Information for Survivors

Information for Survivors

‘Will I ever be better?’, ‘How do I become a Thriver?’, ‘How do I get over this?‘………………..there are no simple answers but HAVOCA believes every survivor has the right to become a Thriver.

From Victim to Survivor to Thriver




Doesn’t deserve nice things or trying for the “good life.” Struggling for reasons & chance to heal Gratitude for everything in life.
Low self esteem/shame/unworthy Sees self as wounded & healing Sees self as an overflowing miracle
Hyper vigilant Using tools to learn to relax Gratitude for new life
Alone Seeking help Oneness
Feels Selfish Deserves to seek help Proud of Healthy Self caring
Damaged Naming what happened Was wounded & now healing
Confusion & numbness Learning to grieve, grieving past aggrieved trauma Grieving at current losses
Overwhelmed by past Naming & grieving what happened Living in the present
Hopeless Hopeful Faith in self & life
Uses outer world to hide from self Stays with emotional pain Understands that emotional pain will pass & brings new insights
Hides their story Not afraid to tell their story to safe people. Beyond telling their story, but always aware they have created their own healing with HP
Believes everyone else is better, stronger, less damaged Comes out of hiding to hear others & have compassion for them & eventually self Lives with an open heart for self & others
Often wounded by unsafe others Learning how to protect self by share, check, share Protects self from unsafe others
Places own needs last Learning healthy needs (See Healing the Child Within & Gift to Myself) Places self first realizing that is the only way to function & eventually help others
Creates one drama after another See patterns Creates peace
Believes suffering is the human condition Feeling some relief, knows they need to continue in recovery Finds joy in peace
Serious all the time Beginning to laugh Seeing the humour in life
Uses inappropriate humour, including teasing Feels associated painful feelings instead Uses healthy humour
Uncomfortable, numb or angry around toxic people Increasing awareness of pain & dynamics Healthy boundaries around toxic people, incl. relatives
Lives in the past Aware of patterns Lives in the Now
Angry at religion Understanding the difference between religion & personal spirituality Enjoys personal relationship with the God of their understanding
Suspicious of therapists– projects Sees therapist as guide during projections Sees reality as their projection & owns it.
Needs people & chemicals to believe they are all right Glimpses of self-acceptance & fun without others Feels authentic & connected, Whole
“Depression” Movement of feelings Aliveness

©Barbara Whitfield 2003

HAVOCA’s ethos, ‘Every Survivor has the right to become a Thriver’, isn’t supposed to dictate a route for your journey, it isn’t even supposed to inspire you on that voyage.  The phrase simply gives you the right to be what ever you like, when ever you want to be it. There are no time limits or milestones to achieve on the healing path.  Each day can be taken one step at a time; no one will criticise or comment if you stand still for a while, you can even look back if you like. Your journey is ‘yours’ and yours alone, however, here at HAVOCA, as you take each step, we’ll be here right behind you.

There is a wealth of information for survivors available on the internet but it does tend to be rather difficult to find. Since starting HAVOCA in 2001 we have tried desperately to locate useful, recovery related, material and locate it all in one place. Where possible we have included the copyright information and/or a link back to the source material. If no copyright exists the information was either written by HAVOCA and/or publicly available.

Try not to be overwhelmed by the shear amount of detail. Recovery should happen at your pace and it shouldn’t be dictated by lists and menus. The information for survivors has been ordered alphabetically so it is easier to find; the order does not bear any resemblance to the importance that subject has. Every survivor’s recovery is different and therefore the way you use this website will also vary. Just do what feels right, copy and print what seems pertinent or simply bookmark useful areas within your browser.


93 Responses to Information for Survivors

  1. Vanessa says:

    I am in counciling …but is there any groups in Phoenix Az
    sometimes I just need to talk to someone …when something gets triggered….and I feel overwhelmed

  2. Moni says:

    I wondered if if is possible to complain about the treatment I received as a child, now I am a adult?

  3. Kimberly, 4-18+ says:

    Well, at this stage in my life, I would at least like to bring myself into the survivor role! I guess I REALLY need help with that. How do I stop treating myself like the worst possible human being, who doesn’t deserve to get better? I’m in therapy, for the 2nd time in my life. I guess I thought that by sharing details of my abuse, I would be able to move on to healing, but I didn’t say it, I wrote it. Believe me, it took all the strength in my body to give it to her! But, now I’m so embarrassed and ashamed, I can’t even look her in the eyes! I really need some help!

    • Fellow survivor says:

      Kimberly, I was told that moving on doesn’t need to involve the abuser unless you WANT that person in your life and sometimes it’s better for your to separate yourself from the abuser.

      Sharing your story with the abuser is very rarely helpful unless they too are in the stages of recovery and rarely are they on the same page or state as you are. That’s okay.

      Healing comes from within yourself and from your higher power, who I believe is God. You bare no shame, guilt, or embarrassment for sharing your story. Be proud you were strong enough to face it head on! I wish you much success in your journey healing.

  4. Paula says:

    I am a 56 year old woman who has just started the process of healing from extreme physical and emotional abuse as a child. I have tried to move through my adult life without any support or help believing everything my mother did and said to me I deserved. But I kept repeating things in my adult life that I know were a direct result of my childhood and all I wanted to do was end my life. I finally sought help when the urge to end my life was so overwhelming it scared me. I’m only in the beginning stages of therapy, which is helping me see things in a different light. Seeing the victim – survivor – thriver feelings chart above, I realize that I am still in the victim stage and look forward to the time I can be in the thriver stage.

    • Pauline B says:

      How weird. My name is Pauline and I am 56 and joined the Havoca
      yesterday. Its encouraging to know Im not alone. I have had feelings of not wanting to live really live at last before its too late. I’ ve worn myself out struggling to cope and ” get on with it” but “it” isnt enough any more. good luck becoming a thriver. You deserve it .

    • kenny young says:

      Hi Paula
      Ive just read youre post and i know its from 5 years ago, i pray that you are now ok with yourself, i had a similar upbringing my dad was my abuser im now 60 years old but its still a demon in my mind. My best thoughts and love to you

  5. Cindy says:

    Im 53 yrs old. I ruined my marriage, my family. I was a throwaway child. I was told i was a mistake. I grew up in foster homes. My parents were haroine addicts. Now im alone. Why was I born to suffer????

    • HAVOCA says:

      I don’t have that view. I don’t believe in faith and I don’t think other people can make you feel a certain way. Only you have control over the way you feel. That may sound harsh, even cold. And I don’t deny that some people do endure more suffering than others.

      In reality each situation is different and yet there are patterns that point us in certain directions or lead us to take certain actions. Abusive or dysfunctional families display similar patterns. Some professionals call it the ‘cycle of abuse‘. It can be broken.

    • Fellow survivor says:

      Cindy, I am 50 years old and was abused by my mother until just 2 weeks ago. I have chosen to walk away. I have done it before and should have left it that way; but wanted my family back in my life. Unfortunately, my abuser needs help. I have received help many times. I am getting ready to see a new counselor due to some new events that triggered memories of some old events.

