean it you wouldn’t still be behaving this way.

          • carmen says:

            I agree with these statements. I never knew my father was mentally ill and he had been abused as well. He never sought treatment for his mental illness, which lead to addiction. I suffer from mental illness, beyond what was inflicted upon me, and I have the anger issues my father did. I CHOSE to not have children. I vowed to myself the past would cease, here with me. I would rather give my life that ever have the chance to ruin a child. He had his choices (my step mother I am convinced was just crazy), I have mine. I chose right……sadly my father didn’t.

          • Anne-Marie says:

            Heather – I know exactly where you are coming from. I have always felt sure that the baby sitter and his brother who abused me were victims of abuse themselves (although I do not know that for sure!) and it has always helped me to cope. I do think that if abusers are themselves the victims of abuse then they deserve compassion – BUT – they have chosen to perpetuate that misery and to inflict it on someone else knowing the damage that it has caused them (even if to them that is ‘normal’); therefore I feel that they must accept responsibility and accountability for the abuse that they have inflicted on others.

          • Anne-Marie says:

            Carmen – I completely agree with you. Your father should have sought help and not inflicted his wounds on you, but that does not mean that you should not have children yourself if you want them. In the same way that he chose to perpetuate the cycle and to inflict further abuse on you, you can recognise that he was wrong and chose NOT to inflict further abuse on anyone else, including your own children if you decide that you want to have them. Just because you were abused, that does not mean that you will necessarily perpetuate the cycle – you can chose not to. Don’t let his weakness affect your choices if you want to have children of your own; just ensure that you are strong enough not to perpetuate the cycle and seek help if you feel you need it.

            Steve – likewise – don’t let your mum’s excuses prevent you from having children of your own if you want them – just ensure that you do not make the same excuses and abuse your own children or anyone else (child or adult – vulnerable adults can also be victims of abuse).

            Mystee – I also agree with you. How your father treated you was not excused by the abuse inflicted on him by his father. You cannot make him take responsibility but, if you chose to, you can make him face the consequences and you can ensure that you are stronger and never use the same excuse to inflict the pain of abuse on others. All the very best of luck if you choose to make him face the consequences of his abuse.

        • Leslie McAlavey says:

          That’s right. My mom says that she was abused and used it as an excuse for her emotional and psychological abuse of my dad, my sister and I.
          She has said that we weren’t raped like she was so nothing she did to us was that bad.
          She is mentally ill but refuses to get help or take responsibility. That’s what I’m angry about.

          • Mystee says:

            This is exactly it with my dad. Any time I try to talk with him about it, he won’t take responsibility for what he did to me and just always brings it back to how his dad abused him. It’s no excuse. It doesn’t make how he treated me ok.

          • Steve says:

            Thank you I totally agree my mom was abused as child but she let I continue through her kid ! I don’t have kids also

          • Anne-Marie says:

            Leslie – I think your mum deserves some compassion for the abuse that she suffered, but she had no right to go on to abuse you, your sister or your dad. She should accept responsibility and accountability for the abuse she has inflicted on you – it is not acceptable for her to use her own abuse as an excuse for abusing others. You have not gone on to abuse others and nor have thousands of other victims of abuse.

          • Julie says:

            My “mother” has been psychologically, emotionally and physically abusive my whole life, I’m 55 now. She says the same as your mum, that she was abused worse then you so I truly, truly feel not only your pain but your anger. She’s 83 now and as vile as ever, she had 4 kids and none of us speak to her as we can’t deal with her poison. Abusers don’t change, ever, but abused can and do survive to become decent, loving parents and break the cycle/legacy of the abuser. Wish I could help with your anger.

        • Dana says:

          abusers don’t always choose abuse. They are victims of the abuse that was perpetrated upon them, too. We do what was done to us, in most respects. Yes, adults bear the burden of responsibility to seek help for their abuses against others’; however, to say that abuse is a choice is not a thorough understanding of the nature of this dynamic and persistent disease that is destroying us. In the USA there is little to no help for adults who have found themselves suffering from the effects of their childhood abuse in ways that perpetrate the violence and harm to others’, such as their partners or children. If there was an abundance of help for adults to handle the effects of childhood abuse then perhaps we wouldn’t see so many children having the same fate. Now, it is never a child’s burden or responsibility to love their abuser despite the abuse; however, you victimize the victim when you say an adult who abuses “chooses abuse” because that is NOT correct.

          • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

            Abusers choosing to abuse is entirely CORRECT. To suggest otherwise shifts the blame. We are not a blameless society, and we shouldn’t be. You can always mitigate a perpetrator’s reason for abusing but it will always be their fault. They choose to continue the cycle of abuse…..no one forces them. Your opinion reflects a sad misconception; abuse is a disease but unlike physical diseases, the infected person CHOOSES to act on the disease and continue to abuse. To suggest otherwise is short-sighted and insulting to victims.

          • Rose says:

            I’m with Dana here. I don’t believe I’m being short sighted or insulting by saying I don’t think abusers consciously choose to abuse in all circumstances. That doesn’t mean to say they are blameless.

            My mother emotionally/psychologically abused us because she suffered from a severe mental illness. She had very limited awareness of our emotional needs. She didn’t make a conscious choice to emotionally abuse us. Her narcissism was/is part of her illness.

            As for my father, his father was a strict disciplinarian. My father once told me that he didn’t want children because he was scared of raising them how his father raised him and his sisters. My mother (in her more sane days) wanted children so they had three. One therapist described my father’s behaviour as violent and abusive. I just saw him as being strict, although he made our lives hell and it felt like we were walking on eggshells around him most times. I don’t think he knew how to be any other way.

            We need to educate children at school about what healthy relationships and boundaries look like as children don’t know any different if they dont have a point of reference. If a child’s physical needs are being met, it’s very difficult for teachers and other adults to notice if a child is being abused, especially as children can create complex coping strategies from a young age. To the outside world, nobody would be able to guess what goes on behind closed doors.

          • Mona says:

            Dana is correct in the U.S. if you sexual abuse your sister and you are age 11 and your sister is 6 you will most likely go to some type of juvenile detention center and be required to register for life as a sex offender ….may or may not get help for the point that you have been abused by your cousin for 4 years….then God forbid if your sister never says anything and as a 25 year old man with anger issues from the guilt of what you have done goes to seek help because the moment you seek help about what happen with your sister you are now put in the legal system by your shrink because you committed a crime against a child….so how does this man get help and honestly deal with the issues if he can not get honest help?

        • Anne-Marie says:

          HAVOCA – I completely agree that the abuser has chosen to abuse, it isn’t forced upon them whereas the abused child has no choice. But I do think that when the abuser has themselves been abused, we should show them some compassion. If they were so badly damaged by their abuse that they thought that was ‘normal’, then I feel that they deserve as much compassion as any other abuse victim – although I do feel that they should also accept responsibility and accountability for the damage that they have inflicted on the victims of their abuse.

        • Lisa Jenkins says:

          HAVOCA – Yes! The abusers made the decision to abuse others even if they themselves were abused. That’s on them. I was abused but I never abused anyone and my chi,drew were given much love and support. They knew they were wanted, loved, supported, needed, cherished and the joy of my life. It was my decision to seek counseling so my kids would not be harmed by the abuse that I suffered.

      • Vic says:

        When a person can relate to and/or justify the behavior, they themselves become a perpetrator. I was a victim, and it does not give me the right or a free pass to abuse another, EVER. A very slippery slope.

        • Anne-Marie says:

          I am completely in agreement with Dana, Rose and Vic and I think I agree with Mona, although I struggle to follow some of the train of thought.

          HAVOCA, I appreciate your argument that all abusers should accept the consequences of the abuse they have inflicted on others, but I do think that if they themselves have been damaged by abuse that they deserve some compassion and understanding that their idea of normality has been warped by their abnormal experience of normal. I find it hard to accept that most ‘normal’ people with a ‘normal’ experience would knowingly ‘chose’ to abuse others. I do think that there should be some mitigation where abusers have abused others due to mental illness or where their idea of ‘normal’ has been warped by their experience. That does not mean that I believe that they should not have to face up to the consequences of their abuse and I would advocate that, wherever possible, they should be encouraged to take responsibility for their ‘choices’ and demonstrate acceptance and repentance. I completely agree with your comment about somehow de-stigmatising abuse to enable abusers to come forward to seek treatment to prevent them further abusing.

