First Step

First Step

first step havoca mazeYou may be feeling lost. You may be wondering how to start. Don’t worry, you’ve already taken the first step. As survivors, we know how hard it can be to take the first step on the road to recovery but believe us when we say, this is the first step, you’ve taken it, you’ve found us, and you are starting to navigate through the maze. We’ll be here every step of the way. Take it at your own pace and browse through these pages.

The site has been laid out into specific areas in an effort to categorise pages or information into a semblance of order.  By categorising the information we are not trying to dictate how you read the information or suggest only certain types of information are applicable to you.  This would be highly presumptuous, shortsighted and misleading.

Use our search facility on the menu bar to find specifics or feel free to browse through the site and read what seems appropriate.  Each survivor’s situation is different and therefore your recovery will be unique to you. Use this site as a guide and interpret what it means to you, at this time in your journey.

There is never any pressure! Take your time, make notes, keep a journal and perhaps share your experience of this site with other survivors on our forums.

Use the menu on the right to navigate this section.

122 Responses to First Step

  1. carolyn mcauley says:

    my abusive parent saw a post on a public site after i saw a trigger and wrote about it. i was threatened with a court case for slander,with no admission i spoke the truth….all the sense of injustice rolled in and i became aware…the damage was in fact repeating thirty years later…so here i am looking for support

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Welcome to the site. I hope you’ve found our forums, so that you can share your expereinces with others.

      These pages are packed full of useful information and can help establish you on a path to recovery from the past.

      Our past does not have to define us.

      • Leslie Aronsohn says:

        If I were to share my story, it would go on and on and on: there has been so much abuse, nobody deserves abuse but I especially never deserved the abuse, from multiple family members and the physical abuse, the emotional and verbal abuse, sexual abuse, then I had to turn around and take care of my abusers for the last 15 years, then my narcissist abusive thieving brother came in… Well I can’t even go into it now but as it stands, my mother had a slight accident in January of 2015 and was to be in physical therapy for 2 weeks, and he still has not let her home, my disabled sister who I’ve been taking care of for 15 years plus, yet he is going on Facebook and says that it’s been him, he has also left her in a temporary Rehabilitation facility and not let her home for over a year, he has trashed their apartment, he is using my mother’s disability, my sister’s disability, his disability, he’s receiving checks, family members are sending him money, and he’s working… And the only comfort I had was my dog, who died of a sudden heart attack a few months ago, and my brother is so controlling and all my money is gone because these people, my family stole it from me they ruined my credit and I found out on Saturday my brother has not been paying maintenance on these apartments that we live in in this building and now I have no place to live. So all I have to look forward to in the near future is the death of my mother and living in the streets and I can’t take it anymore. All I’ve been is good and honest, I don’t know what he’s told extended family members from aunts to cousins to mutual friends, but if he’s on the phone with them and I’m around he tells them he’ll call them later or removes himself away from me… They don’t acknowledge me, ever, not a birthday greeting, not that there sorry I lost my dog, not one single member of my family or mutual friend wants anything to do with me, so I’ve grown used to sitting here 7 days a week 24 hours a day not being spoken to , I have gone down below a hundred pounds… nobody in my life ever heard a complaint from me, I spent my life protecting and covering up for the abusers, they only heard from me when I was trying to get my mom out of the home when she was discharged, who knew that they would all turn on me and not believe me? And I have heard him, my brother, sometimes because he gets lazy and his lies are all over the place . And the people that do know, they are in shock that I cannot reach out to my younger brother , who is a politician, but he’s made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with any of this . Guess what? I want nothing to do with any of this but I got stuck in all of this . I can’t stop crying at the moment, I know I didn’t deserve all this, but that’s it for now. Thank you for your time.

        • Don Stephens says:

          Love you and keep going I was where you were at and yes sex has been an issue and I struggle with it , or lack of t have turned my partners off after 4 years
          so its always work as for where to lve just ask many of us have room

      • Jossi says:

        Well here’s some of my story. It’s going to come in bits and pieces. I’m very stressed over the memories so I don’t really know where to begin.

        I was labeled very early in life (maybe around 4) as there just being something wrong with me. That horrible feeling only got worse as I grew older.

        My mother was physically abusive towards me, I think that’s where so much of this started.

        I think I had ADHA as a child, but in the 70s it wasn’t diagnosed. I could never sit still in class in 1st grade, I don’t know why. I just felt like I had to much energy.

        I guess the school notified my mother that I (wasn’t behaving) so she had her own way of dealing with me.

        Normally I would have walked home from the bus stop to my home with my older brother. He had been sick so he stayed at home that day. I walked down the street and there was my mother standing inside the garage door with her arms folded. The expression on her face was different, her whole body language was different but I was about 6-7 so I didn’t realize something was wrong. I was happy to see her, aren’t all kids happy to see their mother? She took me inside without saying a word to me. She sat down in a chair near the wall and that’s when I started feeling uncomfortable. I began to take off my backpack with feeling of fear that I didn’t understand. As soon as my backpack was off she grabbed me, pulled me over her lap and began to beat me. I pulled away and rolled onto the floor. I can’t remember the beating really. I know I kept trying to get to the stairs to get away from her, I know she hit every part of my body.

        My next clear memory is me standing in the middle of my bedroom, my whole body hurt and I was traumatized. My right arm hurt terribly, I think I had tried to defend myself. I just stood in the center of my room crying. I didn’t understand what had happened.

        I found out later that afternoon it had something to do with school, I assume was because I couldn’t sit still.

        After that evetfot worse. I was terrified of school, what would happen to me. I was so ashamed that I never told anyone back then. I started having nightmares that my mother was a monster. I constantly locked my bedroom door to keep her out. My father fixed that, he changed the doorknob so I would never be able to lock it again. That made me more anxious as I saw more of my mothers anger. She used to pound her fists on the walls so hard I thought she would break the walls.

        I was afraid of school and afraid of her.

        I thought my father would protect me. I woke up one night hearing my mother screaming and crying about how she was going to lock me in a dark closet, my father kept saying no. I don’t know if I slept that night, I think I just cried.

        School was always the enemy, I thought it was the reason my mother was always angry. I saw every teacher as my enemy, I had to protect myself from them. I couldn’t learn anything because I was so afraid all the time. So I stayed silent about all the horrors.

        Turns out while my mother was breaking my body and my mind that my father was spending time in hotel rooms with his secretary (16 years younger than him) and after 2nd grade we left the only place I ever knew to move into 2 small houses. In my mothers house I had my own bedroom, finally had a lock on the door again. Turns out I wasn’t any safer.

        School was horrible, like all schools I was afraid of the teacher; with good reason, she went out of her way to humiliate me and even assaulted me in class.
        The 1st time she went after me, a new boy was handing our registration forms for Boy Scouts. He was new so I guess he put one on my desk by mistake. One of the boys who didn’t get a form said he was missing one, since it was on my desk she thought I stole it (I’m a girl so why would I?) but she didn’t believe me. She yelled at me and called me a liar.

        I didn’t know what to say or do, but my mother and father has convinced me that teachers were always right so I did nothing.

        Shortly after that she became violent towards me, she grabbed me by one hand on the front of my jacket and pulled me up out of my chair. She accused me of chewing on the strings on my jacket hood, which I hadn’t even been doing. Eventually she let go and I melted into my chair, crying from the humiliation. I never said anything to my mother or father about it.

        By then my father had married his secretary who had her own daughter. They both were very cruel to me, I didn’t realize it at the time but his new wife,Vicki, had real problems. She and my father were alcoholics and the more she drank the meaner she got.

