First Step

First Step

first step havoca mazeYou may be feeling lost. You may be wondering how to start. Don’t worry, you’ve already taken the first step. As survivors, we know how hard it can be to take the first step on the road to recovery but believe us when we say, this is the first step, you’ve taken it, you’ve found us, and you are starting to navigate through the maze. We’ll be here every step of the way. Take it at your own pace and browse through these pages.

The site has been laid out into specific areas in an effort to categorise pages or information into a semblance of order.  By categorising the information we are not trying to dictate how you read the information or suggest only certain types of information are applicable to you.  This would be highly presumptuous, shortsighted and misleading.

Use our search facility on the menu bar to find specifics or feel free to browse through the site and read what seems appropriate.  Each survivor’s situation is different and therefore your recovery will be unique to you. Use this site as a guide and interpret what it means to you, at this time in your journey.

There is never any pressure! Take your time, make notes, keep a journal and perhaps share your experience of this site with other survivors on our forums.

Use the menu on the right to navigate this section.

191 Responses to First Step

  1. carolyn mcauley says:

    my abusive parent saw a post on a public site after i saw a trigger and wrote about it. i was threatened with a court case for slander,with no admission i spoke the truth….all the sense of injustice rolled in and i became aware…the damage was in fact repeating thirty years later…so here i am looking for support

    • HAVOCA says:

      Welcome to the site. I hope you’ve found our forums, so that you can share your expereinces with others.

      These pages are packed full of useful information and can help establish you on a path to recovery from the past.

      Our past does not have to define us.

      • Leslie Aronsohn says:

        If I were to share my story, it would go on and on and on: there has been so much abuse, nobody deserves abuse but I especially never deserved the abuse, from multiple family members and the physical abuse, the emotional and verbal abuse, sexual abuse, then I had to turn around and take care of my abusers for the last 15 years, then my narcissist abusive thieving brother came in… Well I can’t even go into it now but as it stands, my mother had a slight accident in January of 2015 and was to be in physical therapy for 2 weeks, and he still has not let her home, my disabled sister who I’ve been taking care of for 15 years plus, yet he is going on Facebook and says that it’s been him, he has also left her in a temporary Rehabilitation facility and not let her home for over a year, he has trashed their apartment, he is using my mother’s disability, my sister’s disability, his disability, he’s receiving checks, family members are sending him money, and he’s working… And the only comfort I had was my dog, who died of a sudden heart attack a few months ago, and my brother is so controlling and all my money is gone because these people, my family stole it from me they ruined my credit and I found out on Saturday my brother has not been paying maintenance on these apartments that we live in in this building and now I have no place to live. So all I have to look forward to in the near future is the death of my mother and living in the streets and I can’t take it anymore. All I’ve been is good and honest, I don’t know what he’s told extended family members from aunts to cousins to mutual friends, but if he’s on the phone with them and I’m around he tells them he’ll call them later or removes himself away from me… They don’t acknowledge me, ever, not a birthday greeting, not that there sorry I lost my dog, not one single member of my family or mutual friend wants anything to do with me, so I’ve grown used to sitting here 7 days a week 24 hours a day not being spoken to , I have gone down below a hundred pounds… nobody in my life ever heard a complaint from me, I spent my life protecting and covering up for the abusers, they only heard from me when I was trying to get my mom out of the home when she was discharged, who knew that they would all turn on me and not believe me? And I have heard him, my brother, sometimes because he gets lazy and his lies are all over the place . And the people that do know, they are in shock that I cannot reach out to my younger brother , who is a politician, but he’s made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with any of this . Guess what? I want nothing to do with any of this but I got stuck in all of this . I can’t stop crying at the moment, I know I didn’t deserve all this, but that’s it for now. Thank you for your time.

        • Don Stephens says:

          Love you and keep going I was where you were at and yes sex has been an issue and I struggle with it , or lack of t have turned my partners off after 4 years
          so its always work as for where to lve just ask many of us have room

        • Rich says:

          Oh I’m so sorry..I just joined. I was beaten and tortured from birth to age 17. but then I was free from the abuse after that… Are you able to maybe get a rescue dog or cat? Are you meditating… .just deep breathing is a must because you are under chronic attack. Please try Wim Hof breathing(15 mins) and gradual cold showers. game changer… read/watch The Gosple of Thomas, it was removed from the bible to surpress the masses.

          smile & deep breath from the tummy

          • Sophie Sunshine says:

            Can I use your advise ? Gospel of Thomas is what I’ve been getting into lately , I was adopted because of incest (my father) , I had no idea and have been talking to him the last few weeks , he tried to groom me but I’ve stopped contact when I realised , my brothers are putting his welfare first because I’m a single parent and a bum . They told me to stay away from him because he has mental issues which is true but so do I. I’m in a darker place than him mentally. The gospel of Thomas is helping me think clearly and pull through a bit. I’m just new to it , I’m gonna try that breathing technique thank u .

        • Donna L Payne says:

          Omg your poor thing i was mentally abused verbal physically abused by both parents i still loved then my mo got cancer young and I took care of her because I got panic attacks and she was the only one who could help me i know she loved me my dad is a abusive drunk and hit her wile on her death bed so needless to say I have I’ve been taking care of him big mistake he was hitting me past two yrs I’ve called police nothing aps nothing well now I’ve beat the crap out of him past 6 mo .I lost it.and I went to jail so pissed because this is what happens when no one steps in i regret it but i was tought it

        • I care says:

          Go to the Police your brother is committing fraud by spending your mother and sisters money.You need the support of a welfare officer.Please get help as soon as possible.

      • Jossi says:

        Well here’s some of my story. It’s going to come in bits and pieces. I’m very stressed over the memories so I don’t really know where to begin.

        I was labeled very early in life (maybe around 4) as there just being something wrong with me. That horrible feeling only got worse as I grew older.

        My mother was physically abusive towards me, I think that’s where so much of this started.

        I think I had ADHA as a child, but in the 70s it wasn’t diagnosed. I could never sit still in class in 1st grade, I don’t know why. I just felt like I had to much energy.

        I guess the school notified my mother that I (wasn’t behaving) so she had her own way of dealing with me.

        Normally I would have walked home from the bus stop to my home with my older brother. He had been sick so he stayed at home that day. I walked down the street and there was my mother standing inside the garage door with her arms folded. The expression on her face was different, her whole body language was different but I was about 6-7 so I didn’t realize something was wrong. I was happy to see her, aren’t all kids happy to see their mother? She took me inside without saying a word to me. She sat down in a chair near the wall and that’s when I started feeling uncomfortable. I began to take off my backpack with feeling of fear that I didn’t understand. As soon as my backpack was off she grabbed me, pulled me over her lap and began to beat me. I pulled away and rolled onto the floor. I can’t remember the beating really. I know I kept trying to get to the stairs to get away from her, I know she hit every part of my body.

        My next clear memory is me standing in the middle of my bedroom, my whole body hurt and I was traumatized. My right arm hurt terribly, I think I had tried to defend myself. I just stood in the center of my room crying. I didn’t understand what had happened.

        I found out later that afternoon it had something to do with school, I assume was because I couldn’t sit still.

        After that evetfot worse. I was terrified of school, what would happen to me. I was so ashamed that I never told anyone back then. I started having nightmares that my mother was a monster. I constantly locked my bedroom door to keep her out. My father fixed that, he changed the doorknob so I would never be able to lock it again. That made me more anxious as I saw more of my mothers anger. She used to pound her fists on the walls so hard I thought she would break the walls.

        I was afraid of school and afraid of her.

        I thought my father would protect me. I woke up one night hearing my mother screaming and crying about how she was going to lock me in a dark closet, my father kept saying no. I don’t know if I slept that night, I think I just cried.

        School was always the enemy, I thought it was the reason my mother was always angry. I saw every teacher as my enemy, I had to protect myself from them. I couldn’t learn anything because I was so afraid all the time. So I stayed silent about all the horrors.

        Turns out while my mother was breaking my body and my mind that my father was spending time in hotel rooms with his secretary (16 years younger than him) and after 2nd grade we left the only place I ever knew to move into 2 small houses. In my mothers house I had my own bedroom, finally had a lock on the door again. Turns out I wasn’t any safer.

        School was horrible, like all schools I was afraid of the teacher; with good reason, she went out of her way to humiliate me and even assaulted me in class.
        The 1st time she went after me, a new boy was handing our registration forms for Boy Scouts. He was new so I guess he put one on my desk by mistake. One of the boys who didn’t get a form said he was missing one, since it was on my desk she thought I stole it (I’m a girl so why would I?) but she didn’t believe me. She yelled at me and called me a liar.

        I didn’t know what to say or do, but my mother and father has convinced me that teachers were always right so I did nothing.

        Shortly after that she became violent towards me, she grabbed me by one hand on the front of my jacket and pulled me up out of my chair. She accused me of chewing on the strings on my jacket hood, which I hadn’t even been doing. Eventually she let go and I melted into my chair, crying from the humiliation. I never said anything to my mother or father about it.

        By then my father had married his secretary who had her own daughter. They both were very cruel to me, I didn’t realize it at the time but his new wife,Vicki, had real problems. She and my father were alcoholics and the more she drank the meaner she got.

        I wasn’t safe anywhere. At school I was bullied and pushed around by an older girl who called me (4 eyes) since I wore glasses. At my mothers house I never knew what would set her off, at my fathers house it was worse; his wife was so angry and said the most awful things. She convinced me that I was stupid while my father finished another bottle of wine. Everywhere I went another person was the enemy.

        I guess by then someone noticed I was depressed (or so they thought) and sent in this jackass school psychologist who made things worse. I missed class so I could sit with this idiot who kept asking me if my fathers wife (Vicki) went shopping with my mother. He was an ass.

        I got back to class long enough to barely find out what the homework was, but since I hadn’t been in class I didn’t know how to do any of it.

        Then I got sent home with a note saying I didn’t do my homework. My mother would hit me and back at school the next day they sent me back to that jackass psychologist. Missed class, you get the idea.

        It went like that for a while until my father made it worse.

        I’m going to stop here. I think that helped a little.

        I’ve got so many stories and I hope anyone else go reads this will try to talk to me. I need to talk to other survivors, so please just say hi. I need to know others understand what happened to me.

        • HAVOCA says:

          Thanks for sharing. Perhaps you’d find our forums more useful?

        • Era says:

          Hang in there dear. Our world is full of hurt people who hurt people and you have an amazing amount of strength to endure all of that. Keep writing, it’s been my most supportive form of therapy. Sending you love and a hug.

        • zcampbell says:

          Hello. it seems to me that what you need to do is get away from your family if you are still quite near them… and also get into extensive therapy. My heart goes out to you.
          talking about it helps yes.
          God bless you. I will pray for you everyday.
          i was always afraid of men..i did not reach my potential.

          do you have a talent? If so i suggest you develop it and make it your life focus alongside healing yourself.
          is there anyone you know who would be or is your allie you could reach out to more?
          you deserve to be selfish in a good way and take care of you.

        • KAT says:

          I’m sorry that happened to you. I just want to say, children are not responsible for what adults do to them. I don’t know how old you are or how long you have dealt with this. These are things you’ll never forget. You can forgive and you can believe your worth so much in life… I’ve been through a lot as an child and I’m still letting it define me… But I’m getting better at believing in me and excepting I’m worthy and not feel like I’m a victim. Better at moving forward and choosing to be happy. You got to believe in you, and this horrible abuse you went through that kept you from being all you wanted, being who you were meant to be… Don’t let it be any longer………….