          Bill – I cannot believe that abused victimised who go on to perpetuate their abuse by abusing others do not deserve as much compassion as any other victim for what was inflicted on them. That does not mean that I believe that they should not have to face the consequences of what they have inflicted on others.

          Ajaydove – I completely understand why you feel insulted by the abused-abuser theory because you have managed to rise above the cycle of abuse, but I do think that some people are so damaged by the abuse they have suffered that they think it is normal.

          Emma Carr – I completely agree that it is despicable that so many abusers are ‘getting away with abuse’ while the effects of that abuse lasts a lifetime for their victims.

          Andrew Middlemiss Nicola and Laurel – I completely understand that you feel catharsis seeing the results of the survey. You can seek support. I found it most cathartic to actually talk to other ‘survivors’.

          Jerry and Steve – you are inspirational!

          As are you Beth, Rob and Amy. Beth you do always have recourse to legal redress. It is sad that neither you nor your doctor could get through to your brother; but you could bring charges upon him. I hope that you feel as empowered as Amy by at least confronting him with your feelings and Rob I hope that you find peace at last.

      • Bill says:

        STFU, abusers deserve to die. Who the heck comes onto a place like this and talks about sorrow, pity, and help for the ABUSERS. What the F@#k is wrong with you?

        • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

          Whilst I share your anger, I can also see that there might be a case for de-stigmatising abuse (somehow) to allow abusers to come forward to seek treatment. I wonder if my abuser had received treatment whether he would have then gone on to abuse me. That must apply to thousands of victims the world over.

      • ajaydove says:

        NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
        I was abused as a child. That abused abuser theory is totally groundless. I consider it the ultimate insult that people like you and me could possible respond by doing the same thing to somebody else..

      • Anne-Marie says:

        I totally agree you with you Nina. I hope that you have had support.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      I totally agree with you Victoria.

  3. Isabelle Jones says:

    Thank you for helping people realize that this is a real thing and is very severe.

  4. I didn’t realise when doing the survey that aid see the ongoing results . In itself that’s a great help, just to know that there were others, it stops me feeling alone . Great help! Many thanks.

  5. Emma Carr says:

    After seeing the results of so many people, it has shed new light on the fact that there is so many people (women ) suffered abuse and it is awful to think so many abusers have just got away with it while us the victims are still suffering x

  6. Gill says:

    If the survey is over why is it still on your site – I have just spent time filling it in and it won’t send! This is really frustrating!

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry you are having difficulty. The survey is still running and does appear to be working at this end. Please could you take the time to contact us with your method of entry (ie computer, tablet, phone, etc.) operating system (ie windows, apple, andriod etc) and type of error you are experiencing. Thanks for your patience.

  7. Nicola says:

    OMG. I had absolutely NO IDEA that there were people out there trying to cope – years later – EXACTLY the same as me, who had experienced EXACTLY the same as me….I don’t feel so alone any more. Looking at the results, I just keep nodding in sheer amazement. And horror, of course.

    • Mystee says:

      My dad told me just today “it’s been 25 years, just get over it!” As if time alone makes abuse suddenly not hurt anymore. I too needed to see that there are others still struggling years into adulthood.

      • Beth B says:

        I am getting ready to confront my brother via letter how what he did to me over 50 years ago is affecting me now and I can only imagine that would be his reply, also. He is a Dr and doesn’t even know what clinical depression is! Had a family mtg with my Dr and him during one of my recent hospitalizations(before the issue re-arose) just to try to get him to understand what it felt like to be severely depressed; brought up the fact that before that admission I had written a suicide note, and HE JUST SAT THERE,NO CHANGE OF EXPRESSION, said NOTHING! Not even I’m sorry you’re going through this and are going through so much pain. Even my Dr, who spoke with him one on one Dr to Dr after I left the room said, “there’s just no getting through to him!”.

