Effects of abuse on Sexuality

Effects of abuse on Sexuality

Effects of abuse on Sexuality

What effects does abuse have on a child’s sexuality?

When a child is sexually abused, his/her normal sexual development is cut short. Being forced to be sexual on an adult level leaves the child not being able to develop his own desire, sexual orientation or interest. He/she doesn’t get a chance to explore sex in an age-appropriate way. The child learns that the abusers sexual desire is a scary, out of control, force and his/her first sexual experiences of arousal are linked with shame, disgust, pain and humiliation. This makes for powerful imprinting. If the abuse was linked with affection and nurturing, the child grows up confused about the difference between affection and sex, intimacy and intrusion.

What effects does abuse have on an adult’s sexuality?

In adulthood this can play out in several different ways: Some survivors chose celibacy or chose partners who don’t want sex. Sometimes they spend many years and a great deal of energy trying to find ways to avoid having sex. Some view sex as “dirty” or see it as an obligation that they must perform. Survivors may force themselves for years to go through the motions even though they are numb, absent or in a panic. They may think that they are frigid, or be confused about homosexuality, or maybe they just feel that they are dysfunctional all together because they do not understand that they are suffering from the effects of the abuse. They may have violent or abusive fantasies that arose them but then cause them great shame. Other times the survivor may confuse the partner with the abuser during sex, Sex becomes a mine field of painful associations and memories. Other survivors act out or become promiscuous believing that they are only good or loved for sex. He or She then fulfills this legacy sometimes with total disregard for his/her own safety. They feel they cannot say NO to sex and end up having sex with anyone that wants them.

The sense of well being and self-esteem gets hooked up with sexual desirability. The survivor might only feel a sense of self-worth when being sexually desired. Also here is the fact that many survivors find one-night stands sexually enjoyable. This is because they are disconnected with any emotional or intimate feelings regarding sex. As a child, survivors become programmed to disconnect from sex and from anyone who loved him and wanted sex with him. So as an adult, sex with an intimate partner may become a “skin crawling” experience. Many have noticed that the deeper the relationship became, the less they wanted sex with this person. They may feel so confused as to why they enjoyed sex before but suddenly can’t stand to be touched by the partner. I will get into how this effects the partners in the next paragraph. They may continually be unfaithful to their partners because they want to enjoy a sexual experience, they want to confirm to themselves that they are “sexually normal” that they can enjoy sex.

They may come to believe that this may mean they are not “in love” with the partner and even break up the relationship because of the sexual turn off that they feel. This then becomes a pattern. They can meet someone new, enjoy sex for a time and then as the relationship goes to a deeper more connected level, the same thing happens. They can’t stay disconnected from sex in an intimate relationship and they can’t connect sex with love. I have seen cases where because of this, survivors feel that they must be homosexual. They find a same sex partner, enjoy the sex in the beginning and then all the same things start happening to them. This leaves them feeling totally confused and dysfunctional.

How does this affect the Partner?

For partners of Survivors, this whole aspect is very frustrating. The partner can wind up feeling like a failure for not be able to give pleasure or express their true feelings to the survivor. They may feel rejected and at a loss on what to do about this situation. Their own sexual desires are put on hold. They love the survivor but have needs of their own also. It is important to remember that the survivor is feeling these feelings because of the abuse they suffered and it is not that the partner is lacking as a lover. It is hard not to take it personally as what could be more personal than your sex life, however, it really is not your fault. You could be the best lover on the planet and that would only serve to make the survivor more confused, more guilt ridden. Survivors feel a tremendous sense of guilt for not being sexually available for their partners…for not enjoying sex the way they wish they could. The survivor probably loves you very much but it is just too scary to feel this with his/her body too. In fact, the fact that they are willing to stay in the relationship and have to deal with this sexual issue every day, is proof that the survivor must care for you a great deal. IT takes a big toll on someone to try and avoid sex, make excuses, panic at being touched in the night, have all those feelings continually brought up.

When the survivor starts being honest about his or her feelings with the partner, the partner might feel shocked, angry and bewildered, especially if the survivor seemed to enjoy sex before. Sudden upheaval of sexual issues is the norm when survivors start to work on abuse issues. Patience with the survivor is key. Survivors often cannot work on sexual issues until the later stages of healing. If a survivor feels pressure to have sex during this time, it only serves to make him/her feel worse. Especially if there is fighting or threats about this. The survivor feels like this is the original abuse because they feel manipulated again. This only shuts the survivor down further. When the pressure for sex is taken off of the survivor, this allows him or her room to heal sexually. As a partner, you do have a choice, you can leave the relationship and find someone else to have sex with but the survivor can’t. Unless she/he heals sexually, these problems will follow her into every relationship for the rest of her life. Her/his motivation to heal and change is greater than yours. You cannot make someone heal sexually. You can’t set deadlines or orchestrate the survivors progress. You can set mutual goals and work toward them. You can make your feelings and needs known and say that sex is important to you and that you want, eventually, to have a mutual sexual relationship. The survivor understands this, they want the same thing. Things will change and can even though it may not seem like it now. Ultimately, you will be rewarded with a whole and healthy person.

Working with a survivor on sexual healing takes an incredible amount of patience, persistence and an acceptance of the fact that you are growing as a person too. Survivors often need to be the initiators of sex in order to feel in control. This is an important thing for partners to understand.

Let the survivor make the moves and set the pace for your love making. If the survivor feels in control, often this makes a very big difference. Try not to feel rejected when you reach over in bed and your partner flinches from your touch. Remember that a lot of survivors do not like to be touched when they are sleeping. For obvious reasons, this is very triggering for them. Avoid power struggles over sex. During this time, partners may find it extremely helpful to join a support group.

198 Responses to Effects of abuse on Sexuality

  1. brittany says:

    i was sexually abused by my step father for 4 years… ywars later and it still eats at me i havnt told anyone i have been too scared to because of the things he used to threaten to do.what do i fo

    • Henrietta Frazier says:

      It’s time to break your silence n start the healing process or you will forever be imprisoned to that pain. When you keep silent it gives consent to the abuser n continue to hold power over your life.

    • Henrietta Frazier says:

      It’s time to break your silence n start the healing process or you will forever be imprisoned to that pain. I think your silence gives consent so its important for you not to give your abuser power over your life.

    • anon says:

      i have been abused by my father as well. and i too was scared of saying anything but its time you speak up, i waited too long and let him have this power over me. take the control back. last year i finally said something. it ate me alive for 12 years, feeling ashamed and alone, your voice is your greatest weapon DO NOT LET HIM SHUT YOU OUT.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      You have to accept that he cannot and will not do those things – and even if he did, then it is his responsibility NOT yours!

      You now need to share this – you need to tell someone. It does not have to be your mum or anyone in your family. You will probably need help for that and for confronting your father – which you will almost certainly need to do to get closure. Try to ensure that you do confront him before he is ill or dies – when you will get no closure. You do not have to take him through the courts if you do not want to (although that is always something that you should consider – to prevent him doing it to anyone else in future – you will probably discover that you are NOT his only victim!).

      Seek professional help NOW! If you can face it go to your GP, otherwise look on line for a therapist or counsellor.

    • Anon says:

      I’m was abused by my mother when I was 12. Im a male. Im now 46 and disclosed this 2 years ago. I’ve been depressed angry, blamed my wife for the black hole I feel inside. Had several emotional affairs and 2 physical affairs trying to plug that hole. My wife knows. We have been married 20 years. I said nothing till 2 years ago. We are in counselling. But I finally realised that it was my issues causing the problem. I have no idea how to resolve this.