      What I want you to know is that you were not born to suffer. You were wonderfully and fearfully made. You are loved by your creator and you deserve better than what you have experienced. Start thinking of yourself as someone who deserves better and it will help to head you in a new direction. Get some counseling, it really does help. And remember that you are not a parking ticket looking for validation! Love yourself and if someone else comes along whom you feel you trust to love you too, great. If not, you deserve to love yourself and set healthy boundaries for your life so you don’t life the 2nd half of your life in pain! (((Hugs))) And remember the only person’s confirmation you need is your own!!!

      • Sharon says:

        Geez I’m 51 and my mum abuses me every time I see her…. manages to always pin the blame on me … I asked why din she have an abortion 51?years ago …she can’t answer it…. I hate the woman…I’ve tried so hard (not to get on with her) but to stomach her with the knowledge of what she did to me fir years…. I need answers but no one helps… closed door effect !!!!

    • Josi says:

      I was a throwaway child too… Was only there so the religious nut cases in lived with could add onto their house and letter sell it for profit…. Didn’t even bother to buy me shoes that fit or clothes that weren’t torn. My parents were dead by 9 and 11… I’m sorry, and I know how you feel because I lay awake crying myself to,sleep most nights wondering why I wasn’t worthy of being loved.

    • Jane Shuker says:

      I understand, I thought I’d got away from the system, ie special school for abuse, part of psychology, just didn’t know it would haunt my furture, otherwise I would of gone on sick at 16, unfortunately I tried to change what they had caused, unfortunately they planned my life for me as it was set up to fail, so you end up back in there system, I just saved to fund the hell they have put me through, to cover up what they have done, they plan to use psycho surgery, severe brain damage, and personality changes, so you end up in a care home until your dead, unfortunately iam interigent, just like I started off In life, with a birth injury for the follow through, just like I grew up on my own, that Is the reason the ministry of defence lasers unfortunately you Carnot prove it, just like the last sevteen urars of hell the authorities have caused, when damaging property was caused by them, ie as a child, I am from a middle class family, they just don’t like my views, but then they never asked, unfortunately stereotypeing behaviour caused all this, now they plan to cover it all up, just like they are using my family as a reason to do this , faulty and not before 1996, is out out of order, hence mentally ill, all my life, court of protection is a fraud racket, then so is MAPPA who pushed my ex I into this, so they can cover up what like, unfortunately no justice, just ignorance

  6. Amen says:

    This is a very big issue. I try all my best to become right, have women of wish i can love, give all myself to her, have a family and be happy. But is difficult- I just give up …I dont know what to do.

  7. Amen says:

    I suffered lots when were child. Lost myself, i dont do bad to people; i love children, many times i feel that i am nothing in this world.

    My dream is … I want friendship that leads to serious relation or even more serious to marriage if it will be the case, I want a
    soulmate, a “partner in crime”, a soul mate,
    a lover, a person i can trust and rely
    on, someone who i can say whats on
    my mind to and know that they will
    listen and understand even when i’m
    wrong, someone who loves me for
    me and knows that i love her and for only her… BUT HOW TO FIND IT WITH MY CHILDHOOD KNOCKING MY HEAD ALL THE TIME? SOMEONE CAN HELP ME?

    • browneyedgirl333 says:

      Hi i just joined today i know exactly how you feel. I am 39 years old and want those same things but i find it extremely difficult in trusting anyone so instead i just isolate myself. I hope this forum helps, I am also in therapy and see a psychiatrist I do believe we both have a long way ahead of us but dont give up….not now…

      • Kelly weston says:

        I witnessed my mums murder and I tried to stop the bleeding with a cloth but she died in ambulance I was five I then became the damaged one and threw away in foster and homes where I was welcomed with older boy raping me and had to live there with him for years then was in a ten year domestic abuse situ for ten years I could go on but I’ve just joined to look for support

  8. Preston Fralick says:

    I am a 46 year old man.I was a victim of great physical abuse. It involved multiple punchesto the head , beer bottles, severe naked whippings, misc. Treatments shoving face in feces, kicking in shin, shot with bb gun . The list goes on. Iran away at twelve spent the next three yrs. Incarcerated. Soon after release the abuse started punch to head kick in private. So Iran away dropped High School and struggled to this day in life. I want justice . I never was given a chance to succeed in life.

  9. Nan says:

    I am a 48 year old women who was raped at the ages of 5 and 16.the first was my mother’s best friends 21yo son.back in the 70s people proffered to sweep it under the rug and forget about a teen I was lost and very confused and was again raped by a different man.I was promiscuous and was trying to be loved.since then I have been lost, abusive marriage and after an abusive relationship with another man.I don’t seem to do relationships well have major trust issues and feelings of abandonment. I have had trouble with drugs and alcohol in the past and just don’t know where to turn anymore.people always leave’s weird because I love animals and children and don’t understand why no one will love me.I have a lot of love in me so I just don’t understand.I could write a book with all the bad stuff that happens to me.I choose isolation rather then being around people I don’t know.I’ve grown bitter in my older years and am afraid that I will never find happiness for myself.

  10. David Smith says:

    I was abused throughout my childhood, I am 50 years old. I understand trying to cope and finally falling into depression. Finding it preferable to be alone, having trouble trusting people….. All the symptoms of years of abuse.

    I finally found some peace when I realized that I was giving that situation power to control my life. I also realized the power in acceptance and learning to be content. When you learn to accept yourself as who and what you are, then the healing begins in earnest!

    When you realize that you are the source of your happiness, and that you are in control of what you feel, then you are free. We give weight to others words when they are weightless. We choose to give power to others opinions and accept them as our own to the detriment of our well being. We do these things to gain the acceptance of others, when the only acceptance that matters is self acceptance.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thank you for your uplifting comment. It reminds me of the quote ‘nobody can make you feel anything’. Of course, to a degree they are right. We take responsibility for our own feelings and have the power to change what does and doesn’t affect us.

  11. queenofsheeba says:

    I’m new here, and no idea how to work this lol. So apologies if I’m in the wrong place, I’m not even sure if I am ment to be here…..iv started councilling, and she’s pretty sure there has been some kind of sexual inappropriate situations in my childhood from my mothers side. She is very over sexual….I was always seeing her naked, she even plucked her pubes I’m front of me. I remember her and my dad having sex in the bed when I was there once. And I found stacks and stacks of videos when I was in my early teens of my mother having sex with other men in our living room….my dad was filming it. My dad them paid me to keep my mouth shut about it and not tell my mum. But tell me, is this noncontact sexual abuse or I’m I just being over sensitive? Sorry again if I’m in the wrong place X

  12. M says:

    i am told it wasnt my fault, yet i blame myself? 3 different people. 3 seperate times in my life. I must have done something.I have children and am terrified something like this may happent to them.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Its understandable but what have you done about fixing the hurt inside? Have you seen a professional or started to heal yourself? Without help, the pain will find it hard to leave.