        • Azusena says:

          Hi, I’m azusena, I’m going through a tough time as well… I just wanted to tell you how incredibly strong you are. How pure you are. How wonderful you are, your experience and strength inspires me… made me cry but you need to know how perfect you truly are 😭♥️

        • Elaine says:

          Hi I understand what happened to you x

        • Theresa Morris says:

          Jossi, yep I’m anouther child of the 1970’s from disfunctional family who had serious issues w/ real bad experiences w/ bully teachers in multiple schools to boot ! An starting all the way back in preschool mind you. Though I had a bit of that experience blocked out till after adulthood once I receive caught up to my mother an she called me drunk one night an told me a bunch of things I had not been aware of . Like the same school that I had remembered sitting on the edge of the wading pool an that day I guess it was
          decided we were to move up to the big pool. Well all I recall was getting cold as the sky was going cloudy an the teacher an all the kids over in the big pool an the teacher shouting over to me I guess trying to get me to decide to join them in the big pool. Well I wasn’t having it. I couldn’t swim an I was very thin an small an that pool was big an would be very little area where I would be able to touch bottom an I was too frightened so NO. Well how the teacher thought best to handle this was to continue to shout over to me from the other pool to come join them in the big pool that that is actually the baby pool an I wasn’t a baby was I? An then as the other children art playing an rough housing around the pool (also reason to not wanna risk being over there in that potential watery grave) but lined up on both sides of the pool along the edge . She got the other children to join in w/ her shouting over to me saying I wasn’t a baby so get out of the baby pool ! Both teacher an all the rest of the preschool class taunting me an making fun of me acting like I would comply by being tormented . I was frozen solid terrified.
          Well turns out that place also (as I was to rediscover that night Mom called me drunk an confessed a bunch of interesting childhood things) that that school used to lock me in the bathroom an leave me in there all alone to cry too ! An when she said that I fully remember spending time in there when no other children were in there an it was all quiet for a long time sitting on the floor !
          Turns out it was anouther of the schools that had damn nap time an we hadda bring a little blanket an lay down on the cold floor w/ classroom lights off forever ! Ya see I didn’t back then take naps an I guess eventally my fidgeting was distracting to the other kids staying asleep so they would put me I to the 4 stalled 4 sink bathroom an make meditation I there so not to bother others. Then all alone I’d start to cry so they would lock me in to avoid having to send me back when I would come out crying that way I was muffled by the locked door an the hallway door too.
          No wonder I hated school an the other kids in the schools After mom remarried an we left papa an grandmas home we moved about once a year (1st 5 years @ my grandparents for a total of x20 houses I my first x18 years of life !) So I went to 5 elementary schools & 3 middle schools. Never starting an finishing at same school (except 6th grade) so I was always the new kid it was no good . By first grade we moved from suburban San Leandro to Oakland an it got worse. Mom bairly woke me in time an then I was on my own to get up an out the door . An most of the time I would also have to bring pen an paper to her an wake her up to write me a note because I was endlessly sick so I was needing a excuse note or hadda wake her for lunch or milk $$. All of this would always have me just getting to the edge of the school fenced field when the second bell would ring ! This means I have to first walk past all the thug 6th grade tough kids smoking an stuff on that same outside edge of the school an get picked on on my way in to school every day then because I was late I’d get held after school so yet again I wouldn’t get to walk out in the crowd (there is safety in #’s) leaving school either so I was double fucked ! An then the teacher would hold me after other days saying my homework was wrong an she would make me stay after an re do it.I tried tellingy mom from what she said but she didn’t believe me that a kindergarten teacher would be picking on a little girl she thought I was making it up send it want to go. but when he came to my homework it’s not like she helped me with it or anything so he started checking my homework after I get it so there be no reason baby stuck after school. I turned in my homework and my teacher would tell me it was wrong and give me another one to do and make me stay after School my mother mention that I remember her saying few different times square some people think they’re being picked on and they’re paranoid but and I wasn’t paranoid weird people would pick on me for no reason and I wasn’t making it up.. and I got pulled out of class for speech class which didn’t help any at all I know what you mean. Separate me from the other kids to do some special thing come back in Lost does not help at all that’s for sure. Well that’s just briefly some of my childhood I’ve had so I can relate to you for sure . An we have more in common there was definitely@ home teams too. But I am out of time I must run . I could go on for days truly.
          So big hugs & much love okay🤗
          Theresa Morris

        • LORENA RIOS says:

          Iam so sorry you went thru that I was an abused child myself my mom took out her anger out on me since she got pregnant by my father and I think he was married so she took out her anger on me she would beat me when she got a call or note from school
          I feel you I have been molested 5 times by family members when I was between 4-14 until I set my foot down at age 14 no one ever touched me again!!

        • Phyllis P Hawkins says:

          I am so sorry for what you have had to deal with, I can only pray for you and ask GOD to give you the strength to overcome. I will pray for you and you can reach out to me if you like.

        • Audrey Nelson says:

          I read your whole story and my heart goes out to you. I suffered from abuse but it was only from my stepmother and stepbrother. School was my safe place. I don’t know how you survived,or how it was allowed to go on. I guess things were different back then. I hope you have someone on your side now.

        • SL says:

          Thank you for sharing

      • Lisa says:

        Where do I start to get help to recover or even a safe place to live? I am coming to the conclusion 30+ years later that my abusive mothers has more than a few sociopathic tendencies. I have Complex PTSD from the 10 years of physical and then emotional abuse, but everyone thinks that she is a saint. She claims that a Dr told her to hit me as often as necessary because I was different. She gets very angry if I cry in her presence. She gets livid when I have flashbacks because they says that I do it just to annoy her.

      • william says:

        i too was in an abusive foster care it was a hell house my mother mentally abused me now 30 years later im having terrible nightmares besides the normal smacks across face getting hit by the belt what dramatize me the most was when sheput my face under the running tub faucet she also i would think she made me yes made me rub her with lotion years later im thinking it was sexually thing cause her so called husband sexualy assaulted her 3 daughter’s and tried to do same to me i could lie but im not like that i know god will judge me there is a lot more to my story but i have to try to forget it seems like the more i think the more my nightmares if anyone wants to comment im open for advice

    • helelene says:

      Get a lawyer and look into a restraining order. I confronted my sexual abusing father and told him in front of a police witness that if he ever came near me, or harmed anyone in front of me I would “Kill Him”. I said you have been tarasoffed. The peace I had for 30 years was unbelievable, I also just wrote to him and told him that I I had never been able to tell him I loved him because I was so shut down and could never be the daughter I wanted, although I did not have to do these things and others in the support group I was in chose other methods I had to tell him, I had to overcome my fear of men, and own my inner power… These actions transformed my life , but now that I am older I have no family and I am rejected by my entire family. Prior to confronting my father my sister confided in me that he abused her in the same way. She killed her self 10 yard ago. My youngest sister is living with a child pedophile. I have much healing to do as I have picked abusive men, but I have some wonderful people in my life. I am new to this site and wish love and light to everyone here. Unfortunately these abusers are bullies and they now have bully camps for middle school kids who start abusing others. I had to take my father and confront him like he was a bully, it really helped me as I never allow anyone to abuse me in anyway EVER. It has been the greatest gift of my life, to know I can create this for myself and help others. xoxoxoxo, helene

    • Liz says:

      Sound like my situation hun x

    • Aundrea says:

      Hello everyone, I’m so glad I stummpled across this site. I have been abused since the age of 3 , now I’m 35 with 3 beautiful kids of my own, I’m finally ready to seek help so I can take back control of my life.

      • Hayley Harries says:

        I was 6 years old i am now 40.. i confronted my abuser of 12 years i took back control.. he is now on remand awaiting to be sentenced. My mind is still full of awful memories but the flashbacks have become less. I feel stronger in everyway hes not going to get away with what hes done to me.. i will survive and he will pay

    • John says:

      Hi my name is John .I was sexually abused by two males fromthe age of 9,the CPS wouldn’t take it on because not enough evidence so now I’m in court for section 18 with intent on one of those males they told me to expect 12 to 15 months in prison ,where is the justice

      • Helen says:

        John, so sorry and no justice ! I’ve just been told the same from police. CPS said not enough evidence as some of my family won’t talk. So angry and want to get revenge on the man who took my childhood. Hope they understand why you did what you had to do.

    • Dede says:

      God Bless you. I have suffered in silence and walked around with all this emotional garbage I never knew how to handle and was conditioned to never talk about it. Most everyone else went into denial and turned to alcohol and drug to cope with it.

      You have a right to have a voice, be heard, feelings honored and validated, know you are not alone, and are more normal than you have any right to be (lol this is what I tell myself).

      There just comes a point when enough is enough and boundaries have to me established and harshly enforced. the only reason your parent brought up the court case was to threaten you, which in itself is another way to scare and intimidate you. Don’t let that stop you from getting the help and support you need and deserve!!!

      Unfortunately no one can help us but ourselves so we have to be our own advocates, and learn to parent ourselves to give ourselves the love, attention, affection, validation, and kindness our parents and family either couldn’t, or didn’t. think of them as someone with a terminal illness and feel sorry for them because no one in their right mind would have done or said those things to us.

      God Bless and all the Best!

      -Dede Daisey

      • Mary Jane Irving says:

        I was sexually abused from a very young age till around the age of 7-8. I never remembered until I was 48, within a very short time I found out his name, his business and where he lived! I called him acting like someone else. I said I was calling him about a property. Then in mid sentence I reviled to him who I truly was. I told he destroyed me for 48 years and it took me less then 48 hours to find him. He said he didn’t need to hear this crap. I went to his business in North Conway New Hampshire, I knew he was blond and there was a man sitting at a desk with blond hair. I asked if he was Donald he said NO. Then he proceeded to tell me Donald sold the company but he still owns 1%, and he comes maybe 2-3 times a year! I told him I purchased a home form him about 10 years prior. That I was a friend of the family and could he give me his address and phone number! Surprised he gave it to me I asked him to call all the employees up front. When they came out I proceeded to tell his employees what he did to me. The guy that was at the desk had tears in his eyes and said he was so sorry that that happened to me. The other two listened then walked away. It did not make me feel any better. But I left there with Donald address to where he moved, it was to Michigan. Awhile later I looked him up on Facebook and copied all of his friends. I prayed for years to God to take the memories away. I was injured in an accident pretty bad and when they took my deposition at the end they asked me about my childhood. I was shocked and asked my my attorney did I have to answer that, I was told yes. Needless to say I had somewhat of a breakdown excused myself crude in the other room. When I went back in where the attorneys were I was numb. About after a month or two later with this eating it’s way through me. I texted my lawyer and asked why he asked me that and how on earth could that have anything to do with me being hurt at the department store, she said it does and it doesn’t.
        I started doing research and found that being abused when you are a child it recks hovic on your body with healing. Please do research about this I have been very sick above having 3 surgeries since my accident. Now I’m going to see if a lawyer will take my case it is proven over and over with much research. It lists everything that I’m going through to a tee! I’m going after him with all I have left. I want revenge and I have all his friends saved. I’m not sure if revenge is my way but I do know my soul has been destroyed i

    • marc says:

      I am having similar issues. I am the victim or childhood sexual abuse, I don’t even bring it up anymore – but anytime a conversation starts steering in that direction, my mother and grandmother keep saying how awful their life has become because of this. My grandmother brought an incident up that she witnessed and i preceded to ask her what she did when she saw and instantly got defensive and raising her voice. I never raised my voice and was trying to have a calm neutral conversation about it. She continued to get angry and was telling me to get off my high horse and shame on me for bringing it up – when in fact SHE is the one who brought the subject up.

    • poppy johnson says:

      hi im new to this saw a post which triggered n now im fking lost and trying to seek some obviously muvh needed help after previous failed attempts

    • Shirley Munson says:

      Everybody’s story is different but we all feel the same this site has helped me alot just talking about it we’ll help you xx

    • Dean Evans says:

      I’ve finally after years of wondering what is up with me found my self here!
      So when I was really young I was beaten bye my mum and farther and I mean hit and kicked hard! I can remember one time whilst on holiday I urinated in my pants… And that is the nature of my repetitive life cycle… How can someone that’s on holiday with there parents suffer abuse?
      I must have such a priverlaged life!
      Yeah so.. the physical abuse I can remember from at least my earliest memories being in fear of being physically hurt..but I can not remember any emotional abuse! But I wouldn’t know any different at such a young age!
      My earliest memories of the emotional abuse home from my feelings of worthlessness they stem from around the age of around ten…. After alot of the physical beatings had become alot less frequent…but the fear was still there and I new if I crossed certain lines they would be there….which did happen I can remember they never left obvious marks on me put I can still feel the thud’s hitting the back of my head now!
      Anyway I reached high school and I was so scared and timid of everyone!
      Right through high school I mask over all my abuse (now it had become emotional more than physical) all though I can remember many good kickings off my dad in particular through that period! I remember one time I had apparently been misbehaved and I ran to my room! …. I quickly pulled the handle of the door because the screw’s were lose and pulled the bar out the mechanism do he could not get in….. It took him three kicks of the door to take it of the hinges then he laid into me big time!…. He then went down stairs with my mother and carried on with his evening… Why I lied there with all this damage around me feeling even more scared of this man!
      Over the years he has befriended me and got into my mind!.. He has ill advised me to do stupid things that have progressively messed up my life… I don’t know what I have done to this man to disserve this?..
      I’ve being victim to so many years of emotional abuse. I will list some small things that he has done that contribute to my current mind and my physical and emotional health:
      Beat me as a child
      Constant mental abuse
      Telling me he was his friend and abusing that trust
      When I start a new job, being there or around the situation
      Stealing things from me regardless of its importance
      Hiding things then putting them in open place’s
      Always calling and saying am crazy and mentally ill
      Every time I have a doctor’s appointment or on that case have been referred to anyone you have always got to be there
      Constantly over loading me with negative thoughts like “will die lonley”
      Playing all my family members of against me to the point that I can speak to them any more
      I remember when my dad wouldn’t let me see my friends at an adult age see again…helpless and trapped…. The next morning he told me to get out my room… I was so angry! I decided to tell everyone why I was in my room.. before I could put my point across he had punched me in the face! And when I got up my mother called an ambulance! I later found out my family had been to visit him! But he was released with no real diagnosis!
      So the abuse continues I think my sister’s is like me but they don’t show it as they seem to be repeating words of abuse that my father would say .. The more I remove my self from him!
      What should I do? I’m still dependent on this guy that’s made my life so horrible!

    • Tray says:

      It has been 36 years since my step-mother sexually abused me. I am so tired of living with guilt, shame, insecurity, all the while trying to “protect” my father from the truth when what I have really done is help her get away with what she did and potentially enabled her to repeat her sick behavior.
      I have a growing, burning desire to make the truth known to end her arrogant bliss and set myself free.
      This was the very first post I read upon my very first search. Definitely something I must consider and research applicable laws. I’m in Michigan if that matters. Anyone with info, please don’t hesitate to offer. I do feel somewhat better after writing this. Is it common that as victims we carry more guilt than the predators do?

      • Marie Anne says:

        Tray, don’t be afraid to confront her or be afraid to met others know what she did. No matter how many years she is still accountable. Unfortunately the statute of limitations may have ended to prosecute her but still let her know you have never forgotten and make it know to others. We are not defined by the abused we suffered and survived.