        • Amy says:

          Beth, I can relate to the pain of confronting your abuser only to have them deny everything, and continue to treat you as if your feelings mean nothing to them. Refusing to even admit to what we already know is true, and withholding from us the ability to heal and move on. For me this was the final act of cruelty that caused me to choose myself, expose his actions to my mother and sister, and make the decision never to talk to my father again. Although the end result was not what I hoped for, it helped me to feel empowered, which created a shift for me. I am no longer his victim, I’m a survivor and continue to work toward healing.

    • Steve says:

      I can relate to the posts also

  8. Catherine Beck says:

    Yes … looking at the results is both comforting and horrifying. What a world we live in. So many lives shattered. Thank you for all you are doing.

  9. Yvonne says:

    It’ good to know that the power of so many positive people can reach out and connect .That they recognise some of the problems that happen to them , That the courage people so many people can show to heal and be able to take part in the world with more possitive results in their daily interactions.

  10. Laurel says:

    Thank you. It just means to much to know that someone cares. You really have no idea how much this means to me.

  11. jerry says:

    In my life one of my goals was for my kids to have life better than i had it.I did that and I hope now I can have enuff time to take care of myself.the hardest thing for me to read in this was the age of the children abused.At that age of 5 you dont remember what it feels like to be ok with yourself when you are an adult. I am just now learning what it feels like to love your friends as friends and trust them with my thoughts and emotions.my abuser was a male,I was at the time it started a 5 year old male.My best friends now are females,and i feel very secure with being open with my thoughts and emotions with them .The best thing i did for myself was to open up with a friend that i have known for most of my adult life,after i told her she than told me she was abused by her brother when she was eleven.We now help each other

  12. Dagmara says:

    It’s comforting to see that I’m not the only one who used different therapy help throughout my life with little effect. I won’t blame myself for it anymore. It’s shocking so many of us are single or in abusive relationships when we need love, safety and warmth so much. All I hear is to forgive my abusers and move on. It’s not that simple. It’s not merely about forgiveness. It’s the fear you feel around them, the places from your childhood you can’t cope with. My abusers want me to believe I had a wonderful childhood. Now I have a decision to make whether I want any slightest contact with them. I tried to limit it as much as I could, but the truth is – the less contact I have with them the better I feel. I don’t want to blame myself for feeling that way. I want to heal myself and be strong, and happy. I want a choice of a life filled with joy and love. I deserve it!

  13. Steve B says:

    A very eye opening set of results. I am now 45 and was abused physically etc as far back as I can remember until I was big enough to stand up for myself. My abuser was an alcoholic mother you has now died from the same. My one regret is never getting the answer to the question ‘Why?’. I still suffer the aftermath now but take pride in the 2 fantastic children I have from my 1st wife. They will never know the pain I did and if I had the power to do so no child ever would.

  14. Carrie says:

    Thank you. It’s only through organisations like this, reaching out to people like me, that light is shed on the seriousness of abuse.

  15. HayleyG1988 says:

    I to think it was a great survey , its a real shock to how so many people were also abused by both parents and a lot of them got away with it even when reported. thanks for posting this survey .

  16. Alison says:

    A very informative survey but so sickening to see how many people have been abused.

  17. Rob MacDonald says:

    I have only just spoken to my psychiatrist about the physical and emotional abuse I suffered as a child. I’m 54 years old,male and wasted my life. I wish I’d confided in my doctors sooner,but I guess it’s a case of better late than never. I’m about to start psychotherapy after being referred by my psychiatrist. Long term depression and anxiety, hoping some of this can be eased.Fingers crossed.

  18. Kathie Hertz says:

    Rob, I can TOTALY relate! I am a 54 year female who has suffered for so many years with this. I can see how not dealing with this sooner created SO many of the bad decisions I have made and still making in my life! Looking for relief from anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate, have self control,etc. Wishing you much success.

  19. Mosa Moremi says:

    Great survey indeed. The only problem is that very few people from Africa participated. One would be interested in knowing what the attitude in Africa is regarding dealing with abuse either by others as well as the abused.I notice that whatever intervention that happened was not effective in about a third of cases who scored the impact less than three. Is it because the intervention was not effective or is it because scars don’t heal easily? I believe in the second reason. Psychological scars resurface in most cases, therefore the support must be continuous.