    • Gladtobe says:

      I too was abused by a relative as a child and have just got on with live. I was overly promiscuous as a teenager and was then abused by a different man at 16 and taken advantage of at 23. I gave a son now and worry so much about the same happening to me and wondering what I can do to avoid it

  13. Healing4me says:

    I am 68 years old and am new on here, too. I find it hard to say out loud, however I was raped as a teenager by one of my father’s employees, while I was babysitting. This went on for awhile until I finally got the courage to stop babysitting their kids. My father and mother both passed away without ever knowing. And I also had a very chaotic childhood at home.

    Then I went on to promiscuous behaviour, got married three times to abusive men and stuffed everything down for a long, long time. I did go to Al-Anon while married to an alcoholic and it helped greatly at the time. Any relationship I had was not good.
    I isolate myself so I don’t get hurt anymore, but in that I’m hurting myself. I feel lonely and not worthy. I never had kids and my siblings and I are not close. I live with my dog and cat and they have to listen to my outbursts. Not fair to them.

    I am retired, however have been experiencing extreme outbursts of uncontrollable anger and frustration for the past three or so years and am depressed and sad most of the time. I’m thinking I had to control myself my whole working life and maybe that’s why I’m exploding now. Last week I finally went to a counselling center for an intake interview and then found this group online.

    The more I read on this site the more I see what is going on with me. I am hopeful that with the counselling and help on here that I will be on the road to recovery. I really do want to start enjoying my retirement and experiencing some joy and peace in my life.

    Thank you for listening.

  14. Susan says:

    I was abused for years by a family friend but my foster mother never believed me.before then i suffered severe internal damage from my birth father which led to me being taken away.i was lucky to be able to have children but my ex husband sexually abused our eldest daughter who has now severed contact with me.i am now with a wonderful man but sometimes i think i don’t deserve to be happy and try to push him away.i have never had counselling-afraid if i start crying i will never stop.

  15. liberty says:

    I was sexually abused and beaten as a child by my mother and stepfather, I went to the police as a child and was laughed at and abused by them. My stepfather went on to abuse my four sisters of which two had children by him.i went to the police a second time when my 12 year old sister had his child again they ignored me. just over two years ago I went back to the police this time they listened and eventually it came too trial, he got 24 years and she got 8 took me 47 years to get justice. I had no support through the trial and still have none. I need help but my gp said I should be over it at my age. How can I get help to move on .

    • HAVOCA says:

      PLease accept my apologies for your GPs complete lack of understanding and compassion. If you would like to contact us with their contact details we would be happy to educate them on your behalf. Survivors dont ‘get over it’. You have every right to seek healing and to experience a fuller, pain free life, in much the same way any patient has the right to heal. I would suggest requesting a GP change and demanding counselling for your situation. You might find reading this article on ‘moving on‘ useful.

    • Gaynell says:

      Liberty, I am sincerely sorry for your experiences. It hurts me so much when I see a child have his childhood torn away so they can become adult children. There are people who will listen to your story and believe you. Finding a good therapist is like finding gold. I wish you the best. I hope you find peace. Thank you for having the courage to tell your story.

  16. laurie says:

    I am 51 and was abused by my father for over ten years on a weekly basis. I have at times in my life thought I was over it but as I get older I see that I’m not. I have had problems with alcohol, drugs, low self esteem and do not trust anyone especially men. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I am currently in a relationship that I am ruining due to my total lack of trust and low self esteem. I feel so lost anymore.

    • HAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry you find yourself in this position. There are lots of things you can do. There is hope. This website contains thousands of pages that guide you through the steps and there is an online forum for people like yourself who want to reach out for support.

  17. Lessie Hardley says:

    I am glad that I found yourwebsite. I am 70yrs old and I was abuse by my mother. Mentally and physically.I had to learn to cook before I was 8 yr old. An at age 11get a severe beating for nothingfor the next 5 year Ii get beatings with switches andthen she beat me unmerciifully with extension cord until I was bleeding Iwould her beg”Mommy please please. I woul hear my younger sister begging her to stop.My motthr hated me most of my live. She toldme to et out of her house oneSunday moring I was 17yrs

  18. Anamaria says:

    Hello everyone. I am 38. I am sorry to find so many people are abused from birth to end of their lives. I am one of those too. My worst enemy has been my own family: mother, father and brother. I have left the country at 25 so they would not be able to reach me. I am very spiritual which helped me in staying positive and not attempting suicide despite the lack of interest in ‘life on planet Earth’. Till age 32 I couldn’t talk about my sexual abuse to anyone. My husband though is an amazing person and help me feel safe for the first time ever. I told him everything I remembered and he forced a confrontation with my father. It was horrible since he’s reaction was that of a psychopath. I cried and my soul bled in front of him, yet nothing. However, a week or 2 after that I started to feel sorry for him understanding how sick he really is. I forgave him and it would seem something huge blockage has been shifted. I have forgiven my mother and brother too but there is no way they could ever acknowledge their mistakes. I feel pain in my whole body but I no longer feel I deserve to die , or that I am stupid and ugly. My anger has left me and I see that I am very blessed person, having survived my family and yet have the power to fight to break negative patterns and reach towards happiness. I even wear pink clothes now!!!!!! (You may smile now, but black or dark blue was my camouflage ) I say NO to abusive people and relationships. BUT there’s still something deep inside I cannot shift. A couple of days ago I have read one cannot heal alone. I NEED HELP. PLEASE GUIDE ME to find a therapist. I live in Slovakia and I do not speak the language here. People here don’t speak English neither.

    My heart goes out to you all and prays that you heal. Anyone who wants to talk more, please write to me.

    • HAVOCA says:

      I’m very sorry but we don’t have any details of therapists in your area. Perhaps you’d like to join our forums and seek support that way?

    • Renee Rose says:

      Hi Anamaria
      I am new to the site and reading through post. Our pasts are very similar. I would love to email and share stories. I think we can be of support to one another. I have forgiven completely, but have so many issues and currently dealing with the repercussions of recently telling my husband of 14 years. My email is

  19. Susan Behnke says:

    I have worked for 56 years to deal with the pain and consequences of early childhood emotional and sexual abuse, and extreme neglect by my parents. I have made progress. But as I grow and develop needed skills, achieve periods of remission from depression, I always encounter another time of difficulties which revive the old feelings and difficulties, which I must then step back and work through again. I’m 62 now and I’m so tired. I’m considering the conclusion that all the effort and pain have not been worth whatever benefits I’ve gained – which always seem temporary. I am ready to give up – which is unlike me, but enough is enough. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist and they are good – but I just don’t want to continue working so hard and feeling I’ve gained so little. Any advice?

    • HAVOCA says:

      Working through trauma and the experience of doing so can be related to working on an over grown garden. It starts off a complete mess, given time and hard work you slowly kill back all the weeds, provide some structure and landscape the space into a beautiful oasis. However, if you let the work slip, the maintenance stop or just neglect a small part, the garden can start to be consumed by weeds again. Healing is the same, its a constant requirement. Hence why it is often referred to as a journey.