      • Strongwilled says:

        Anon,

        I am a female survivor. I was 5 years old when my abuse happened. My mom’s boyfriend abused me sexually. I do not remember how long this went on, but I do remember that I did not feel like I had anyone behind my back. I went to counseling afterwards, but never talked about it with any one of them. I supressed my issues as a young child growing up and displaying permiscuous behavior shortly after my abuse. I lost my virginity at the age of 11 to someone who broke my heart after a 3 year relationship. Then, I spiralled into a pattern of having sex just because I could. My first marriage ended because he cheated and did not want to keep the marriage. The anger and bitterness and hurt and that I felt was awful! I walked into another relationship 6 months after my ex filed for divorce and after I had my 2nd child with my ex. I moved in with my now husband 4 or 5 months after meeting him. 6 months later I left him because I did not know what I wanted. I was at the tail end of my divorce and because my first husband never wanted me to work (told me that thekids would not know either of their parents and never supported me having a job outside the home) I did not have a job. I started feeling like I had lost my identity after I lied to my now husband and went to see an old fling. Nothing happened sexually, but the emotional ties that I apparently still had were there. 2 or 3 months after I left I came back to a relationship where there was no trust which I completely understood. I had crushed his heart 🙁 We worked on our problems and after a short while he asked me to marry him. two years later we were married. 4 years into our marriage something snapped becuase all the distrust and anger has come up again. Our entire relationship (7 years) my husband has wanted us to explore an open relationship. From the very beginning I never wanted to do it. I guess I did it to please him or to find kind of something. I am curious as to what you mean by “trying to plug the hole”. I have always felt like there was something missing. I am wondering if that is what I did by exploring an open relationship. My husband feels deeply about him just not being enough and I have tried to tell him that he is, but maybe in some way because I have not healed he is not. All of my relationships have been unhealthy and I have always had one. I think that you are doing what you can by going to counseling now. I think that is a good step. I know the pain you are experiencing; although it may not be exactly the same. After a while of being with people on a romantic and physical level I shut down. i can no longer experience what is beautiful. I no longer have the desire to be with my husband sexually which causes him immense pain and has caused A LOT of distrust, anger and resentment. I feel like there is no way out, like I am doomed to feel this way forever. Just yesterday we started counseling. We both have issues that need sorted. I need healing. I told him a week ago that I needed to refrain from sexual activities and he has withdrawn himself almost completely. I understand why, but I need to figure out me before I can be completely there for someone else. I know it is not fair, but that’s what needs to happen and I know it.

        My point is, I know you feel alone and maybe angry and tired of dealing with this. I did not realize that my abuse was why I was so unhappy until this past year and I just thought there was no fixing it. You can heal, but it will take time. The thing is is that you don’t have to resolve this on your own. Talk to your spouse and tell what you need. Be there for her in ANY way that you can even if its just making her lunch for the day or getting her to the spa or giving her a massage. If you shut her out she will withdraw and that’s where resentment starts.

        What has helped me the last week is refraining from sex. I do not have that hanging over my head. I still feel guilty for not being able to and I sad because I have cut that off. Just this morning he tried and I called the stop sign into play. I have to do what is right for my head in order to heal and so do you.

        Without you being whole, you cannot fully be there for someone else.

        I hope that helps

      • Mike says:

        I’m a male. I was abused by my mother when I was very young I believe frequently. When I was a teen she drugged and raped me once. I a couple years later walked in on her doing it to my younger brother. I just closed the door and walked away. I have myself for that. I feel so much guilt. It was just to much it triggered things I don’t know how to understand. I’m 32. Married have kids and my head is so fucked. I’m not an abuser. I’m the opposite kind . I just wanted to tell u your not alone.

        • Mary says:

          I was molested by my father, and saw him peeping on my oldest sister. I’m also 32 and married with kids and my head is fucked as well. I never told anyone what my father did to us out of fear of what others might think of him. I was always afraid he might go to jail. I also writing so you know you are not alone.

          • Danie says:

            Why are you afraid he goes to jail? Is it because he is nice to you now, provide for you?

            Aren’t you worried he is doing the same right now to his grandchildren?

        • Barbie says:

          Mike you are not alone, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I pray that you have someone to talk to or are in the process of finding someone to talk to you, hope my message reaches you

        • Kari Montes says:

          Mike. So brave of you to share. Try not to be so hard on yourself. What you saw was probably a huge trigger for you. You are not responsible for the actions of others. Give yourself grace.

      • Barbie says:

        I hope the counseling helped and provided you any clarity to move forward in your life. You are not alone brother

      • Joan says:

        I was abused by my dad at 9 years old I just can’t get over it I constantly want a way out of my nightmares

    • De says:

      I was abused by my stepdad too for about 4 years. I told pretty much everytime it happened but no prevail. The first time my mom caught him but she made it about her. No one never believed me. I started acting out in school. I was skipping school and had to do community service. My family talked about me so bad, I had no one. My dad passed away when I was 10 so I had no one to protect me. I thought my uncles would but they didnt care. Only person that cared was my Assistant principal in 9th grade. She was also my asst principal in middle school too so she noticed a change in me. I opened up to her and I was finally heard. A case was opened and I thought I was finally getting away from it all. But nope.. They dropped the case because I told one person “it” went in and another “it” didn’t. I didnt really know the difference because I was a virgin. Its my fault tho. I should have asked them what they meant. But because of that the case was dropped and my mom moved him right back in. Even now I just feel I should have just kept quiet. I remember everyone was mad at me. My brothers and sister didnt want me around. I honestly had no refuge. I was being teased at home, teased at school, and at church. I felt like I deserve all this. I still struggle daily. And now it has effected my relationship. I wanna be able to please him sexually but I just dont know how..

      • Pleshette Thomas says:

        It is not your fault that you didn’t answer the question right, that is a very hard subject to tell anyone and with court you have to repeat the story several time causing you to relive it over and over again. I too experienced that,so with mines my stepdad found my journal and submitted it in court…I was 13 at the time of court,but he had molested me from 8-12.my journal was new & I had entered info about boys I had slept with, but yes cause I was exposed at an early age to sex by my stepdad…they used my journal against me. So I just said forget it& he got off…but I and God knows the truth. I have moved on ,I believe talking about it, helping others,counseling, a relationship with a higher being all helped me to overcome all the obstacles, it’s a daily battle but we are worth it

        • Hollister random says:

          Hey, is there a way you can contact me, I really need someone to talk to about this topic but I’m scared to, reading your comment made me feel secure in a way and wished to open up about something that happened to me but i’m not sure if i did wrong or if it’s my fault. my instagram is gloria.638, if you see this, please contact me, thank you

    • Lie says:

      When I was in elementary school I was sexually abused by a subtle figure teacher for a period of 2 weeks. After that I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. I only recently told a friend about this and not in detail. I have been worried lately though because I enjoy “rough play” and I don’t get stimulation from penetration. I feel like I won’t be able to be aroused when making love to a lover. I am really worried, I did t even know I had been impacted so much by it since I was so young and hardly remembered.

      • Blondie01 says:

        I’m the same way I have never achieved an organs through penetration I have faked it my entire adult and teen life! I was raped at 4 years old I believe I have suppressed the memory so bad and it’s starting to come out in flashes in night terrors! I also love rough sex and call whoever I’m with Daddy and I feel so ashamed and feel like a freak! It has ruined almost ever single relationship I’ve ever been in and my 16 year marriage. I just cannot remember as hard as I am trying!!!!! It’s consuming my mind since my night terrors started back recently. Why why why can’t I remember???????