        I wasn’t safe anywhere. At school I was bullied and pushed around by an older girl who called me (4 eyes) since I wore glasses. At my mothers house I never knew what would set her off, at my fathers house it was worse; his wife was so angry and said the most awful things. She convinced me that I was stupid while my father finished another bottle of wine. Everywhere I went another person was the enemy.

        I guess by then someone noticed I was depressed (or so they thought) and sent in this jackass school psychologist who made things worse. I missed class so I could sit with this idiot who kept asking me if my fathers wife (Vicki) went shopping with my mother. He was an ass.

        I got back to class long enough to barely find out what the homework was, but since I hadn’t been in class I didn’t know how to do any of it.

        Then I got sent home with a note saying I didn’t do my homework. My mother would hit me and back at school the next day they sent me back to that jackass psychologist. Missed class, you get the idea.

        It went like that for a while until my father made it worse.

        I’m going to stop here. I think that helped a little.

        I’ve got so many stories and I hope anyone else go reads this will try to talk to me. I need to talk to other survivors, so please just say hi. I need to know others understand what happened to me.

    • helelene says:

      Get a lawyer and look into a restraining order. I confronted my sexual abusing father and told him in front of a police witness that if he ever came near me, or harmed anyone in front of me I would “Kill Him”. I said you have been tarasoffed. The peace I had for 30 years was unbelievable, I also just wrote to him and told him that I I had never been able to tell him I loved him because I was so shut down and could never be the daughter I wanted, although I did not have to do these things and others in the support group I was in chose other methods I had to tell him, I had to overcome my fear of men, and own my inner power… These actions transformed my life , but now that I am older I have no family and I am rejected by my entire family. Prior to confronting my father my sister confided in me that he abused her in the same way. She killed her self 10 yard ago. My youngest sister is living with a child pedophile. I have much healing to do as I have picked abusive men, but I have some wonderful people in my life. I am new to this site and wish love and light to everyone here. Unfortunately these abusers are bullies and they now have bully camps for middle school kids who start abusing others. I had to take my father and confront him like he was a bully, it really helped me as I never allow anyone to abuse me in anyway EVER. It has been the greatest gift of my life, to know I can create this for myself and help others. xoxoxoxo, helene

    • Liz says:

      Sound like my situation hun x

    • Aundrea says:

      Hello everyone, I’m so glad I stummpled across this site. I have been abused since the age of 3 , now I’m 35 with 3 beautiful kids of my own, I’m finally ready to seek help so I can take back control of my life.

    • John says:

      Hi my name is John .I was sexually abused by two males fromthe age of 9,the CPS wouldn’t take it on because not enough evidence so now I’m in court for section 18 with intent on one of those males they told me to expect 12 to 15 months in prison ,where is the justice

      • Helen says:

        John, so sorry and no justice ! I’ve just been told the same from police. CPS said not enough evidence as some of my family won’t talk. So angry and want to get revenge on the man who took my childhood. Hope they understand why you did what you had to do.

    • Dede says:

      God Bless you. I have suffered in silence and walked around with all this emotional garbage I never knew how to handle and was conditioned to never talk about it. Most everyone else went into denial and turned to alcohol and drug to cope with it.

      You have a right to have a voice, be heard, feelings honored and validated, know you are not alone, and are more normal than you have any right to be (lol this is what I tell myself).

      There just comes a point when enough is enough and boundaries have to me established and harshly enforced. the only reason your parent brought up the court case was to threaten you, which in itself is another way to scare and intimidate you. Don’t let that stop you from getting the help and support you need and deserve!!!

      Unfortunately no one can help us but ourselves so we have to be our own advocates, and learn to parent ourselves to give ourselves the love, attention, affection, validation, and kindness our parents and family either couldn’t, or didn’t. think of them as someone with a terminal illness and feel sorry for them because no one in their right mind would have done or said those things to us.

      God Bless and all the Best!

      -Dede Daisey

  2. les ravenhill says:

    I have just remembered some horrific abuse I suffered as a child and pubesant teenager and not sure what to do with all this stuff reappearing any help please

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry to hear that and I can only imagine the horrors you must be dealing with right now. Your first port of call should be at HAVOCA’s First Step section. This guides you through options that are available to you as a victim/survivor.

      The first few days/weeks and months can be the most harrowing. I recommend you take a look at joining the HAVOCA Survivor Forums; there are hundreds of other survivors on their offering each other support and guidance.

    • Cathy says:

      Hello…As a victim of childhood abuse myself, it is important to know that you should truly seek professional help. I thought that I had gotten over everything that I had gone through as a child until I began abusing my own child. I protected my child at all cost from sexual abuse but didn’t realize that I had began physically abusing my child trying to keep them in line. I had been raised to believe that spanking a child was the Godly way until I accidentally swung a purse at my 10year old for not doing what I had told him. When I swung the purse I had no idea that they were holding breakables in their hand that broke and the child were cut in the face. I love my child to death and would do anything to protect him but I had to realize that I had to deal with my abuse first. While i don’t know if you have children or not is irrelevant, I do know that you have to deal with your anger and hurt first. You are no good to anyone else if you are broken yourself. Professional help is the only way to go…Cathy

      • Zyla says:

        I am 45 and have abused my adult children for many years by allowing them to abuse me and not hold them accountable for their deplorable actions, etc. Too many details to type but I can totally see how being sexually/physically abused as a child can spill over into owns very own parenting choices and behaviors. I just wish I would of recognized my issues sooner before creating adult dependency with my own children. It’s a real struggle and I pray for healing and closure of sorts.

  3. Fiona Annette Davis says:

    I was abused at the age of 10 back in Ireland by three local boys and following that was regularly targeted by another group of local boys for a few months! At 15 my friends father began to take an interest in me and eventually brought me over here to London where he made me pregnant and then chucked me out at 2 in the morning with a 10 day old baby

  4. Fiona Annette Davis says:

    In the last few years I have had to return to Ireland to appear at two court cases related to this man. He`d been abusing his youngest child so that brought it all back again! I have since found out that he has abused all of his children!

  5. KENNYMACK says:

    Hi I am a first time user in his 40’s after years of hiding away at last I am seeking help for male survivors of CSA and hope to get help from this forum

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thanks for posting a comment on the site.

      To join the forum please visit this link.

    • Pr.Timothy Slutter Sr. says:

      Hi Kennewick, I understand your need to hear from other men that have survived CSA. I am 55 and have been in intensive therapy for 12 years. I am fortunate that I am a father and a grandfather and have not continued the abuse. I would love to see if I can be of any help. I am a minister now and specialize in helping folks with all kinds of problems. Past and present. Let me know timtruck44@yahoo.com

  6. Paul Sherman says:

    I have had some issues during my adult life due to a horrible childhood. I was abused by my Adoptive Mother after them taking me in when I was 3 years old. She had many issues and was abused herself. When I didn’t bond with her or call her “mommy’ she only got angered. I was removed from a violent environment with my biological family, so I was already showing signs of fearfulness and trust issues. I was taken from my adoptive home at 9 years old after setting a fire and doing minor vandalism things in the neighborhood. I was Diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder and Depression. Their right were terminated and I continued in State Homes. They tried a couple of Foster Families but unfortuneately had trouble adjusting. I was being molested by an EMT/Cop who was a friend of the family. I also was raped at 11 while a runaway from one of the State Homes. I won’t go on with my whole childhood but by 18 had moved 60 times and did well well in the safety of the State Homes but struggled in the couple of families. I experienced issues of people pushing boundaries even in my early adult life. I have basically been on my own in this world trying to make a life for myself. I blame myself for so much and really haven’t dealt with the sexual abuse, I’m embarrassed to talk about it. I tried figuring out the name of one individual but never followed through. I ended up setting another fire after begging my State Worker to get me out. He said give it more time. I was afraid to tell anyone, I loved the family and just wasn’t mature enough or have the insight to the situation. I clearly have many regrets. The persons wife told the Police because of a Divorce issue but when they came to talk to me they intimidated me, I was also worried about being made fun of by the kids in the home. Where kids can be brutal. The whole incident started when I had a rash in my groin area, despite e being uncomfortable showing him, telling him I could put stuff on myself, he used his EMT experience as a reason why he should. I’m sorry for going on so long, I could say so much more but I have nobody in my life and have had too many highs and lows, I need to get it out and deal with it. Thank you for listening.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing Paul. I agree with you that getting things out there and dealing with it is the right thing to do, but I also know and acknowledge how hard that can be. I cant recommend our forums enough, it will give you the opportunity to share with others, anonymously and at your own pace. You can find them here: http://www.havoca.org/resources/forum