      I’m sorry that its hard work. You didn’t deserve the things that happened to you. You might like to join our forums so that you can seek support from other survivors who are experiencing exactly the same thing.

  20. Colleen Bruce says:

    I have read a great book of survival, recovery and hope of an adult survivor of abuse, multi-generational mental illness and addictions. It gave me a great sense of peace with the reality of accountability as an adult on my part, so I don’t pass on in any form what has happened to me.

    • Kathryn LaTrace says:

      Hello Colleen. Would you please tell me the name of the book? It sounds like it would be very beneficial to me also. Thank you.

    • Gladtobe says:

      Colleen can you share which book you found so useful. I would love to read it.
      I am survivor not a victim but would like to move to the next stage

  21. Richard Hutchinson says:

    Its the feeling of being worthless coupled with the echoes of hateful spiteful words & violence that haunt me. my mother would at times pull a knife on my filthy abuser of a step parent. Those times were all too few & far between for me. I wished she had just killed the bastard.I have had horrible thoughts of killing my step siblings, who were responsible for a lot of the beatings & abuse from him. I have justified & almost accepted the consequences of such deeds. Hated my mother & stuck now with feelings of revenge. I don’t want to go to prison. It feels like that is the only option. I saw my mother battered but I hate her at times. Its not like she didn’t know what was happening. I just want to live a little. I got into drugs in a big way, it helped me forget sometimes what happened. I cant continue like this it has affected my relationships, my everyday life at every stage. Counselling is no help maybe if I killed those pair of filth at least I would have the satisfaction knowing his foul spawn no longer lived. I need help

    • Aggie says:

      I can imagine why you feel the need to wipe them off this earth..however if you did carry that through, it is you that would incur yet more punishment and possible abuse in the prison system.
      Why let them ruin what is left of your life further? they are not worthy of you forgoing the rest of your life, they have caused you enough pain and damage. You are NOT worthless, far from it. I too am a victim of abuse and only today felt ready to disclose this to a health professional..counselling I have tried previously for a domestic violence abuse from my ex, I found it draining, it didn’t fix things but it helped to I will deal with the rest of the abuse I endured as a child I have no idea yet. I think what did help me survive this far, im 43 now, is I met someone, married, had children, the marriage fell apart of course, cos im crap at relationships (wonder why!!?) but my children need me, ive fought hard for them and focused on them. I drowned my sorrows as a ten was always drinking, thankfully never messed with drugs, I got ill and had no choice but to stop drinking. I think you are amazing to admit you have/had a drug problem, its unsurprising we all need something to take away the pain especially that our mum didn’t love us and protect us, after all isn’t that what a mum is meant to do. My guess is your mum was carrying her own demons and felt worthless too, to put up with that but that does not take away your pain. Im sending you a massive hug Richard as a fellow sufferer but also as a mother who really does care. I hope someone on here can direct you to a service that can help you. Personally I can only suggest seeing your doctor or registering with one soon so that they can help you move forward and have the life you deserve, a bloody good one, where you are valued and loved as you should be.

  22. Cassandra lewis says:

    I’m scared that I’ll always be carrying on a cycle of abuse in my life. This is very hard

  23. Aggie says:

    Hi all, today was the first day that I sat with my GP and told her that I was sexually abused by my sibling. I have yet to find counselling but have been given some ideas of where to start.
    I was abused by my older sister sexually, when at age 4 we were put in a room and double bed older brother also hated me as I took away his mothers attention (being only son) and he would regularly shout at me, drag me around and hit me when he was left to babysit me.
    My mother never had time for me, so I was always palmed off on my older sister to take out from under her feet,my mother never hugged me unless I was ill and she never told me she loved me until earlier this year whe she knew she was dying. my sister back then became like a mother/sister and disturbingly now I know abuser to me. she would always be buying me stuff and I had it drummed into me what a wonderful sister I had. Our relationship fell apart as she became more interested in boys and left home. She and my brother are close, I am very shut out from the family because I guess as I grew up I distanced myself more from them. I have children one of whom is severely disabled, none of my family have been emotionally supportive, we live only 100 miles away but they have never visited or shown interest except my parents. Something inside me this past week has just snapped I got into a row with my sister..i think since my mum died a lid has been lifted, im under immense stress and I’m at the point where I want to cut myself off from the family totally for my own sanity. I will never tell my father as he would hate me and my sister is the only one of us to remain nearby him so he thinks she is wonderful and I get this thrown in my face all the time..sorry this is so long I just felt the need to let this out to somebody

  24. Maureen Redmond says:

    I am 53 and going tbrough a stage of depression, having nightmares about my abuse, mental, physical and sexual. I am missing work and putting my job at risk but i can’t sleep or focus on anything at the moment, I don’t even want to wash, dress and go out. My mind is going 24/7 I just need to get it out but find it hard to talk to anyone face to face.

  25. Victor Jones says:

    I am a victim of child abuse, domestic violence and child molestation. I have gone through the steps to recovery. I forgave my abusers as it releases the power they had over me so that I can live a happy more fulfilling life.

  26. Angela Davis says:

    I tried counciling. The councelor said I was “a tough nut to crack” because I make a joke out of everything and I make excuses for people who’ve
    hurt me. Now I don’t trust people. This is how I cope, but it is getting harder. I don’t feel like I will ever love myself or feel truly worthy.

  27. Elizabeth Limber says:

    I looked at the victim to thriver chart. I seem to represent a mixed plate of some of each. How does one go about handling siblings who baught lies and continue to believe the lies to the point any conversation is difficult as that not a word I say is believed? When the truth is not accepted I run out of talk.

  28. Lisa England says:

    Hi, my name is Lisa, I am 34years old and really struggling- writing this is so hard but feel I need to do it – I was sexually abused from age of 10 – 14yrs by my step dad, who then killed himself, I was raped from the age of 12 – 19yrs by my uncle and emotionally abused all my life by my mother – I have also been emotionally abused by my husband. A few years back a found out from my mother that my stepdad was sharing information about what he was doing to me to my uncle – this made me feel sick. My mother has blamed my for my stepdads death, I was a child she never wanted, she told me I was fat, ugly and no one could ever love me. She messed with my head alot – we had social services out just after my stepdads death to question me about what happened, just before they showed up she threatened me but once the social workers arrived she said to me ‘go on darling you can tell the truth’ – she done this alot through my childhood and even now, last year, she said to me ‘you need to get over this as you dont want another mans death on your hands, leaving more kids without their dads.’ I have had 12 sessions of counselling last year but found it to be unhelpful. I hate who I am, I feel Im never good enough, I have no friends, I don’t really talk to my family as they chose my uncles side, I suffer really bad anxiety – I just want to close my eyes and never wake up – I want all this pain to stop – my husband is getting help with the emotional abuse but he just doesn’t get it, his still not much support. I have 3 beautiful children, 2 Autistic – My kids are my life though I feel I suffocate them as I am so protective. I want to find a way forward from my past but dont know how, my mums horrid words live with me all the time, I struggle to look in a mirror – I hate myself, I am so dirty as for years I let men do what ever they wanted to do to me while I just froze – I need to get passed this but just cant find a way out of this dark tunnel 😭

  29. Jossi says:

    Hello everyone, this is the first time I’m doing this. I was a part of an online support group years ago and I want to find one again.

