HAVOCA

About HAVOCA

Support, Information and Guidance for adult victims of child abuse and their support networks.

53 Responses to Subscription confirmation

  1. denise says:

    Hi

    I am new here. I am a survivor of childhood sexual, mental and emotional abuse. I’ve been in recovery 27 years, and maybe more at the “living with” stage of recovery, as I don’t believe I will ever reach a point in the journey where the abuse is no longer a part of my life-it has shaped me and left a certain legacy, which I can embrace. One of the ways the abuse lives with me today is in my tendency to get real anxious-out of hand anxiety that can hold me captive for hours/days, and once it passes leaves me emotionally drained and needing to “rebuild myself.” Yes, I manage the anxiety better, but fear/terror still lives with me someplace-which I find understandable.

    I am finally in a loving relationship, but am at the point in the relationship where I had to press that my partner educate himself on childhood abuse and recovery. He was physically abused as a child but is of the opinion that it doesn’t affect. It would be good to not only get support from myself here, but for him.

    I’ll leave it here for now.

    Denise.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing.

      Have you seen our forums? There are over 3000 members many of whom are in a similar position to you. You can find them at http://www.havoca.org/phpBB3

    • Jenn says:

      Bless your heart Denise. I don’t know you, but I would like to. I feel compelled to share my “secret”. It’s not a cure-all but it I am confident I can show you a better quality of life than what it sounds as if you are experiencing currently.

      God Bless,
      Jenn

    • Jennifer Cottrill says:

      As a survivor of awful physical abuse but not ” emotional” despite having to experience things no child should hear, experience or see, I empathise with any person that has endured any kind of abuse. The one good thing that can come out of this kind of abuse, in my experience is to be the best parent you can be. My childhood experiences have shaped my life and I have tried to be the best parent I can be.

    • Jennifer Cottrill says:

      Hi Denise, as a survivor of sexual, abusive behavior as a child ,very early teenager, I would like to reassure you that all wiill be ok in the end. You need to contact your social services , I was provided with a social worker who helped me come to terms with my history etc and ultimately conquer the awful, awful abuse by my uncle. This abuse is not exclusive, it is endemic but no-one talks about it for various reasons.As a survivor of it (and the awful secrecy that the perpetrator demanded) nothing happened , Ie; he escaped justice, please don’t let this happen to you.I so wish you the best outcome!

  2. Doris Mendieta says:

    Hi I’m Doris like I said before I’m a victim of childhood sexual abuse I can’t become any other way other than being depressing life I’m in mid age crosses I cannot come above it I don’t know how to get my license back I don’t know how to come out of depression I don’t have a job I’m beside myself a days Thursdays I don’t want to live it all I need an organization or something that can help me my have no insurance I’m pretty much down to the bottom of the pit in my life

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      I understand how lonely it can be and I really want to help you find the right support.

      If you email me your location I will try and find some level of support for you.

      Often reaching out is the first step on a long journey and although it seems like the bottom of the pit, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can promise you that things can get better.

      Have you found our forums? There are lots of like minded survivors on there that will help and guide you.

  3. Laura says:

    New to this site had sex as a child from age 5-12yrs of age never really understood what it was by an older child who had an older sibling who taught him all about sex . One day the older child bribed me said if I did things sex / intercourse that he would give me things I went said yes he said you swear to God said yes the next day I just didn’t want to felt it was wrong ..the child manipulated me said that if I didn’t God would be mad at me because I swore on God that was the last thing I wanted to have God mad at me ..everyday behind the house over the hill in the woods, in the barn full blown intercourse ..eventually I started hibernating in the house watching tv to escape seems like my family never noticed what was happening.. When I was 15 I realized in Gods eyes sex before marriage was wrong ..a lot of times I have blamed God WHY didn’t he stop it and since I confessed to this was it really abuse or was I just bad .. Had a lot of emotional , physical abuse , verbal abuse from my mom as well in the past I have tried to commit suicide twice – relationships have been very hard seems like the men that I have had in my life were no good — abusers as well , one even though he abused me verbally and physically thought I was going to be with him which turned out didnt work out of it I have a beautiful little boy that has disabilities and challenges. Would never try to kill myself out right my boy means a lot to me however ..I hate me and my body and it doesn;t seem to matter how I treat this damaged body feel like no one will ever Ever love me for me how could they. I have accepted Jesus as my savior ..at least I feel I have however my life is not reflecting that and it just hurts so bad when will this pain stop ..I have heart disease and diabetes..I will start out taking the meds then it just falls to the waist side along with poor eating habits and then just when I think to myself I haven’t had sex in 6 yrs because of my beliefs in Christ and Abstinence I went and blew that with some man I didnt even really no who turned out was a pedophile back in 1988 since his picture on a sex offender sight. I just don’t know what to do I stay in a victim mindset and cant seem to break the cycle of bad things in my life and feel like I am a magnet to all the bad men in the world.. losing hope but need to press on feel like no one will ever love me, and has God given up on me .

