Abuse

Abuse

Every waking moment.
I had to be concerned
no its actually more like
o b s e s s e d.
With her mood or frame of mind
Was she happy and maybe
that day would be calmer. Safe.
OR
Was the lava surging gushing out
Off the tongue slicing through my mind
and my everything, mentally shredding me to bits
BEFORE
the slap, the fingernails drawing blood
and all my childhood treasures being
smashed, kidnapped or even burned…
Could I muster the act again?
The perfect shocked innocent child
Just silent, still, watching for it to pass…
and afterward reassuring her calmer side
That it was okay. I love you Mommy.
The best clue it was coming was the LOOK.
It flashed in her eyes like lightning and I KNEW
Not to run. Just close my eyes and HOLD ON.
When that’s your life, when that’s all you know
When they have impunity and total control,
You never tell. That would certainly be an
Unthinkable end. You just master it inside.
Knowing that one day you’ll be free. Maybe.
But never really quite free after all.
And until then you just learn how to act on
The stage which is your face. You perfect it.
You learn to hide yourself. And let the ACTOR
Take the stage and make it okay.
Here she comes again! Showtime.
And then the second longer stage.
In fact, the tougher one. Once your life
Isnt
control freaked,
dictated,
micromanaged
Owned.
You have this eternally long tunnel of
Freedom. But you are in a void.
The MONSTER that gave you purpose
Is no more. Abandoned you. Leaving
Never thinking once about you. Only ever them.
Your framework collapses.
You survived. Great. Now what?!
You wander. For years. Lost. Exhausted.
You wonder. WHAT just happened? WHY
did she have me? WHY didn’t I just die?
WHO am I other than a
VICTIM?
You now have to walk out of the concentration camp.
And start over…
Nobody will ever understand or get you. Not really.
They werent made to be o b s e s s e d to survive.
They didnt die a little more inside every damn day.
You simply have to pick up your broken pieces
and move on without comfort, solace, strength
And find your way.
Reinvent. Heal. Create out of nothing.
And HOPE you won’t repeat the cycle one
fine day when YOU get control of another.
You hope that will be the end of the
Abuse.
© 2023 Scott Womack. All Rights Reserved.