  20. Mickie says:

    I never acknowledged that I was abused until very recently. I knew, but I didn’t want to think about it. It was too painful. The worst part of not coming to terms with abuse, is that you are more likely to be abusive. I took out my rage on my wonderful daughter. Yes, I did have a choice. However, I never knew when my rage would flare. I didn’t understand why I was acting like that and tried to justify my behavior. I didn’t beat my daughter. She wasn’t sexually abused. But I caused her emotional and psychological pain that she is dealing with now. I am a nice person. I love my daughter. I just wish that I could have understood why I was so angry and depressed and had gotten help when I was younger. I have talked to my daughter about it. I told her that I was abused and said that I abused her too. I want her to get the help that she needs to heal. I wish that I could have been a better mother, but I can’t change the past.

  21. Tricia says:

    I’m just getting familiar with the site, but it seems like it is likely a very good source of support. I know I need to be in contact with and understood/accepted by a supportive group. It’s intuitive to me that that is the foundation for surviving/healing/thriving, at least for me. Support options seem extremely limited where I live, and even on the Internet good ones have been difficult to find or evaluate without money. I’ve basically been stuck in trauma for at least two years, and derailed by triggers/anxiety/Panic attacks (PTSD), depression, and continued manipulation/harassment, most of life.
    The survey results are very sad that the 20th century was so full of abuse, yet kind of consoling to know there are many who can relate.

  22. S says:

    I was abused as a child by a neighbour & left my hometown to live on my own at 16. Now I feel guilty! Not because of what he did to me, but because I wish that I had reported him all that time ago & maybe saved other victims.
    I just hope he got his cummuppence!

  23. Catherine Beaumont says:

    Very interesting to see so many adult survivors and the lack of belief from police and the disgusting lack of justice for victims. Very sad to think not much has changed and yet we are at the the end of 2016.

  24. Jen says:

    Thank you for the chance to participate and share my experience. I am 50 now and only just beginning to try to come to terms with being abused. I had no idea there are so many out there and many near to my age. I and have always felt as though nobody understands me and that I am different. I am so frustrated that my life has been wasted because of a few sick individuals.

  25. Serpentine Dove says:

    I am 61 years old and earlier this week a situation triggered everything all over again. Thank you for the website, the opportunity to fill out this survey, and for posting the results which show that, sadly, I am not alone. I have not felt this vulnerable sine 1995 when I was hospitalized for depression. I HATE feeling fragile. I want to heal.

  26. Della says:

    I’m aware of how many women and men are abused. I don’t think I knew how common we felt about it. I thought I was a freak for not being sure how to separate what was common to living life or a result of 5 years of being molested. I still don’t, but at least that is normal, to not know. I wish you all hope and supportive love. I don’t pity the abusers. My soul fills with venom. Struggle children, but live, please, I need your hope. 49 Female as I write this, and 5-9 years as I read you all.

  27. joy says:

    Im saddened to see the conviction percent and compensation … im saddened to see how many put not applicable as answer for court… because no one believed them. ..I’m really sad. Im sorry the system has made it so EASY for this to happen to kids… I can only inagine the sick twisted smiles on these predators knowing these stats… please don’t let them get into the wrong hands.

    The entire stats just made me feel sad.. I’m really angry that media has painted a picture if sexual predators being previous victims of it.. sending a message that we will do the same it adds further to the stigma to sexual abuse. Its like they want to shut us up.. mute our cries.. I loveee kids I can’t wait to be a mother but now I feel judged when I play and gush with kids. I feel like people are wary as they know I have been abused. .. For the record I will NEVER put any child through that torment.

    Im tired of people saying if I was x y z I would never have sex or even think about. Unfortunately its a bit more complicated than that. Its the need for stimulation but complete disgust and shame after. I think people need to be educated…not just victims. Educate people. .