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope sharing has helped you in some small way.

      Acknowledging what you want to change and admitting you need to break the cycle is the first big step, so don’t overlook that achievement.

      Stay strong and use this website (and the many others on the www) to form your foundation of hope. Have you considered joining our forums? You’ll meet other likeminded survivors.

      Take care

  4. Naomi says:

    I’m new here, I’m 18 my dad sexually abused when I was younger. I then was dragged through care 7 different foster families one of which physically abused me 8 different care homes one child in the care home raped me. When I was 15 I went to see my dad on life support because of liver failure he drunk himself to death which I’m glad of because he can’t hurt anyone else. I haven’t fully recovered yet I only got out of care in January. But I’m an almost survivor I say almost because I’m lucky that the paramedics bought me back last year.

  5. shannon says:

    Hello I am new here. I have suffered childhood molestation from close family members When I was about 5 until the age of 9. Thoes years were the worst years of my life. The people who were supposed to protect me hurt me. I have depression issues, I suffer with relationship self esteem. I want to have a healthy relationship but my mind will somehow put most men in the bad person category. I know it’s not fair to judge but I do, I feel like I can not trust any man with my heart. I deserve to be happy and fall in love but this part is taking a toll of me. I don’t want any men around my 2 girls because I don’t trust most.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing your story. Learning to trust is a monumental task that takes time, commitment and a lot of courage.

      You might consider joining our forums where you will meet like minded survivors who have worked through their own trust issues.

      We also have a huge section on trust on this website. If you haven’t done so already you might like to read through those pages and see where that takes you.

      Good luck.

  6. Kassy says:

    In 2008 I moved back to Idaho from Arizona, to take care of my disabled grandfather. My husband , I and our two sons. We moved into my grandfather’s home. Within 8 months I noticed a change in our boys. I got them into counseling. …PSR services, and case management. 2 years later grandfather passes. Family sells house…we move. 9 months into our new home. …I find out that our oldest now 12 hitting puberty has been sexual abusing our 2 younger children. 2 days later I find out by our 2nd oldest that in the 2 1/2 years at my grandfather’s house…..my grandfather’s nephew who’s 58 years old. …was popping the lock on the door in the middle of the night and raping both of them. Brutally! So I go to the authorities to report all my findings they instantly targeted in on my oldest. They charged him with 4 felony counts. It’s been a year and a half since. They still have not even tried to go after my grandfather’s nephew. And our public defender didn’t even try to help us. Also the probation officer that my son’s case was given to ….was a victim herself. …she didn’t refuse his case either. Instead she took it and pulled some illegal things to get his informal adjustment removed. She said there was a court order for him to take a polygraph. … which said he hadn’t offended anyone in about a year so she took that and gave him a probation violation. So they judge removed him from the home. I can’t seem to get any help out here. My oldest son is more of a victim. He has always been an excellent child. Gets excellent grades. Never been in trouble. I had to find all my own counseling for them. His probation officer wouldn’t help. They are destroying my son even worse. Along with the rest of my family. Just as my children were healing is when they pulled him from the home. They even placed him a cross the street for the first 2 months. So much injustice has been done. Where can I get help. Please someone

  7. tina says:

    i am also new to this sight i was sexually,physically and mentally abused by my father.i lived with it from the age of 3 to 16.im kind of a survivor because im still here fighting if anything the things that have happened to me have made me a little stronger. i personally dont think you can ever fully get over it but you can control it to survive. i have had 2 years of councelling many years ago.the one thing i found due to the abuse is i have a pattern of being in relationships where abuse happens to me in front of my children you have people who say why dont you walk away but its not that easy. all my life i thought it was a way of life as this was repeated to me as a child by my dad he would say its a normal daughter father relationship but you never tell.i believe this you trust the ones who are meant to protect you. i took my dad to court but even to this day i still feel cheated by the sentance he got 4 and half years for my childhood dosent seem fair. my father died 3 years ago and im glad because he can no longer heart me in my head i feel a release now. i have 7 children and each of them have suffered from seing mental abuse by their fathers i have now said enough and are taking control to break the cycle its hard but we can all do it sorry for going on. ill leave it there. tina