    • Lisa Marie Stewart says:

      I read some post, and was encourage by all the strength you ladies have, I was molested at 13 and my mom never left my Dad so I got into this routine every thing is ok. I remember trying to commit suicide and fail attempt in bathtub. I am now 39 and still so upset and feel shameful, I think I ok but I’m struggling with no accountability at all.. I just found out days ago he also hurt another family member. I’m so disgusted and crying all the time. When you don’t resolve issues as a kid they come with you also in adult hood..

      I’m going to get myself some help mentally. Tired of pretending I’m ok when I’m not.

      • talisha jonice evans says:

        Lisa omg you are so right. I want to start by saying I’m so sorry for your abuse and the lack of protection you got from your mother. I am dealing with the same issue. Once I told my mother about the abuse from 10-11 my stepfather was confronted and did one day in jail and a year of unsupervised probation(1992) he was convicted but never lost his job or had to register as a child molester. My mom ended up going back to him once the dust settled. They eventually divorced but had 2 girls together, that she let him raise, and is still close friends with him to this day. I was forced to go along with it all of these years so I didn’t “break up the family” causing so many problems with my life, the way I trust, how I feel about sex, the way I raise my children and on and on. I’m 41 and just now realizing the devastating effects my mother’s poor decision making has had on my life and how little responsibility she takes for it. I’m never being quiet about their lack of love and proper support ever again. I feel like a new person everyday I wake up and realize that it is literally all their fault because a child can’t pick what family they’re born into. I hope you continue to question the “normal” and continue to seek answers and therapy. You will get to that safe place on the other side one day soon.

    • whoknows says:

      same and they shut down my phone plan, stole my car, and birth certificate all things I paid for, and broke my jaw for singing a holiday song.

    • Mrs. A. says:

      That’s my mom too. I’m so sorry.

    • Ray says:

      Did you win the court case?

    • Carlyle Ferrin says:

      Same!!! Thank you for the post!!

    • Jordan says:

      I was molested when I was 3 and probably a lot of times before and after that. I was 4 when my mom noticed something was wrong. The man never got charged because I used the word “Hooha.” “Daddy touched my hooha.” I’m 18 now and it’s been so long. I want him to get what he deserves but in scared. I don’t even know how to start.

  2. les ravenhill says:

    I have just remembered some horrific abuse I suffered as a child and pubesant teenager and not sure what to do with all this stuff reappearing any help please

    • HAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry to hear that and I can only imagine the horrors you must be dealing with right now. Your first port of call should be at HAVOCA’s First Step section. This guides you through options that are available to you as a victim/survivor.

      The first few days/weeks and months can be the most harrowing. I recommend you take a look at joining the HAVOCA Survivor Forums; there are hundreds of other survivors on their offering each other support and guidance.

    • Cathy says:

      Hello…As a victim of childhood abuse myself, it is important to know that you should truly seek professional help. I thought that I had gotten over everything that I had gone through as a child until I began abusing my own child. I protected my child at all cost from sexual abuse but didn’t realize that I had began physically abusing my child trying to keep them in line. I had been raised to believe that spanking a child was the Godly way until I accidentally swung a purse at my 10year old for not doing what I had told him. When I swung the purse I had no idea that they were holding breakables in their hand that broke and the child were cut in the face. I love my child to death and would do anything to protect him but I had to realize that I had to deal with my abuse first. While i don’t know if you have children or not is irrelevant, I do know that you have to deal with your anger and hurt first. You are no good to anyone else if you are broken yourself. Professional help is the only way to go…Cathy

      • Zyla says:

        I am 45 and have abused my adult children for many years by allowing them to abuse me and not hold them accountable for their deplorable actions, etc. Too many details to type but I can totally see how being sexually/physically abused as a child can spill over into owns very own parenting choices and behaviors. I just wish I would of recognized my issues sooner before creating adult dependency with my own children. It’s a real struggle and I pray for healing and closure of sorts.

  3. Fiona Annette Davis says:

    I was abused at the age of 10 back in Ireland by three local boys and following that was regularly targeted by another group of local boys for a few months! At 15 my friends father began to take an interest in me and eventually brought me over here to London where he made me pregnant and then chucked me out at 2 in the morning with a 10 day old baby

  4. Fiona Annette Davis says:

    In the last few years I have had to return to Ireland to appear at two court cases related to this man. He`d been abusing his youngest child so that brought it all back again! I have since found out that he has abused all of his children!

  5. KENNYMACK says:

    Hi I am a first time user in his 40’s after years of hiding away at last I am seeking help for male survivors of CSA and hope to get help from this forum

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thanks for posting a comment on the site.

      To join the forum please visit this link.

    • Pr.Timothy Slutter Sr. says:

      Hi Kennewick, I understand your need to hear from other men that have survived CSA. I am 55 and have been in intensive therapy for 12 years. I am fortunate that I am a father and a grandfather and have not continued the abuse. I would love to see if I can be of any help. I am a minister now and specialize in helping folks with all kinds of problems. Past and present. Let me know

  6. Paul Sherman says:

    I have had some issues during my adult life due to a horrible childhood. I was abused by my Adoptive Mother after them taking me in when I was 3 years old. She had many issues and was abused herself. When I didn’t bond with her or call her “mommy’ she only got angered. I was removed from a violent environment with my biological family, so I was already showing signs of fearfulness and trust issues. I was taken from my adoptive home at 9 years old after setting a fire and doing minor vandalism things in the neighborhood. I was Diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder and Depression. Their right were terminated and I continued in State Homes. They tried a couple of Foster Families but unfortuneately had trouble adjusting. I was being molested by an EMT/Cop who was a friend of the family. I also was raped at 11 while a runaway from one of the State Homes. I won’t go on with my whole childhood but by 18 had moved 60 times and did well well in the safety of the State Homes but struggled in the couple of families. I experienced issues of people pushing boundaries even in my early adult life. I have basically been on my own in this world trying to make a life for myself. I blame myself for so much and really haven’t dealt with the sexual abuse, I’m embarrassed to talk about it. I tried figuring out the name of one individual but never followed through. I ended up setting another fire after begging my State Worker to get me out. He said give it more time. I was afraid to tell anyone, I loved the family and just wasn’t mature enough or have the insight to the situation. I clearly have many regrets. The persons wife told the Police because of a Divorce issue but when they came to talk to me they intimidated me, I was also worried about being made fun of by the kids in the home. Where kids can be brutal. The whole incident started when I had a rash in my groin area, despite e being uncomfortable showing him, telling him I could put stuff on myself, he used his EMT experience as a reason why he should. I’m sorry for going on so long, I could say so much more but I have nobody in my life and have had too many highs and lows, I need to get it out and deal with it. Thank you for listening.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing Paul. I agree with you that getting things out there and dealing with it is the right thing to do, but I also know and acknowledge how hard that can be. I cant recommend our forums enough, it will give you the opportunity to share with others, anonymously and at your own pace. You can find them here:

  7. kurt says:

    When I was about 3 to 4 years of age my father would take me into the restroom and tape my foreskin back with the old white medical tape. I then would get an erection and it would tear the skin. this went on every day. for months on end. I know that he done this to help my foreskin to stay back, because my family had a big argument about should I be circumcised or not. I wasn’t. Yet the trauma has affected my sexual well being all through my life. To this day I can’t go a day with out toying with it. Some times I feel like cutting it off. I feel like a pervert. And I feel that this is holding me back from living a fuller life.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing your horrific story.

      Dealing with childhood trauma can be a daunting task but reaching out is a really brave first step.

      Like any type of trauma it is important you get the right help. In the first instance we would always recommend seeking professional help, this can be backed up with hunting for information, trying to decipher which bits apply to you and then using the therapy and the information to build a road map for recovery. Its a painful task and isn’t always straight forward but it can be done. You might also like to consider sharing some or all of your story on our forums.

      Good luck with the journey.

  8. paul says:

    after being abused at the age of 11 I kept this a to myself for 40 years not telling anyone. after I had a break down and ended up in hospital when my breakdown was happening I told my daughter about the abuse. after 1 year and a great deal of thinking I reported my abuser to the police its been 1 year since I reported him and the police have arrested him. the case has now gone to to cps so now its a waiting game to see if they are going to prosecute. since I have reported my abuser I haven’t had any support from my faimley its seems to me that they are thinking ive made it up any feedback to where I can get some support thankyou

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thank you for your comment. Reporting an abuser is a tough and brave choice. I hope CPS are able to prosecute and give you the closure you need. Support is available professionally through the Association of Child Abuse Lawyers who can be found here:

      Alternatively, psychological support really depends on your needs and aspirations. Our forums might be a good place to start ( or if you would like one to one advice/support the National Association for People Abused in Childhood have a support hotline (details can be found here:

      Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. If you need anymore help/direction then feel free to contact us.

      • M.R.H please leave your comment here. says:

        I would like to know how I can contact you on-line and talk about the abuses suffered in my family from my youth and the abuses I suffered being a homeless person.

  9. giao says:

    I don’t know how to tell my story, I live in Vietnam, I don’t speak English fluently. I was abused when i was about 8 year old by two cousins they were older than me, I kept queit to myself and now I’m 25 years old still strugg with it, I had no friend, no trust in people… and I know i need help but in my coutry it’s very very hard to find help in this cases. I want to learn English to get a good jobs make money and go far away to build my life again.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thanks for leaving a comment. We understand that some countries are very difficult to find help in. Please use the internet to your advantage perhaps by finding an online counsellor or just by joining a survivors forum. You can find many examples but the HAVOCA Survivor forum can be found here.

      I hope you find the support you are looking for.

  10. Kimberly, 4-18+ says:

    I was sexually abused from the age of 4-18 by multiple abusers. The worst one was when I was 15-18 yes. He was my “boyfriend.” He really messed with me mentally, on top of the repeated, nearly daily sexual abuse and rape. He was a black belt in some kind of karate, and he used that to physically and mentally. He would threaten to kill my family if I told anyone, or tried to leave him. So, my fear for my family’s safety kept me compliant and with him. My senior year in high school, I figured out a way to get him to leave me. I had wrote him a carefully worded letter, telling him that it was all my fault. He bought it and we broke up. I survived. A year later when I was in college “surviving,” I was raped. It happened because I was drunk, my favorite coping mechanism! A year after that, I married the 1st man to treat me with respect. We had 2 children, I went to a therapist and felt better, despite not telling her any details of my abuse. Now, 20 years later, I have started having flashbacks, nightmares, and horrible anxiety. I’m seeing a therapist again, but I’ve NEVER had all these issues before. I feel I’m going crazy. I don’t know how to help propel myself out of this rut!

  11. Andrew Baranello says:


    I am looking for a healthy and supportive group to aid me in getting out of my dysfunctional family. I am 23 and was out for 2 years and got sucked back in because of my inability to work for myself and sustain my life. I am back with my mom and I can’t get out of this terrible situation. My parents are guilt tripping, manipulative, and abusive and It’s like I’m back in my childhood all over again after getting over depersonalization disorder. All I need is someone to take me in so that I can heal these wounds properly and start my life. My binge eating problem is getting worse by the day and other health problems are manifesting because of it. Do you know anyone that can help me get out of here?



    • HAVOCA says:


      I’m sorry you’ve find yourself back in an abusive environment. The resources available to you are really dependant on where you live. IN the UK we have the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) they have a support line and do group meetings etc. Failing that have you seen our resources page? In particular you might to search for a therapist or group in your area.

  12. Amy says:

    I’m glad to have discovered this site. Glad someone cares. I also struggle from an abused childhood and now suffer from an eating disorder & depression. Thought I’d gotten out and had left THAT part of my life behind and now understand that is impossible to completely escape the trauma.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing Amy. I’m glad you’ve found the site useful. Trauma and stress are difficult to expel but it is possible to overcome the effects. So although you cant completely escape you can minimise their impact.

      I’m not sure if you’ve read ‘Overcoming Childhood Trauma‘ but I would highly recommend it.

  13. Canadian girl says:

    Hello everyone,

    My brother and I have recently began discussing the extreme emotional, verbal, and physical abuse that occurred throughout our childhood. There were several events I had completely forgotten, or something I remembered but my brother had no memory of. We are planning to compile a few of the most traumatic moments and confront our mother regarding the abuse she put us through. I know she was abused herself as a child and now, after abusing us through our childhood, demonstrates severe narcissism. I’m worried she is incapable of feeling sorry for what’s happened or even admitting what’s been done.

    The thing that upsets me the most is that lately, as her narcissism has increased, she has begun taking credit for every accomplishment in my life. When I was a child, my mother took us through drivethru every night for dinner until I was clinically morbidly obese. After becoming an independent adult I started eating healthy and working out, but when the topic comes up she refuses to acknowledge that I worked hard to get to a healthy place in my life by saying things like, “That’s MY girl” or “I guess I raised you right to be such a healthy adult.” The irony is painful – I am a healthy adult DESPITE everything she has done for me.

    I’m sorry for the long rant. Clearly I have some things I need to work out and I know this is not as extreme as some of the other adult victims that have posted. My heart goes out to you all.

    I wish I knew a better way to deal with the anger that has developed over the years. I used to be a weak and emotionally-abused girl, but now I feel strong and confident in myself but have a very hard time controlling my temper. Any advice at all would be very appreciated.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure. Have a look at our next step section. You might also like to join our forums and share your story there. We have thousands of members who will be happy and willing to offer their advice.

      I think from what I’ve read you are along the right lines. You have acknowledged the anger you feel and the issues this has caused. Talking about these things is half the battle. I would recommend finding a therapist too, professional help can be so important in coming to terms with the past. The bottom line from my perspective would be for a therapist to try and support you overcome how much weight you place on your Mother’s reactions. Instead you need support to move forward without the threat of her ‘opinions’ and ‘judgements’ affecting you.