        • Mary says:

          Shrooms is a really great way to seek your truth. I microdoses for 6months and found out I was sexually and physically abused by multiple ppl before I was 5. I had no idea but I knew I was numb for a reason🤷. Seeing what happened was pretty fucked up and through me for a loop. But It gave me the information I needed to heal and move on. If you are wanting to know ur past try shrooms but please becarful and make sure u have a spirit guide for that kind of trip

          • Caitlyn Murphy says:

            I’ve been micro dosing as well for 4 months, I feel like things happened to me as well but can’t remember. Its such an odd thing to feel and not know exactly why. How did you finally come to that conclusion?

        • Sepi says:

          Blondie01, I can somewhat relate to your situation. I was sexually abused for years by the adult son of my mother’s girlfriend. I remember every disturbing detail. His scent, the way his junk felt in my childhood hands, and the physical pain of his attempts to penetrate me. Later in life, we lost contact with them. I believe they moved to Phoenix. As I began puberty and began discovering my body, I found myself fantasizing about his gentinals. In summary, I know he interrupted my sexual development and as result I enjoy sex with women and men. Throughout my life, I have felt tremendous shame and disgust in myself for enjoying the sexual stimulation of men because of the way I was introduced to it as a 5 year old boy. I know I’m damaged but the one thing I believe many of us can agree on is all people sexually abused as children, do not grow up to be child molester themselves. I could never destroy a kids life the way mine was. I don’t understand how pedophiles see children as more than innocent and developing humans.

    • Barbie says:

      I hope that you have found the strength to come forward in your truth. You deserve to life your life free from the mental imprisonment imposed on you by your abuser. I hope you are old enough to have physically removed yourself from whatever living situation you were in that enabled this abuse. You are strong and resilient and have every right to be here and live truthfully.

    • Minister Simmons says:

      Tell someone.

    • Sarah says:

      Hi Brittany, I know this reply is years later my dear, but I still would like to be of help to you if I could. I am too a survivor as well I was 11 when I was abused. Stopped when I was in my 18th year. I disclosed it all to my family when I was 21. Went to court fighting for 4.5 years to be exact but I held my step uncle accountable for his horrible wrongful behaviour. Not only did I win in the court of law but I spoke up and stood tall and was heard. I knew I had to protect my (future) nieces and nephews. That’s what pushed me to start to come forward more and more each time. When you break your silence WE make them weaker and they know it. I am 31 years old now and living a successful happy life… believe, believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel too. You need to free yourself from the pain you did nothing wrong Brittany! Once you do you’ll be at peace I hope in between all this time you did fine your voice!

      – Sarah

      • Hayden says:

        I was in 4th grade I was a young male knew nothing about sexual contact, my sister was in 8th or 9th sometime I would sleep with her or my parents grade she took My had and stuck it down her pants at the time I do don’t know what was happening knew I felt hair and a kind of hole proceed buy jacking me off after while I felt a weird sensation and I got up went to the bathroom, because of this weird sensation my penis made, nothing came out obviously I hadn’t even been through puberty yet. Never told a person for 20 years I told my family and they told. Me I was just dreaming or I’m just crazy it’s bull crap

    • Warm hearted says:

      Please tell someone you can trust. It will eat away at you until you do. God bless you 🙏

    • Josh says:

      I was molested by my stepfather from ages 8 to 17. He would come into my room at night and put his hand down my pants and fondle me. I used to try and sleep with blankets tucked in. When I was older I wore jeans to bed because I thought it would make it harder for him to do it and I’d be safe. It didn’t. And I spent all those years pretending it wasn’t happening. There was a mixture of shame, tying to convince myself it was all just a dream, and simply not wanting to hurt my mom and little brothers by breaking up the family. I only said something when my younger cousin said during a family meeting that he had also been molested by my stepfather. I like to believe that I’ve coped well and have few issues now but the truth is that I’m still very much dealing with the trauma on a level I’m still having trouble comprehending. Frequent masturbation makes me disassociate orgasm from intimacy and actually, as a cruel twist of irony, makes me over associate my self worth with sex with my wife. I’m finding that I put so much emphasis on needing to have sex with her to connect my love for her to pleasure that I put too much pressure on myself and too much emphasis on that one physical act. Ultimately it’s damaging because if we go even a couple weeks without having sex I begin to become irritable and depressed and my anxiety starts working overtime questioning myself with “Why doesn’t she want me? Did I do something wrong? Am I failing as a husband? Is she not attracted to me anymore?” Of course none of those things are true but it doesn’t make it less real. My point in all this rambling I guess is that you are not alone. None of us here are alone. And this trauma we suffered may take years to move past. We may spend the rest of our lives working to move past it the same as an alcoholic spends their life working to stay sober. But we need to know there are others on the journey with us. I know your post was 6 years ago now. I hope that you are doing better and have found some relief. Much love to you and all of our fellow survivors 🙏

    • Anthony says:

      Please tell someone bc I ruined my life and others 😭 in it by not telling!!!!

    • Tia says:

      I was too abused by my stepfather for about 8 years, but he is my little sisters father so I don’t want to tell anyone what had happened. Nothing has happened in years and now we have a bond like dad and daughter but I feel as though I have a lot of issues due to this. I don’t want to speak and let my little sister and mum know what happened but at the same time I know that this has effected my mental health completely. My real father left me at 4 years of age and I was abused from the age of 7-15 so I have never really had a proper father figure in my life.

      • Tracy Couch says:

        What about your sister be sure she hasn’t become a victim just as well please please make sure she hasn’t… My sister n myself are both victims of our father as well we both never knew for the longest time.. I was so happy to find out I wasn’t alone we shared the same darkest secret. Don’t let her be alone check on her.

    • Daisy Villalobos says:

      I was sexually abused by my dad’s brother since i was in preschool till i was 13 yrs old everyone knew what was going on once we moved in with my dad’s parents they didn’t want to believe it and blamed me. My dad’s mom was so evil she told lies to my dad at the age of 10 that I’ve been sleeping with older guys going into cars my dad beat me cause of her she enjoyed ruining my life I’m 19 and i try and not to think of all this I’m a teen mom and i just don’t want to go back into s dark place like i was when i was more of a teen.. As a sexual abuse survivor dv, mental & physical child abuse i know how it feels to want to end it all wishing it’ll get better ik the feeling of everything the dirty memories with the person that took my virginity i have to live with that i hate the idea of it it makes me sick till this day my dad will never accept the fact that his own brother raped & molested his daughter under his nose.

  2. Quad kelly says:

    I have been abused as a child and don’t think I know how to love myself,but I look for love in men and don’t understand why

    • Trish says:

      I know how that feels

      • anon says:

        I know how that feels. You need to recover from the guilt, shame, and worthlessness. It was not your fault. Love yourself first. That emotional black hole you are seeking to fill can only be filled by you and counselling. It’s so hard. But first step is recognising that fear of rejection, abandonment is driving potentially dependant relationships. Try to recognise this pain, and accept it, but not let it become your gut feeling / instinct.

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m a female abused by a family around 5 or 6. I’m in a serious relationship now and it’s starting to enter that phase where we’re getting really intimate. I feel numb though. I also am reminded of my trauma. I just hate having that bastard in the back of my mind while looking at my boyfriend with so much love. It’s such a painful burden and I still cry over it

  3. Anonymous says:

    Last thing I want to do is talk to a bunch of strangers about my problems. I was abused sexually from as far back as I remember. Im in my late 30s now and I can’t enjoy sex with my husband. I avoid it, I feel physically sick when it does happen. And he just dont get it.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      If you cannot resolve this with your husband, then I think the only option you have left is try to resolve it with a ‘bunch of strangers’ – hence you are posting this!

