Anger – Grief


angerThe third stage is commonly anger. Anger comes when the person acknowledges not only that something happened but that it was abusive and harmed them. It is the beginning of the phase that what has been done to them matters. For many this stage is a welcome relief. The anger gives them a sense of power and energy over the abuse. Becoming angry is the first stage to accepting what has happened and it is also the start of becoming a survivor and not a victim. Anger has been titled ‘the back bone of healing’.

When you have trouble getting in touch with your anger think of someone you care about who is at the age you were when you were abused, such as a son, daughter, niece or nephew, and imagine that child being abused. Sometimes just saying ‘I am angry’ over and over again can help with the process of finding your anger.

Anger doesn’t have to be confused with violence. some people are afraid of showing anger for fear of becoming aggressive or violent. Some people are afraid that if they get angry they may hurt themselves or others. When these people experience anger for the first time they are surprised that no one got hurt and realise that the two do not necessarily come hand in hand.

To get in touch with your anger try writing a letter to someone stating what you have to be angry about, write how it has effected you and how you have been mistreated. If you have a revenge fantasy, write about it. you will get relief and at the same time no one will get hurt or frightened by your anger or thoughts.

The dangerous thing to do to anger is suppress it. Release it any way you know how, for example smashing glasses, tearing paper, working out, punching a pillow/punch bag etc.

Some victims become angry with everyone except the abuser. this is whilst they are coming to terms with feeling anger and testing it out. It is important for that person to rationally work through their feelings and direct their anger in the right place.

11 Responses to Anger – Grief

  1. AvatarJanet Smithey says:

    I am 54yrs old,and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse from the age of 5 to 15 at the hands of my stepfather. I learnEd just recently that my mother knew the entire time with her stating that it took the heat off of her.I have had much difficulty dealing with this fact and I’m nowhere near being able to forgive her and one of the reasons why is that she dismisses my pain. I have trouble just wrapping my head around the whole thing not understanding how a mother could betray her own child and put her in such harms way and then dismiss it as if it was a brutal spanking and I’m to get over it. I am so tired of being so troubled by my past.

    • AvatarDEE says:

      Hi I have just joined this forum as I to need help after carrying this burden far to long. You life seems to mirror mine and my one major problem was ANGER at my mother and her rapist husband.

    • AvatarKim25 says:

      Hi, I’ve been on HAVOC for a bit now going through these stages. Did your mother tell you she knew or did you just have a kind of feeling?

      I ask because I know I told my parents about my abuse from my cousin and I feel like both my mother and aunt (the mother of the abuser) not only knew but enabled for my abuse.

      It’s just what I feel and rationalize:
      – My aunt fondly remembers the days she would put me in the bathroom with her naked showering son and leaving. She missed those days (she told me so). I think she missed those days bc her troubled son was easier to deal with
      – I told my parents and I distinctly remember my mother calling me crazy (a lot) and telling everyone to ignore me bc I just wanted attention. She also sent me to my aunts place willingly
      – I don’t remember my brother or other cousin (the sister to my abuser) being at the house. Why wouldn’t they be there if my aunt was watching us. He was ~15/16 and I was ~7. My brother and female cousin were about ~12
      -When I got my period at 9, my mother distinctly told me never to be alone with boys, even if they are family (this was after coming out of an open tent in the middle of the day where I was playing cards with 2 of my other male cousins who are ~3yrs older). Why would she say that unless she was worried I’d get pregnant by a family member? I mean she was OK with me spending time with male cousins before. So this just seemed weird.
      -finally I was always told I was spoiled. My mother and aunt would “spoil” me to no end with gifts and food. Why would my aunt spoil me more than her own daughter?

      Idk I could just be trying to make something out of nothing but then again I feel like they knew and enabled for the repeated rape because they treated me differently than everyone else.

    • Hi there Janet, your situation so resonates with me, I know you wrote this a long time ago and wonder how you are getting on, I think I have never felt my anger at my abuse and over many years will come out in such a destructive force that it ruins or nearly ruins every meaningful relationship I have, whether partner, friend….I am maybe just beginning to see and try to understand the triggers in the present from the past but it is so hard!

      Julie x

  2. AvatarLin says:

    Sorry you are going through this. She is dead wrong!

  3. AvatarLin says:

    I’m sorry you were going through this. She is dead. Take it from another survivor. Some people just have no idea how to fix this for her whole life. The best revenge is getting well.

  4. AvatarHaley says:

    As a suvivor of sexual abuse. Anger has been my stage for well over several years now. I am recently in recovery from drugs and alcohol. But I have noticed so many things now that I am clean. And my trauma has caused more grief now than ever. My skills of being social and building healthy relationships with people is I don’t give them a chance to get to reject me or hurt me. So my first automatic instintic is to become defensive and angry.

  5. AvatarMary says:

    I was molested by a man from my neighborhood. I never told anyone and suffered from depression for almost 12 years. Tried to commit suicide twice but I chickened out. I found healing through religion but I noticed that I was angry and at some point I was scared of becoming violent. I suppressed my emotions and finally came clean to family in my 40s. I’m just getting help and I’m getting use to talking my issues out with both a psychologist and psychiatrist. I’m on medication for anxiety but I can’t help but still feel anger. Any advice?


  6. AvatarAngelica Calhuoun says:

    I was brutally raped multiple times as a teen. I would cut my arms and legs to.pieces and everyone knew. My mom would just hit me if she saw it. Say I was looking for attention. No one gave a shit. Still don’t.

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