      I’m not a professional so my opinion comes from the heart and is purely based on experience gathered working with Survivors. I hope some of what I’ve said is useful.

      I hope to see you on the forums.

    • Cathy says:

      Hello…I would suggest that you seek professional help. I also were verbally, physically and emotionally abused as a child and have moments where I feel as though I can’t control my anger. I began repeating the same abuse towards my 10year old where I have had to take control of my feelings and seek help. I thought I were simply being a strong single parent who were concerned about their child until I saw some of the same signs of abuse in myself. Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t been born because of all the guilt that I feel. However I know that help is there for me and now my child. Make sure that you keep a journal and try to read though it once a week to see your progress. I would also suggest some sort of therapy to assist you in your journey of anger and abuse.

    • Tara says:

      We have similar mothers and now we’re always angry. Sad

  14. Gary says:

    I have recently begun some significant counseling due to a situation with a abusive spouse and the need to protect my children as well as the physical violence was escalating in front of the children, I currently have Sole 100% legal and 100% Physical custody at the mandate of CPS court. I requested to go through some pretty thorough psych evaluations – because I wanted to be held to the same standard as what i was asking for my spouse to go through. I’ve been diagnosed with Severe PTSD after about 40 hours and multiple batteries of testing – i essentially began looking deeper into myself, my childhood and development. I am the survivor of nearly 50 years of verbal and emotional abuse and control, primarily by my wealthy father who over the 7300 days i lived at home i estimate called me a failure (or equivalent) over 20,000 times – called me lazy approximately 40,000 times, and told me about 10,000 times that i would never amount to anything. This same pattern has continued since. How am i estimating these – well there was a clear pattern, Monday though Saturday when my mother and me would fear him coming home, nothing was ever good enough, my mother and i didnt clean the house well enough etc… On Sunday he took off and was pleasant – the reference was that he was “God” and Sunday was a day of rest for him and us. The torture he has done with money defies words. It is a sick sick game. through both assessments and brain scans it is evident that there have been permanent changes similar to brains of soldiers exposed to violent combat situations, these two brain areas — the anterior insula and the amygdala — which experts say are associated with detecting potential threats. If as a teenager today, i were to report his behavior to the appropriate authorities i am confident that it meets the criteria of Torture and Aggravated Psychological Mayhem, under the California Penal Code.
    Many may say just let this go, however i am unsure what to do as for a while in breaking free from his influence i was extremely successful in the business world making nearly 7 figures. However, the appealing to wanting more as human nature, is what he did to draw me back in, at first encouraging me, then consistently telling me how i wasnt good enough until today, where at his direction i have liquidated all of my retirement assets, and having been unemployed for 2 years am now on welfare and doing everything I can to provide my two children a better life. My father has said, that $100.00 per week is more that enough to live in the SF Bay Area for everything except housing. Well that’s my intro… a bit of a rant, the emotions and feelings that have been exposed recently are very raw.

    • Gary says:

      I would also add that there are 3 physiological manifestations of illnesses directly correlated to this type of stress – one of which is a cardiac condition.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry you’ve found the need to search out our website but I’m glad you’ve found us.

      You might like to try joining our survivor forums where you can share your story with other likeminded people in a bit more safety.

  15. Nikki Mckillop says:

    Tomorrow I go to report being sexually abused by my step mother twenty years ago. I feel like I must report it, even if she doesn’t get in trouble. But I am scared and nervous. Kinda nauseous.

  16. Cece says:

    i was molested by my grandfather all through my elementary and junior high years as well as raped repeatedly by his girlfriends son at the same time. My mother made me tell her my senior year of high school after an incident where one of my friends tried to kill themselves while i was on the phone one night she “couldn’t understand what i would have in common with people like them” she seemed sad that her dad would do something like this the day i told her but never brought it up again. He even still comes around today 6 years from when i told her. I’ve recently been expressing anger toward everyone and she felt i need some help with my “issues” so she sent me to 2 different therapist and her only concern was if i was making her look bad. is there a program we both can attend so she can understand what i am going through?

    • HAVOCA says:

      It sounds like you need joint therapy but that would need her acceptance and acknowledgment in order to attend.

      I’m sorry this has happened to you. Denial is a factor for many people whose lives have been touched by abuse.

    • I will stop it. says:

      Your mom is in denial. She should be initiating the therapy. Your therapy may be to get away from her and your grandfather. He may have done the same to her.

  17. Shea says:

    I havent thought about the abuse that I had suffered throughout my life in a very long time. Then last night I had an… ‘accident’. Then all these memorys began to float back about how my stepmother would make me sleep in my bed even if it was soaked from me wetting the bed and wouldnt let me shower in the morning so that everyone would know that I was a filthy bed wetting child. She would make me swallow dishsoap because I was ‘lying’. She would beat me with one of her leather belts with studs or a ladle from the kitchen and sometimes hit me so much and so often, I couldnt go to school because I would have brusies and welts. For a short while, when I turn 19, my parents got a divorce and my father was finally told everything that my stepmother would do to me. I had never seen my father cry before. He had no idea. He had been in and out of prisons my whole life, and when he wasnt, he was working. I thought that I would be able to put it all behind me with her no longer being in my or my fathers life, but he went back to her!
    Nothing set a horrible taste in my mouth like when I have to look at her and say “I love you too!” I feel like I’m dying everytime I think about how I grew up. I just want to love myself and feel like a person. Not her punching bag.

  18. Kevin Hewitt says:

    Hi it’s my first time on here not sure what to say that the moment but like you I’ve taken the first step

  19. M.C says:

    I am a victim of prolonged child abuse at the hands of my step brother from the age of 14-18.i was forced to take photos and sign contracts controlled by blackmail.
    I am now 30 but have never sought counseling.maybe I was and am too ashamed that it parents swept it under the rug.i was basically deemed a liar.and I fel so an adult with two girls of my own I h become very protective of them in fear it should happen to them.i have no contact with my siblings and I have that same uneasy gut feeling when I see families with brothers and is hard to see a normal family.i don’t drink or do drugs to cope.i simply keep it deep affects my mind in form of severe insecurities and depression.i know I need to deal with what happened it’s j extremely difficult.

  20. Mira says:

    I am not an abused survivor. Quite the opposite, I was treated very well and received lots of love and encouragement. However, I find myself attracted to men who where victims of childhood abuse. I am a very empathetic person, and often find myself in relationships where I desire to help build a man’s self esteem. I’m trying find the balance in this. I searched this page out, in hopes of finding some tools to help me understand and do a better job with a sometimes seemingly impossible situation. Thanks so much!

    • Dwayne Godwin says:

      Mira it sounds like your a loving caring person. I have had a horrific child hood and struggle everyday. I hurt everyone close to me. The point is go carefull. But at the same time keep up caring its nice to hear x

  21. Icanttell says:

    Im 22 years old and i cant live my life peacefully since i was abused. My stepbrother started to abuse me since i was six if im not mistaken. He stoped when i started getting my period. I have been keeping this as a secret and its killimg me. Im not the person i want to be. I wish i could tell someone but i cant its hard when ur leaving in malaysia. People here is not that open minded and they will judge. I dont think i will get any help. I dont know how my parents will react especially mom since the abuse happen when she was taking care of us while dad is in indonesia for work. What should i do?

    • HAVOCA says:

      We have sent you an email.

      • Judy says:

        Please help me I am 60 years old and my 40 year old son said he was molested by my brother 30+ years ago. He is angry because I just moved back home two years ago and I speak to my brother I have never knew anything about it until now. My son expects me to stop speaking to my brother. And just cut him out of my life with no explanation. I don’t understand please someone help me what am I supposed to do. My phone says if I do not cut him out of my life and I am disrespecting my son. Please someone help me

    • Diane illingworth says:

      I am 52 and was abused for as long as I can remember I have two children aged 28 and 32 and was determined they would not have the life I did.
      My daughter has met an abusive man and taken my grandchild to live with him.
      I now don’t recognise her she has turned out like my family.i am glad I found this site

  22. Jacquelyn says:

    I was sexually abused by multiple adults between the age of 10 and 14, most of them were my foster parents and one was my social worker. I never reported anything that happened because I was afraid of what they would do to me and I also knew it was better to be in foster homes than group homes. However, one day another foster kid reported it. Nothing really happened other than I was moved homes. But it went in my file and when my parents rights to me were restored they found out… My father became more physically abusive because of this knowledge. He always said it must have been my fault or I let it happen and he couldn’t believe his daughter was such a slut and disappointment.. I never really faced anything that happened to me.. Until I saw one of my foster parents that molested me in Target. Everything I had always pretended never happened came rushing back. I feel so much pain and guilt. I realize that the events of the past have had effects on the way I behave such as alcohol use and other dangerous behavior from a young age. But I just don’t know what I should do now? Is there anything out there to help me or am I out of luck?

    • HAVOCA says:

      There is always something that can be done! It is never the victims fault. Never.

      We always recommend getting professional help through therapy or counselling. Our section on the topic should put you in the right ball park for sussing out what might or might not be right for you. If you’d like to chat to other survivors and find out what has worked for them then why not join our forums.

  23. Emma Carr says:

    I’m not sure if this is the correct place but I suffered horrendous physical and mental abuse at the hands of my mother and have been addicted to drugs on and off. last year I came to some money and because I was so desperate for my mum still at 34 to love me I helped her since then she has gone back to the vicious person from my childhood. I feel the only way to move my life forward is to c some justice, all my relationships have been violent, I cannot love and I lost my beautiful children last year because I couldn’t kick the drugs I am now ready but I have not one person. Last week I tried to kill myself after some abusive messages, please someone help me I am pregnant baby due in five weeks and if I can learn to believe in myself instead of blaming and hating myself I could keep this child and get my other children home. I’m very alone in this world the one thing I did a great job with was my children and I need closure to move forward. I said not sure if right place because most of the comments are sex u all abuse

    • HAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry you’ve found the need to contact us. Everyone has the right to become a survivor and then to thrive. Child abuse and the destruction it leaves behind can be healed. It is important you realise you arent alone, our forums are testament to that. In order for us to advise you fully we’ve sent you an email, feel free to respond to that.

  24. Soni says:

    i am 58 yrs old and i have been suffering abuse from the the age of 7 from family members (sexual form) i don’t remember much very little, as i try to block it out.

    over the years theres has been various kinds of abuse, i have two marriages but not love. presently my husband has dementia and is violent at times. my son has psychosis and turns his rage and anger on me. his father and grand father has been abusers of women. so i guess thats where his anger towards me come from as well as the fact that i ran away from his abusive father when he was tree and although i have sent him money and gifts, all his life he has never felt love and regarded to me i have to be careful because i might trigger his anger.

    i am tired and i wouldl love to recieve counseling.

  25. Lexi says:

    Where to begin… my abuse started after my dad got married. The step mom and my dad never physically hit me save a few moments I would get spankings by my dad for doing something bad. (That was rare and only happened twice in my young life). What was bad was that while my dad was the only one I felt safe around he was gone a lot. I had three step sisters and an older step brother. The youngest (just a year under me) would physically beat me, pull my hair, throw me to the ground by my hair, kick me, punch. If I retaliated in any way I had all the other step kids ready to come in her defense and give me a worser thrashing. I tried to speak out but my dad would only be able to believe the many voices against my own, I learned that nothing I could say would matter. If people took notice in me or gave me extra attention, the beatings were worse when I got home. I started to grow more and more afraid and lived in absolute terror. My step brother (who was 8 or so years older than I) would grab me by my neck and choke-slam me against the wall and threaten to kill me if I ever ‘came near his family or touched them’ I didn’t know what to do, those threats happened once a month even when he became an adult. I was too scared to leave my room to go eat, use the bathroom, get a drink of water. The only time I left was to go to school, my only safe haven save for one fact, I shared a class with that step sister. I only ever ate at home if I snuck out of my room to steal a handful of raisens or I was so dizzy from the lack of water I’d try to drink from the bathroom sink hoping I wasn’t noticed. I wondered every day if I would live through the weekend if I would ever see my biological brother and mother ever again. That was my life from 8-15. I was finally allowed to return home to live with my mom but the damage was done and I was still afraid to talk about it, afraid that I would find my stepbrother outside my home ready to kill me. Even now I’m afraid. I wanted was a safe place to grow, a loving family, a mom to hug me and tell me that I was loved and that I mattered. I’m now 28 and never got help, never talked about it. My only escape was video games and school. I barely know how to take of myself. For the longest time I held on to a naive dream of having that happy childhood and now that veil has crashed down around me. And I barely scratched the surface here, the only thing thats stopped me from suicide is the fact I know how much it would hurt those friends and family I do have and that do care about me… I’m tired of living in fear, I’m tired of living with this pain. I tried to start counseling or therapy but they are making me wait over a month to see anyone and I’m barely keeping it together.

  26. Eric Mckenzie says:

    Hi all ,
    As a adult for child abuse victim survivor . I would like to meet one of your associate in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia due to prevent my identity and keep this confidentiality.

    • HAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry Eric, HAVOCA does not have any ‘associates’ we are purely an online organisation that tries to provide resources for survivors worldwide. If you can contact us explaining exactly the sort of support you think you need we may be able to assist you in finding the right help.

