Poll - Forgiveness

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Have you forgiven your abuser(s)?

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Baby Noor
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by Baby Noor »

Can you include a category where you forgave one but not the others? Or am I missing something?

Noor
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thorninmyside
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by thorninmyside »

No, I will never forgive the way they threw me into confusion. The way they scared me so I would go and see him. You filthy disgusting animals I hate you. I hate the way XXXX, you spoilt me, you enticed me from my family and you made me feel safe but you're a sick pervert too. I trusted you :(((

I forgave my parents, they had thier own troubles. I understand that they tried their best, I was just really complicated and they didn't know how to look after me or my brother. It's OK now.
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Baby Noor
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by Baby Noor »

Is there a difference between forgiveness and saying, NO, I do NOT think it is alright that I was abused?

I see the abusers as someone that came between me and my development, they disrupted and invaded my relationship with myself, they breached my sanctuary, my private place!! They went where nobody was supposed to go or be.When I can forgive myself for my bad relationship with myself I can forgive my abusers because they are in fact irrelevant at that point. They are just facts. Someone was abused and was mentally ill and abused me, it's just a fact it's not anything. For me forgiveness means that I have finally forgiven myself and that is what I really care about. I don't actually care about them, they are who they are, so what.

I am working on forgiving myself, and then I will say I forgive them all!

Noor
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by lisowska »

I cannot manufacture feelings that aren't there. Because of my religious beliefs I have felt that I should forgive but its impossible. There's too much anger and pain. My brother has never acknowledged what he did let alone said he was sorry. It wouldn't make any difference though as I would still want nothing to do with him. He's destroyed my life. The only way I can get my head round the whole forgiveness issue is to think of what the word "forgive" means in Greek which is "to send away." In this context I suppose it would mean to let go of the burden of the pain they caused us. It's not easy to do but would mean there's no emphasis on reconciliation as for me that's out of the question.
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Re: New Poll - Forgiveness

Post by workensleep »

Liz wrote:Er....let me think about it....NO! a resounding NO.

And then i think how can you - how can i...(i''ll own it) ever forgive those ppl who f* up my life to the extent they did?
x
Seconded. The option I was looking for on this poll was something closer to HELL NO!

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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by hope »

Been doing a lot of soul searching recently and have read back my response to this post a few years ago.
I was so angry when i first wrote a reply here i am no longer that angry. I have accepted it, dealt with it, healed and learned to live a better life that doesn't revolve around the abuse i suffered.

My abuser was released from prison in Jan 2013 and ever since i have been scared of bumping into him. A few weeks ago i bumped into him for the first time on a night out and he looked scared and pathetic. I found out later that week he had just been head butted by somebody he doesn’t know and called a paedophile. People recognise him from the newspaper article from when he was sent to prison. His picture was in the paper and he has a significant disfigurement that makes him easy to spot.

Anyway before i saw him i was anxious on eggshells and scared out of my wits of seeing him and the after effects it would have. The after effects were nothing but relief i felt like a massive weight had been lifted of my shoulders. He had no control he was scared and anxious of me and what i would do/say. I asked him not to look at me and he looked away. A victory so small but so massive for me. That power I was in control.

Well for the past few weeks i have been better calmer and had a real sense of contentment with life. Why because i think i am ready or nearly ready to forgive him to make this final leap in my journey. I am not doing it for him to ease any guilt he has (if he has any). I'm doing it for me for my own peace and well being. To put him where he belongs in the past.

He is the one who did wrong so why do i need to let it keep dictating everything in my life? the answer is I DONT.

I don’t know if it will happen or actually has happened but something feels right in saying i am ready and want to forgive. It doesn’t diminish what he has done nor take the blame away from him but it does mean i can move on. I'm not bothered about him what he thinks feels wants I’m bothered about me. I need to say this i really do.
I don’t feel the need to tell him or for him to know this is something for me, for my own peace of mind. I have changed my feelings have changed, my life has changed. It’s good to get this out hopefully I can come back and say more when I make more sense of it for now its all new. The feeling of relief, the greater sense of myself and my emotions is enlightening.