      Once you start talking its not as hard as you fear. It is, I think, often easier to write it down (like this) or you might find that art therapy is useful for you. I could not have talked as much as I have without a (really really crappy) piece of art therapy that I did in The Priory. The art therapist was useless, but a fellow patient told me how he had drawn a picture of his abuse. He showed it to me and talked me through it and what it meant to him (his drawing was no better than mine) – it was really precious to him and really helped him to talk to other counsellors. I did a similar picture of my story and this really helped me first to talk to him and then to another patient and subsequently to other therapists and counsellors. In the fulness of time, I am hopeful that it will help me through all this crap and help me to explain it all to my mum with whom I am currently unable to communicate. I get really panicky if I lose this silly piece of paper!

    • Jen Butler says:

      I’m 45, married 3 times and about to end number 3, tried the other gender and I just realised what the fuck is going on.. please get help. I feel like it’s too late for me, but not you..

    • alarna warburton says:

      Snap I was sexually abused as a kid and my partner dose not get it it has big problem in my relationship don’t no whta to so go councelling but not helping

  4. Susan says:

    Help. Does anyone else feel tacitly in my/their body that I am having sex with a man; actual penetration. I can’t control it and I can’t stop it help. I was damaged by sexual abuse as a child but have been celebrant >{?sp) successfully for years but my sexual urges are now out of control. Help.

    • Aaron says:

      To clarify, you feel like you’re being penetrated by a man when you’re not at all? Is it like a health issue with your vagina? Did you get hurt? Or is it that you feel it, and want it so bad and that’s where your urges come into play? I say have all the sex you can! As long as you’re safe, it’s a healthy natural thing that we all desire. As long as it’s enjoyable for you, I say why not. Numbers mean nothing. I suffer from not having any emotional attachment towards women because i was forced to do things to my sister by my babysitter when I was 7. I’ve been a sexual person ever since, whether it’s intercourse with women , or masturbating, I need that pleasure and do it everyday sometimes multiple times a day. So that’s why no say do what makes you feel good.

    • JKLM says:

      This is exactly why I’m reading this…I’m so confused and the guilt of self pleasing is making me sick to my stomach

  5. Leo says:

    Hi, I was sexually abused by my step brother from the age of 4 until 6 then it stopped but when I was 12 he raped me. The police were involved etc and I have overcome what happened. I am in a relationship with someone I love and I really do love him but find it hard to show affection I don’t enjoy kissing and don’t cuddle him much although I don’t mind that as much as kissing I do have a sexual relationship with him and I enjoy it but it’s just the simple things I struggle with like kissing and holding hands I’m also pregnant with his baby but feel like I’m not good enough I want him to know how much I love him but just can’t . Why is this ? Am I just weird? He gets upset because I cuddle my cat and kiss him but it’s different I see my cat as a huge comfort why is this please help x

    • Anne-Marie says:

      No – you are not weird, but you have been damaged and you do need help for your sake, for your partners sake and for your baby’s sake. Don’t do as I did and think ‘I’m coping, things are fine, I don’t need help’ for decades! Eventually it will catch up with you and in the meantime you will be causing yourself and your loved ones damage.

      You are good enough to have him know how much you love him and how much you are struggling and he needs to know why you are struggling and he deserves the opportunity to try to help you overcome it or at least to understand why you have difficulties showing him the affection he wants and needs and deserves. If you cannot overcome your difficulties, he at least deserves an explanation.

      Cuddling the cat provides non threatening comfort – stroking an animal is comforting anyway and releases endorphins which relax you and boost your self esteem, but a loved pet, who reciprocates your devotion is also providing you with a positive relationship with positive, reciprocative feedback/ undemanding unconditional love without any complication of involving sex.

      Please seek professional help as soon as possible and talk to your partner as soon as you possibly can (today if you feel you can talk without professional support).

    • Aaron says:

      Holding hands, kissing, and cuddling are very personal and to me more intimate than having sex. My last girlfriend and I never did any of those things, eventually she learned that’s just not who I am. We would have enjoyable sex, not as much as she liked, but eventually parted ways because she didn’t feel the personal affection she needed. Eventually he either learn to accept that about you, or find other ways to be close with you. To me he needs to learn that’s the way you are, and if you haven’t explained to him why like you have here, try it. I hope he’ll understand. I sent this to my ex and now she totally gets why I was the way I was with intercourse or not being all cute and cuddly.

  6. Veronicah says:

    HI, I was sexually abused by a stranger at night when I was on my way home. I am lucky i got support and i healed.

    now the problem is that i am in a relationship but my partner is complaining that I don’t satisfy him sexually. What do I do? Please help.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      Veronicah – if you do not satisfy him sexually that is not your fault! You need to talk to him. You need to tell him that it is his problem and that you are willing to try to help him with his problem, but simply saying that you do not satisfy him is demeaning to you and unacceptable, but you are willing to try to help him to resolve his problem (assuming that you are!). You could ask him why he feels you are not satisfying him, what you might be able to do differently to rectify the situation, if it is in his head – has anyone ever ‘satisfied him’, is he simply asking you to accept that he wants to be more adventurous with you (if so you have to decide if you are happy to go with that) or if he is basically asking you for carte blanche to seek other sexual partners (perhaps you may be, but think seriously about the effect on your self esteem if you decide you can go with that – and do be prepared to re-evaluate it at a later date if you find you cannot cope with it! My advice is, no matter how hard it is to put your foot down and say no to other partners, long term it will be the least destructive for your self esteem).

      Remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that you were abused and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that he feels he is not satisfied – only he can resolve what he means by this and how much being sexually satisfied means to him and (most importantly) how much YOU mean to him.

      • Christy says:

        @ Anne-Marie, exactly! Thats an abusers way to trauma bonding if ya ask me. And yes that is his problem! @ Veronicah, Do not let him make you feel less than or that youre lacking or that theres anything wrong with you at all. In any way shape or form! If you care enough and want to compromize like people do for one another in healthy relationships and theres nothing wrong with spicing up your love life, trying new things or keeping things interesting. You might ask what it is he desires or fantisizes and if you feel comfortable trying any of it to bring it to reality then go for it. However, set boundaries. Dont ever do anything out of your comfort zone just to please him. If he doesnt respect that then he needs to go find his fancy else where because you arent it, and thats ok!!! Also, see to it that he is also willing to compromise as well, if theres things youd like him to do for your pleasure. Of course the same respect to boundaries with him from you. Seems those of us who have been victims of sexual abuse tend to think we have to do whatever it takes to please our partners sexually. If your partner makes you feel that way and doesnt care about you feeling safe or comfortable than they are an abuser, taking advantage of the vulnerablities that stem from abuse and thats a long hard road and no way to live 💖💖

    • Sharna says:

      I was sexually abuse for many years by a family member. And I just had my long term partner of 4 cheat on me. As apparently I wasn’t giving him enough sex. I even told him everything. They have no idea what we go through everyday. We know they need our affection but we have a hard time seeing sex as affection. You aren’t alone there are many women that are experiencing similar problems just like you.

    • Aaron says:

      Is the problem that you have issues connecting with him on a sexual level because of what happened? Is it just him or have others told you this as well? Try other options such as role play, mutual masturbation, even some anal play on him. I enjoy lite anal play, not really penetration, a small finger and some tounge do the trick for me. Be open to trying new things, new places. Variety plays a huge role when the flame starts to flicker out. Sometimes you might want to do things that you don’t like but he does, as long as it’s not hurtful towards you of course. New toys, outfits, maybe other people. I know alot of people who share partners or add another person and say it really strengthened their sexual connection with each other and turned them on. You of course always have the right to stop or say no, but I say at least try, if it works great, if not, well now you know. In all reality, I think good strong sex is quite important in a relationship. And if you can’t please him, find something or someone who can, or he will. I’d rather you have the say in that. Good luck .