  7. kurt says:

    When I was about 3 to 4 years of age my father would take me into the restroom and tape my foreskin back with the old white medical tape. I then would get an erection and it would tear the skin. this went on every day. for months on end. I know that he done this to help my foreskin to stay back, because my family had a big argument about should I be circumcised or not. I wasn’t. Yet the trauma has affected my sexual well being all through my life. To this day I can’t go a day with out toying with it. Some times I feel like cutting it off. I feel like a pervert. And I feel that this is holding me back from living a fuller life.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing your horrific story.

      Dealing with childhood trauma can be a daunting task but reaching out is a really brave first step.

      Like any type of trauma it is important you get the right help. In the first instance we would always recommend seeking professional help, this can be backed up with hunting for information, trying to decipher which bits apply to you and then using the therapy and the information to build a road map for recovery. Its a painful task and isn’t always straight forward but it can be done. You might also like to consider sharing some or all of your story on our forums.

      Good luck with the journey.

  8. paul says:

    after being abused at the age of 11 I kept this a to myself for 40 years not telling anyone. after I had a break down and ended up in hospital when my breakdown was happening I told my daughter about the abuse. after 1 year and a great deal of thinking I reported my abuser to the police its been 1 year since I reported him and the police have arrested him. the case has now gone to to cps so now its a waiting game to see if they are going to prosecute. since I have reported my abuser I haven’t had any support from my faimley its seems to me that they are thinking ive made it up any feedback to where I can get some support thankyou

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thank you for your comment. Reporting an abuser is a tough and brave choice. I hope CPS are able to prosecute and give you the closure you need. Support is available professionally through the Association of Child Abuse Lawyers who can be found here: http://www.childabuselawyers.com/

      Alternatively, psychological support really depends on your needs and aspirations. Our forums might be a good place to start (http://www.havoca.org/resources/forum) or if you would like one to one advice/support the National Association for People Abused in Childhood have a support hotline (details can be found here: http://napac.org.uk/

      Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. If you need anymore help/direction then feel free to contact us.

      • M.R.H please leave your comment here. says:

        I would like to know how I can contact you on-line and talk about the abuses suffered in my family from my youth and the abuses I suffered being a homeless person.

  9. giao says:

    I don’t know how to tell my story, I live in Vietnam, I don’t speak English fluently. I was abused when i was about 8 year old by two cousins they were older than me, I kept queit to myself and now I’m 25 years old still strugg with it, I had no friend, no trust in people… and I know i need help but in my coutry it’s very very hard to find help in this cases. I want to learn English to get a good jobs make money and go far away to build my life again.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thanks for leaving a comment. We understand that some countries are very difficult to find help in. Please use the internet to your advantage perhaps by finding an online counsellor or just by joining a survivors forum. You can find many examples but the HAVOCA Survivor forum can be found here.

      I hope you find the support you are looking for.

  10. Kimberly, 4-18+ says:

    I was sexually abused from the age of 4-18 by multiple abusers. The worst one was when I was 15-18 yes. He was my “boyfriend.” He really messed with me mentally, on top of the repeated, nearly daily sexual abuse and rape. He was a black belt in some kind of karate, and he used that to physically and mentally. He would threaten to kill my family if I told anyone, or tried to leave him. So, my fear for my family’s safety kept me compliant and with him. My senior year in high school, I figured out a way to get him to leave me. I had wrote him a carefully worded letter, telling him that it was all my fault. He bought it and we broke up. I survived. A year later when I was in college “surviving,” I was raped. It happened because I was drunk, my favorite coping mechanism! A year after that, I married the 1st man to treat me with respect. We had 2 children, I went to a therapist and felt better, despite not telling her any details of my abuse. Now, 20 years later, I have started having flashbacks, nightmares, and horrible anxiety. I’m seeing a therapist again, but I’ve NEVER had all these issues before. I feel I’m going crazy. I don’t know how to help propel myself out of this rut!

  11. Andrew Baranello says:

    Hi,

    I am looking for a healthy and supportive group to aid me in getting out of my dysfunctional family. I am 23 and was out for 2 years and got sucked back in because of my inability to work for myself and sustain my life. I am back with my mom and I can’t get out of this terrible situation. My parents are guilt tripping, manipulative, and abusive and It’s like I’m back in my childhood all over again after getting over depersonalization disorder. All I need is someone to take me in so that I can heal these wounds properly and start my life. My binge eating problem is getting worse by the day and other health problems are manifesting because of it. Do you know anyone that can help me get out of here?

    Thanks,

    Andrew

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Andrew

      I’m sorry you’ve find yourself back in an abusive environment. The resources available to you are really dependant on where you live. IN the UK we have the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) they have a support line and do group meetings etc. Failing that have you seen our resources page? In particular you might to search for a therapist or group in your area.

  12. Amy says:

    I’m glad to have discovered this site. Glad someone cares. I also struggle from an abused childhood and now suffer from an eating disorder & depression. Thought I’d gotten out and had left THAT part of my life behind and now understand that is impossible to completely escape the trauma.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing Amy. I’m glad you’ve found the site useful. Trauma and stress are difficult to expel but it is possible to overcome the effects. So although you cant completely escape you can minimise their impact.

      I’m not sure if you’ve read ‘Overcoming Childhood Trauma‘ but I would highly recommend it.

  13. Canadian girl says:

    Hello everyone,

    My brother and I have recently began discussing the extreme emotional, verbal, and physical abuse that occurred throughout our childhood. There were several events I had completely forgotten, or something I remembered but my brother had no memory of. We are planning to compile a few of the most traumatic moments and confront our mother regarding the abuse she put us through. I know she was abused herself as a child and now, after abusing us through our childhood, demonstrates severe narcissism. I’m worried she is incapable of feeling sorry for what’s happened or even admitting what’s been done.

    The thing that upsets me the most is that lately, as her narcissism has increased, she has begun taking credit for every accomplishment in my life. When I was a child, my mother took us through drivethru every night for dinner until I was clinically morbidly obese. After becoming an independent adult I started eating healthy and working out, but when the topic comes up she refuses to acknowledge that I worked hard to get to a healthy place in my life by saying things like, “That’s MY girl” or “I guess I raised you right to be such a healthy adult.” The irony is painful – I am a healthy adult DESPITE everything she has done for me.

    I’m sorry for the long rant. Clearly I have some things I need to work out and I know this is not as extreme as some of the other adult victims that have posted. My heart goes out to you all.

    I wish I knew a better way to deal with the anger that has developed over the years. I used to be a weak and emotionally-abused girl, but now I feel strong and confident in myself but have a very hard time controlling my temper. Any advice at all would be very appreciated.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure. Have a look at our next step section. You might also like to join our forums and share your story there. We have thousands of members who will be happy and willing to offer their advice.