  8. marylouise says:

    I am 71 years old and still suffering the effect of my child abuse between ages 3-16. I’ve had 20 years of personal counseling and 3 years at age 47 with an excellent psychiatrist. I am still unable to feel love which my family, children and spiritual leaders send my way. I have taken 80 mg of Prozac daily since 1990 and am fairly content, except for my monthly loneliness spells when I feel totally unacceptable to anybody, even myself. Am I insane, will I get over this before I die? I just want to feel like I am loved.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      It is possible to overcome this. Only you can beat this, it must start with you. No amount of therapy or drugs will heal the scars unless you allow yourself to heal. Your destiny is in your hands, don’t give up, we can support you. Please find our forums here.

  9. Littlelost1 says:

    I am new here. I am a 54 yr old male and was working on AA 4th step again, when a lot of old things came to the surface. I was picked on a lot, bullied, called a fag, and numerous types of mental abuse by family members, friends, and schoolmates. I was a short, kinda feminine looking boy with long hair. I saw a bullying commercial and that was me. ( the famous one) It just ripped my heart out. There was also some minor sexual abuse. This is a life changing journey again after 14 years sober. After a week of crying, I am ready to start healing, Thank god for this sight.

  10. Laurie says:

    I just found this site and I’m hoping I can find some real help here.
    I have moderate to severe PTSD caused from terrible childhood abuse that was sexual, physical, verbal and ritual.
    The PTSD is tearing my marriage apart.
    We have a 7 year old daughter, please is there anyone who can help a couple learn to live with PTSD?
    I just can’t do this alone anymore and take care of my daughter too.

  11. Deb says:

    13 years of sexual abuse from the person who was supposed to protect me. PTSD, 2 suicide attempts, and I just can’t say the words in therapy because as soon as I start, I can actually physically feel it all again.

  12. Terri says:

    I am new to this site, I’ve looked online for several resources and this one seemed to fit better than the others. I was a victim of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my mother as a child. The emotional abuse continued until about 10 months ago when I decided to cut off all contact with her after I finally recognized what was going on. My childhood was one that I would not wish on anyone due to the traumatic events I witnessed and experienced because of her. My father was also an alcoholic during my childhood and while he had episodes of rage and violence towards my mother when he drank, he was the only parent who ever truly expressed love and affection for me. We have a wonderful relationship today and have been able to work through the resentments and anger I held toward him due to the past. One of the hardest things for me to grasp is that after 36 years of believing my dad was the bad guy and my mom was the victim (per her recollections) I now see the truth which is completely reversed. I’m not sure where to begin in dealing with that. I’m a social worker and am a bit disappointed that I never recognized all of this about myself. I mean, if I can help others why can’t I help myself? I’ve hidden my feelings, built up walls and shut people out of my life for years as a way of protection but I am tired of the negative effect this is having on my life. I am unable to have close relationships with anyone due to trust issues and I snap at what I perceive as the smallest slight or judgment from others. My therapist pointed out that these are classic signs of PTSD, something I never considered but it makes so much sense! Life is too short, and while this journey may be painful I want my life back. I want to be truly happy for once in my life. For that to happen I must deal with the demons inside me. Thank you so much for this site!

  13. Christine says:

    I am new to any forums like this. I am 62 and haven’t talked to anyone about what happened to me between age 5 (possibly before). But today someone disclosed to me she had been raped by her grandfather and i burst into tears because this is what happened to me , but she said she was ok with it now because she had therapy. She encouraged me to talk to someone but iIm not sure if i can do that after all these years. Any advice welcome. I have tried to forget this or at least suppress it but it is becomingly increasingly difficult and occupies a lot of my thoughts.

  14. Heather McDermid says:

    I’ve been seeking a qualified therapist for some years but find it difficult due to insurance (and many providers not accepting insurance) and due to distrust of therapists because of one I went to for several years starting sixteen years ago. She had a great deal of control over me, imposed her Christian and personal values on me, and devalued my childhood trauma…as though it didn’t happen – or I just needed to get over it.

    During my childhood I was severely physically and emotionally abused by a step-mother for ten years. I was also abused by my father and, after his divorce to my step-mother, neglected to such an extent that I was left at times with no food or caregiver for months on end. In my early twenties, when verbalizing my mistreatment, I was told I was a bitch and making things up. My father then went on to isolate me from the rest of my family and has them believing I’m the one who “mistreated” him. During the times he left me, I was molested by a friend’s father.