  7. Rachel Jordan says:

    Hello! My partner was abused by a priest (now dead) until the age 15. He tells me that sex is just sex and he has no emotions no matter who he has sex with. Is this normal for a man that had been sexually abused? I feel like maybe it’s a defense mechanism. Is there anything I can do to help bringet emotion into our sex life?

    • Anne-Marie says:

      Rachel – I think that some abused men do respond in this way. I was recently in The Priory with both men and women who had been abused. Abuse victims seem to go one of two ways – either they take the attitude ‘sex is just sex’ and that is their way of coping (often becoming pretty promiscuous in the process) or they become frigid and fearful of sex and consciously or subconsciously avoid it! Not really sure which is more healthy or helpful. If you have had sex forced upon you when you were too young, too small, too inexperienced, too unprepared to know how to deal with it, then shutting down emotionally and letting it happen could actually be a very efficient coping mechanism. But continuing with a sex life without emotional attachment as an adult with loving partner is not healthy and will ultimately lead to the collapse of the relationship. You need to try to get your partner to seek help and if they won’t (I suspect he won’t) then you need to get help firstly to protect yourself and secondly to try to help him.

    • Christy says:

      it is a defense mechanism. Ive felt the same way. We have a fear of rejection that in relatiinships we are going to get hurt anyway. Its sad for him to have such a beautiful thing taken from him. Alot of people dont understand what all a person is raped of, when theyve been raped. Im not sure because im a female thats had these things done to me,but i think there could be a bit more that a male goes through when raped by another male… Any way its sad. Ive been in a marriage of “just sex” for 17 years. I was an object. No love, no respect, no intimancy. It sucks!

  8. Jeffrey says:

    I was sexually abused by my older sister between age 8 and 9. My parents shamed me, I felt I failed them and never could do good again. Still feel that. When I was a little older (12/13) I emulated what my sister did, abusing my younger sister for s short time. I am 43 and married now and can’t be intimate with my wife. She understands why, but it is difficult for both of us. I just want to fix it sooner than later. I just want to be normal. I have many sexual desires and want to be with men and women and have so many fantasies (normal and alternative)…but it also makes me anxious and sick. I can’t get away from the feelings that I am a cancer. Sure I was abused, but later I was no better. I’m in therapy but the complications are so confused and “complicated”. Hard to see a way to ever feel peace and forever in fight or flight mode or self-hate.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      Jeffrey – I feel for you. I was abused by an older baby sitter and his younger brother when I was 8. It was only last summer when my husband came out as gay that our counsellor made me face up to the fact that I had been an abused child – until last summer (aged 50) I had thought of it as unfortunate events and I was/ still am convinced that they were from an abusive family and did to me what had been done unto them. I coped with it all until my husband left me for his toy boy (25!). Since the summer I have gone completely to pieces. Because I feel sure that my abusers must have been through it, I don’t actually ‘blame’ them. I have since stopped communicating with my mother because I cannot deal with her emotions and her guilt and her ‘tough love’ but I do not blame her either (although I feel sure that, despite her constantly questioning my memory of the facts and demanding what EXACTLY happened – I don’t know, I have some very defined vivid memories and some yawning gaps – she feels unnecessary, unproductive guilt). I left my baby sister with the abuser – my husband insisting on telling my family as well as the counsellor means I have had the chance to apologise to her – have you tried apologising to your younger sister and explaining what you went through? Has your older sister apologised to you? Has she explained what prompted her to abuse you? Was she abused? Perhaps by a parent, baby sitter, uncle, family friend, school friend? How long have you been in therapy? I feel sure that long term therapy will work (I hope!). Talk to your wife. Remember that intimacy with your wife is a necessary component to expressing your love for her and the sanctity of your relationship – it is not abusive. Yes, you love your sisters, but in the way you love your wife. Intimacy with your wife is right and natural, such intimacy with your sisters was not, but you were a child and needed help – no-one recognised your needs or your sisters needs at the time, but now I hope counselling or psychotherapy can help you.

      It has helped me to hear your story. It has made me all the more sure than my abusers were themselves victims. My marriage was predominantly celebrate – it never occurred to me that this was indicative of a serious problem. I thought it was lack of time, pressure of demanding careers and children!

    • Trixie says:

      I know you commented this a long time ago but heres hoping you’ll get this. I was abused by my mothers partner as a child. I was constantly exposed to sex when we lived in his house. As I grew older i found myself being drawn to videos on the internet that reminded me of my abuse, and then being deeply ashamed of it. I’ve never hurt anyone or watched anything illegal, but I’m only 14 years old and I’m worried that because I’m drawn to fantasizing about my abuse, though I am ashamed of it, someday I may hurt someone, or become someone I don’t want to be. Please, if theres any advice or some way you could help me I’d really really appreciate it.

      • Abbie says:

        Trixie if you see this I’m only a bit older than you, but I’ve had a similar experience- I’ve been drawn to videos and fantasies that remind me of my abuse, and when I’ve indulged myself in those I feel incredibly guilty later on. I’ve also hurt good people because all I know of sex and love has been so warped, then I project that on people. All I can think to say is, DO NOT let yourself learn to associate sex/pleasure/romance with shame, guilt, and abuse. The psychological pathways that form in your brain from that type of association, especially since you’re young, will be very difficult to undo. How you do that will be specific to you and will require some type of professional help, and I would strongly encourage you to think about that if you have not already. hope this helps

  9. Grace says:

    The worst thing about sexual abuse, especially as a child, is that it screws with our developmental rate. I was molested by a couple of teenage boys from the age of about 8 to 9, and that was minor compared to what I see happening to other people. When you’re forced into a sexual role at an age where you’re too young to fully understand all of the implications, the results can be crippling once you reach adulthood. Something that I, and several other people, have faced, is both over-sexualization in older years (i.e. abusing others, excessive masturbation, fantasies that you wouldn’t normally have, prostitution, and sexting) and the utter gut-churning anxiety of a committed sexual relationship.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      I was in the same position as you. I went the other way! I fear sex and sexual involvement!

    • Aaron says:

      I have those exact same problems. I’m extremely sexual. Like it’s a need, a craving I must satisfy on way or the other. Some of the things that go through my mind in fantasy land I can’t even believe I think of them sometimes. I’ve never abused anyone else or had a prostitute. I cross my fingers but I’m not dead yet. But especially the sex with random women, and excessive masturbation. Then, it’s like once I do satisfy myself, I go through a moment of disgust and shame with myself and say “what’s wrong with you, you pervert. if people found out your desires and what you do, they would be completely disgusted” 🙁 then, maybe a few hours later, I’m back to thinking about sex.

      • Lee says:

        Hi Aaron,.You could have been writing about me. I was abused by an older boy (I’m male) just before kindergarten. Now, as an older man I realize more and more the confusion and shame , and guilt for enjoying sex, that has tormented me since then. I’ve had extensive psychotherapy from, what I learned. was a homosexual predator with a Ph.D. I gave him total trust, so when he made moves on me for sex I thought I must be homosexual because he is a doctor. For years this tormented me and I was lost, until I was able to figure it out. I’m not homosexual and I understand better the fantasies I have. It’s importan to understand that some of the sexual desires expressed in fantasies are due to the abuse, especially when the abuse was not painful at the time. I am damaged, but I know it and it’s ok. Learning to accept myself and reject internal criticism seems to be the key….but the guilt and shame for having sexual desires and getting staisfaction still rears it’s ugly head…..but……no where as intense or debilitating as it used to be.