      I think from what I’ve read you are along the right lines. You have acknowledged the anger you feel and the issues this has caused. Talking about these things is half the battle. I would recommend finding a therapist too, professional help can be so important in coming to terms with the past. The bottom line from my perspective would be for a therapist to try and support you overcome how much weight you place on your Mother’s reactions. Instead you need support to move forward without the threat of her ‘opinions’ and ‘judgements’ affecting you.

      I’m not a professional so my opinion comes from the heart and is purely based on experience gathered working with Survivors. I hope some of what I’ve said is useful.

      I hope to see you on the forums.

    • Cathy says:

      Hello…I would suggest that you seek professional help. I also were verbally, physically and emotionally abused as a child and have moments where I feel as though I can’t control my anger. I began repeating the same abuse towards my 10year old where I have had to take control of my feelings and seek help. I thought I were simply being a strong single parent who were concerned about their child until I saw some of the same signs of abuse in myself. Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t been born because of all the guilt that I feel. However I know that help is there for me and now my child. Make sure that you keep a journal and try to read though it once a week to see your progress. I would also suggest some sort of therapy to assist you in your journey of anger and abuse.

    • Tara says:

      We have similar mothers and now we’re always angry. Sad

  14. Gary says:

    I have recently begun some significant counseling due to a situation with a abusive spouse and the need to protect my children as well as the physical violence was escalating in front of the children, I currently have Sole 100% legal and 100% Physical custody at the mandate of CPS court. I requested to go through some pretty thorough psych evaluations – because I wanted to be held to the same standard as what i was asking for my spouse to go through. I’ve been diagnosed with Severe PTSD after about 40 hours and multiple batteries of testing – i essentially began looking deeper into myself, my childhood and development. I am the survivor of nearly 50 years of verbal and emotional abuse and control, primarily by my wealthy father who over the 7300 days i lived at home i estimate called me a failure (or equivalent) over 20,000 times – called me lazy approximately 40,000 times, and told me about 10,000 times that i would never amount to anything. This same pattern has continued since. How am i estimating these – well there was a clear pattern, Monday though Saturday when my mother and me would fear him coming home, nothing was ever good enough, my mother and i didnt clean the house well enough etc… On Sunday he took off and was pleasant – the reference was that he was “God” and Sunday was a day of rest for him and us. The torture he has done with money defies words. It is a sick sick game. through both assessments and brain scans it is evident that there have been permanent changes similar to brains of soldiers exposed to violent combat situations, these two brain areas — the anterior insula and the amygdala — which experts say are associated with detecting potential threats. If as a teenager today, i were to report his behavior to the appropriate authorities i am confident that it meets the criteria of Torture and Aggravated Psychological Mayhem, under the California Penal Code.
    Many may say just let this go, however i am unsure what to do as for a while in breaking free from his influence i was extremely successful in the business world making nearly 7 figures. However, the appealing to wanting more as human nature, is what he did to draw me back in, at first encouraging me, then consistently telling me how i wasnt good enough until today, where at his direction i have liquidated all of my retirement assets, and having been unemployed for 2 years am now on welfare and doing everything I can to provide my two children a better life. My father has said, that $100.00 per week is more that enough to live in the SF Bay Area for everything except housing. Well that’s my intro… a bit of a rant, the emotions and feelings that have been exposed recently are very raw.

    • Gary says:

      I would also add that there are 3 physiological manifestations of illnesses directly correlated to this type of stress – one of which is a cardiac condition.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry you’ve found the need to search out our website but I’m glad you’ve found us.

      You might like to try joining our survivor forums where you can share your story with other likeminded people in a bit more safety.

  15. Nikki Mckillop says:

    Tomorrow I go to report being sexually abused by my step mother twenty years ago. I feel like I must report it, even if she doesn’t get in trouble. But I am scared and nervous. Kinda nauseous.

  16. Cece says:

    i was molested by my grandfather all through my elementary and junior high years as well as raped repeatedly by his girlfriends son at the same time. My mother made me tell her my senior year of high school after an incident where one of my friends tried to kill themselves while i was on the phone one night she “couldn’t understand what i would have in common with people like them” she seemed sad that her dad would do something like this the day i told her but never brought it up again. He even still comes around today 6 years from when i told her. I’ve recently been expressing anger toward everyone and she felt i need some help with my “issues” so she sent me to 2 different therapist and her only concern was if i was making her look bad. is there a program we both can attend so she can understand what i am going through?

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      It sounds like you need joint therapy but that would need her acceptance and acknowledgment in order to attend.

      I’m sorry this has happened to you. Denial is a factor for many people whose lives have been touched by abuse.

    • I will stop it. says:

      Your mom is in denial. She should be initiating the therapy. Your therapy may be to get away from her and your grandfather. He may have done the same to her.

  17. Shea says:

    I havent thought about the abuse that I had suffered throughout my life in a very long time. Then last night I had an… ‘accident’. Then all these memorys began to float back about how my stepmother would make me sleep in my bed even if it was soaked from me wetting the bed and wouldnt let me shower in the morning so that everyone would know that I was a filthy bed wetting child. She would make me swallow dishsoap because I was ‘lying’. She would beat me with one of her leather belts with studs or a ladle from the kitchen and sometimes hit me so much and so often, I couldnt go to school because I would have brusies and welts. For a short while, when I turn 19, my parents got a divorce and my father was finally told everything that my stepmother would do to me. I had never seen my father cry before. He had no idea. He had been in and out of prisons my whole life, and when he wasnt, he was working. I thought that I would be able to put it all behind me with her no longer being in my or my fathers life, but he went back to her!
    Nothing set a horrible taste in my mouth like when I have to look at her and say “I love you too!” I feel like I’m dying everytime I think about how I grew up. I just want to love myself and feel like a person. Not her punching bag.

  18. Kevin Hewitt says:

    Hi it’s my first time on here not sure what to say that the moment but like you I’ve taken the first step

  19. M.C says:

    I am a victim of prolonged child abuse at the hands of my step brother from the age of 14-18.i was forced to take photos and sign contracts controlled by blackmail.
    I am now 30 but have never sought counseling.maybe I was and am too ashamed that it happened.my parents swept it under the rug.i was basically deemed a liar.and I fel so alone.as an adult with two girls of my own I h become very protective of them in fear it should happen to them.i have no contact with my siblings and I have that same uneasy gut feeling when I see families with brothers and sisters.it is hard to see a normal family.i don’t drink or do drugs to cope.i simply keep it deep inside.it affects my mind in form of severe insecurities and depression.i know I need to deal with what happened it’s j extremely difficult.

  20. Mira says:

    I am not an abused survivor. Quite the opposite, I was treated very well and received lots of love and encouragement. However, I find myself attracted to men who where victims of childhood abuse. I am a very empathetic person, and often find myself in relationships where I desire to help build a man’s self esteem. I’m trying find the balance in this. I searched this page out, in hopes of finding some tools to help me understand and do a better job with a sometimes seemingly impossible situation. Thanks so much!

    • Dwayne Godwin says:

      Mira it sounds like your a loving caring person. I have had a horrific child hood and struggle everyday. I hurt everyone close to me. The point is go carefull. But at the same time keep up caring its nice to hear x

  21. Icanttell says:

    Im 22 years old and i cant live my life peacefully since i was abused. My stepbrother started to abuse me since i was six if im not mistaken. He stoped when i started getting my period. I have been keeping this as a secret and its killimg me. Im not the person i want to be. I wish i could tell someone but i cant its hard when ur leaving in malaysia. People here is not that open minded and they will judge. I dont think i will get any help. I dont know how my parents will react especially mom since the abuse happen when she was taking care of us while dad is in indonesia for work. What should i do?

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      We have sent you an email.