    I’ve found that talking to other survivors made me feel better back then, and I need to deal with the damage and how to live day to day.

    My name is Jossi, I just hit 41 earlier this month. I was badly abused by multiple people, although it’s been years and I’ve gotten away from my father and his hateful wife I still carry the damage.

    I don’t know how long this post will be, I just need to say enough to feel sleepy. I’ll tell more as time goes on.

    The abuse started at the hands (and temper) of my mother. She beat me horribly, I want to get into some individual stories but I don’t know if I can do that tonight.

    Suffice it to say that multiple abusers using several different forms of abuse took a huge toll on me.

    I’ll tell more later when I learn more about this website. I also want to read what others have to say about the abuse they lives through.

  30. Claire says:

    Hi, I’m very new to this. I don’t know how this works or what I’m supposed to do or even say. I haven’t found it easy talking about my life and the horrific abuse I’ve suffered, but I’m going to try. I don’t know how long this will be but I am known to write a lot or say a lot if I feel able, comfortable or safe to do so. IF it’s too long and people don’t agree or like it I apologise now. I hope IF you can, IF you don’t mind and you DO read my story (I don’t like saying story because our lives and experiences aren’t “Stories” they are TRUE experiences of extremely painful times in our lives!)…more my biography of abuse, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time and patience to do so, it really means a lot!
    I have read EACH and EVERY one on here and I send lots of warm hugs and support to everyone who has shared their experiences, questions, thoughts and feelings. If I can help anyone…I will!
    This is mine
    .. So here goes.

    I’m 40yrs old now, I have an amazing partner who really loves me for me, who makes me feel safe and protects me as much as anyone could and then some more. We have 4 amazing, intelligent, kind and caring children. Two 13yr olds and two 11yr olds.
    Because of what I’ve been through, and carefully and age appropriately through the years our children are well equipped and they don’t keep secrets and they share everything with us. We are truly blessed.

    My whole life right up to this very day I am in so much pain. Incomprehensible pain. My life has been abuse after abuse and so on. Even last year I was attacked by someone who had recognised me and had sexually assaulted me when I was 22!! I wasn’t with my partner when it happened, he was at home… but IF he’d been with me he’d have run the errand, not me, and I’d have been safe. I was so stupid! I put myself in a dangerous position and I paid the price!

    My life wasn’t great growing up but at 17 my whole life changed! And not for the better.

    My therapist said I’m very matter of fact about my life up until I’m 17 and then I struggle to tell. She said I also had Stockholm Syndrome for quite a long time. Up until I was 23yrs old.

    I can tell you I was sexually abused and raped by my Uncle from the age of 3 and it stopped when I was 9. I can tell you my brother, older by 18 months; was just as scared to say anything because he’d witnessed and heard the abuse. I also have a younger brother by 11 years who experienced life with Our alcoholic Mum. She was physically and emotionally abusive which has had massive repercussions on all 3 of us. None of us felt safe growing up and none of us felt we belonged in our family.

    Now my parents are real and good parents. My Mum doesn’t drink and she’s an amazing woman who I love dearly. She tries still to make amends but that abuse growing up at home…. well, it’s hard to talk about.

    Because I can’t describe and I’m not ready to tell details I’ll keep it as brief as possible. I apologise for being matter of fact about my life and I’m sorry for the way I’ll explain this part.

    I was 17yrs and 4 months old.
    It was Wednesday 14th December 1994 at 10.30am when I met the man who emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually damaged me for the next 6yrs. What he did and what he incited and allowed so many men and even women to do to me, I can’t put into words!

    He not only damaged my mental health but he damaged my body so badly I’m now physically disabled and I’m in constant pain.
    I’m on Hydromorphone long and fast release pain medication, Gabapentin and amitriptyline for nerve damage, Baclofen for spasms, antidepressants and anti anxiety medication.
    I’m not sure if I can do this…. I promised myself and my therapist I’d try.

    This man charmed his way into my Mum’s good graces. When my Mum doesn’t drink (and masses of credit to her because she hasn’t had a drink for 24yrs now) she’s amazing, sweet and kind. He saw not only my vulnerability but my Mum’s with her pain and turning to drink and my Dad’s because he was so focused on my Mum that maybe I slipped through the net just like my brothers.

    I didn’t like him, I didn’t want to like him but somehow, before I realised what had happened and how it happened I was visiting him and his two small children at his house. Before I knew what was going on I loved him, really truly and deeply loved this man. I’d have done anything for him. When things got bad, I hated him but I was deeply in love with him.

    He was 11yrs older than me.

    One day in June of 1995 he told me to look after his children as he was popping out. That’s how he said it “Claire, look after the kids, I’m popping out”
    That meant 2 hours and all my belongings from home later.
    “You’re not going home, you live here now. Your Mum gave you her blessing. Don’t worry she said she will sort your Dad. Now….” and he just paused, like for effect and then he said “….You’re MINE” and the ‘MINE’ was emphatic in a creepy way that scared me.
    I wasn’t ready to move in with him.
    My Dad called the police and he made me tell them I wanted to live there. I was so scared at the time. I don’t know how the police missed it, but they did.

    From that day forward I was his possession, his property. When he said I was his, he wasn’t joking.
    He told me many times he could do what he wanted with me, when, how and with who he wanted.

    Physically, I was a size 10, I’ve always had a big bust and at 17 I was a 32GG. So tiny with this HUGE bust. He loved that. He also loved that I looked younger than I actually was. Even now people say I look like I’m in my early 30’s. It’s not a blessing but more a curse.

    I can’t say too much only because I can’t do it, it’s too hard. I don’t feel like I’m actually telling anyone yet. Does that make sense to anyone?

    I need to for myself, need to wrap this up. To stop. I’m sure as time goes on and if anyone on here will talk to me, I will feel able to say more and feel safe to explain what he did.

    My partner understands that in terms of what happened to me, what people call horrific I call horrible and what I call horrific, people call it incomprehensible. My partner says what happened to me and with the physical evidence of my disability; what happened in those 6yrs was incomprehensible and what has happened with all the abuse from the day I was born is horrific.

    I hope you all understand why I’m stopping here.

    I hope havoca can help with the support.

    Again, IF you’ve taken the time to read this, thank you.