  10. Carrie says:

    My brother raped me but if he could be as honest as you are being it did would make me feel so much better. If he could tell me why he did it that would help too but he didn’t reply to my letter asking for an apology. Perhaps you could let your younger sister know you are sorry and allow her to feel better, in turn I think that would allow you to feel better too. I am so sorry if you can’t get an apology from your older sister and I am also very sorry that your parents shamed you. That has been a terrible burden. I understand what you mean about the flight or flight mode and the self hate as I suffer from both of those too. Don’t be put off thinking that things are ‘complicated’ and ‘confused’ as I’m sure most people writing here feel that their situation is complicated, certainly mine is and I get frustrated that I can’t explain in it simply. I do hope you can find some peace through your therapy and support from your wife.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      Hi Carrie,

      Have you tried just talking to your brother? Perhaps if you could start a dialogue without expecting an explanation or apology, you might be able to get him to start to think about it. You might later get an explanation and/or apology. You might find that he too was abused and this led to your abuse. Perhaps not starting with asking for an apology might get the honesty more quickly as he might then not feel judged.

      I hope you get the resolution you need.

  11. Cynthia karned says:

    I feel like I’m lost, I was abused as a child by my step father for years, I have had three failed marriages, I always feel as though I want to have sex,but during sex, I get so scared tense, wonder what is he thinking,why do I do this, I am 59, years old and never in my life have I ever felt or had an orgasm, I just lay there, I tell my mind to relax try to enjoy my husband but my mind will not let my body! I feel as though I have lost myself, I feel like the intamacy is dirty, I feel dirty, I panick I feel as though I am doing something wrong, I am just so messed up over this! My first marriage I choose not to tell my husband about the abuse for fear of losing him,when he did find out he left because he didn’t believe my step dad could have done that, my second husband I didn’t tell because I lost my first one because he found out, then my stepfather tried to molest my oldest daughter I freaked out ,got her away from him, but then my husband started saying things like o go have sex with your dad you must like that! Omg I was so so very hurt! No one could imagine the hurt I felt, my third husband I decided to tell before I married him, he was so comforting telling me how sorry he was I had to go through that, one year later, he changed started calling all my family child molesters and anyone born by a child molester would grow into a molester, omg are you kidding me!!!!! Please please help me!!!! I do not know how to fix me!!!!!!!!

    • Personal says:

      You’re 2nd and 3rd husbands were abusers too. Very emotionally unavailable and abusive. You’ve been victimized too often. You were helpless at one point as a child. Counseling can help you leave victimhood.

  12. Anne-Marie says:

    Cynthia, I completely understand your fear and your panic. I too feel that I am ‘messed up’ and that I have never been able to relax and simply ‘enjoy’ sex with my husband – not that we had that much sex! This was made more difficult recently when he declared he was gay and moved in with his boyfriend half his age (50 and 25!).

  13. Lou says:

    I was sexually abused by my headteacher at school when i was 8 years old. Over 30 years later i am still haunted by this. He only did it once. I have never told anyone. Everyday i feel more tortured. i don’t know what to do. I feel like i am on self destruct mode.

  14. Anne-Marie says:

    Lou – you have to tell someone. If you cannot face telling anyone you know, how about contacting a counsellor http://www.havoca.org/resources/find-a-therapist/ or a local abuse support group – I think that there are links on one the pages on this webpage http://www.havoca.org/resources/support-groups/ or there is a Facebook support group if you are on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/2350801370/?ref=br_tf&qsefr=1 If you are in the UK you could try http://napac.org.uk/?gclid=CjwKEAiArIDFBRCe_9DJi6Or0UcSJAAK1nFvOsc4iLZXeJPZ3YJJe_eAHrechKyBfgBp0h7yT4NwDxoClKjw_wcB Are you married? Do you have a partner? I think a lot of people tell a partner first. I didn’t find my partner was much support, but to be honest, I didn’t really feel I needed support until he decided he was gay and moved out – suddenly everything crashed around me and I needed to talk to other people who had been through it.

    • Anne-Marie says:

      Lou – you also need to tell the police – I can’t believe I didn’t say this in my first post. This man could still be teaching and could still be abusing children.
      (Unlikely to still be teaching, but likely to still be abusing children).

  15. AnonHusband says:

    My wife was sexual abused by her father & her uncle. She was also raped during high school by several boys. When we first got together we would have sex but now 18 years later she doesn’t want sex. We haven’t had sex for 7 or 8 years now. She masturbates her clit but doesn’t like penetration. Back when we did have sex she had issues with penetration & I could only penetrate her for a short while before she couldn’t handle it & I would have to stop. This issue has had a drastic effect on our sex life of course but it has also colored our non-sex life too. Sex, intimacy is a very important part of a relationship & without it our relationship is dying. We don’t know what to do. We need some kind of help but we have no clue on what help to get or where to get it. We can’t go on like this.

    • Aaron says:

      does she please you orally or in any other way? Has she completely given up on sex all together or is it she just doesn’t like you penetrating her. Have you suggested or tried having another female in the room with you? Or try swinging or swapping partners, and have a deal that they don’t have intercourse with her, but you can penetrate the other woman? I know what you mean about good sex being very important. And she should know that you need to be pleased also and hopefully you can strike up a deal where you’re both happy, safe, and fulfilled . My last partner and I didn’t have a real emotional connection so it was just plain jane. So we would find couples and swap partners, sometimes in the same room, sometimes in separate rooms. It made us stronger sexually because though we wouldn’t discuss too many details about what each one did. We were both sexually liberated in a way with the other person and do things we couldn’t do with each other. We both learned new tricks and that all really exploded our sex life together. It’s not for everyone, but as long as it’s strictly about the sex, and no emotions, then I think it’s healthy. Find a few different couples to engage in. She would even watch me with another girl. I couldn’t watch her with another guy though but wasn’t opposed to one joining us together. There’s lots of options to get passed her issue with herself, you just have to both be open minded, about trying new things and willing to make any necessary sacrifices to keep your love life and relationship going!

  16. Anne-Marie says:

    You need to get help from a sex therapist and fast! The last thing your wife needs is your relationship to break down.

  17. Lynn says:

    I was abused from the age of 10 till 18 by my sisters parter when I was 10 he was 19 my family don’t know this I’m now 40 and he’s dead I started a relationship about 8 months ago and im finding sex so difficult I feel like he pushes me into it but he’s not being bad I know he has need I just don’t know if I will ever be able to have a sexual relationship with him and I can feel myself pulling away even though I know I love him I need help

  18. Tiffany says:

    I read this page and all I could do is cry. For so long I had no idea why I couldn’t be with anyone longer than a couple months and didn’t understand what was wrong with me. My mom’s bf sexually abused me when I was very young. I told her, the next day he was gone, and the abuse was never brought up again throughout the rest of my life.

    Over a decade later, I’m now 23 and I still have very clear issues, but how do I “heal?” I can’t afford therapy and don’t know what to do. I have a boyfriend now who has been my longest relationship (9 months). I love him so much, but never feel the urge to have sex. He blames himself for my disinterest in sex and sometimes when I do make myself have sex, I feel like he is my abuser all over again. I want to have normal sexual urges. I just want to be normal. I’ve felt like there was something off within myself for a very long time and all I’ve ever wanted was to be normal or at least feel right again. Someone, please help me. Tell me how to heal. My heart has been breaking for so long..

    • HAVOCA says:

      I’m sorry for your pain but I’m glad you’ve found us. Healing is a very unique journey. We recommend you read every page on this website, making notes in a journal as you go. These will form the bedrock for any work you feel you need to do.

      There are alternatives to professional help so if you can’t find any thing affordable in our therapy section then perhaps look at joining our forums, searching for a local support group or visiting our resources page for self help.