    • Diane illingworth says:

      I am 52 and was abused for as long as I can remember I have two children aged 28 and 32 and was determined they would not have the life I did.
      My daughter has met an abusive man and taken my grandchild to live with him.
      I now don’t recognise her she has turned out like my family.i am glad I found this site

  22. Jacquelyn says:

    I was sexually abused by multiple adults between the age of 10 and 14, most of them were my foster parents and one was my social worker. I never reported anything that happened because I was afraid of what they would do to me and I also knew it was better to be in foster homes than group homes. However, one day another foster kid reported it. Nothing really happened other than I was moved homes. But it went in my file and when my parents rights to me were restored they found out… My father became more physically abusive because of this knowledge. He always said it must have been my fault or I let it happen and he couldn’t believe his daughter was such a slut and disappointment.. I never really faced anything that happened to me.. Until I saw one of my foster parents that molested me in Target. Everything I had always pretended never happened came rushing back. I feel so much pain and guilt. I realize that the events of the past have had effects on the way I behave such as alcohol use and other dangerous behavior from a young age. But I just don’t know what I should do now? Is there anything out there to help me or am I out of luck?

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      There is always something that can be done! It is never the victims fault. Never.

      We always recommend getting professional help through therapy or counselling. Our section on the topic should put you in the right ball park for sussing out what might or might not be right for you. If you’d like to chat to other survivors and find out what has worked for them then why not join our forums.

  23. Emma Carr says:

    I’m not sure if this is the correct place but I suffered horrendous physical and mental abuse at the hands of my mother and have been addicted to drugs on and off. last year I came to some money and because I was so desperate for my mum still at 34 to love me I helped her since then she has gone back to the vicious person from my childhood. I feel the only way to move my life forward is to c some justice, all my relationships have been violent, I cannot love and I lost my beautiful children last year because I couldn’t kick the drugs I am now ready but I have not one person. Last week I tried to kill myself after some abusive messages, please someone help me I am pregnant baby due in five weeks and if I can learn to believe in myself instead of blaming and hating myself I could keep this child and get my other children home. I’m very alone in this world the one thing I did a great job with was my children and I need closure to move forward. I said not sure if right place because most of the comments are sex u all abuse

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry you’ve found the need to contact us. Everyone has the right to become a survivor and then to thrive. Child abuse and the destruction it leaves behind can be healed. It is important you realise you arent alone, our forums are testament to that. In order for us to advise you fully we’ve sent you an email, feel free to respond to that.

  24. Soni says:

    i am 58 yrs old and i have been suffering abuse from the the age of 7 from family members (sexual form) i don’t remember much very little, as i try to block it out.

    over the years theres has been various kinds of abuse, i have two marriages but not love. presently my husband has dementia and is violent at times. my son has psychosis and turns his rage and anger on me. his father and grand father has been abusers of women. so i guess thats where his anger towards me come from as well as the fact that i ran away from his abusive father when he was tree and although i have sent him money and gifts, all his life he has never felt love and regarded to me i have to be careful because i might trigger his anger.

    i am tired and i wouldl love to recieve counseling.

  25. Lexi says:

    Where to begin… my abuse started after my dad got married. The step mom and my dad never physically hit me save a few moments I would get spankings by my dad for doing something bad. (That was rare and only happened twice in my young life). What was bad was that while my dad was the only one I felt safe around he was gone a lot. I had three step sisters and an older step brother. The youngest (just a year under me) would physically beat me, pull my hair, throw me to the ground by my hair, kick me, punch. If I retaliated in any way I had all the other step kids ready to come in her defense and give me a worser thrashing. I tried to speak out but my dad would only be able to believe the many voices against my own, I learned that nothing I could say would matter. If people took notice in me or gave me extra attention, the beatings were worse when I got home. I started to grow more and more afraid and lived in absolute terror. My step brother (who was 8 or so years older than I) would grab me by my neck and choke-slam me against the wall and threaten to kill me if I ever ‘came near his family or touched them’ I didn’t know what to do, those threats happened once a month even when he became an adult. I was too scared to leave my room to go eat, use the bathroom, get a drink of water. The only time I left was to go to school, my only safe haven save for one fact, I shared a class with that step sister. I only ever ate at home if I snuck out of my room to steal a handful of raisens or I was so dizzy from the lack of water I’d try to drink from the bathroom sink hoping I wasn’t noticed. I wondered every day if I would live through the weekend if I would ever see my biological brother and mother ever again. That was my life from 8-15. I was finally allowed to return home to live with my mom but the damage was done and I was still afraid to talk about it, afraid that I would find my stepbrother outside my home ready to kill me. Even now I’m afraid. I wanted was a safe place to grow, a loving family, a mom to hug me and tell me that I was loved and that I mattered. I’m now 28 and never got help, never talked about it. My only escape was video games and school. I barely know how to take of myself. For the longest time I held on to a naive dream of having that happy childhood and now that veil has crashed down around me. And I barely scratched the surface here, the only thing thats stopped me from suicide is the fact I know how much it would hurt those friends and family I do have and that do care about me… I’m tired of living in fear, I’m tired of living with this pain. I tried to start counseling or therapy but they are making me wait over a month to see anyone and I’m barely keeping it together.

  26. Eric Mckenzie says:

    Hi all ,
    As a adult for child abuse victim survivor . I would like to meet one of your associate in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia due to prevent my identity and keep this confidentiality.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry Eric, HAVOCA does not have any ‘associates’ we are purely an online organisation that tries to provide resources for survivors worldwide. If you can contact us explaining exactly the sort of support you think you need we may be able to assist you in finding the right help.

  27. Lexi says:

    i’m 20 years old…i was eight when i was sexually abused by my uncle. It went to court and he won the case as i couldn’t answer one question apparently “i dreamt it”. I recently saw him in a store and found out he lives opposite a school, i don’t want anybody to go through what i did..even now it effects me. How can i stop him? is it too late to get justice for what he has done?

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Its never too late, although the longer you leave it the harder it can become to find justice. We recommend you contact a member of the Association of Child Abuse Lawyers (ACAL). They should be able to guide you through the process.

  28. Mr.X says:

    I need advice and help.

    My wife has severe depression, she spent her teenage years cutting herself and tried to kill her self several times. It all stems from being abused and raped by different men through bee childhood. She has never spoke out about it, the only person she has ever told is me. She was happy with me for so long and told me I made her forget about those things. Recently her depression has spiralled she is on new and harder medication and refuses to talk to me anymore about what has happened. I feel talking about it might help her and it might also help if she told someone else…like the police and got some justice for what happened. But I don’t have a clue how to start this conversation. I just want her to be happy again.

  29. Quest says:

    Looking for some guidance or advise in dealing with abusive elderly father. Trying to understand my own feelings, as well as discover some solutions on how to handle future issues.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      If you cant find what you need on these web pages feel free to use our contact form to drop us a line, detailing what support you need and we’ll do our best to help.
      Sometimes just reading through all these pages, with a journal and pencil, making notes as you go, can help provide clarity and direction.

  30. Rebe2008 says:

    Trying to find out the first step in the healing processes as an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      Youve come to the right place. Take your time and read through this section. You might find it helpful to write down any ideas or feelings you have as you use the menu on the left to navigate through the pages.

  31. Mr. D says:

    I went through sexual abuse when I was a pre-teen and I understand that PTSD can be a result of it. I am also a combat veteran and have PTSD from war that have compounded onto the previous my experiences. I am at a point where I feel this burden that I need to tell someone and get help but I am truly SCARED. I feel as though I’m losing it and I don’t know where to start getting help. I haven’t told anyone AT ALL. I am now 32 and, as I said, I feel this need to tell someone but don’t know how or who.

  32. Mr. D says:

    Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

    • HAVOCAHAVOCA says:

      It really depends where you are from and what your current situation is. Have you seen our therapy section? We always recommend professional help in the first instance. They will be able to help you shape your recovery, prioritise the issues and recommend a way forward.