    There were other abusers as well; but the extent of physical abuse by my step-mother would, today, put such an abuser in prison.

    Now, I’m 46 and think about suicide several times a day. I couldn’t go through with it as I have a beautiful, sweet, and cherished sixteen-year-old boy to keep safe. However, I can’t go on feeling this way…which feelings have seemed to grow worse these last two years. Other than my son, I can’t maintain/sustain friendships/relationships. I struggle at work because I get extreme anxiety whenever I feel that I’ve done something wrong, or someone is upset with me. Handling a confrontation is terrifying. I just want to come home from work each day and die. I keep praying to win the lottery so that I don’t have to interact with anyone due to the overwhelming anxiety and depression I feel.

    Past friendships and relationships, looking back, have been somewhat abusive. So eventually I learned to just maintain my distance from people and not get too close.

    I just need help…or something. I don’t know where to turn anymore.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      I know you had a bad experience with a therapist but we would highly recommend professional help. If you use one of our search facilities, you will be able to see which insurance each therapist takes. Alternatively contact your insurance company and ask for a list of approved therapists in your area. Then its just a case of making appointments with a few to decide if you can work with them. Don’t just plumb for the first one, shop around, its an important decision. Finding someone you feel comfortable with is really important.

      Good luck.

  15. Sudeept says:

    Hi
    i am at india
    How can i join you and move towards a new better future?

  16. Mags Goode says:

    I was abused as a child from a guy who lived in my Hometown where I grew up. All went to court I was about 8 20 years later I got a knock at my door from cid God I felt sick . He Reoffered I was an emotinal wreck but I was strong and got through it without support. I’ve had major relationship probs. . Too been beat up by my first husband. . Why all I want is someone too hold me and say everything will be OK. . But I got through it . Now this is a biggy my current relationship is in turmoil. . My bf took advantage while I was on sleeping tablets he raped me without my consent wat he did not know I was also abused by my brother as a child I have hid this secret for years until now. . I don’t blame my partner but I do . He’s scared like me . He knows it can seriously affect our relationship. I love him too bits I trying so hard too keep it together. But I can’t I need help . Yes it’s classed as rape but also he did not know!! I want our relationship too work and get all the support I Need. .. I don’t want too lose him he’s my life and more

  17. Jus says:

    Hi I really don’t know what else to do Iam a mother to a lovely 22 year old son who last year told me that he had been raped and numerous other terrible things by his dad and his friends at the age of 6/7. The dad died 14 year ago so we know there’s nothing can be done about him. We reported the others including a girlfriend of the dad police traced her but unfortunately can’t find any of the others. She hasn’t been arrested yet as my son hasn’t made his full statement yet he isn’t in a strong enough place to do this yet so police have put it on hold for the time being until he’s ready. He is in a very low place at the moment had tried to commit suicide once but was found but now he has suicidal thoughts most days. He goes for counselling weekly but doesn’t really like it. I just really don’t know what else to do or where to turn. Thankyou

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thats incredibly sad. When you say he doesn’t ‘like’ counselling, do you mean he is emotionally drained at the end of it and finds it a mental exertion – a bit like some people don’t like running even though it is good for them physically. In fact, I’m not sure many people like counselling. It is a necessary evil that, although incredibly painful, is incredibly important. Can you convince him to join our forum and chat to other survivors? Hearing their experiences might help convince him he isn’t alone and in fact ‘hating’ therapy is part of the process too.

  18. nyah says:

    hi
    i desperately need to deal with my past. how can i communicate with you privately

  19. Chywade says:

    I’m a survivor of child abuse at every level, just coming out of high school I’ve never really told any one it was always a secret in our house hold which means I never gotten any help from a counselor I’ve looked to church but that doesn’t help, some how when I turned 14 I converted to cutting to ease the pain only problem is here I am at 19 and still cutting I guess the real question I am trying to ask is when does it end. Some times the flash backs are so horrible I even can’t stand to be a live. Sometimes I wish some one knew what I was feeling, child abuse has caused me to have social issues and relationship issues i don’t even have friends because most people probably thinks I’m weird. It feels like I’m all alone

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      You are definitely not alone! Its a sad indictment that there are so many of us but our forums have over three thousand members. If you havent done so already, I’d thoroughly recommend joining so that you can become part of the growing community of survivors that care, support and guide one another.