      Help is out there, there is hope. Just hang on in there

    • Stephanie says:

      Reading your comment made me feel like I was reading about myself . I also was abused by my mom’s boyfriend when I was little (i was around 3/4). It only happened once and when I told my mom she almost killed him and he left the same day. I’m also 23 like you. I literally have those thoughts all the time too, i just want to be normal. I’ve had boyfriends in the past but they have never lasted more than a few months. I have a fear of staring relationships because I know they’ll lead to us eventually having sex. I’m a virgin and I feel like people around me think it’s weird because they don’t know. I just can’t have sex I literally freak out over the thought of being intimate with someone. I hate that this happened to me. It sucks.

      • Chuka says:

        I feel the exact same way too. I was sexually abused by my father when I was 3 years old. Back then I didn’t remember, until recently last year. I had a mental breakdown and I started hallucinating and recalled the memory. I start to look of how my life was, and I realized that I wasn’t interested at all in sex during my teenage years and somehow felt weird. It did had a bad effect, but I didn’t thought it would have been so bad. Not so long ago, I had a date with this sweet guy. We were holding hands, hugging and kissing. After, out of the blue I had a flashback. I started feeling that someone was penetrating me. It felt so bad. Shortly, few days later I took an overdose on my meds due to this and having depression as well. But now, I have been attending therapy and feeling somewhat better

  19. Sade says:

    A part of me feels this is the explanation to what is wrong with me. I’ve read this page over and over again. I was sexually abused as a child for year years…don’t know when it started but I ended it when I started getting aware that it was wrong even though I didn’t fully understand. I was maybe 9 or 10.
    Now in my marriage. Sex is extremely difficult. It’s a struggle. I just simply hate it sometimes. I try and push to be what I’m supposed to be. It’s so frustrating. It’s actually a long sad confused story but sex is mostly still something I would rather avoid all together. It’s not just sex though. I don’t even easily feel things deeply. I might feel it much later after the event or not just even be aware. There are just lots of things.
    Reading this now though, I’m thinking this might be it. All this struggle might just be that I’m suffering from the effects of the abuse. We just assume that it’s done and forgotten but this might just be it.
    There are such therapists here though.I

  20. Sade says:

    Don’t know what to do from here…what next?

    • HAVOCA says:

      It depends where ‘here’ is? There are several ways to proceed; self-help, information, therapy, our forums, groups and organisations. This website is dedicated to each area so you should be able to find what you are looking for. Alternatively drop us an email

  21. Loisita Rodriguez says:

    After being abused by my mother and some of her boy friends I decided to kill myself. I was 10 years old. My mom convinced everyone that I was a troubled girl that always lied about everything. She signed me into a mental hospital were I was placed in with the adults and kept locked away in a room alone for my safety. When they let me go I went back to my mothers house. Nothing had changed except my mom being madder at me. I met the man that would end up taking me soon after getting home. I was now eleven years old and he was nineteen. My mom and he struck up a deal, I would stay with him and he would always help my mother with money. That was the beginning of the real abuse for me. He started with taking pictures and then one night three months after I was living with him he took me to a room in a run down hotel and had me shower and change into a pink nightgown. I remember being so scared…I sat on the window sill with my knees bent under my chin and looked out at a brick wall. He came to me and told me not to be scared, that he would never hurt me. I remember him laying me on the bed and I remember waking up in pain but I don’t remember what happened or what he did to me… That was my introduction to his sick and twisted world…I am not able to have normal human contact. I am afraid to leave my home and have to deal with people so I spend my days home alone going out only when I need food. I have been trying to heal but it’s tough.

    • James Mannion. says:

      I am so sorry too hear that my heart goes out too you. I know exactly what you have been through and ignore anybody who asks you too forgive the animal who stole your childhood. Let hate be your motivation let the righteous indignation at this awful atrocity perpetrated against you drive you to find the strength too forge a good life for yourself. Let the just hatred of your mother (although the term mother seems a travesty when applied to a person I would not trust with a cat) force you too no longer be anybodies victim. If you feel low remember you are not alone people every day make a life after the most important part of our childhood is stolen from us. Every smile, every laugh, every happy and good thought that Im sure is in your head is a victory against your tormentors.

  22. jay says:

    Abused by an older male in his twenties when i was 12 to 15 on a regular basis (we shared a bedroom). My parents were violent alcoholics so this man provided safer/caring with sex as being his return for money and effort. Over the next 40 years I have not been able to have love and sex together. Have needed to find from time to time a similar man to repeat the acts so to speak. As if I was imprinted with the routine during those formative years and cannot break the cycle. Low self esteem and secrecy from a female partner. Have been a workaholic with suicidal thoughts for being unfaithful. Can be caring and do what people think is high caring but not loving nor ever experiencing that. Psychologist says PTSD – given the abusive and unstable environment. But no course of action to deal with it. Feel condemned to a living hell.

  23. James Mannion. says:

    I was sexually abused as a child by my older brother for four years. The effect it had upon me was and still continues too be devastating. I feel worthless and conduct unsafe promiscuous behaviour in order too feel validated or wanted by anybody even if they are just using me for sex. Every time I look in the mirror I dont see a man I see his victim. They say time heals all wounds “They” don’t know what they are talking about. If your going to honest about sexual abuse talk too a counsellor or law enforcement officer. Dont make the mistake I made of thinking your families will love you no matter what. Its a lie end the abuse and lets castrate, incarcerate and purge every trace of these monstrous childhood thieves.

    • socalguy says:

      Hi James. When I read your comment it made me reply for my first time. We can get through this stuff. And live happy lives. I too went the family route thinking they would give me sympathy and companionship. I’m a 40yr old male that was so confused on life. I started smoking crack in 8th grade and abusing my body with unsafe sex and dangerous acts all through high school. Ending up in jail and rehabs for a good 4 yrs in my twenties. Finally started to live and heal then at age 37 I had vivid visions, smells, tastes, like I was there. Of either my Aunt or my Mom sitting her naked body on my face as an infant. I can’t make out the face exactly, they look like twins. For the past few years I’ve been screaming and angry and want the truth. Everyone acts like they knew, but me. My whole family dodges me now, cause they just want to forget about it. I can’t. I try. My whole life is coming together like a puzzle. it all makes sense now. I feel the same way James about the anger and violence that goes through the mind. I’m a sensitive person, so this is extremely hard on me and my girlfriend. How do we let the pain go?

  24. Pasha says:

    The depth of insights in this article woven together with the personal survivor narratives have unified the undulating spectrum of emotions that I have felt, but have never been able to coherently articulate. Through these mosaics of strong survivors of sexual abuse telling their stories and speaking their truths in response to the mind, body, and spirit disharmony that this article profoundly illustrates and communicates from a compassionate and professional nature, I feel that I can begin to be present and hopeful in working towards having a healthy and positive conception and desire towards my own future intimacies. I was raped by my summer camp counselor when I was 12. This was my first sexual experience and was right around when I was discovering that I was gay, and in turn, solidified a tolerance and a subconscious sense of deserving of this abuse throughout the majority of my young adult life because I already felt so alien. I carried this secret with me for the rest of my adolescence, because I felt so guilty, ashamed, and confused. I couldn’t ever make sense of it all because it was never my fault, yet I somehow convinced my twelve-year old self that it was.The promiscuity, detachment during sex, and seeking validation through impersonal sexual situations resonate really strongly with my own journey. I attracted poisonous and manipulative mentally ill individuals with inexcusable behaviors. I was then date raped when I was 19. Reflecting about it all I cannot rationalize how I ended up being in a relationship with this person afterwards and couldn’t ever say no when they wanted to penetrate me. My body never felt like my own and I did not know how claim it, especially to someone who was so aggressive, forceful, and frightening. It reached an unfathomable level of darkness that my only way out was to drop out of college and move away to rebuild my life the way I wanted to. And I did, I recently just graduated with a BA and am now on to more school, yay! I have begun to truly find myself because something like this can strip away all of who you thought you were and use to be. Soon to be 24, I feel that I’ve done so much, too much on my own to find growth and understanding with self forgiveness and self love these past twelve years. What this article has shown me is that I feel that I have learned all that I can on my own and i’m ready to find support and even community centered on surviving sexual abuse. I want every survivor and reader of this article to know that you are so very strong and ever deserving of love, intimacy, and connections on your own terms. Thank you for having this space to share understanding, wisdom, and compassion.