  33. Cindy Hernandez says:

    My mother physically, emotionally and mentally abused me. My dad to this day, worships the ground she walks on. One particular incident occurred when I was about 6 years old. My mother washed my hair in the kitchen sink and was rough with it, so I ran out the back door and hide behind a big oak tree. She chased me down, dragged me inside, then threw my 40 pound body from above her head down to the hard kitchen floor. My sister, 4 years at the time was there and had witnessed the whole thing. For about 30 or 40 seconds, I lost my eyesight and my hearing, then finally came to. My sister was crying and my mother’s only response was, “Don’t tell your father!” She never took me to the pediatrician. My father wasn’t much better. He spanked with a leather belt for the slightest of reasons. I said a swear word around the age of 5, while playing next to my mother’s feet. He popped me in the mouth and said, “Don’t call your mother that!” I had heard him say that word on occasion. To make a long story short, I started having severe panic attacks that caused my whole body to shake and convulsed. I was unnaturally terrified of water and the dark. I began screaming in a state of panic at the age of 7, when the lights went out in a planetarium we were visiting. I have severe depression, I lost all of my friends because of the panic attacks and I had to drop out of LPN school because of the panic attacks. I wet and dedicated in my bed up until the age of 9. My dad and family laugh to this day at my fear of the dark. I have since forgiven them, but I can never forget. I’m 46 now and on disability because of bipolar disorder and severe panic attacks. I’ve been in 2 mental hospitals and attempted suicide three times. My parents are very religious. Id say Christian, but no Christian would hurt someone like this. Despite all this, I love my parents. I feel like I was robbed of a better life I could have had. I cry ALOT and no one cares. I cope the best I can, but secretly pray that I’ll die in my sleep. Who would take care of my cats though, I think.

  34. xxx says:

    could someone pleass help my brother has just reported our cousin to police for sexual assulting him 10 years ago. brother leave with his girlfriend and he very happy now. he hasn’t told us anything about it he saying police said he not allowed to discuss with me mum dad etc. we were very close to the cousin. but knowing this has torn the family apart. we don’t know what to do as we only know that cousin be arrest for the assult.. can the police tell my brother not discuss the case to us. x

  35. Donna says:

    This is not my 1st time on here but I do need to take the 1st step I just don’t know to do it

  36. Donna says:

    I’m 49 years old and I’m hurting so bad I don’t know where to turn or what to do everyone is telling me forget about it and move on but it’s not easy to do it’s just not that easy my life he’s just completely upside I wish someone in here can in taking the first step he’s telling me how do Istart

    • Lizzie says:

      Hi Donna, congrats on taking the first step. Although it feels like the hardest thing, speaking Up.. speaking about it helps A lot. A therapist can listen and help with your healing process. A friend, family member wld be great support too. I’ve suppressed my abuse for over 30 years and recently I decided to tell my story.it was incredibly scary telling the first person but after the support I got from them helps with my recovery. Good luck my friend. Hope this helps. Oh.. P.S. if u don’t get support frm someone you’ve shared with don’t let that stop u.. keep sharing!

  37. Itze says:

    i was molester thru my childhood by different men. I cant remember but around 11 my friends stepfather abused/raped me im not sure i couldnt stay awake. Im 33 now and have made a mess out of my life, have had problems with alcohol, abandoned my children with my mom. I now have a toddler and have realized that maybe the abuse has been a part of the problem with the way i am and my depression. Can something be done to this man since its been so long? I feel as if mybe getting some closure will help

  38. Gunner says:

    I am having intense flashbacks over the last year and some physical symptoms twitching arm and pounding head. I can’t control my thoughts anymore I know that I was abused as a child very severely.and I thought I overcame this. I am a 40 year old man with two children and a woman that I have been with since I was 16. We have a good life . but I feel I am no good and I am torturing my family and I keep pushing them away. Lately I have found any reason to get her to leave me or I threaten to leave. Am I abusing my children in a another way when I zone out and not listen. Am I doing the one thing that I swore I would never let happen to them. Am I treating my spous with the respect and love she deserves , I know I am not and I don’t no how to when these flashes start it’s like I am someone else. I know better than this . But it’s like I want them to feel what I felt or am feeling. I don’t know why I would ever want that. And I know this is affecting my life , work , parenting, relationship. I am lost I have never spoke about the severity of the abuse to my wife. She knows a little but has no idea details. And I feel she thinks I should just be able to go on with everyday life and work on handling it on my free time. Tough to do when I can barley get through the day, hell even get outta bed sometimes. I have set an appointment for some help with this. And I am afraid I won’t get the words out . I think my spous is ready to leave me over how I treat her and my parenting skills. And maby I should just let her go. I want the best for her and my kids. Even if it’s not with me. And I don’t think this mountain I have to deal with is going to happen overnight. I have read so many stories of years of therapy. I never thought I would even think about needing help with this. But I do need help. Is it fair to her to put them on this road with me. I just can’t see how it could possibly be fair.do I need to let her go and see if I can reconcile after I get a grip on this? I just feel it might not ever happen. It has changed me. Whether I want it to or not. I look at things differently now. I used to be so confident in my actions and was sure about what was right for my family. Now I’m not sure of anything.

  39. brenda says:

    hi i was sexual abuse by one of mother s biker
    boyfriend for three years from 7,8,9 and she gave him the okay to do it and my dad walked away and now i am 51 and i am seeking help for it because trying to sleep at night is hard for me because that is when he would come in my room so my boyfriend his worried for me and is helping me get help for this he is a great support for me and i every day

  40. peter woodson says:

    Wow. I thought they were done. After years of lessened Abuse, my aunt posted a picture of me as a child dressed as a female against my will on my drunk fathers lap. It’s not even debateable it not not me. Every person who’s seen it agrees, except them. They get obviously nervous and say it’s my aunt. They are panicking and I’m scared what they will try.

  41. Caitlin says:

    My name is Caitlin I was sexually abused from the age of 5 till the age of 15 by a family member I struggle a lot n tried to commit sucide many times I also self harmed for years I recently told my family about the abuse but because I waited so long the police had no evidence I’m still not coping and don’t know what to do I was recommeded this site by a friends

  42. cathy oconnor says:

    my life has been very difficult. i need help and support.

  43. A P says:

    Good site which hopefully will help me back from the darkness !

  44. A Park says:

    Good site which hopefully will help me back from the darkness ! Reading others story’s helps !

  45. Jazzmin says:

    I was molested by a brother as a child. I only gained the courage to tell my mother a few months ago, before I even told her who it was she told me I was ruined and should have fought. I feel really stuck now and don’t know where to go for help.

  46. Paul says:

    Hi I don’t now were to start really was just looking for some help and advice I’m 46 and suffed abuse when I was 13 in my boring school iv lived with the secret all my life but it has eaten away at me and now I’m suffering with panic attacks every time I think of it any advice would be grateful thank paul

  47. lost69 says:

    hello everyone , im new to the site.. I find of late im reliving a lot of the abuse from my past..ive had flashbacks of things I thought were long forgotten buried only to find them resurface .memories ..hate..self loathing disgust pity I could go on..ive tried explaining all this to family members who fail to understand..meaning well they tell me to let it go ..but it never really does go away ..does it..?

  48. My mum and dad physicaly, mentally and sexually abused me.
    I’m nearly 50 , and i’m tired. I think most of the time it would be easier to be dead.
    What is the point, all around people are being hurt, getting no help.
    Left to try and make lives but really just waiting untill you can’t feel IT anymore.

