EVERY PERSON HAS A STORY – Tarese’s story
I just wanted to reach out and write this blog for HAVOCA.
I am an adult survivor of Childhood abuse. I suffered extreme depression, I was a self-harmer, and I suffered from an eating disorder. I never thought hope was possible, I never thought I would be able to live a normal life, or even achieve any dreams. I started my journey of healing quite a number of years ago. It has taken me many years to begin to find hope and to achieve some healing in my life. I never thought it would be possible, but I have. I have come through the other side and proven to others and more importantly myself that it is possible.
I want to speak out about what happened. I no longer want to be silent. I want my story to encourage others. I know all too well what it’s like to be in a dark place, to believe there is no hope. I want to be able to encourage those who are still in a dark place, who still struggle. That it is possible. Yes, it is alot of work and it is hard. But it is so worth it. If I can encourage but one person with my story, then it will be worth it.
Thank you for reading.
Regards,
Tarese
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I was raped and abused between the age of 5 to 8 I tried telling my parents once but wasn’t believed ,life was hell as a child and I never told anybody until I was 21,long storey but now aged 53 November I finally got justice and my abuser got sentenced 13 years after growing up made to feel worthless and ashamed so my way of proving to myself that I’m strong and am a surviver is having my storey printed in a magazine plus I’m hoping to get closure from it
When I was a small child I was badly abused
Nobody ever knew or was slightly moved
So I just had to live with being regularly abused
I lost my childhood it turned so sour,so when I was
Little I thought about him so many hours
I became a challenge and was so misunderstood
Because in everybody’s eyes I could never be any good
Tears often running down my face because I was made
To feel I’m a total disgrace and not fit to live
In the human race
Even now I remember the hurt and the pain
I tried telling you once mum but it was in vein
So some days I felt a burning passion,some days so sad
Some days an eternal rage just like an animal wounded
And trapped in a cage
Mum now you’ve passed away I do think of you nearly
Everyday,why when you used to hear me cry
Why the hell didn’t you ever ask me why
Now after all these years it’s finally out in the open
I’ve no idea what I should be hoping
Maybe relief and hopefully lots of inner peace
Now that I feel able to turn a new leaf
Mum passed away with out so much as a sorry
Soon it,l be dads turn and will be the same storey
Having warped humours been my way of getting through
Most days
Still being able to love,laugh and have a giggle
Even when I’ve found it hard to be civil
Now s my chance to repay the man that made me
As a child think I should be ashamed
Not anymore I don’t feel ashamed
Now I’m just so angry and want the evil basted named
Maybe I’m doing this wrong,but I still want to prove
To everybody that I’m still strong
He may have caused me a lot of upset in the past
But I need to show him it will not last
I’m waiting to hear if there,l be a court date
And hoping that will deal him his fete
The thought of hearing his voice and seeing him
Again,I know will make me shake with rage
And again feel all that pain
But I’m determined to make him pay
For having to think about him nearly every day
If this ends up in court
I’m not sure I,l be brave enough in front of other
People to talk
But I know I have to do the right thing
To get my dignity back again
I want to be able to walk away
Feeling peace and happier on the day
I hope reading this gives some hope to others that have been in the same situation
No longer a victim just feels so great
Knowing my childhood rapist has finally met his fete
My biggest regret is taking so long
But it’s such a great feeling
Knowing in the end I won
Now this is finally over
I feel empowered becoming a surviver
Now once again I’m strong and free
So can now go back to what I do best
And that’s just being me
I have to make myself tell my story and the words are so difficult to come out. I’ve always just done what I had to do to survive and never really looked back. My abuse started around age 3. I was starved and locked in rooms which I only have flashbacks of. Me and my little brother were made to do horrific things. There’s flashbacks I don’t understand and feelings I can’t comprehend. Finally at 5 I told my preschool teachers who would sit me on there lap and rock me. I always denied everything and I remember the feeling of fear I had. I remember how my step mom told everyone what a bad child I was and I remember thinking I deserved it and she just loved me and was trying to fix me. I loved her and wanted to be good. I was removed from the home first leaving my 2 brothers. I had visits every other weekend with her and my dad who were now even more mad at me. I don’t remember my dad doing the abuse he worked on the road and was gone 2-3 weeks at a time. When he was home it was different or I had always done something wrong to be grounded and he never questioned it and he always commented how me and my brother ate so much of his famous fried potatoes. It’s always hurt me that he didn’t help me. The first 6 months in foster care. She started targeting my brother more and I felt the guilt I couldn’t protect him but he eventually got removed from the home and placed with me the bahns because she bite his arm. For 2 years following this we both did weekend visits with her and dad. It was always my fault we couldn’t be with her and dad. There was still 2 more brothers living in the household. I was always the bad child who slept in a attic type room with just a bed and storage like room while they had a play room and nice bedroom. I learned to anticipate and do or say what made people like me. During the week I was 1 person and with her I was another. Finally her and my dad split and he moved states away without saying goodbye and the visits ended around age 8 and she managed to get my brother back. The bahns adopted me and I no longer seen her other then around the small town we lived in. She had my 4 brothers and she used them against me. I just wanted her approval and love. The next few years were my happiest and there was no contact between any of us. Around 11 my dad returned in my life. He was so angry at me and he hated my new mama and papa and did whatever to make them miserable. He’d show up drunk at our house screaming and yelling at the bahns but he was always made to leave and it was never talked about. They always said we didn’t have to like him but we had to love him through god. And then in June the year I turned 13. The day was the turning point of my life. We were to go to town and me being a sassy teenage girl demanding I was old enough to stay home was left home. And it was what felt like hours later when the police car showed up and asked if my foster sister there daughter was home and I said I could call her at a friends. She got home minutes after and they sat us down and said a truck driver had hit them and they instantly died. My life felt over.
Glad you get over trauma and is wonderful you want to help others.Keep going and take care!
Thankyou,I stayed silent all those years and now it’s out in the open I feel kind of a relief if that makes sence