  27. Lexi says:

    i’m 20 years old…i was eight when i was sexually abused by my uncle. It went to court and he won the case as i couldn’t answer one question apparently “i dreamt it”. I recently saw him in a store and found out he lives opposite a school, i don’t want anybody to go through what i did..even now it effects me. How can i stop him? is it too late to get justice for what he has done?

    • HAVOCA says:

      Its never too late, although the longer you leave it the harder it can become to find justice. We recommend you contact a member of the Association of Child Abuse Lawyers (ACAL). They should be able to guide you through the process.

    • Ali Nawaz Thaver says:

      This sucks! I am a victim of sexual abuse by my father too. I haven’t gone to the cops against him yet and I plan to move out of the house. In your case, I’d suggest, find a better lawyer and fuck his ass up! Try try till you succeed! Amen!

  28. Mr.X says:

    I need advice and help.

    My wife has severe depression, she spent her teenage years cutting herself and tried to kill her self several times. It all stems from being abused and raped by different men through bee childhood. She has never spoke out about it, the only person she has ever told is me. She was happy with me for so long and told me I made her forget about those things. Recently her depression has spiralled she is on new and harder medication and refuses to talk to me anymore about what has happened. I feel talking about it might help her and it might also help if she told someone else…like the police and got some justice for what happened. But I don’t have a clue how to start this conversation. I just want her to be happy again.

  29. Quest says:

    Looking for some guidance or advise in dealing with abusive elderly father. Trying to understand my own feelings, as well as discover some solutions on how to handle future issues.

    • HAVOCA says:

      If you cant find what you need on these web pages feel free to use our contact form to drop us a line, detailing what support you need and we’ll do our best to help.
      Sometimes just reading through all these pages, with a journal and pencil, making notes as you go, can help provide clarity and direction.

  30. Rebe2008 says:

    Trying to find out the first step in the healing processes as an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

    • HAVOCA says:

      Youve come to the right place. Take your time and read through this section. You might find it helpful to write down any ideas or feelings you have as you use the menu on the left to navigate through the pages.

  31. Mr. D says:

    I went through sexual abuse when I was a pre-teen and I understand that PTSD can be a result of it. I am also a combat veteran and have PTSD from war that have compounded onto the previous my experiences. I am at a point where I feel this burden that I need to tell someone and get help but I am truly SCARED. I feel as though I’m losing it and I don’t know where to start getting help. I haven’t told anyone AT ALL. I am now 32 and, as I said, I feel this need to tell someone but don’t know how or who.

  32. Mr. D says:

    Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

    • HAVOCA says:

      It really depends where you are from and what your current situation is. Have you seen our therapy section? We always recommend professional help in the first instance. They will be able to help you shape your recovery, prioritise the issues and recommend a way forward.

  33. Cindy Hernandez says:

    My mother physically, emotionally and mentally abused me. My dad to this day, worships the ground she walks on. One particular incident occurred when I was about 6 years old. My mother washed my hair in the kitchen sink and was rough with it, so I ran out the back door and hide behind a big oak tree. She chased me down, dragged me inside, then threw my 40 pound body from above her head down to the hard kitchen floor. My sister, 4 years at the time was there and had witnessed the whole thing. For about 30 or 40 seconds, I lost my eyesight and my hearing, then finally came to. My sister was crying and my mother’s only response was, “Don’t tell your father!” She never took me to the pediatrician. My father wasn’t much better. He spanked with a leather belt for the slightest of reasons. I said a swear word around the age of 5, while playing next to my mother’s feet. He popped me in the mouth and said, “Don’t call your mother that!” I had heard him say that word on occasion. To make a long story short, I started having severe panic attacks that caused my whole body to shake and convulsed. I was unnaturally terrified of water and the dark. I began screaming in a state of panic at the age of 7, when the lights went out in a planetarium we were visiting. I have severe depression, I lost all of my friends because of the panic attacks and I had to drop out of LPN school because of the panic attacks. I wet and dedicated in my bed up until the age of 9. My dad and family laugh to this day at my fear of the dark. I have since forgiven them, but I can never forget. I’m 46 now and on disability because of bipolar disorder and severe panic attacks. I’ve been in 2 mental hospitals and attempted suicide three times. My parents are very religious. Id say Christian, but no Christian would hurt someone like this. Despite all this, I love my parents. I feel like I was robbed of a better life I could have had. I cry ALOT and no one cares. I cope the best I can, but secretly pray that I’ll die in my sleep. Who would take care of my cats though, I think.

  34. xxx says:

    could someone pleass help my brother has just reported our cousin to police for sexual assulting him 10 years ago. brother leave with his girlfriend and he very happy now. he hasn’t told us anything about it he saying police said he not allowed to discuss with me mum dad etc. we were very close to the cousin. but knowing this has torn the family apart. we don’t know what to do as we only know that cousin be arrest for the assult.. can the police tell my brother not discuss the case to us. x

    • Ali Nawaz Thaver says:

      I think your brother who reported your cousin needs more help. I have been sexually abused by my father too. Your brother did the right thing by reporting your cousin. Even if you don’t like hearing that, sexual abuse can destroy someone’s life! I’m still facing that destruction now! 🔥 As I said, your brother who reported needs more help! 🙂

  35. Donna says:

    This is not my 1st time on here but I do need to take the 1st step I just don’t know to do it

  36. Donna says:

    I’m 49 years old and I’m hurting so bad I don’t know where to turn or what to do everyone is telling me forget about it and move on but it’s not easy to do it’s just not that easy my life he’s just completely upside I wish someone in here can in taking the first step he’s telling me how do Istart

    • Lizzie says:

      Hi Donna, congrats on taking the first step. Although it feels like the hardest thing, speaking Up.. speaking about it helps A lot. A therapist can listen and help with your healing process. A friend, family member wld be great support too. I’ve suppressed my abuse for over 30 years and recently I decided to tell my was incredibly scary telling the first person but after the support I got from them helps with my recovery. Good luck my friend. Hope this helps. Oh.. P.S. if u don’t get support frm someone you’ve shared with don’t let that stop u.. keep sharing!

  37. Itze says:

    i was molester thru my childhood by different men. I cant remember but around 11 my friends stepfather abused/raped me im not sure i couldnt stay awake. Im 33 now and have made a mess out of my life, have had problems with alcohol, abandoned my children with my mom. I now have a toddler and have realized that maybe the abuse has been a part of the problem with the way i am and my depression. Can something be done to this man since its been so long? I feel as if mybe getting some closure will help

  38. Gunner says:

    I am having intense flashbacks over the last year and some physical symptoms twitching arm and pounding head. I can’t control my thoughts anymore I know that I was abused as a child very severely.and I thought I overcame this. I am a 40 year old man with two children and a woman that I have been with since I was 16. We have a good life . but I feel I am no good and I am torturing my family and I keep pushing them away. Lately I have found any reason to get her to leave me or I threaten to leave. Am I abusing my children in a another way when I zone out and not listen. Am I doing the one thing that I swore I would never let happen to them. Am I treating my spous with the respect and love she deserves , I know I am not and I don’t no how to when these flashes start it’s like I am someone else. I know better than this . But it’s like I want them to feel what I felt or am feeling. I don’t know why I would ever want that. And I know this is affecting my life , work , parenting, relationship. I am lost I have never spoke about the severity of the abuse to my wife. She knows a little but has no idea details. And I feel she thinks I should just be able to go on with everyday life and work on handling it on my free time. Tough to do when I can barley get through the day, hell even get outta bed sometimes. I have set an appointment for some help with this. And I am afraid I won’t get the words out . I think my spous is ready to leave me over how I treat her and my parenting skills. And maby I should just let her go. I want the best for her and my kids. Even if it’s not with me. And I don’t think this mountain I have to deal with is going to happen overnight. I have read so many stories of years of therapy. I never thought I would even think about needing help with this. But I do need help. Is it fair to her to put them on this road with me. I just can’t see how it could possibly be I need to let her go and see if I can reconcile after I get a grip on this? I just feel it might not ever happen. It has changed me. Whether I want it to or not. I look at things differently now. I used to be so confident in my actions and was sure about what was right for my family. Now I’m not sure of anything.

  39. brenda says:

    hi i was sexual abuse by one of mother s biker
    boyfriend for three years from 7,8,9 and she gave him the okay to do it and my dad walked away and now i am 51 and i am seeking help for it because trying to sleep at night is hard for me because that is when he would come in my room so my boyfriend his worried for me and is helping me get help for this he is a great support for me and i every day

  40. peter woodson says:

    Wow. I thought they were done. After years of lessened Abuse, my aunt posted a picture of me as a child dressed as a female against my will on my drunk fathers lap. It’s not even debateable it not not me. Every person who’s seen it agrees, except them. They get obviously nervous and say it’s my aunt. They are panicking and I’m scared what they will try.

  41. Caitlin says:

    My name is Caitlin I was sexually abused from the age of 5 till the age of 15 by a family member I struggle a lot n tried to commit sucide many times I also self harmed for years I recently told my family about the abuse but because I waited so long the police had no evidence I’m still not coping and don’t know what to do I was recommeded this site by a friends

  42. cathy oconnor says:

    my life has been very difficult. i need help and support.

  43. A P says:

    Good site which hopefully will help me back from the darkness !

  44. A Park says:

    Good site which hopefully will help me back from the darkness ! Reading others story’s helps !

  45. Jazzmin says:

    I was molested by a brother as a child. I only gained the courage to tell my mother a few months ago, before I even told her who it was she told me I was ruined and should have fought. I feel really stuck now and don’t know where to go for help.

  46. Paul says:

    Hi I don’t now were to start really was just looking for some help and advice I’m 46 and suffed abuse when I was 13 in my boring school iv lived with the secret all my life but it has eaten away at me and now I’m suffering with panic attacks every time I think of it any advice would be grateful thank paul

  47. lost69 says:

    hello everyone , im new to the site.. I find of late im reliving a lot of the abuse from my past..ive had flashbacks of things I thought were long forgotten buried only to find them resurface .memories ..hate..self loathing disgust pity I could go on..ive tried explaining all this to family members who fail to understand..meaning well they tell me to let it go ..but it never really does go away ..does it..?

  48. My mum and dad physicaly, mentally and sexually abused me.
    I’m nearly 50 , and i’m tired. I think most of the time it would be easier to be dead.
    What is the point, all around people are being hurt, getting no help.
    Left to try and make lives but really just waiting untill you can’t feel IT anymore.

    • 1deslandres says:

      You don’t have to live like that, you can start turning the tables on whoever is taking advantage of you and put a stop to it. My weapon of choice is my very loud voice and exposing wrongdoers

  49. Marija says:

    Last year I figured out that certain things in my childhood were emotionally abusive. My mother in particular was controlling, never validated my feelings or wishes, always questioned my decisions, and would freeze me out for days on end if I made simple reasonable requests.
    It persisted into my adulthood, my marriage, my becoming a mother myself… Always the same line… I’m always to blame, not good enough. .
    Since my marriage twelve years ago, I began distancing myself and setting up my own boundaries because essentially there were none. And putting my new family first…. The refrain was always there ..That somehow I was wrong, I was guilty of disrespect towards her etc. But I managed somehow to make decisions without worrying what she would think or say. Of course there were times that things really flared and hurt… But mostly, I coped. And tried hard to give my kids a childhood as different from mine as possible.
    Three years ago we moved overseas because of my husband’s work. Around the same time my daughter began evolving from a sweet kid into a surly teen. And a lot of problems suddenly shot up again… My daughter is currently going to that phase where she is hypercritical of her parents.. my husband seems to take it in his stride.. somehow I couldn’t. I feel about 2 feet tall again, constantly being told that I’m not good enough.
    Since I realised that my childhood might have been emotionally abusive, I’ve ping-ponged between a great rage …..(at my mom for doing this to me, my dad for never having done anything concrete to stop her, at people to whom I turned to for help but who always normalised this insanity, and invalidated my feelings) …. and a feeling that I’m really exaggerating this, and it wasn’t really as bad as I say… I often end up questioning my sanity.
    Things came really to a head this week..A friend (who has supported me greatly over the past few years) was supposed to be coming to stay with us for the holidays.. my daughter objected strongly, not least because she would have to give up her bedroom… She said things along the lines of you can’t make the right choices, you’re stupid, you’re too good (in my daughter’s eyes and my mother’s, that is no compliment)…. I swear to god it was like my brain was possessed. I got a tremendous fight or flight reaction and ended up blowing off my friend.
    I’m now feeling guilty but I hope to make things up, and I’m seeing this episode as a real turning point, in the sense that I need to do something about this… It was uncanny the way my daughter used the same words my mom used when I was a kid.
    Thanks for letting me ramble on. It’s my resolution for the new year to address this.

    • 1deslandres says:

      It took me years before someone revealed to me that if I ever had kids that I don’t have to grant my abusers grandparent rights. Neither do you. Not keeping your new family away from the poison will poison them

      • I will stop it. says:

        When my daughter said my step father made her touch is private. I immediately cut off contact. My mom ignored it. She stayed with the man. He drove her crazy with cheating, impregnating a special needs teenager and my mom went to jail because he would never work. She said the girl told her he forced the sex. My mom didn’t even call the police. She stole stuff from stores to support them just so she could stay with him. Now she is in her 60’s and he took off because she lost her place to stay. My mom is so wacked out now and will never be the same. I am glad I listened to my daughter when she told me all of this at a young age.