    • 1deslandres says:

      You don’t have to live like that, you can start turning the tables on whoever is taking advantage of you and put a stop to it. My weapon of choice is my very loud voice and exposing wrongdoers

  49. Marija says:

    Last year I figured out that certain things in my childhood were emotionally abusive. My mother in particular was controlling, never validated my feelings or wishes, always questioned my decisions, and would freeze me out for days on end if I made simple reasonable requests.
    It persisted into my adulthood, my marriage, my becoming a mother myself… Always the same line… I’m always to blame, not good enough. .
    Since my marriage twelve years ago, I began distancing myself and setting up my own boundaries because essentially there were none. And putting my new family first…. The refrain was always there ..That somehow I was wrong, I was guilty of disrespect towards her etc. But I managed somehow to make decisions without worrying what she would think or say. Of course there were times that things really flared and hurt… But mostly, I coped. And tried hard to give my kids a childhood as different from mine as possible.
    Three years ago we moved overseas because of my husband’s work. Around the same time my daughter began evolving from a sweet kid into a surly teen. And a lot of problems suddenly shot up again… My daughter is currently going to that phase where she is hypercritical of her parents.. my husband seems to take it in his stride.. somehow I couldn’t. I feel about 2 feet tall again, constantly being told that I’m not good enough.
    Since I realised that my childhood might have been emotionally abusive, I’ve ping-ponged between a great rage …..(at my mom for doing this to me, my dad for never having done anything concrete to stop her, at people to whom I turned to for help but who always normalised this insanity, and invalidated my feelings) …. and a feeling that I’m really exaggerating this, and it wasn’t really as bad as I say… I often end up questioning my sanity.
    Things came really to a head this week..A friend (who has supported me greatly over the past few years) was supposed to be coming to stay with us for the holidays.. my daughter objected strongly, not least because she would have to give up her bedroom… She said things along the lines of you can’t make the right choices, you’re stupid, you’re too good (in my daughter’s eyes and my mother’s, that is no compliment)…. I swear to god it was like my brain was possessed. I got a tremendous fight or flight reaction and ended up blowing off my friend.
    I’m now feeling guilty but I hope to make things up, and I’m seeing this episode as a real turning point, in the sense that I need to do something about this… It was uncanny the way my daughter used the same words my mom used when I was a kid.
    Thanks for letting me ramble on. It’s my resolution for the new year to address this.

    • 1deslandres says:

      It took me years before someone revealed to me that if I ever had kids that I don’t have to grant my abusers grandparent rights. Neither do you. Not keeping your new family away from the poison will poison them

      • I will stop it. says:

        When my daughter said my step father made her touch is private. I immediately cut off contact. My mom ignored it. She stayed with the man. He drove her crazy with cheating, impregnating a special needs teenager and my mom went to jail because he would never work. She said the girl told her he forced the sex. My mom didn’t even call the police. She stole stuff from stores to support them just so she could stay with him. Now she is in her 60’s and he took off because she lost her place to stay. My mom is so wacked out now and will never be the same. I am glad I listened to my daughter when she told me all of this at a young age.

  50. Beth Haumann says:

    Today I am hoping to start a new life instead of wanting to do harm to myself. I am a 54 year old woman and I finally realize I allowed all the physical and verbal abuse to control my entire life because I wanted to be loved and to have a family that loved me back. My Mother physically and emotionally abused me and my Dad would step in when she got to close to strangling me and intervened. Out of 5 children I received it the worst from my Mother. It wasn’t until my Mother died two years ago did the secrets come out; even to the point of taking a DNA test to make sure my Dad was indeed my biological Dad. I also was then told all the stories by my Dad how my Mother cheated on him their entire marriage. I took care of my Dad and I was able to finally understand somewhat, he was an abused husband, he also tried to be the Mom to all 5 of us kids. All of us suffered, I was the one who was blamed, beaten and thrown away out of all of us. I didn’t realize until today the 1st Christmas to not have either of them here that I still carry the extreme emotional and physical scars. I have never taken the time to LOVE mySELF. I wanted the love from my Mother and Dad. I know my Dad loved me because when I was in my 20’s I had them both together at a picnic table and said Dad I want you to tell me the truth did Mom abuse me, my Dad answered Yes, my Mom answered, You deserved it. I didn’t deserve any of it, no one deserves to be abused either physically or emotionally. I know today even thru my tears that I want to live, I have alot to offer, I am talented and intelligent. I know now more than anything TODAY is the DAY for me to learn how to LOVE mySELF and only then will I allow others in.

  51. Arash says:

    I was abused as as child since I can remember, my dad ,my mom , my older brother , my uncle they all abused me physically , mentally and emotionally but the worst of them is who abused my when I was about 6 in a video games club. now I’m 24 and I’m worry about my relationships with my future wife, I’ve never told anyone and it’s the first time I’m telling it. recently I realized that I’m so angry and I can’t do anything for it. I still remember the memories and sometimes I feel so weak and I cry, I feel unstable in my relationships and I can’t really trust anyone ,I feel so alone. please help me

  52. Danielle Oshea says:

    I was 5 when it happen to me by my cousin resentlly I went to the gardas I’m now 25 still having flash back and nigh mares

  53. 1deslandres says:

    I also survived severe childhood abuse. Both of my abusers who happened to be my parents are gone. Unfortunately I’m in a legal battle right now for some kind of compensation from what my dad left behind. No one would talk so I couldn’t take my parents to court and sue them when they were living. Someone recently revealed I have certain survivor rights in my particular case right now, my dad left behind a life insurance policy and someone took advantage of him as his POA. It was a knowledgeable person who pointed out that in my particular and very unique case, I have certain survivor rights

  54. 1deslandres says:

    Sorry I ran out of room on the last post, this is a continuation. Everyone who happens to survive abuse at the hands of their parents should definitely look into what survivor rights they have and act on them. I think new laws should be made on behalf of anyone who was abused by their parents and live to tell it, they should be monetarily compensated out of the estates of the abusers

  55. Finallyhadcourage says:

    I am a survivor of child abuse …. I first experience was when I was four and my older brother started humping me I told my grandma not even knowing that it was wrong …shortly after that my family split …my step sibling weren’t staying with us anymore and I barley seen my father …my mom started dating this guy she worked with when she was 26 or 27 and I was 6 .. Shortly after that we all moved in together and I was happy to have another another dad. Before my 7th birthday he started touching me.. First it was bribing me with candy and the fair or money to suck his nipples…then it progressed to him rubbing his private against mine with clothes on

  56. as far back as I can remember…2-3 yrs.of age…I was physically and emotionally abused…I loved my father but always despised my mother…but my father was never home and never really heard anything i said…I have read some of the posts and am so empathetic…so this seems almost trivial…my father passed on 2014…my mother up to a year ago con’t the emotional abuse as she had all my life…of course not the physical like earlier in life…no specifics here…only that I finally don’t care anymore…told her off after decades of built up sadness and anger and absolutely no confidence or self esteem…but have a twin brother and a sister who is 10 years younger and now are not speaking to me at all…for my mother had a 2 faced demeanor….1 horrific to me and the other a martyr to others…I am too embarrassed to speak of it to anyone in life and then really with my 2 siblings not speaking to me..i wonder if I am the one with the problems…I now am just numb…I have had health issues the last 3 decades…bone tumors…heart surgery …bleeding ulcers… I have been in therapy for some years now for depression and anxiety …but all I can say is that I am just numb now…I have overdosed 2 times when I was young in high school…both times I remember my mother just screaming and beating me after I got home from the hospital and totally degrading and insulting me to the doctors while I was in the hospital…and thinking back what a fool I was to hurt myself and how I wanted to hurt her ..but that was not me…I have friends but no family now…I adored my lil sister…but was never close to my brother…so be it….thankyou for listening…

    • Stay strong! says:

      Is is your truth so don’t worry about what the think. Get stronger in your truth. If you live a lie or are in denial you will be the one hurt the most.