    • Alison says:

      Hi Claire.
      Thank you for sharing what you feel able to. That was very courageous. I too have been through stuff and have been in counselling for 11 months this time.
      I am really pleased that you have such a caring and understanding partner and it sounds as though you are a great mum.
      Please stick with your counsellor, you are moving in the right direction.
      I couldn’t ignore your post and wanted you to know that it has been seen and acknowledged.
      Big hugs to you. I hope you find the support you need here xx

  31. Robin says:

    I wasn’t angry at God, I was trying to understand why He would allow dad to hurt me, to hurt us. Struggling daily to accept His will for me, all I ever wanted was to serve Him, be light in the darkness, bring glory to His name. I smiled, not in denial of the abuse, but so I could be a light in someone else’s darkness. maybe they were going through the same thing, maybe they had a family member who had cancer, or who died. maybe their parents were going through divorce, maybe they were moving, and didn’t want to. I wanted to be a light for THEM. I protected the people that i have grown up with, knowing what it would do to them. a family friend in January 2005, noticed i no longer looked her in the she asked her family to pray for me, I had no idea how small my world would get.she was the school nurse at my elementary school. she was always very grandmotherly. meaning she wasn’t just a friend of the family, at least to me, in my eyes. She was more family than friend. turns out, her grandson prayed for me, who just like me, walked by faith. He was one of the popular kids, cross country kids. He was handsome, with a soul patch ( :P), and an accent (he later divulged that he was English, should have known that too). It was love at first sight…which i was a skeptic, at first, thinking it only happened in fairy tales, or Hallmark movies. but became a believer when it happened. i was frozen for a few moments, i was the first to look away….my heart had said, “Don’t let him see” (thinking if, eyes are the windows to the soul, maybe he would see the pain, the suffering) He had a cousin who went to my previous school (i had just moved to his city during the summer) and i think that is how he found out about my past. the following semester, we were assigned seats…he never let on that he knew, he respected my decision to wait (for dating), he never once touched me (physically, that is). He took care of me emotionally, making me laugh from the first day and on. He brought back my smile and my laugh (probably the only characteristics his grandmother had spoken of infectious smile/contagious laugh…plus the one defining characteristic: two different colored eyes; one is blue the other is half blue, half hazel.) I loved him almost immediately, but hid my love for a long time…it seemed, to me, too good to be true…but it is…He chose to pray for me (taking care of me spiritually) and then made me laugh (taking care of me emotionally). one day, soon, hopefully this year, he will take care of me physically.. <3

  32. Gaynell says:

    I am 58 years old and have serious mental health problems and have been on disability since 2005 just after a near fatal suicide attempt. I have Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder and PTSD. I first remembered my abuse in my abuse in my twentys. My therapist recommended I tell my family, which turned into a disaster. No one believed me including my husband. So I buried my memories again. my memories stayed buried for 20 years. I have been depressed all my life and I am sure it was the abuse. I am a poet and most of my memories come back when I am writing. I just relax and let my mind and hand talk. Believe it or not I have never worked on abuse issues in over 30 years of therapy. I have a very skilled therapist who is trained in abuse trauma. This therapy is very difficult and emotional. When I finish writing a poem I go back and read it. Two days ago I wrote several poems back to back and they brought me to my knees. My abused child changed ages and now I remember. it was the most emotional and beautiful poem I have ever written. It took 45 min. from start to finish. First draft. No revision needed. I left it just like it was written. So many words on paper tend to lull someone to sleep. I will finish. I love reading stories by survivors. The key word is SURVIVOR. I would like to be brave and share it. Titled: I have a secret garden, God made it just for me. Love Always.

  33. Aaron says:

    I think my situation is a little different than others. At ages 6 and 7, my sister and I were coerced into performing sex acts with each other while my 14 year old female babysitter coached us and masturbated while she watched us. I didn’t feel disgust or shame. I felt excitement and arousal seeing my babysitter pleasure herself and while I “played” with another female. I didn’t associate her being my sister as wrong or unnatural. Then around the same time, an older male cousin, about 14 at the time, coerced me to perform acts on him, and he would do them to me, again, not knowing it was wrong, I found it pleasurable and fun. I feel terrible my sister had to deal with it. As years went on i found myself fantasizing about her. I would spy on her in the shower, watch her masturbate through the keyhole in the door. Steal her panties. I would spy on my mother the same way. I didn’t see them as my sister, or my mother, I saw them as female and an object of my sexual desire. I know now that, that was all very wrong and very inappropriate. I still to this day have inscestual fantasies with my sister. I found tapes she would send to her boyfriend at college and would pleasure my self to them. I know nothing can or will ever come of these unnusual desires, but thats kind of the turn on, being secretive about it. I was never physically abused, or actually forced into doing those things. I’m not sure why I feel different about it happening to me than most. My cousin and I grew to be very close friends actually, it only happened a handful of times one summer, and neither one of us has ever brought it up. I don’t think its fair to because I never said no, and had no problem with going along with it at the time. Any comment is welcome. Hoping I’m not the only one.

    • Anonymous says:

      Even if you think nothing unpleasant happened to you, your kind of abuse was so insidious that you somehow blame yourself. But abuse it was and a very harmful and unfair one.

  34. natalie lombardo says:

    I am in need of group therapy, I have done everything else and find at this point in my life it would release a lot of further isolating feelings. I want to know people have gone through similar things as I and that there is a safe place for us to find healing and growth; together(ness).

  35. Bassam Mnayer says:

    Since I was 4 years old my father was obsessed with trying to kill me. he tried drowning me, chocking me, locking me in the car with no air-conditioning. And finally he pushed me off the roof of the house. I landed on my head. broke my neck, left shoulder, and left top of my head. My brain swelled, went into multiple comas. some I was told were tough to get out of. now I am somewhat slow. I am abandoned by family, have no friends, I work off and on. I tried to describe my situation to Doctors. they do not even want to listen.

    • Anonymous says:

      I have no words to describe how much it hurts me to read, what was done to you.I’m surprised that your story reads similar to mine. I guess sadistic parents must use similar methods. I’m so sorry. I had to get a little bit more insistent and yes, assertive, until one doctor finally took me seriously. Take courage, there is hope!

  36. Vicky says:

    Hi I joined a few days ago, I am 36 and although I have I guess come to terms with my abuse I still don’t discuss it with others. I haven’t any luck confiding in people, I once told my high school councillor….she gave me a pat on the back along with her sympathies and avoided me after that. I find although I can go months and even years now without thinking about my trauma I still can’t bring myself to tak about it openly.

    I was 8 years old when my abuse started. My abuser was a friend of my babysitter (she had no idea what he was doing) he would often pull me into a room with just the two of us and grope me. As time went on he tried other things, I had oral sex for the first time when I was around 10 years old. I sometimes Picked up bacterial infections that were painful and sore but no one cottoned on at the time. At first I didn’t know it was wrong, as I got older though I began to realise how wrong it was. I remember cowering under the table in fear while I listening to him trying to find me. Once I started secondary school I was able to break free of my babysitter and I stopped going round. The damage it did was huge though, I had anxiety and depression throughout my teens, drug and alcohol abuse up until my late twenties and to top it off it triggered a lot of paranormal experiences throughout my life. I know a lot of people don’t believe in the paranormal, so not only is it extremely hard to tell people about my abuse but to then try and and tell them I have had premonitions, visions of past events, ive lived in haunted houses and experienced things that are unexplainable is even harder. It’s a whole different trauma in itself. I actually thought I was insane untill I realised all my visions and prophecies were true. My life was spent mostly living in fear, i got so low I tried suicide by attaching one end of a phone cord to a towel ring and wrapping the other end round my neck. I didn’t die of course but it did change my perspective on things.