Just wanted to share.
Hope x
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by ashridge_mack »

Personally I think this is a bit of a 'false' either/or - you know, either you've forgiven him/her/them or you haven't.

I sort of think both. I mean, I'm with what seems the vast majority view here, my gut feeling is NO I will never ever ever ever forgive the disgusting scummy abuse of power and trust that f***ed up my whole development into a twisted parody of what it should/could have been.

But at the same time, as I get older I can look at the clues about what my parents' lives were like (btw abuser was my dad) and the probability that they were both seperately abused themselves seems to me very high indeed, also very probably in a way that like me they may not have remembered, and at a time when there was far less awareness and support and useful help in dealing with it.

So I can feel pity and sympathy, to some extent, in certain moods, on a good day.... but is that enough to forgive? no way. I don't think things like that can or should ever be forgiven, but.... it's something a bit close to it, maybe. I wrote in the thread about 'de-stigmatising' that I think there's a factor X - some people for whatever unknown reason resist passing on the cruelty that was done to them to the next generation, and some... don't, they just do it to someone else vulnerable.

So I guess I can understand they were coming from a bad place, but I suppose I'll never be able to forgive them for being the kind of people who gave in and went with it, perpetuated the lies and secrets and cruelty and didn't challenge or change it.

OK, bit of a rant with me working out where I'm at on this one...
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by hope »

There's nothing false about my post. Your comment is offensive but i realise people have different opinions. It wasn't something i could have imagined would ever happen but it has and feels right. It means the anger is not directed at me anymore. I don't feel the need to carry round contempt and anger to a degree that it effects every part of my being.

It doesn't mean i think what he did to me was any less soul destroying it took over my whole life. I'm just at a different place where i feel forgiving him will help ME.

Iv'e got to go but will come back to this later. I realise some people will have different views and will never feel the need or want to forgive. That's their choice i respect we are all different and at different stages. I'm not preaching i'm not saying what's right or wrong. Im saying i never thought i would get to this stage and i have and wanted to share and explore it here.

Hope
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by john100 »

Bit of a classic of "our" type of thinking to write:

either you've forgiven him/her/them or you haven't

Things are rarely that black or white.

I have chosen to block my brother from my life some forty years after it ended. It's not that I can't forgive him but contact with him will always bring things back.

My father I do forgive. His emotional abuse was not from malice but because he didn't know any better. I hate what my parents did but there is no mileage in carrying hatred.
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by JP62 »

Well done, Hope. You are taking a massive step here and you need to be commended.
hope wrote:Well for the past few weeks i have been better calmer and had a real sense of contentment with life. Why because i think i am ready or nearly ready to forgive him to make this final leap in my journey. I am not doing it for him to ease any guilt he has (if he has any). I'm doing it for me for my own peace and well being. To put him where he belongs in the past.

He is the one who did wrong so why do i need to let it keep dictating everything in my life? the answer is I DONT.

I don’t know if it will happen or actually has happened but something feels right in saying i am ready and want to forgive. It doesn’t diminish what he has done nor take the blame away from him but it does mean i can move on. I'm not bothered about him what he thinks feels wants I’m bothered about me. I need to say this i really do.
As far as I am concerned, you are absolutely correct. Forgiveness isn't about letting our abuser get away with it, nor is it saying that they can do it to someone else, but it is about releasing yourself from the bitterness, anger and resentment that builds up and causes you not to be able to move on. The only person feeling hurt, angry, tied up....with the bitterness of unforgiveness is you. They don't care, if they did they wouldn't have done those things in the first place and unless you are bombarding them with hate mail, graffitti...they don't know how you feel anyway.

On the flip side, if you release yourself from that, your healing journey is still tough, but at least you are not bound up as much with it all. It takes a lot of time and energy to be so angry and bitter.

I've been there, not wanting to forgive - absolutely refusing to do it. All it did was hurt me. I released myself from it gradually, first of all being willing to try, trying then doing. I've had to re-do it many times, especially when in therapy new things come up that cause me issues, but I've kept on doing it.