  50. Beth Haumann says:

    Today I am hoping to start a new life instead of wanting to do harm to myself. I am a 54 year old woman and I finally realize I allowed all the physical and verbal abuse to control my entire life because I wanted to be loved and to have a family that loved me back. My Mother physically and emotionally abused me and my Dad would step in when she got to close to strangling me and intervened. Out of 5 children I received it the worst from my Mother. It wasn’t until my Mother died two years ago did the secrets come out; even to the point of taking a DNA test to make sure my Dad was indeed my biological Dad. I also was then told all the stories by my Dad how my Mother cheated on him their entire marriage. I took care of my Dad and I was able to finally understand somewhat, he was an abused husband, he also tried to be the Mom to all 5 of us kids. All of us suffered, I was the one who was blamed, beaten and thrown away out of all of us. I didn’t realize until today the 1st Christmas to not have either of them here that I still carry the extreme emotional and physical scars. I have never taken the time to LOVE mySELF. I wanted the love from my Mother and Dad. I know my Dad loved me because when I was in my 20’s I had them both together at a picnic table and said Dad I want you to tell me the truth did Mom abuse me, my Dad answered Yes, my Mom answered, You deserved it. I didn’t deserve any of it, no one deserves to be abused either physically or emotionally. I know today even thru my tears that I want to live, I have alot to offer, I am talented and intelligent. I know now more than anything TODAY is the DAY for me to learn how to LOVE mySELF and only then will I allow others in.

  51. Arash says:

    I was abused as as child since I can remember, my dad ,my mom , my older brother , my uncle they all abused me physically , mentally and emotionally but the worst of them is who abused my when I was about 6 in a video games club. now I’m 24 and I’m worry about my relationships with my future wife, I’ve never told anyone and it’s the first time I’m telling it. recently I realized that I’m so angry and I can’t do anything for it. I still remember the memories and sometimes I feel so weak and I cry, I feel unstable in my relationships and I can’t really trust anyone ,I feel so alone. please help me

  52. Danielle Oshea says:

    I was 5 when it happen to me by my cousin resentlly I went to the gardas I’m now 25 still having flash back and nigh mares

  53. 1deslandres says:

    I also survived severe childhood abuse. Both of my abusers who happened to be my parents are gone. Unfortunately I’m in a legal battle right now for some kind of compensation from what my dad left behind. No one would talk so I couldn’t take my parents to court and sue them when they were living. Someone recently revealed I have certain survivor rights in my particular case right now, my dad left behind a life insurance policy and someone took advantage of him as his POA. It was a knowledgeable person who pointed out that in my particular and very unique case, I have certain survivor rights

  54. 1deslandres says:

    Sorry I ran out of room on the last post, this is a continuation. Everyone who happens to survive abuse at the hands of their parents should definitely look into what survivor rights they have and act on them. I think new laws should be made on behalf of anyone who was abused by their parents and live to tell it, they should be monetarily compensated out of the estates of the abusers

  55. Finallyhadcourage says:

    I am a survivor of child abuse …. I first experience was when I was four and my older brother started humping me I told my grandma not even knowing that it was wrong …shortly after that my family split …my step sibling weren’t staying with us anymore and I barley seen my father …my mom started dating this guy she worked with when she was 26 or 27 and I was 6 .. Shortly after that we all moved in together and I was happy to have another another dad. Before my 7th birthday he started touching me.. First it was bribing me with candy and the fair or money to suck his nipples…then it progressed to him rubbing his private against mine with clothes on

  56. as far back as I can remember…2-3 yrs.of age…I was physically and emotionally abused…I loved my father but always despised my mother…but my father was never home and never really heard anything i said…I have read some of the posts and am so empathetic…so this seems almost trivial…my father passed on 2014…my mother up to a year ago con’t the emotional abuse as she had all my life…of course not the physical like earlier in life…no specifics here…only that I finally don’t care anymore…told her off after decades of built up sadness and anger and absolutely no confidence or self esteem…but have a twin brother and a sister who is 10 years younger and now are not speaking to me at all…for my mother had a 2 faced demeanor….1 horrific to me and the other a martyr to others…I am too embarrassed to speak of it to anyone in life and then really with my 2 siblings not speaking to me..i wonder if I am the one with the problems…I now am just numb…I have had health issues the last 3 decades…bone tumors…heart surgery …bleeding ulcers… I have been in therapy for some years now for depression and anxiety …but all I can say is that I am just numb now…I have overdosed 2 times when I was young in high school…both times I remember my mother just screaming and beating me after I got home from the hospital and totally degrading and insulting me to the doctors while I was in the hospital…and thinking back what a fool I was to hurt myself and how I wanted to hurt her ..but that was not me…I have friends but no family now…I adored my lil sister…but was never close to my brother…so be it….thankyou for listening…

    • Stay strong! says:

      Is is your truth so don’t worry about what the think. Get stronger in your truth. If you live a lie or are in denial you will be the one hurt the most.

  57. Shirley Munson says:

    I don’t even know we’re to start but I’m here this is hard

    • Lee says:

      Don’t know where to begin myself, it feels so deep and so much has happened. Even though I stopped contact 5 years ago everything is swirling around my head and I fear for my safety from them.. I know what they done was wrong/against the law but I don’t know where to go for help, I feel so confused

  58. Shirley Munson says:

    How long ago was what happened do have anyone to talk to

    • Lee says:

      It was from the age of around 10 up to I decided I couldn’t take anymore from them which was about 4 years ago, I’m now 41, I’ve tried talking to a mate about it, he agreed what they done wasn’t normal but he is busy as most people are and doesn’t have the time to hear it all. As silly as it sounds it wasnt until I came across this website what had actually happened to me and that made me feel better in itself that it’s an actually recognised condition. I’ve purchased the invisable scar and read the first chapter but I find it quite difficult to read if you know what I mean.. sometimes I push it to the back of my mind as I’ve got to get on with life but it always crops back up again and guess it always will.

      • Shirley Munson says:

        I was 8 when it started i cant remember how long it was for or how many times I’m 42 now I’ve told all my friends now I’ve just found out my dad who I’ve only seen 3 times is not my dad i think its open up alot of wounds telling people is 1 thing but unless they’ve been through it they don’t understand

        • Lee says:

          You’re right they dont understand and about opening up old wounds, there’s not many people around that are qualified enough too understand, that’s half the problem. Im too paranoid to say too much more about my issues in case I get recognised, I know that the chances are small and may sound daft but it’s the way my mum’s made me think.

  59. SD says:

    Hi..I was also abused by a family member(a cousin)started at an age may be 6 to 8 years .Continued till Iam 13-14 years .Never told anyone about it.Dealing with depression,low self esteem,trying to block that phase but realized I have to deal with it.Very blessed to find this site.Just wanted somebody to talk to.Thanks.

  60. Shirley Munson says:

    When you’ve been told things for so long it’s hard think different but we are different but in a good way because we’re stronger that even we will ever know because we’re here x

  61. lee says:

    some days its easier to cope with than others, its pretty well wedged in the depths of my head now but occasionally something crops up that reminds me of something, i guess that’s just something ill have to get used to.

  62. Lorraine says:

    I have been abused all my like, experienced every form abuse there is. My mother started abusing myself and siblings as soon as we were born basically. This went on until I was 8 when she put us all in care, while there we were separated and beaten and abused by staff. After two years of this my mother decided some of us mainly the girls should live with her and her new man. Then the abuse got worse, sexual, emotional, physical . I went to the police aged 12 because I wanted the sexual abuse to stop and as a result my mother bear me so bad, she would watch the sexual abuse her man did to me. The beating left me with. Avery weak pelvis. The police laughed at me and called me names, they were disgusting to me. She kept me at home with rules after that I was to become their slave. Her man went on to sexually abuse my four sisters resulting in three children being born all to under age children. Still no one helped us. I eventually got away married a man only to be abused by him because I couldn’t carry children to term due to my weak pelvis, my eldest eventually died and my other two were very sick, all being born at 26 weeks. My husband told me because my past abuse and failure to give him a healthy child I was not a proper woman and kept me locked up for the next 20 years until, by some miracle he dropped dead. I had to learn how to do things, shop, money and speak to people all of which I had not done for so long. Then after a couple of years I decided I wanted justice for my lost childhood and my abuse. I went back to the police and after two long years it went to court. I got justice my mother and her man got 34 years in prison. Recently she died in prison but before she died she gave other inmates my name and they started sending me messages and calling me with abuse and telling me I killed her because I put her in prison. I am 61 now and can’t cope with any more, I am tired and wish I could go to sleep for good.its the only way out of this rotten life.

  63. Angie says:

    Hi, I read all of these stories and get a weird sense that it’s good not to be suffering alone, although none of us should be suffering. I was abused 30 years ago and thought I’d dealt with it, but it’s clear I haven’t. Sometimes I want to shout it from the rooftops – look at me I was abused, listen to me, give me your time….. but instead I perpetuate the secret I don’t talk about it, the man who did this to me is still there merrily getting on with his life with no consequences….. and because I don’t talk it comes back when I least expect it and it can floor me again for months. I am struggling to get it out of my head, I could still draw a room layout and say what exactly I was wearing….. I can still hear his voice and feel the pain and the shame. I can remember trying to keep it from people because he’d threatened me and yet I just wanted someone to notice I wasn’t ok… even 30 years on. I want to move on now.

  64. Vanessa says:

    I recently found out that my husband’s father molested is older sister, to whom he was a stepfather. It apparently happened for years and likely started when my husband was 6 years old and he was sharing a room with that sister. He doesn’t remember much of his childhood but it was going on from her being 9-13. She went to live with her aunt and uncle and she went into a mental facility on suicide watch. At that point my mother-in-law found out about it and felt trapped. She had remarried after her first husband died and had 4 kids and no job. She married my father-in-law and had my husband and his younger brother. All the older girls had moved to the aunt and uncle’s house so she felt the boys were probably safe from him doing anything and she didn’t have anyway to support her youngest by herself so she just stayed with him. The day before she died, her brother and sister-in-law told me the truth and I didn’t know how to tell my husband and was sick to my stomach. Of course after she died a few days later, my husband’s sister who had cut off her relationship with my husband and his mother for over 30 years, called him and told him the truth and he believed her. I then admitted I had known for days and didn’t want him to be angry with his mother right after she died.
    Now I don’t know what to do because he is unwilling to address his father on the situation and I don’t want him in my house. We were in the process of moving out of state and my mother-in-law died a few days before my husband left for work to the new state so I only had to see my father-in-law once since learning this. I look back at all the times we had them over to my family’s house where my little at the time nieces were around him and I know he never had an opportunity to do anything but the thought of the possibility. I am now in this place where I don’t know why his family never prosecuted and my husband still speaks to his father. He feels that it happened a long time ago and hopes he has changed and I’m on the opposite side feeling that someone who is sorry and has truly changed would have admitted his wrongdoing. I don’t want him near my kids and my husband said he’s okay with him being near our boys so long as he is not left alone with them, and I asked him what of we have a girl and then he said no he doesn’t want him near a girl. I feel trapped because I want him to know we know and let him know we are no longer fooled, but I also don’t want to any anything to do with him. My mother-in-law had a very sad a terrible life and only death gave her an escape. Is there some way of finding some justice?

  65. Pelin says:

    Hi, I lost my mum in a traffic accident when I was six. Then my father abused me for years. I think he abused me even before my mothers’ death and but i do not remember but have the feeling that it is too painful to remember. I was beaten up, sexually abused, neglected by this alcoholic. I managed to somehow get out of that toxic environment. I am in my 40s now and have a family. Now I feel so unrest every time I talked to so-called father -which i will call as evil as he does not deserve to be called father. My brother is mentally sick and was abused by this evil’s friend. They now live together and I somehow have to call this evil and every time my whole psychology gets damaged. I want to kill him and want him dead as soon as possible. II went to therapies. I confronted him and he says he does not remember and now he says that he is sober and taking care of sick brother as if that will all make it disappear. But I know that he is a bad, and an abusive bully. I want to cut contact with him but it is very hard since that also means to cut contact with my brother who lives with him. I will not go to that disgusting house even though this means that I will not visit my brother either. My brother and I need to meet separately then. I helped my brother financially for years but all is gone to waste and now he is angry with me that I have a family myself. He was six months old when our mother died.
    I am kind to my inner child and she feels sad every time I somehow have to have some contact with this evil due to reasons related to brother.

  66. digazz says:

    hi all
    i am 53 years old and my shame still sits on my shoulder.i was in social care and abused every morning by the same gutless still wrecks my life now, i get down and it just takes over. drives me to drink against the advice of my GP but i just can’t go through my life without it. Then i get aggressive and angry with the people i love and care for and he wins again. My life is a mess i just can’t find a way past my past.

  67. Susan P says:

    Hi Everyone,

    I want to ask if there is anyone here that has disconnection problems. Okay I was abused as a child, my sister and I. Yes physically mentally emotionally and sexually. I see doctors, take meds, and have issues. But the most challenging issue is what they call dissociate disorder. I have a problem with relationships all relationships I disconnect from everyone even my children. I don’t get close to anyone and when I do I pull away really fast. I don’t even live in realty, I have a made up life in my head and I go there all the time as a result I miss days, hours, minutes. I cringe at certain sounds, smells and peoples faces. I use to drink but I quit years ago because I started taking medication. I get lonely because I am a lone, but when I am around people I get irritated and I have to be alone. I have a hobby but I never feel good enough so I start something and then stop, it is as if I disconnect from it to. Sometimes, I feel dead but I am not I am alive, I actually have to make a cut on my feet so that I feel every time I step because if not I don’t feel. I cry but then I stop cold because it makes me feel like I can not breath but then I feel like I don’t want to breath. Does anyone else feel like this?