    Over time I learnt to let go of the pain and hatred I had for my childhood traumas, yes it happened and no it wasn’t my fault. I stopped blaming everyone else for my problems and took accountability for my actions. Life slowly got better, I found purpose. These days I try to help others, I have good and bad days. I still have generalised anxiety, i have an addictive personality so I have to watch what I do. I live in the country which helps a lot and I try to find positivity in everything. I choose to look at the good instead of the bad. Now that I feel I’m in a stable place I want others to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, It doesn’t matter how low you get or badly you think of yourself there is always hope. We all have the power to change who we are and what we do, I always say the only from bottom is up!

  37. Gaynell says:

    I have read so many stories and shed baskets of tears for the children who lost there childhood and learned shame. No child should even know what shame means. I have read your stories and cried for the adults who are still struggling with painful memories and still carry their shame deep inside. I learned that the sound of creaking stairs brought terror to me. I have no sense of time or age. I am told it is because I have suppressed memories for so many years that I can’t tell how much old I was when the abuse happened. It doesn’t really matter to me, all that matters to me is that I did unspeakable things in the dark and lived with the shame all my life. I have learned something all survivors need to know and believe. We did what we did in order to survive. Nothing more, nothing less. It took me 50 years to learn this lesson. I pray you learn it more quickly. I am glad I have found this site. Talking with your therapist is invaluable, but talking with another survival is beyond compare. Tonight is not the night I tell my story. Tonight I leave you with a poem written for survivors. My poetry is my therapy. I don’t want to distract you with too long a post. I close this post and post the poem next share a poem I wrote. Look for my poetry and stories I am ready to share with friend who understand. Love. There are eagle’s wings in your future.

  38. Katie says:

    My abuse as a child was not sexual in nature. (That did not happen until I was an adult.) I feel like I am more damaged than I have any right to be. Reading these posts, others have gone through horrific things. Much worse than my abuse. What right do I have to be so f**ked up when there are people who have had it so much worse than I. Shouldn’t I just be grateful what I went through wasn’t worse? Why cant I “move on” and “get over it” like I’ve been told? Even the sexual abuse as an adult was not as violent as others have experienced. Even as I type this I’m not sure I should send it. It’s like I was abused just enough to not fit in with others but not enough to deserve help or a support group. So, do I fit in anywhere?

  39. The chart is amazing and can be applied to many traumas and conditions. Thank you for creating it!

  40. Gaynell says:

    I don’t get back to HAVOCA as often as I would like. Listening to the individual stories of other survivors is always emotional. I would like everyone to feel safe enough to have a group hug. I need advice. I am working on a manuscript about my childhood and all the traumas I faced. I have now come to a dilemma. do I talk about the sex abuse or tidy the manuscript. I don’t want to say anything bad about my family, but I have a story to tell. Help!

  41. I have written to various so called abuse help lines not a word from them my age 74 im ok now ive lived with my treatment at a childrens home long enough but they think ignoring me is correct if that is how they think I guess the kids there are not safe even today the wrong doing happens out of general view the place im talking about was William henry smith school brighouse w yorks name been changed but I believe still sponsored by charity money any help welcomed

  42. Gaynell says:

    I have been dealing with the effects of my childhood sexual abuse for 40 years now. I had long periods where my memories were suppressed and I remembered nothing of the abuse. I awakened one morning in 2004 and the memories came flooding back. In 2005 the pressure became so bad I attempted suicide. that is hard to admit and many people condemned me for it. I was told I was going to hell. I believed these voices. My self esteem disappeared. I carry as much pain from the suicide attempt as I have from all the nightmare things I had to do as a child. Memories haunt me; old ones, recent ones, ones buried in my past. Just when I think I have it together, I fall apart. Will it never end? Surely I wont have to live like this the rest of my life? I survived my suicide attempt by the grace of God. I had no pulse when EMS found me, and I was on life support for 2 weeks. I must get control of my memories and feelings. I cannot go down that dark path again. If anyone still believes in prayer, I think I need them. Love, Gaynell.

  43. Gaynell says:

    it is late at night and this is going to be the third night in a row I have not slept. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder as well as PTSD. I thought my nights of flashbacks were over because I have done years of therapy where I confronted my memories one at a time. They were ugly and shameful. In heaven’s name, they are still ugly and shameful, and I hate them because they keep reminding me that I was sexually abused when I was a defenseless child. They had the power and I did not. I am a powerful adult now and I keep telling myself that flashbacks are only memories from the past. The past is gone. They are only nebulous thoughts .They have no substance. Do I sound like a therapist? I have learned so many things over the years my therapist wants me to write my memoirs. I have now written over 10,000 words. But even if I am a survivor and have so many years of counseling, my tears still fall and it hurts. Only a fellow victim can understand that pain. And I will always carry the history of a small child who had her innocence and trust taken away. When does a child lose the laughter in their eyes? It doesn’t matter when, only that it was gone and I suddenly was no longer a child. I am afraid I will always be at risk of flashbacks. And they will always hurt, but remember that we have the power now and memories are only nebulous things that can no longer hurt me.

  44. Gaynell says:

    I wrote last night that I have not slept in several days. I slept 6 hours this morning. I gave a party today and it was a success. in all the notes I have written, I have never mentioned that I have scoliosis, which means my back is twisted. It took 3 surgeries to make my spine straight.They encased my spine in steel to help hold the spine straight. My neck muscles are extremely weak and I have great difficulty holding my head up. I call the adversities and challenges we have as mountains we must climb. Everyone has their own mountains to climb. You are a mountain climber whether you are aware of it or not. Sometimes I am a great mountain climber. And sometimes I keep falling off the same mountains. PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and scoliosis are mountains I will always be climbing. Tonite I don’t want want to climb mountains. Tonght I want to be a little girl with freckles on her nose and a mischevious grin. I want to run around the neighborhood with no fear, only laughter. I want to be this innocent child having fun. A child being a child. A beautiful, innocent child with a happy life. I want this so much. I want to turn back the clock and step backwards into my childhood. A childhood filled with love. Is that too much to ask an omnipotent God ? If he creared the universe with nothing but his voice. But I cry and grieve for something I never had, and never will. I have been working on these issues all of my life and the answer is always the same, the past is forbidden and I have to live today. I pray for the strength to live this life that God has given me.

