Poll - Forgiveness

[Jamie]

Have you forgiven your abuser or abusers?

This can be an emotive question so please try and give the first answer that comes to mind and then if you feel able try and rationalise those feelings and write about them here.

The healing journey is often linked to the Grieving process (http://www.havoca.org/Grief/Grief.htm). You will notice forgiveness plays a part in this process.

[Liz]

Er....let me think about it....NO! a resounding NO.

and i can see so very clearly how it is linked in with grief. A light bulb moment - i kind of knew that b4 but today just reading your post Jamie and i realise there is so much in the way of loss connected to both periods of sexual abuse. The emotional abuse i have suffered - maybe ihaving worked with this aspect in my T i am more aware of why my mum esp behaved the way she did. Not sure it makes the idea of forgiveness any easier or that i am any closer to forgiving her. More work needed with that i think. i havent expressed enough of the pain yet - still held inside. Aware that for me grief for other areas of my life is very near the surface at the moment.

And then i think how can you - how can i...(i''ll own it) ever forgive those ppl who f* up my life to the extent they did? And no answers or glimmers of answers comes to mind.

I know that forgiveness or the lack of it is only hurting me. They, if they are still alive even will be oblivious to the damage they caused.

I havent the head space at the moment to give over to it.

Shall come back to it one day maybe...a confused post. i'm sorry.

x

[hep]

I dont think there really is any way I could ever forgive my abusers.

On reflection however this only links to me indirectly. I dont think that I have ever thought about forgivness in relation to me. Their actions however caused a suicide for which I can never ever forgive them for. The direct pain they caused me is absolutly nothing in comparison to this.

Anyway after that waffle, I think answer will be NO

[Sigma]

For once I said I don't know. Its as honest as I can be, without thinking too much about the question.

I suppose I am not there yet, still within the fog and working hard to see that abuse is abuse, although I really do know it is, in my thinking self. But knowing and feeling can be quite different and so I am very unsure. Although leaning towards no if I think

x

[Cocopop21]

My answer is no, I haven't forgiven him, and never will. If the abuse was in the past, and I was able to move on, that would perhaps be different, but the effects of what he did have been so devastating and changed the dynamic of my whole family. And he won't accept any blame. My brother hasn't spoken to me properly for years because he feels guilty... he was also abused but didn't say anything, and feels that as my older brother he should have spoken up to stop it happening to me. I've told him I don't blame him in any way, he was just a kid himself, but he still feels he could have done something and is awkward around me. My relationships with my other brother and mum have also been negatively affected by his actions, and he's never going to accept responsibility for ruining what could have been a happy family, so no, I won't forgive, ever. Got a bit ranty there, sorry!

[hope]

I can't forgive at this time, i dont feel any emotions towards my abuser maybe when i start to feel something i will feel different. At this moment in time he doesnt deserve my forgivness and the last thing i want or need to do is forgive him. He messed up my education, my whole sense of self worth and the way i feel about love trust and sex. Why should i forgive somebody who humiliated, manipulated, degreded and physically and sexually abused me neally every day for 5 years. I just cant not at this time anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope x

[wantstolookforward]

Cant and wont forgive him/them they did such bad things ruined my life why should he/them be let off with my forgiveness

[FindingEverydayHard]

i will NEVER be able to forgive my abuser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if anything i wish him DEAD, what he did to me he has affected me in everyway possible, he has ruined my life, my future and ME!!!!!!! and with recent news that i've been told........................... if i knew where he was well..... i'll say no more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he makes me sickhe has destroyed my everyday life and will do for many many more years ahead......

[Jamie]

So why does forgiving your abuser strike such powerful emotions in everyone?

[charlies angel]

No. I can't think of any words to put around that - my head freezes my words from forming relating to it even. Just another realisation how far out of reach I have put this stuff.

hmmm. But, I am well on the path to reaching it...so it'd better watch out.

[charlies angel]

So why does forgiving your abuser strike such powerful emotions in everyone?

For me, it is because to forgive would mean that I have accepted that it did happen and right now I am not there. I have totally removed it from myself - as if it was happening to someone else... that is if I care to even remember it al all.

Perhaps when I can understand what happened and think around that I may be able to but it's more that 'it isn't real' and to get to forgiveness would be to have accepted.

Not out of the question full stop but not there just yet. Perhaps that will be the end of the journey for me...almost if I had forgiven I may not need to be here..?

[wantstolookforward]

If i was to forgive then to me that means i accept what he/they did which i dont i still find it hard to accept that it happend. Also forgiving means they are getting let off they dont need to be haunted by their crimes unlike me who is haunted day in day out how is that fair? xxx

[wantstolookforward]

wow so similar CA xxx

[zepto]

I think if it ever comes, it comes after acceptance, and that comes after facing the hurt and the pain, and that comes after realising/acknowledging that it's not all because I'm completely useless, nothingness, and that comes after a lot of hurt and pain, and that comes after being able to verbalise or write a lot more of what I can't bear to face, which comes after hurt and pain (and I think there are a lot of steps forward and back within all of that. And in some ways I'm right at the beginning, in others I've moved further. I'm still not sure if after all of those things forgiveness would be a possibility because it's so hard to face the rage against myself. I don't know how I would cope if that was directed elsewhere and I was left with desolation or loss. But I do have hope for the future some of the time.

A bit waffley but it's what came to mind

[hope]

I won't forgive because i dont believe that it would do anything good for me. I dont think it gives me power back or makes me stronger. Why would fogiving all of a sudden make it easier or better on myself i see no reason to forgive. I can forgive most things in life but forgiving sexaul and physical abuse just seems like something that just doesnt deserve fogiveness. I have accepted i was abused i know it was real he has admitted it in a court of law but that still doesn't mean i am ever going to forgive him.

I guess it makes me angry because if i did forgive him what would he gain from it? would it make himk feel happy? would he feel like it was all ok? why should he have any gratitude and my forgivness when he has given me a lifetime of problems. I ofhen wonder if he sits in prison thinking about what he did to me just like i do every day about him.

I dont know why i get so angry about fogiveness