    • Webster says:

      Hello Chywade, fortunately you’re not alone… I did find that when I had that sense of utter isolation I too felt frightened. Some of the steps I took to begin what was a slow but gratifying recovery process was learning through a lot of reflection upon internal values. The grey areas in life, the value added ways I was taught to accept I cut out n decided to only begin to evaluate myself and engage with the clear cut black and white, accept or reject, like and dislike thinking about the ways of societies behavioural propensities that I was struggling with and others seemingly didn’t, but then not everyone else has their development sabotaged by severe abuse. The upshot was I redefined my mind and feelings by looking at WHY I was hurting aside from the obvious – those things screamed n hammered into us do go deep, they need untangling with the rationale gleaned from reflecting on your internal values as we’re all born equal in the eyes of creation. If you think you’re crazy think to yourself I’ve intelligence and that’s why I’m feeling crazy as a dullard couldn’t think up the mechanics of wanting to begin to feel that which is just out of sight around the corner. Define yourself and evaluate your perception about who you believe you to be and any ugly feelings assign to the thinking faculty in your head and keep asking WHY and you’ll maybe not find forgiveness for the perpetrators of your toxic upbringing but you will understand that as yourself it is possible to choose self nurture talk to begin a deeper recovery. And remember we have internal seasons as the climate has seasons, maybe your in the bleakness of winter n moving towards the new growth of spring. I hope when you reach the abundance of summer you’ll have found more friends. Friends you can accept as being acceptable as friends because you can employ your internal values in deciding who you want for a friend. Yours is my first reply n I’ve yet learn how to write my help box to hear support.

  20. Jacbot says:

    Hello, I am glad I have found this site where I can find understanding for my experiences. I am also middle aged and have fought rather unsuccessfully to deal with my huge anger.

  21. rachel Pearson says:

    Hi. Im new here. My name is rachel 52yrs old happily married 3grown children. Up until 20yrs age was regularly lashed with a cane, beaten up, inappropriate behavoiur etc by father. Mother ignored all this as it was ‘ my fault for being an evil child’. I thought id forgiven them as I have regular contact (although no close relationship) with parents. However we now have a young 20yr old lad staying with us through a homeless charity who has been abused by his family. I feel im ‘betraying’this lad by allowing an ‘abuser’ into my home. I dont know how to handle this (young lad feels uncomfortable around my dad-just ‘picked up’ vibes!). Should I stop my parents coming round? Ive no idea how I could even say that to them. Any suggestions?

  22. brenda says:

    i am a 51 now and was a child of sexual abuse from 7,8,9 by one of my mothers boyfriends and she let it happen how can i get the nightmares out so my head so my boyfriend dose not have to feel bad can any one give me suggestions

  23. Jenny James says:

    Hello. I am subscriber 888 and i am a survivor of child abuse. Just this year the man who violated me as a child had an amber alert issued on him for his girlfriend and her three kids one of which is his and her son. Her 10 year old daughter was a victim of his. I felt so guilty because i never told. This happened to me 25 years ago. I facebooked him and told him that i knew there was some sort of misunderstanding. I lied with every bit of me about how i knew him and about how everything would work itself out. Despite having not seen him in over 20 years. I told him he could bring the kids to my house and drop them off. That i would give them a head start before calling the marshalls. Anyways he ended up turning over the children and himself in. After only a couple days. I felt so guilty. Like it was my fault for not saying something back when i was a child.

  24. Rochel says:

    Hi, glad I finally found the courage to check out the page. I’d like to say Im doing okay and I feel I am but obviously there are ups and downs. I’ve been back in a depression lately, extremely difficult. I was abused emotionally and physically until 27 years old and sexually at 9 years old and again at 13. Im not really sure if it continued all those years or if it was two separate instances. I started blogging about my experiences and Id really like to video my story but that will take time. My blog is resilientnstrong.com

  25. Sandra Hall says:

    Just wanted to say hello and connect with like minded people.
    Thank you all for sharing.

  26. Agustina says:

    Hello. Firstly, thank you for sharing your stories and freeing your secrets. Thank you as well for providing this safe place to express ourselves.

    I am now 34. I suffered sexual abuse from my 3 eldest brothers (there are 2 more and I am the youngest). I honestly believe that we have all been victims. With each of them the situations were different. Adding the events up, I was abused since I was 3 and I managed to put an end to it at the age of 15. With the 2 eldest, the abuse didn’t last long, it stopped when I was about 5 or 6. But with my other brother, the “games” got nastier and there was penetration.

    The toughest part for me is not the sexual abuse, but feeling so left alone since that young and the absolute lack of care that I experienced.