  68. ......... says:

    Iv never told anyone about this , not even my wife . Im so ashamed that it happend to me and I carry intense anger inside . I feel like people knowing about it would make me less of a man. I hate the person who did this to me , it has made it to where i cannot live a normal life even now i can still remember what happend , but i cant seem to remember his face … I know it happen but am i regressing what happend. I cant maintain a healthy relationship I stay disconnected and its ruining my marriage. This is the first time iv ever talked about it.

  69. NEIL NEWBERT says:

    My dad has dementia and I was looking after him the other day and due to my mum wanting to get an issue off her conscience she told me that when I was 4 or 5 my dad came home after drinking and my toys were out of place so he beat me and my back was covered in bruises. My mum told my dads mum who said you can’t report him as he is my son!!!!!!

  70. Jlrn says:

    I recently had repressed memories of someone having sex with me as a child while I was sleeping come to the forefront when the threat of intruders was present where I live. I was shocked! After thinking about it for days I realized it was my step father….it had gone on for years til puberty with no recollection or memory til now….I am
    utterly disgusted and looking to go into counselling. He died a year ago… Had I known then I don’t think if i would have been so kind prior to his death ….He was sneaky and has done this to his sister growing up and other people. God be judge.

  71. Douglas Keil says:

    I,m a 54 yo who was raped at 6 yo as well as the emotional and physical pain I dealt with, The consequences of this abuse in my adult life has absolutely wrecked me!!! No trust of anyone, and the sorrow in. My life is becoming unbearable. I hid this pain for 48yrs but pain always catches up with you. Now I,m dealing with the aftermath of a promising young boys life destroyed, with no salvation!!!

  72. M. says:

    Gosh, this is so heartbreaking to read these, my heart goes out to EVERY CHILD you all used to be. Oddly enough, I went into pediatric nursing as my career, and I now help as many kids as I can. However, it’s because I also have the same awful kind of story that you guys do – childhood sexual abuse. When I was around 7yrs through 13 yrs old, an older male role model and youth group leader actively groomed me and then sexually assaulted and abused me, at length and over time, numerous times, and I never said a single word to anyone. Now triggered by a bunch of small things at once, it’s all come to my awareness- but I’ve still never told anyone. I have to ask for some advice, so I think I’m going to go ahead and report to the police tomorrow, and also talk to a couple of attorneys for info, but I’d like to ask here too – if your abuser had passed away before you could seek a claim against them, would you bother still coming forward?? I hate to disrespect his family, but I heard a rumor that he was found guilty in a case with someone else for the same type of things he did to me. So I don’t know what to do… ?

  73. Joanne says:

    Wish I could say something to someone but as usual email last names and all that. Just wish I could’ve been a better perant if not what I’d gone threw not that anyone believed me anyway

  74. ally says:

    Was I emotionally abused as a child? I knew I didn’t get on with my parents, I knew they disliked me and loved my sister but I thought it was my fault and I deserved it. I was bad, silly, stupid, sulky, clumsy, lazy. When I was grown up, if my sisters little girl misbehaved she was told to stop it or she would grow up like me. Now I am a pensioner, my self esteem is zero, the negative voices in my head tell me I am still bad, etc. Perhaps that is the truth. When I read about others and the horrid things that have happened to them, I feel selfish to even consider that I might have been abused. No one hit me, touched me, starved me, but neither did anyone love me.

    • Helly says:

      It sounds a lot like me, I am not a penioner yet, but it still has taken a long time to realise what was happening to me all those years ago and how it is still affecting me now and all through my life. I am in my 50’s and I too was made to feel bad, stupid and that I deserved all I got . We were abussed and sadly we are not alone.

  75. Audrey Guy says:

    Can’t deny I have survived. Still here and I’m 60 yrs old now. Not convinced it has been worth the struggle though. A lot of people have been hurt along the way and I still waver between sad and suicidal.

  76. Baby jimmy says:

    I don’t know what to say I was 8 years old when a man and a woman raped me he was 18 and she was 19 I was about 8 or 9 years old it was just for a moment but in that moment everything positive good happy innocent was taken and everything bad negative embarrassment anger brittle weak scared confused was given to me I haven’t told anybody nobody nobody understands I turned 2 drugs at 12 years old I’m not 51 and quit all of my addictions because of that moment except one don’t know how to let it go

  77. Lydia says:

    Is it normal to be a victim of child abuse but not be able to have help from a counsellor? What i mean is just the thought of seeing one makes me have anxiety. I have tried multiple times with different people and i just can’t talk. I just shut down.

    • lisamaria says:

      hi Lydia I do not know if it is normal or not but I can tell you, you are not on your own! I have spent over a year and half regularly seeing a psychologist and never spoke to them once apart from hi and good bye with some general chit chat in between. instead in between sessions I would pen down things I wanted them to know but could not bring myself to speak for this very reason, i too would get in my words brain fog where i can’t think of what was wrong or remember any thing. so instead i would write it down (even this was mentally exhausting though)

  78. John Doe says:

    I was raped, in my opinion, multiple times by my older female cousin. I was 5 at the time and she was 9. I’m not sure if it was actually rape since she was also so young which is why I’ve never said anything. I look back now and remember vividly what happened and how my brother, her brother and her parents caught us on multiple occasions. Was i really raped? I have no clue to be honest. I’m just dumbfounded and don’t know what to think of what happened to me.

  79. Jamie says:

    Hi everyone,
    This is my first time to this site, and I’m glad I found it since I dont know who to turn to- even though I do see a therapist, its not the same. I worry they dont know how to address child abuse emotions/ etc. I hope I do not shock or offend anyone, because now as an adult ( almost 28) I have mixed feeling about my abuse.
    So here it goes: First off, I do not consider myself a “victim”. While I was technically abused, others have had it WAY worse. To give you a short background, my mom left my dad when I was 6, then at 7 we moved in a new place with a new guy- who would become my “stepdad”. I told my mom TWICE about the abuse, but she married him anyway and had a kid ( my stepsister). She eventually divorced him a few short years later, but the betrayal in my mom affects me to this day- not to mention I dont have any family members that care about me. Anyway, that “stepfather” had me touch him and he touched me. Very wrong, yes, but thank god it didnt go beyond that. Which now makes me wonder: Why? Did the ” opportunity” for him not present itself, or was he simply a new pedophile?? This might sound sick to you, but part of me feels like thanking him and asking him why he didnt go further- luckily for me. Has anyone struggled with a crazy thought like that?? Please give me feedback. I’ve been afraid to actually say that out loud. Thank you

  80. Mai-Linh PHAM says:

    My mother seemee to take pleasure from me and thats how I act towards narcissist and controlling men abusers.

  81. Tom says:

    Can someone please help me? I am 47, male, abused as a child. I have had this hidden so deep for so many years but it is just now coming up again. As I look back over my life I see the the affects. Here is my question…Why do I feel like I cannot say no to certain sexual situations? I want to say no…I am screaming no on the inside but on the outside I go along with it. Has anyone else ever felt this way?

    • Jules says:

      I did this for years. I essentially raped myself, because the men involved had no idea. 2 decades later, I still don’t understand why.

  82. Damien says:

    My name is Damien. I am 13, male. for as long as I can remember, my abuser has always been verbally and physically abusive towards me, and I remember, I never ever felt attached to this person, I was just scared of her. She would order me to do things and I would do them. but when I did, she would suddenly start to beat me up for no reason. for example, one time when I was 5 years old and was washing the dishes, I stepped up to a stool to wash the plates. she yanked me from my collar, and started hitting me, saying how I was evil and that she was too kind to me. she said that I didn’t deserve such a kind parent. obviously, later on she came up to me and apologized, and I forgave her. and guys, you should never ever forgive someone for hitting you. no matter how much they beg you to, you should never because its manipulative. but yeah, that situation would go on for years and years. One day, my abuser got a boyfriend. He would watch how she abused me. and while he did, he ignored it. I noticed this one day when I was 7. I was getting beat up for not wanting to eat because I was too full. my abuser kicked me down the stairs, and kept hitting me with objects next to her. the boyfriend just watched. when my abuser finished hitting me and went out for a cigarette, I confronted him. I asked him why he didn’t do anything at all. I asked him why he didn’t try to call the police or even just try to stop her. he got off his phone and told me: “Why would I call the police because of that? Its not like she killed you or anything. You should be thankful and just take it in.” after saying that, he was yelling at me for disturbing him while he was playing a mobile game. I learned to hate him after that. these situations would go on and on. Whenever I trusted an adult and told them about this, they would tell DCF and the DCF workers would come to my house. It was all very scary, and every time they came I was told to lie about the situation and say that I made all of it up for attention. I didn’t want to lie, but if I didn’t I would have to go into foster care. And I don’t want that. meeting new people is the scariest thing. and having to live with strangers is even scarier. one day, I came out as trans and I was beaten up day by day by day. my gender dysphoria is severe, and so is my social anxiety. but fast forward to today, my abuser came into my room, and started to throw y things around. breaking many of my things, and she still is making a lot of noise by doing that. I’m really starting to consider foster care, because I can’t stand this anymore but like I said, I don’t want to meet new people.

  83. Lome says:

    I tried to kill myself 2 days ago because no one want to believe me when I told my brother and auntys what happen to me when I was 7 years old even tho my mother knew about it but choice to act like I didn’t tell her and she had no idea because she doesn’t want to be called guilty or so I believe am now 26 years old and am tired emotionally and mentally in my culture t
    You don’t speak about abuse ever that’s why I didn’t and when I spoked about it now my family huted me and disowned me just not to admit that they allowed it to happen to me am in a dark place I just don’t want to pay for what that man did to me for the rest of my life

  84. Ashley Smith says:

    im dislexic and cant read so well, im not going to type all my problems, i dont feel everyone need to hear it, i just want help, i really need it, i cant read all this, its so much work on my mind, how can i get help, i really need help, i cant read to get help, or i cant spell things i need to serch, im so scared, i just need pointing in the right direction.

  85. Bagbabe53 says:

    “My life has been a tapestry…” — Carole King.

    Sorry but this will be long.

    Hi, I’m a married 67-year old wife, mom, grandma, and retired from a long career in government marketing. I am also an Army veteran who lived and traveled overseas for several years.

    I was physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by my mom from a very young age. I’m talking scratches on my face, hair pulling, kicking me after pushing me to the floor, punches, forcibly cutting my hair, etc. She was angry one time when I was 14 after I chose to walk home after typing class with my friends and not taking the bus and calling her. Most people would be yelled at and grounded. Instead, she used a belt on my legs which cut them and raised welts all over them so that I could barely walk for a few days. What added to the torture was that I was a very awkward kid— the tall girl who had terrible skin and developed early. I was a target of bullying for years and it was painful. It was the 60s, and telling teachers yielded nothing. When I look back on it, I felt I could not get a break. I lied a lot at the time for all kinds of reasons; I wanted to avoid abuse from her, and wanted to seem normal. It took me years to be an honest person.

    I managed to finish college (lived at home and worked which was not easy), serve in the Army as an officer for several years, live and travel overseas, finish a masters at night, get married, work, and start a family. These events and initiatives were some of the best things that ever happened to me. My girls were also a joy to raise for the most part. My mom hated my husband and kept wanting me to return to my old rustbelt area; we lived in the DC area. She tried to break us up and said horrible things about me and my husband. So I rarely saw her. When she and my dad visited us, she criticized our house, how I was raising the kids, where we lived, my entertaining style, etc. She seemed to resent we had done well. My husband’s parents lived nearby, were wonderful grandparents, and friends to me as well.

    At 41, I started having horrible insomnia, irritability, and angry and sad/suicidal feelings all the time. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, given meds, and went to therapy off and on for several years. At 45, my psychiatrist had me tested and I was found to be gifted with ADHD. He was amazed I’d made it this far in my life. When our oldest graduated from college and law school with honors my mom struggled to believe it. Same thing with the younger one who’d gone through a troubled period when she graduated from college.

    I have enjoyed retirement and being an active grandma and helpmate to my older girl and her husband. When we moved from DC to the Deep South where we now live a few miles from her, I joined a singing group that performs Broadway hits for seniors shut in in nursing homes and the like. I love it. I have sung solos as Eliza Doolittle and Bloody Mary and have been enthusiastically applauded. People compliment me all the time on my voice. My mom would not allow me to be in more than one school play because I was a B/C student. One day, someone mentioned I’d likely been used to the audience reaction as I was likely in HS and college plays. I went into a daze, and just sat there for ages, thinking about the joy of singing and how much fun I’d missed from not doing so when I was younger. A nurse told me later I was experiencing PTSD.

    A few years ago I flew up to help out several times and give my younger sister respite as my mom was failing. She refused to follow a lot of her MD’s orders and lived in a squalid apartment that smelled. I took good care of her, and she was amazed I could lift all 178 lbs of her (I lift weights) and help her with basics like toileting. So we had a good ending, and I had forgiven her. Unfortunately, the effects of her actions persist. Before my dad died, he told me he’d planned to leave Mom, but that he learned she was pregnant with me, so he did not leave.They used to fight all the time. One time Mom burned him with a colander full of hot wet spaghetti. it explained a lot. Dad used to work lots of extra shifts, and I thought it was strictly for the money; it turns out he was also staying away from her. I told him at the time about Mom’s abuse, and he said he was mostly unaware of it. Other relatives and friends talked about how great she was at the funeral, and I just stayed silent. My sisters seem to have mostly forgotten all about it, and do not talk about the abuse.