I know there are a lot of people around here who don't believe in God, but I do. It is said that blessing your enemies is like heaping hot coals on their head. I blessed mine through gritted unforgiving teeth and it did nothing except make me feel worse and more knotted up inside. One day, I realised I had forgiven him. I won't go into all the details here now, but something happened that confirmed it for me and you know what? The true meaning of blessing your enemies came to me in a flash of, well I can't really describe it. It was amazing.

It isn't easy and it will never be easy, but well done for getting to this point on your journey.

Not everyone will agree, I know, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion and needs to respect each others, too.

Well done and keep moving forward, JPx
Trying to keep smiling :-) and succeeding more often now! :D
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by ashridge_mack »

Hi Hope

If you thought (as I think maybe you do) that my comment about 'this is a false either/or' was referring to your post can I please make it utterly clear it wasn't at all! I'd just discovered this thread, and had skimmed through the loads and loads of posts (of which there were far more than I could read at that time, and I actually hadn't read yours), and got all fired up and wanted to say that in general I thought the truth wasn't really all one or the other.... So sorry if you thought, as looking back I can see you might, that it was aimed at your post!

I guess I shouldn't just jump into threads without reading the recent posts more thoroughly!

Now I have read your post, I'm very glad for you that you feel the way you do about it.
hope wrote:A few weeks ago i bumped into him for the first time on a night out and he looked scared and pathetic. I found out later that week he had just been head butted by somebody he doesn’t know and called a paedophile. People recognise him from the newspaper article from when he was sent to prison. His picture was in the paper and he has a significant disfigurement that makes him easy to spot.

Anyway before i saw him i was anxious on eggshells and scared out of my wits of seeing him and the after effects it would have. The after effects were nothing but relief i felt like a massive weight had been lifted of my shoulders. He had no control he was scared and anxious of me and what i would do/say. I asked him not to look at me and he looked away. A victory so small but so massive for me. That power I was in control.
I think this must have been such a positive experience. In my imagination I sometimes confront my abuser, but he's dead and the abuse never came out in public and I will probably never in reality be able to see the power imbalance of the abuse changed so dramatically. I certainly won't be able to look in his eyes and see it. I think if I could, if I could really see the power balance swing back like that, I might feel a lot closer to forgiving him. In my imagination I see it, but in reality... I'd have thought that would be a lot more significant.

One of my favourite books, 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith Herman argues very strongly that one of the most important events leading to recovery is having the truth of your traumatic story accepted by the whole community around you. That's a bit of a lame summary, but it's something like that. Would also love to see him publicly shamed for his abuse. In reality. That would help a lot too.

Funnily enough, I don't really run this one in my imagination. Hmmm, that's one for me to think about....

Anyway, once again, sorry for any wholly inadvertent offence caused. And glad you've reached this place!

AM
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by watashi »

I'm still scared of him, and he died more than 10 years ago.
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by aprilrenee »

i forgive. the saying hurt people hurt people comes to mind. i dont know what is right or wrong just where i am right now. the men where the hardest to forgive for me. my loved ones i forgave easier. by forgive i dont mean justify their behavior as acceptable.
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by amylynn »

The dictionary says one of the meanings of forgive is "to cancel a debt". As far as I'm concerned, my asshole raping brother owes me. He owes me, he will ALWAYS owe me and he will not NEVER be able to pay his fucking debt to me.

FORGIVENESS SHALL NEVER BE HIS.
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Re: Poll - Forgiveness

Post by brad44 »

You don't know if you can until happens.

Forgiven some of them, the genuinely sorry one's, didn't know I would or could, it just happened.

Cant forgive the others, got a long way in acceptance but not all forgiveness is possible, I tried forgiving too early to try and rid myself of hate but it didn't work, just made things worse so I took the forgiveness back.

Cant do it when YOU want to, cant do it if they only want it for the wrong reasons. It is down to them to earn it, mean it and if they do (as I said, some have to an extent), then it just happens...............unless you then choose to hold onto it, and then it can damage us instead.

But the worst one's are NOT sorry, they are angry I dare stand against them, (the little runt of the family), and these people are incapable of being forgiven, they don't deserve it! If I gave it to them they will use that against me as they did before!

Brad
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