    Today, my therapist suggests that I speak to my parents. The main reason would be to free myself from the secret and to stop carrying this heavy load on my own (afterall, it is a family secret and the package will be lighter if we split it evenly). I agree with her and, in adittion, I intend to talk to them with love, letting them know that my only purpuse is to put an end to this secret that is torturing me and to transform this experience so that my life may finally begin.

    My big question mark is if my parents will be able to take it. They are on their 70s. What if something happens to them? I wouldn’t want to feel guilty about that too. (To this, my therapists added “Are you saying that at the age of 3 you were stronger than your parents at their 70s?”. Again, I see her point… still… what if…?). I fear they will be devastated.

    I would be very thankful if anyone would like to comment on this. Thank you for your time. Blessings to you all.

    Agustina (Argentina)

  27. Jaqueline says:

    Hi my name is jackie 19years old.
    Well my story is long & i know i may be late on this but i am ready to be heard and hope to see my abuser will get what he deserves.
    I was sexually abused at age 5 never spoke up until age 9 to a friend. She told her family and her family told police i was asked questions but was scared to answer. Since my abuser was family i thought i would be in so much trouble if he went to jail as the cops told me that ” if this is true he will go away to prison” so i said no that i lied because of fear.
    At age 16 i told my mom my cuzins my sister etc etc nobody believed me all thought i was crazy or it was unbelievable to them it hurt me so much i started smoking cutting myself ditching school it RUINED ME. but now years later my family supports me and apologized for there mistakes and they are ready to also help to see if we can do anything for this abuser to get his punishment.
    Fyi my abuser is an uncle he has 1daughter 1son and another on the way. I fear that he may do the same to his children and i am positive his wife doesn’t even know what type of man she married! A RAPIST A CHILD RAPIST!!! It pisses me off hes happy with his life as i still struggle with my own.
    For his fault im afraid to trust
    to be alone around people i do not know i can’t even work for god sake ive broken down so manytimes in work 🙁 till this day.
    I am engaged but i do still push my fiancé away during sex i cry and beg for him to stop.
    I know its to late for anything to happen to my abuser but i want help! Im ready to fix myself i want to do better!

  28. Chinese burns from my mother caused JRA to trigger in my right wrist. Anyone else believe their abuse turned into an an autoimmune disease? Scleroderma is my diagnosis. JRA is Juvenille Rheumatoid Arthritis.

  29. Alison suggitt says:

    Hello I’m Allie
    let me first start by telling you all how scared, that I am right know,
    posting this up on here . And for the first time, in 40 years,
    I’m confronting my past demons or ghosts,
    well I live in the UK I have two children aged 21 and 24 and I’m married to a wonderful doctor who fan -geek
    I like reading. writing. hiking and culture.

    my first early memory of childhood abuse,is when I was around 2 years old,
    give or take.
    This is wear my first experience of anxiety began.
    The feeling of confusion, that something is wrong, but you don’t have the knowledge of what is going on.
    This feeling of neglect was a constant worry and lead to insecurities
    that I still have today.
    I often wander how on earth that I survived my childhood into adulthood at all.
    my scars were visible, not just on the emotional side, but on the out ward appearance,which really didn’t help getting an identity.
    I had constant facial bruising and lumps over my head
    that I felt the need to cover up.
    so spent my whole life wearing heavy thick ,make up ,
    to hide my scars from the world.
    my father had sexually,emotional, physically abused me.
    for 16 years of deep pain, that, I would then spend another
    30 years running from and not excepting it .but I am know and that’s what counts.

    For me my biggest and most troubled of problem wash touch.
    if anyone touched me I would scream, and not stop crying.
    This has been for me the most horrible memory, that I would like to still, overcome.
    it has caused so many problems in relationships building friends, and just fitting into society.
    I still get spooked if someone touches me that I don’t already know.
    I feel very much ashamed of this, because I know that I can cause offences to others, that are trying to be kind but don’t know how to deal with it.

    I only ever feel truly save around my husband sisters and my darling children .
    It’s my biggest drawback that stops me getting on and achieving in the world.
    I want to be a career women,I’M emotional very Strong and tough headed.

    books for me our a peaceful heaven. it helps me to identify with others and gives me new dreams and hopes, with out all those wonderful Authors that I pay an anonymous tribute to my life would still very much so be buried deep in depression.

    I am proud of myself for overcoming so much just the small basic things that people take so much for granted.
    so dear loved ones keep moving on fix your eyes to the sky
    and don’t let yourselves be discourage
    thank you for readying
    how it helps someone xx Allie
    please feel free to email me.

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