A dozen ways to help

A dozen ways to helpa dozen ways to help

Educate yourself about child abuse and the healing process.
If you have a basic idea of what the survivor is going through, it will help you to be supportive. There are many good information sites on the internet, as well as the information you will find on our homepage. Talk with other survivors and supporters of survivors. Many are willing to share what has helped them, or can give you ideas on how to deal with a certain situation. If you need help to do this then try and join a mailing list or a forum which will provide you with support and information whilst maintaining your anonymity.

Believe the survivor.

Even if they sometimes doubt themselves, even if their memories are vague, even if what they tell you sounds too extreme, believe them. Survivors don’t make up stories of child abuse. Let them know that you are open to hearing anything they wish to share, and that although it’s painful and upsetting, you are willing to enter those difficult places with them and to receive their words with respect.

Validate the survivor’s feelings: their anger, pain, and fear.
These are natural, healthy responses. They need to feel them, express them, and be heard. You don’t have to fix them, just listen and acknowledge.

Join with the survivor in validating the damage.
All child abuse is harmful. Even if it’s not violent, overtly physical, or repeated, all abuse & rape has serious consequences. There is no positive or neutral experience of child abuse.

Be clear that the abuse or rape was not the survivors fault.
No one asks to be abused or raped. The survivor did what they had to do to survive. It is always the fault of the perpetrator.

Don’t sympathize with the abuser.
There is never any excuse for abuse an adult does to a child. The survivor needs your absolute loyalty.

Express your compassion.
If you have feelings of outrage, compassion, pain for their pain, do share them. There is probably nothing more comforting than a genuine human response. Just make sure your feelings don’t overwhelm theirs.

Respect the time and space it takes to heal.
Healing is a slow process that can’t be hurried. Go at the survivors pace.

Encourage the survivor to get support.
In addition to offering your own caring, encourage them to reach out to others. Get support for yourself. You will have many feelings about the abuse also. Get support for yourself. You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for the survivor.

Get help if the survivor is suicidal.
Most survivors are not suicidal, but sometimes the pain of the abuse or rape is so devastating that the survivor may want to kill themselves. If you are close to a survivor who is suicidal, get help immediately.

Resist seeing the survivor as a victim.
Continue to see them as a strong, courageous person who is reclaiming their own life.

Accept that there will very likely be major changes in your relationship with the survivor as they heal.
They are changing, and as they do, you may need to change in response.

2 Responses to A dozen ways to help

  1. MaryD says:

    my boyfriend just told me on Saturday that he was sexually abused multiple times when he was 13 by the neighbor who was 17 . He has kept this a secrete for 33 years now. He feels ashamed and relieved at the same time for telling me and will not seek professional help. So I am doing as much research as possible to try to help him. My heart hurts so bad for him but I think he feels like a weight has been lifted by telling me and I think the reason for telling me is that he wants help. I am the only person he has told he is recently divorced and never told his wife of over 20 years! What is most disturbing to him is during one of the encounters with his abuser his brother watched from the other side of the room and saw what was going on at that time and didn’t stop the abuser. They never spoke to each other about it . So I think that is the part that bothers him the most is that his brother didn’t protect him during this abuse. We have talked about the abuse and he is telling me a little more each time about what happened. He is at the point in his life that he wants answers now but is ashamed to talk about it with his brother . He has a lot of healing to do and I hope to help him or convince him to seek professional help but until then I will just continue to offer him support . I have learned a lot on how to help and be supportive from this site.

    • HAVOCA says:

      I’m glad our website has been helpful.

      As a male survivor, I found this book really helpful

      And you might find this useful reading for yourself;

      Good luck and thanks for being there for another survivor.

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