    This year I handled Covid and all the restrictions OK for several months. Now, in October, I’m having flashbacks of things that happened 50 or more years ago. One day we were with our grandsons at the local zoo, and driving home. We had a 60s station on, and they played an early Beatles song. My husband and I talked about the song, and then suddenly I had a flashback. I was washing dishes as a dreamy 12-year old, listening to the Beatles. My mom did not think I was doing a good enough job, and started screaming at me. She grabbed my transistor radio and smashed it against the wall, destroying it.

    Thanks for listening.

  86. Carol says:

    I am so very sorry for each and everyone of you! I have a son that’s 37 yr old suffers from drug addiction. He has been diagnosed with bipolor depression. He has tried to stop the drug abuse but he always goes back to using and it’s just a vicious circle. I just found out by him that he was sexual abused by a family friend at 8 yrs old and went on for a couple of yrs. I am devastated and so angry That I want my son to press charges. My son’s life has been ruined due to this aboue. Right now he has been in the hospital ICU department on a ventilator because he overdosed with fentynal. I don’t feel that his abuser should be roaming out here!! He needs to pay!! Is there anything we can do? Is there a status of limitations and can my son sue this monster? I Thank You in advance for any advise I receive.

  87. Julie says:

    I just want to say reading a few of your story’s Thankyou so much for sharing. It sounds absolutely awful and none of you deserved any of it. Everyone has there own ways of expressing and people have said therapy can really help. I literally wish nothing but the best for the rest of your lives and all of that be part of your journey that’s made you the strong amazing person you are today. I am abit stuck right now because I think I’m just getting PTSD now from years ago when I was a child. Flashbacks are happening. I feel disgust, sick, confusion I don’t know who to trust anymore when I can’t trust my own family. I was sexually abused by a close family relative who I have to still see which brings back all my trauma. The problem is he’s got my beautiful nephew and nieces and I know if I cut him off I won’t get to see them ever again. The worst part about it he was so young himself. It can’t be reported so I worry he was traumatised too. But it’s traumatised me and really screwed my life up. Any advice on what I should do? Thankyou

  88. Harvey Ross says:

    I visited this site a few days ago. It did trigger memories along with seeing a muppet character. I texted my sister about it. I was physically beaten, abused mentally, emotionally, and psychologically nearly everyday for 7 years. Long story short, my family had my dad the abuser, my stepmom, one half brother, and my sister, brother, and myself. My dad gained custody of us 3 when I was 6. My dad would get mad at his wife and take my brother and sister with him and they would venture off. I don’t know where they went or what they did. When they were gone, my stepmom would tell me that my dad was playing favorites. I knew she was my stepmom. Her son, my half brother didn’t seem to care. He had his mom. I felt like I was only there because someone had to take care of me. Our natural mother had abandoned us and had a bout with alcohol at that time. When my dad came back with my brother and sister, I was humbled that they were special. I tried to detect if they had been beaten. Sometimes they would seem happy or even carefree. That was the only thing good in my life that I could see and feel was their happiness and being carefree. I was happy for them and I wanted to protect that for them. I was already my dad’s target child and in the end I really would rather my dad beat me than my brother or sister. They were so thin, I didn’t know if their little bodies could take it. My half brother was pudgy and I knew his body could take the beating, but I still didn’t like to see him being beaten and I knew when my dad was going overboard with him. I was not only beaten, I was held to strict discipline standards, I wasn’t allowed to fight or defend myself with my siblings or at school. I would be beaten mercilessly if I did. I was beaten with belts, a bullwhip, switches, boards, even a fiberglass fishing pole one time. The pole shattered I was hit so hard and it splintered. I still have a scar where a big piece larger than a thorn penetrated the base of my thumb area. I am sure bone anchored it down. My dad realized this piece was sticking out of me and he tries to pull it out He was a brick, block layer, and strong. He couldn’t get it out. So he grabs his pliers, grabs the fiberglass splinter holds my hand tightly and pulls the fiberglass splinter out with the pliers. Then he goes on about his business, no dressing the wound. No instructing me to go wash the wound. Nothing. Then he beat me so bad once I could barely walk for a week. Every time I had the chance, I would go lie down. Then I would be called to go do some chore in excruciating pain to move. I would do it as I didn’t want to get beaten while I was injured. I figured if I got beaten during this time, I would probably just die. Back to my brother and sister’s happiness and carefreeness being the only good thing in my life that I could see or feel that was good. That has lead me into a lifetime of serving others. I am 55 now and when I discovered this truth last week, I was angry. I know that it is always a good thing to help others, serve others. But my need to do so has consumed my entire life. I help others even when I have to neglect my own health. I help others and now I see why I haven’t had a choice. The happiness of others or their problem being solved is real to me. I can see it and I can feel it. That has been my whole motivation for living, my whole purpose. This has lead me into people pleasing my whole life and even allowing others to take advantage of and use me. They have needs. Now I feel like I have wasted my whole life and neglected finding my own happiness. I don’t even know what that would mean. So for 7 years being beaten on a daily basis, the only thing good in my life that I could feel or see was my brother and sisters happiness and I wanted to protect that for them. It wasn’t my happiness or carefreeness, but I could see it and feel it. So I got to have a satisfied feeling that there was someone that experienced those things. Dear God Almighty, that sucks! I was the fool, the punching bag, the welcome mat that got walked all over. My needs, wants, human desires, need to develop as a human, acquiring my own human traits and personality wasn’t important at all. My feelings, my emotions, my life didn’t mean nothing to nobody. I think that is what pisses me off and my being forbidden to fight at all is what kept me from pursing what I wanted and my own happiness I finally know why at the age of 34 why my dad was mad, when I told him I was getting married. I was getting something for myself. He had to relate to me differently if someone loved me enough to marry me, I reckon. Now, I want to do the things that I want to do. I want to pursue my own happiness in a healthy way. I don’t want to feel like I have to jump whenever anyone wants or needs something. I have only a handful of friends that bother to do for me at all. Everyone else seems to be there because they need something and it is my fault that I put myself out there to always be helping. I am going to have to learn that I am worthwhile and my needs and wants matter as much as anyone else’s on this Earth. I hope I am blessed with a long enough life that I can find some of that happiness and carefreeness and be healthy enough to enjoy it.

  89. Anonymous says:

    So I was molested as a child by someone our family was really close too, I’m not one prone to violent, u even let a dude punch me repetitively for 6 months before I ever did anything just bc I don’t have the heart to hurt anyone (we was friends, he was just one of those kids who ALWAYS wanted a fight and was like the only person on my street I really wanted to hang out with (grew up around theives and herion/meth/opioid/basically anything they can get their hands on and his house was the only one that was recently stable), (only said that just to prove how big of a heart I have just so y’all don’t think I’m a fucking psychopath), anyways, would I go to juvy (just turned 15) if I went and beat the hell outta this dude, he fucked me up so bad and 12 won’t do anything bc they don’t have any proof, my family found out when I was like 9 yrs old (this happened from ab 4-6yr old), yes I still know where he lives and I’m not gonna lie or tryna flex or anything but I’m probly ab 15x stronger and ab the same height as him, so would I get in trouble for beating the hell outta that dude, like I said I’m one who strongly believes ” violence is not the answer ” But really wanna take this in my own hands

  90. Mya Mayuree says:

    Hi everyone… I’m Mya, I’m a bit new to this, a bit anxious, a bit scared. I don’t know where to begin but I know I need to start somewhere. I came across this site months ago but struggled to actually do anything about it but, I think now is the time to be brave and help myself and hopefully help others too.

    I’m now 30. I didn’t realise that the things that had happened in my childhood had affected me so much. I’ve spent the last few months trying to learn about myself and become more self aware but I now realise I can’t do that or help myself without facing up to my past trauma too.

    Sending you all lots of love and positive vibes on this beautiful Sunday.

  91. Didi says:

    My husband told me last night when we where talking about emotions and things we have been dealing with and my husband told be after being with him for 25 years that he has recently had these weird memories that started to come back a couple years ago about him being molested by his dad. He says he feels it was his dad but I. The memory he can see the man. Is that possible to have repressed that for so long

    • Saskia says:

      Yup. Dissociative amnesia is a very real thing. In my experience, memories only come out when we are finally in a place where were are (just about) safe enough to deal with them. This happened to me around Christmas time once: putting up the tree, laughing with my partner. I reached up to the tree in the middle of telling a joke and suddenly a flood of memories opened up. Things I’d blocked away for 30 years or more. Not even memories that were related to the holidays. It was incredibly difficult. I think the brain locks this stuff out so we can keep going and build a life for ourselves.

  92. Dan says:

    Both my parents used methamphetamines. My father was incarcerated when I was young from domestic violence and drugs. My mom continued to use throughout my childhood into adult years. She herself survived a variety of sexual and physical abuse so she’d often take out her experiences out on me, especially when I came out the closet. Her boyfriend started sexually abusing me when I was 11 or 12 until I was 15. At some point while my mom was dating him, she got a new boyfriend and left me behind to continue living with the old boyfriend. When she found out about the sexual abuse, she blamed me for them breaking up because she said I wore the wrong clothes around him. I lived with her again from 15-17 but we got into a fist fight and I moved out shortly after. I moved in with her parents but then she framed me for using meth. She planted a pookie in one of my Christmas presents and told them I was using. I worked hard in school so I could go to college and move far away. My freshmen year I was raped in the dorms. The guy who did it reported it to the housing (cuz he wanted help). A couple weeks later they evicted me and gave me three days to move. I was homeless for a while. I dated someone a few years later who crossed some sexual boundaries. That’s when I started therapy. I was doing really well until recently where I was dating someone who didn’t stop when I said no to sex. I thought I was on the right path but it feels like these circumstances keep happening. I feel like my skin is inside out and I often don’t wanna live cuz I feel like this feeling will never stop. I see other people making normal connections and in living relationships but feel like I’m too messed up to figure out how to live the same life.

  93. M. says:

    I’m a mother to a 3 year old and it’s been so triggering. My first memories of abuse start when I was about my kid’s age.
    I am terrified of being an abuser like my parents were, and their parents were.

    I knew from early on the physical beatings were not normal, and they got more severe the older I got. The last being when I was 23.

    A few years ago I realized there was a lot of emotional and psychological abuse as we.

    In the last year or so I finally started recognizing that there was sexual abuse as well. To what extent I can’t fully say. But things I took as odd or weird I’m now realizing were abuse. Like my dad watching sex scenes in movies over and over in front of me and my siblings when we were kids, my mom telling us our friend’s parents were swingers in grade school, and when I was 19 my dad started telling me he needed a specific sexual act done to him while I was getting a ride home from work with him alone.
    Most of the physical abuse was from my mom. She’d beat me in the head and drag me around by my hair. Sheet threw an upright vacuum cleaner at me, a large stereo, and a hard case for CDs that put a head sized hole in the wall of our dining room. She missed me… Just barely.

    When I was very young my memories were of both of my parents abusing me together. Often in the middle of the night. My dad drunk and beating my bare bottom with a belt studded with shotgun shells, and my mom would watch. Sometimes yelling at me. My crime? Waking up scared and crying because I could hear them fighting. How dare I.

    My mom also locked me and my siblings out of our house a lot as kids. One year during a polar vortex type blizzard. We took turns keeping warm in a window well while 2 waited huddled in a snow drift with a sled blocking the wind and snow. I’m not sure how long we were out there, but I do recall we pounded on windows and doors to be let back in for as long as we could until staying warm was our main focus.

    These memories and feelings come flooding back now that I am in a parenting role. I have never struck my child, and I try so hard to be a good mom and show them all the love. I just know I struggle with regulating my emotions sometimes, and feel depressed a lot. I don’t want my child to grow up to hate me like I hate what my parents did to me. I don’t want to hurt him when I’m struggling. I’m so scared of history repeating with this little amazing human I am so lucky to have in my life.

  94. Alex says:

    Finally broke ties with my abusive father today after 30 years of his manipulation and me making up exscuses for the way he acted. I cant but help to worry about his feelings as hes been there my entire life and hasnt hurt me in years, but i know i never forgave him for any of it. Im working on myself to make myself stronger as of saturday will be the 1st time i go to therapy for any of it.

  95. Enya says:

    I’m a 21 yrs old woman and I have entered the adulthood world. Okay lemme get straight, I was 11 years old when my own biological father has raped me but I acted like I’ve asleep and doesn’t know anything and since today I’m good at acting but it haunts me till to this days and its so worse. My symptoms has been becoming weird as I am growing with all the tensions of normal life but also with the extraordinary traumatised abuse and yes I have told about this to my mother when I was around 15 years and she cried saying thank god I didn’t told her before or else father would have killed us both. I thought mom trusted me but I felt something else as I felt that she’s treating me like I’m the other women whose his husband has slept with. And then years later she got pregnant with a boy, my cute little brother and I love them all. But I’ve been sacrificing my peace for the sake of my family and their reputation in the society that’s as I’m growing it’s becoming too toxic for me to stay around and I can’t even leave them because I’m a coward. I don’t want help but just want someone who can hear out my story and don’t judge me.

  96. Crystal Hydes says:

    I’m 36 been living with my trauma for over 30 years. I dont know who I was before and I lose myself easily. I am starting therapy this month because I just want to run even tho my life is fine. I self sabotage and go in to deep depression and anxiety. I have tried committing suicide many times and this year I finally decided to work on myself. Usually I throw myself into work and projects so that I can’t think as I’m a overthinker. I want to be happy but it’s hard to hold on to it when I’m fighting demons of my past all the time.

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