  45. Gaynell says:

    I have talked several times but I never talked about some things. I was molested and raped by stepfather for many years. He called himself Daddy and I was Baby. I remember the devastation I felt the first time he made me undress. I tried to keep my panties on but he said “No, Take those off. I want to see how pretty you are.” He made me stand in front of him and he reached between my legs. Then my mind started escaping from the reality I could not handle. I was 5 years old. . My heart still catches in my throat when I remember him raping me every 2-4 nights a week. He destroyed whatever sexual life I could have had.. I have done so much work in therapy, but his voice commands me in the bedroom. To be blunt but real, I can only have an orgasm if he tells me to. I have told no one that, not even my therapist, and we have been through 2 years worth of memories together. It breaks my heart that I cannot admit that to anyone until now. Except for the abuse, I have had sexual intercourse less than ten times and I was married for 22 years. Some nights he would make me have oral sex, either way. Sometimes when he ejaculated in my mouth I gagged and threw up. He laughed. Some nights he wouldn’t leave until I had an orgasm. Even when I was very young. You have no idea how humiliated that makes me feel. I threw up in my therapist office when I told that memory. He suspected it would happen and was prepared. I was still humiliated. No more secrets tonight. It is time to remind myself I am an adult and shut down. I cannot thank you all enough for letting me talk. I see my therapist tomorrow and maybe I can talk there ,too. When I saw him the first time and admitted I had been abused, he said I needed to go back and tell him my story. I told he was crazy. who wanted to look at ugly things all over again. . But as I told him my story and he listened quietly, I actually did begin to heal. I want other survivors to know that healing comes from telling your story to someone kind and understanding. So just keep talking and talking and the pain really will start to go away. I wish healing for everyone each day. .Love, Gaynell.

  46. Dan says:

    anybody else kinda feel like they aren’t gonna make the last column?

  47. Nick says:

    A brief description my dad died when I was 6. We where 3 boys my mother raised. My mom since the day my dad died would beat me with horse whips, knives, pots, hammers, that is why i cannot hear well through my left ear and have some scars in my body. All my life she has kept telling me she curses the day I was born and wishes she would of had an abortion. I would get a puppy and she would kill it. I would come back from school on one occassion I found my baby labrador hanging on a tree by its neck in our backyard and her telling me the dog had to go. Until this day it kills me inside I loved that puppy.  She still says to this day that i will have the most horrific death ever full of pain and suffering. My older brother would choke me with a belt and try to drown me in a white bucket of water all the time while kicking me and stomping on my ribs I was about 8 he was 18 or 19. My middle brother would always defend me when he was around. My middle brother became a Marine and he did his 4 years got out became a correctional officer. On April 17th 2007 we took a fishing trip with his buddies. On the 18th of April 2007 I came back to where I lived at the time to a friends house when I got a call that they had a boat accident and he drowned. My mother has never forgiven me for this since I always took care of him and be his designated driver always. Since then all she has told me is why I didn’t die instead of him, to kill myself and such. Keep in mind all my life my mother has told me that only real men commit suicide. I got married at age 21 divorced within a few months. It was horrible. She accused me of dv and such. Come to find out she was taking cocaine and zanax, so we ended up divorcing after I spent 3 months in jail for violating probation on one of the dv accusations that I supposedly hit her which where false.  After that I moved back to my moms and almost every week she would kick me out, call the cops for no reason. My mom adopted 2 nephews of mine sons of my older brother different women 6 months apart. They treat me horrible and lie about me because my mom encouraged them to all the time and if i said something she would go and get a restraining order and kick me out and I would go on the streets then she would let me back to her house because she knew I needed a place to stay and her knowing this wouls trick me into coming back.  after a while I decided to finally get out of that hell house. My nephews are 20 and 21 now.  Moved to Tucson met a beautiful woman she got pregnant but decided to have an abortion at almost 3 months because she was not prepared at 41 to be a mother and wanted to travel the world it devastate me so we endes it because we where arguing all the time and we went our seperate ways. I was 28 at the time so I moved back to my moms because I thought this time would be different and I needed aome support.  Then met another woman she has 3 daughters. Even though I adore them all they started listening to their real dad which my ex has no communication with him they started treating me bad manipulating their mom to get what they wanted and so I ended up leaving. I have had a few suicide attempts which my mother helped me last year bought me a bottle of whisky and 3 bottles of tylenol and once drunk upset and angry I took the bottles of tylenol infront of her while she laughed and she kept saying “do it things will get better your a nobody and always will be” ended up in icu for 13 days. A few months ago she called the cops after inviting me over and I have her on recording and she accused me of trespassing and disorderly conduct. I did not such thing and the cops since she has called them alot they automatically for some reason always have believed her. When I went to court the prosecutor was laughing at my case while the court appointed attorney was trying to explain the situation. She gave me diversion a fine and community service. Now I am in Tucson Az I quit my job a few days ago because my boss refused to pay me for months and owes me almost 5000 dollars. I have not been able to pay this court because of my boss hidding from the court I file a civil suit from. I am sick and tired of people believing my mom the judge, prosecutor, police, everyone that crosses her path and she speaks of me to them as if I am a criminal and a drug addict that overdosed and had to go to the icu, from the tylenol. I am not a drug addict and I am no criminal. I feel like the only way for people to finally believe me and get relieved from all these problems and the court bs is if I was to die finally, maybe then they would say maybe I was telling the truth.

  48. rete1a says:

    I have been told that I am in survival mode. But I have many of the things listed in the victim mode in me still.

  49. forrealretard says:

    My name is Joshua Demers.After severe all five catagory, chronic, domestic abuse as a child including brain damage and surgery to repair damage done duiring frequent and violent sodomy until five years old I’ve become a mix. The victim part is hopelessness with agoraphobia of doctors, police, and judges. I require a hardcore medication to stop nocturnal seizures treating insomnia together but they call me a bad person for this. If I take the medication it’ll make me worse and if you require one dose more than we decided for you then you’re an addict and deserve to suffer and go without. This is called medical malpractice. Facts are facts and don’t ever let someone force authority on you when they are abusive without speaking up about it and seeking legal revenge to try and eliminate bad doctors, police officers, judges and anyone else who is criminally harming you! CHILDREN LIVES MATTER!
    Check me out on YouTube

  50. EW says:

    I recently found this site and it’s very interesting. I know that when I was very young, my Mom passed me around to different people as she was dealing with a very sick husband and had 5 other children to tend to. There’s a period in my life I have no memory of and I assume that it’s because of the abuse I suffered. The issues I am encountering and have encountered in my life are very similar to the conditions you describe and I’m so glad I know that I’m not a confused young girl anymore. My husband and I have discussed my withdrawal often and know I see that it wasn’t because I’m frigid, but that something did happen.

    I’m not sure what happened, but I can only forgive the circumstances and the person who abused me because I know that when I forgive others, I can forgive myself. Yes, “Forgive me Father for they do not know what they do”.

    I do have strong faith in God and believe he is revealing this now to me as I’m ready to heal and enjoy my life fully – somewhere I’ve never been before.

    I am incredibly grateful to find this site and acknowledge I am not an abused child anymore… Thank you.

  51. maryfrances toy says:

    The survivor’s guilt and shame gnawls at me in silence. I try hard to stay mindful and in the present which is difficult to master but i keep trying unwilling to surrender to pain and memories and knowledge that i did all i could to protect others that where trapped as I. I could not save enuff and one died because i was not strong enuff to speak up. I spent my life trying to make up for the loss of my friend, and trying to balance the now with the truth, none of us should have survived. I did by some weird miricle and yet inside somedays feel so dead slain by shame.

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