  57. Shirley Munson says:

    I don’t even know we’re to start but I’m here this is hard

    • Lee says:

      Don’t know where to begin myself, it feels so deep and so much has happened. Even though I stopped contact 5 years ago everything is swirling around my head and I fear for my safety from them.. I know what they done was wrong/against the law but I don’t know where to go for help, I feel so confused

  58. Shirley Munson says:

    How long ago was what happened do have anyone to talk to

    • Lee says:

      It was from the age of around 10 up to I decided I couldn’t take anymore from them which was about 4 years ago, I’m now 41, I’ve tried talking to a mate about it, he agreed what they done wasn’t normal but he is busy as most people are and doesn’t have the time to hear it all. As silly as it sounds it wasnt until I came across this website what had actually happened to me and that made me feel better in itself that it’s an actually recognised condition. I’ve purchased the invisable scar and read the first chapter but I find it quite difficult to read if you know what I mean.. sometimes I push it to the back of my mind as I’ve got to get on with life but it always crops back up again and guess it always will.

      • Shirley Munson says:

        I was 8 when it started i cant remember how long it was for or how many times I’m 42 now I’ve told all my friends now I’ve just found out my dad who I’ve only seen 3 times is not my dad i think its open up alot of wounds telling people is 1 thing but unless they’ve been through it they don’t understand

        • Lee says:

          You’re right they dont understand and about opening up old wounds, there’s not many people around that are qualified enough too understand, that’s half the problem. Im too paranoid to say too much more about my issues in case I get recognised, I know that the chances are small and may sound daft but it’s the way my mum’s made me think.

  59. SD says:

    Hi..I was also abused by a family member(a cousin)started at an age may be 6 to 8 years .Continued till Iam 13-14 years .Never told anyone about it.Dealing with depression,low self esteem,trying to block that phase but realized I have to deal with it.Very blessed to find this site.Just wanted somebody to talk to.Thanks.

  60. Shirley Munson says:

    When you’ve been told things for so long it’s hard think different but we are different but in a good way because we’re stronger that even we will ever know because we’re here x

  61. lee says:

    some days its easier to cope with than others, its pretty well wedged in the depths of my head now but occasionally something crops up that reminds me of something, i guess that’s just something ill have to get used to.

  62. Lorraine says:

    I have been abused all my like, experienced every form abuse there is. My mother started abusing myself and siblings as soon as we were born basically. This went on until I was 8 when she put us all in care, while there we were separated and beaten and abused by staff. After two years of this my mother decided some of us mainly the girls should live with her and her new man. Then the abuse got worse, sexual, emotional, physical . I went to the police aged 12 because I wanted the sexual abuse to stop and as a result my mother bear me so bad, she would watch the sexual abuse her man did to me. The beating left me with. Avery weak pelvis. The police laughed at me and called me names, they were disgusting to me. She kept me at home with rules after that I was to become their slave. Her man went on to sexually abuse my four sisters resulting in three children being born all to under age children. Still no one helped us. I eventually got away married a man only to be abused by him because I couldn’t carry children to term due to my weak pelvis, my eldest eventually died and my other two were very sick, all being born at 26 weeks. My husband told me because my past abuse and failure to give him a healthy child I was not a proper woman and kept me locked up for the next 20 years until, by some miracle he dropped dead. I had to learn how to do things, shop, money and speak to people all of which I had not done for so long. Then after a couple of years I decided I wanted justice for my lost childhood and my abuse. I went back to the police and after two long years it went to court. I got justice my mother and her man got 34 years in prison. Recently she died in prison but before she died she gave other inmates my name and they started sending me messages and calling me with abuse and telling me I killed her because I put her in prison. I am 61 now and can’t cope with any more, I am tired and wish I could go to sleep for good.its the only way out of this rotten life.

  63. Angie says:

    Hi, I read all of these stories and get a weird sense that it’s good not to be suffering alone, although none of us should be suffering. I was abused 30 years ago and thought I’d dealt with it, but it’s clear I haven’t. Sometimes I want to shout it from the rooftops – look at me I was abused, listen to me, give me your time….. but instead I perpetuate the secret I don’t talk about it, the man who did this to me is still there merrily getting on with his life with no consequences….. and because I don’t talk it comes back when I least expect it and it can floor me again for months. I am struggling to get it out of my head, I could still draw a room layout and say what exactly I was wearing….. I can still hear his voice and feel the pain and the shame. I can remember trying to keep it from people because he’d threatened me and yet I just wanted someone to notice I wasn’t ok… even 30 years on. I want to move on now.

  64. Vanessa says:

    I recently found out that my husband’s father molested is older sister, to whom he was a stepfather. It apparently happened for years and likely started when my husband was 6 years old and he was sharing a room with that sister. He doesn’t remember much of his childhood but it was going on from her being 9-13. She went to live with her aunt and uncle and she went into a mental facility on suicide watch. At that point my mother-in-law found out about it and felt trapped. She had remarried after her first husband died and had 4 kids and no job. She married my father-in-law and had my husband and his younger brother. All the older girls had moved to the aunt and uncle’s house so she felt the boys were probably safe from him doing anything and she didn’t have anyway to support her youngest by herself so she just stayed with him. The day before she died, her brother and sister-in-law told me the truth and I didn’t know how to tell my husband and was sick to my stomach. Of course after she died a few days later, my husband’s sister who had cut off her relationship with my husband and his mother for over 30 years, called him and told him the truth and he believed her. I then admitted I had known for days and didn’t want him to be angry with his mother right after she died.
    Now I don’t know what to do because he is unwilling to address his father on the situation and I don’t want him in my house. We were in the process of moving out of state and my mother-in-law died a few days before my husband left for work to the new state so I only had to see my father-in-law once since learning this. I look back at all the times we had them over to my family’s house where my little at the time nieces were around him and I know he never had an opportunity to do anything but the thought of the possibility. I am now in this place where I don’t know why his family never prosecuted and my husband still speaks to his father. He feels that it happened a long time ago and hopes he has changed and I’m on the opposite side feeling that someone who is sorry and has truly changed would have admitted his wrongdoing. I don’t want him near my kids and my husband said he’s okay with him being near our boys so long as he is not left alone with them, and I asked him what of we have a girl and then he said no he doesn’t want him near a girl. I feel trapped because I want him to know we know and let him know we are no longer fooled, but I also don’t want to any anything to do with him. My mother-in-law had a very sad a terrible life and only death gave her an escape. Is there some way of finding some justice?

  65. Pelin says:

    Hi, I lost my mum in a traffic accident when I was six. Then my father abused me for years. I think he abused me even before my mothers’ death and but i do not remember but have the feeling that it is too painful to remember. I was beaten up, sexually abused, neglected by this alcoholic. I managed to somehow get out of that toxic environment. I am in my 40s now and have a family. Now I feel so unrest every time I talked to so-called father -which i will call as evil as he does not deserve to be called father. My brother is mentally sick and was abused by this evil’s friend. They now live together and I somehow have to call this evil and every time my whole psychology gets damaged. I want to kill him and want him dead as soon as possible. II went to therapies. I confronted him and he says he does not remember and now he says that he is sober and taking care of sick brother as if that will all make it disappear. But I know that he is a bad, and an abusive bully. I want to cut contact with him but it is very hard since that also means to cut contact with my brother who lives with him. I will not go to that disgusting house even though this means that I will not visit my brother either. My brother and I need to meet separately then. I helped my brother financially for years but all is gone to waste and now he is angry with me that I have a family myself. He was six months old when our mother died.
    I am kind to my inner child and she feels sad every time I somehow have to have some contact with this evil due to reasons related to brother.

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