    Thank u for the survey. .. please put What Kind of Abuse check box beside Description of abuser. … it wil help you learn more and help me as a survivor see the stats too…

  28. kara ford says:

    I am a dealing with trying to gain my life back being sexually abused & raped as a very young child was not believed until last year when as a single mum with 3 daughter’s caught 1 of them acting sexually I contacted nspcc & mentioned my childhood stuff & suddenly the police brought the uncle how raped me to justice he got 18 years thought at last I suffer with personality disorder of emotional state to which social services now will not return my children back to me unless I get therapy 1 year on still fighting which makes me a victim again

  29. Baiana1 says:

    Very easy to continue the abuse cycle indeed. But once I realized what I was doing to my young child, I told my psychologist , who in turn got me into a group therapy. That was the end of it, he was only four. My daughter has never been abused. I ended the cycle. But I’m still trying to work on the molestation I suffered as a child. I’ve been through many programs and therapy throughout my life, but I’ve never worked on the molestation issue. I’ve worked on physical abuse, domestic violence, and codependency. I’m 56 years old, and I have never had a healthy romantic relationship.

  30. melissa wild says:

    I just recently entered into therapy again (for the 5th time total, 2nd time as an adult) and I’m trying to fully comprehend my diagnosis of being depressed and extremely anxious as a result of childhood abuse/neglect. Taking this survey ended up being somewhat therapeutic for me, allowing me to identify (rightfully so) as an abused child, and thoughtfully consider my responses to the questions, even though I’ve never seen myself as a victim of abuse.

  31. I’m curious as to if other fellow survivors of abuse would like programs implemented through a public entity like the library (in conjunction with a social service geared towards abuse like domestic violence shelters) such as reading groups, a public forum to discuss the different types of abuse (mostly the more misunderstood ones like psychological or narcissistic abuse), or even just simply displays of reading material that alludes to child abuse. Growing up, reading was often my escape (that and dissociation, though I CHOSE the reading), and I felt empowered as I got older through knowledge of what was happening to me. I previously had tried to change my dysfunctional, abusive family through trying to get help and was unfortunately attacked quite literally and mobbed. But I’ve seen a complete disdain in society toward victims of abuse, either because they can’t handle the ugliness of what we’ve been through or because they automatically see us as wanting attention. I believe certain less obvious abuses should be discussed publicly and have the stigma taken from them, that our experiences should be validated. I’m currently getting my masters in library science and honestly want to use my position as a librarian to open up that conversation in public and be an advocate to other survivors of abuse.

  32. Debra Carr says:

    I am ready to heal, I finally accept that my past severely affects my loved ones.

  33. Dancinqueen76 says:

    You need to take this survey with a pinch of salt because there were a few questions that i had to put no to and there could have been a N/A answer. If i found this then i’m sure others would have found this.

  34. Michael says:

    Thanks. I was over 40 when I realized the my abuse was part of my problems in relationships and in general.

  35. Liz says:

    I find it’s incredibly emotional just reading some of these comments. Obviously everyone deals with these issues in different ways, however I do struggle with the sympathy for the abuser idea. I have found out very late in life through therapy that for me being abused did not turn me into an abuser, but instead created a victim. This then meant that I continued to be abused until I was approximately 40 years old, by various people in my life. But as this was the only behaviour I had ever known I never really questioned that it was wrong even though I knew that it hurt me.
    I was sexually abused in the 1970’s which unfortunately was a time where although my abuser eventually got sent to prison, there was absolutely no support for the victims – I was simply told never to speak about it again. But as mentioned earlier these things do not just “go away” and I entered into some horrifically abusive relationships as an adult. Interestingly my family then decided that this was also “my fault” and that I was somehow failing everyone. It wasn’t until I finally entered into therapy at a point in my life where I could afford it, that I finally strayed to grasp the idea that maybe it was ME that was the victim & that I was perhaps not a useless annoyance to all around me – although even after nearly 10 years of therapy I’m not sure that I will ever truly believe in myself.
    These issues need to be addressed at the time & so much support needs to be there for the victims – I can still vividly remember the Policeman (and it was a MAN!) sitting in our dining room lecturing me on how much trouble I would be in if I was found to be lying & trying to get a respected member of the community in trouble. I was 9 years old & didn’t actually know what had happened to me other than it was horrifying – how could I have lied about being raped when I didn’t even know what that was!!!! This must have been obvious from my statement??
    I just pray that things have changed for any child who has to go through anything like this nowadays😥

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