  25. Josh says:

    I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years and we have 3 children together. I’ve known since the beginning of our relationship that she had been sexually abused by her father from the time she could remember until she was 7. I know that as a teen and young adult she was very permiscuous. With the recent death of her estranged father she has started the process of going to therapy and talking about what happened to her. In doing so she has started to question whether or not she might be gay. She says to me that it’s not a sexual thing though. She says that she wants everything between us to stay the same. Minus the sex maybe? I guess I just don’t know what to feel. How can I process this. I realize that I haven’t had to experience that kind of trauma and have no idea what she’s going through, but what do I do?

    • Netty says:

      Hi Josh, I also went through a stage of wondering if I might be gay. I think part of healthy sexual development is learning what/who you are interested in and most people probably experiment either in real life or in their fantasies when they are teenagers. When you’ve been abused, this process can get de-railed. Personally, it never even occurred to me that I should have a view point on it! Sex was something to be performed for whoever wanted it (no right to say no) and didn’t involve any pleasure or volition. This obviously led to further abuse and even consensual sex felt abusive. It is only now I am much older and happily married that I am starting to heal and can consider whether I want sex and what sort. Women appealed to me because they were a limited part of my past experience and I imagined sex would be more mutual, and I would feel more equal. (I’m old enough to have heard a lot about how females should be obedient, pleasing and nice which also factored into the sexual abuse). I’m not actually gay at all, but since I had no idea what my preferences actually were, I had to consider it to rule it out. Maybe your wife is just now going through this developmental stage too? I hope this perspective helps, all the best.

  26. Robert says:

    I have a girlfriend Of 2 months and she told me what happened to her as a child.
    In the beginning Of our relationship she really was the one that initiated sex/cuddling, but as of late she don’t want to do either.

    In her previous realationships she said the guys she dated usually gave up on her a couple of months in because of her issues (she can get really emotionally detached randomly for no reason sometimes).

    I guess this has made her not able to “heal sexually”, as described in the text.

    This is really taking a toll on me as I’m that kind of person that’s shows most of my affection through physical touches, but I really want to help her and I do love her, even though this most likely will be hard.

    She does not want to go to a therapist yet as she lives at home and she does not want her parents to find out and she gets mad evrytime I mention seeing a therapist.

    So my question is simply, how can I help her now? Until she is ready to see a therapist if I can’t help her enough to heal.

    I’m gonna try to take a step back and let her do the initiating but this is hard as she does almost never want to do anything and as we only see each other on the weekends I almost always want to cuddle and more.

    • ravi kumawat says:

      Hi Robert, I am going through the exact same situation right now. I want to help my girlfriend. What should I do? Did u find a way which worked?

  27. ban says:

    Hi…I wanted to to thank you for the article, it made me feel somewhat understood and I bet many would feel the same. You see… I was sexually abused by my father at the age of 8 through 9 he later turned himself in… At the age of 10 my mom had found another lover who also abused me for 8 years I tried resisting him for all those years, but since my mom had no idea of what was going on she blamed me for not getting along with him.
    He later got found out, but “apologized” so somehow he’s still involved with my family I can’t understand how people can just accept it and I feel as though I have no say in it.
    I’m now 23 and after a year with my psychologist this year was finally able to open up at least a little even. The real problem now is that my mom is sending me off to get married to one of my friends…ha ha seriously!? ts so frustrating every time I try to deny the marriage she tries to convince me otherwise and I’m just scared of disappointing her after everything I put her through so can’t help but do as she says.
    Oh god I don’t wanna get married I always hated the thought of it and the expectations that come with it I wouldn’t be able to get intimate with him and he wouldn’t understand why cause I’d never be able to tell him. I feel like id end up hurting him just to push him away, I’m really scared I don’t want to belong to anyone specially someone that I didn’t choose for myself.
    I told him that I didn’t love ( never loved anyone that way really) and he just said that he’d teach me how to love… And everyone I talk about it to says that maybe id learn how to love him through time…man whatever I’m just ranting now I feel really hopeless I just don’t know what to do…

    Well for anyone reading this ,thank you for taking the time
    And sorry heh.

  28. Bethany says:

    Hi
    I was sexually abused for 2 years when i was 8 and i think it might be having a detrimental effect on my relationship with my boyfriend just now. Im constantly worried that hes going to leave me and hes the closest person i have in my life at the moment but i can feel myself pushing him away. We dont have sex as much anymore and when we do i always end up feeling like its an obligation which i hate because he knows and we stop immediately but then i just feel like a failure because he wasn’t satisfied. Hes not a bad guy, he always reassures me and tells me that he understands. On the occasions where we do successfully have sex, i always lapse into a panic-attack-like state afterwards, hyperventilating, tense, racing heart & thoughts etc and im not sure why because i enjoy sex with him but i cant stand it when he goes to cuddle me afterwards.
    Is there something wrong with me?

  29. Candace Fredrick says:

    I was abused for 8 years by 2 people. Tortured, sexually abused, physically. I’ve disassociated myself from reality I am 20 years old now and I don’t desire sex in any way shape or form. I act like I’m 12 still I feel as I haven’t grown up mentally because of what happened to me. I was in counseling for 6 years doing EMDR I went to foster care jouvie and mental hospitals because I was so afraid of my past that I didn’t really want to face or even look at….. I spend my days playing video games in my alternate reality that I am able to control. It is my only coping skill that has ever worked. I refuse to leave the house I don’t like talking to people unless it’s my family… Sometimes even that is hard to deal with.. I constantly have panic attacks and flash backs and I get completely paralyzed head to toe with fear and it can last hours or minutes. I don’t hate my life I just don’t feel the need to participate in it.

  30. Tom says:

    Good day. I was not abused or molested when I was young. My wife was thou, from the age of 4 going till she was almost 7. She do not want to talk to much about it. The only details I have that it was a good friend of the family who passed away before we meet. Her mother new about the whole thing and never did a thing about it, she told my wige that if her father knew he will kill the man and her oldest brother at that time was in the force and would of caused the guy to go to jail. You will not helieve that neither one of them will talk to each other about the incident. They see each other almost every day. I leave it, but it makes my blood boil. All tgis seems to place a huge strain on our sex live. I’m very sexual and will like to be intimate more often then what we are currently. I tild her to speak to someone she can open upto, but she will not. I know it took a grate deal from ger to confound in me, but I feel she need to brake the shell completely open so the healing can begin. After almost 11 years I feel that I might br reaching out looking for love in other places, but will not let my self to go to that ekstream. I love her to much and see and feel her pain, because her pain is my pain. But she have to start the heeling so she can start to live her life. Thank you for listening to my side. Tom

  31. mika says:

    I was raped by my cousin when i was 3. Im a female. I end up thinking about sex and how it feels like since then and I hate it because i feel unclean and since im living in a religious family, i feel like a sinner. Now im 19 and i have a bf and i always want to have sex with him. Is this normal?

  32. Anony says:

    This is such a difficult legacy of abuse. I was sexually abused by a violent and scary stepfather from 7-11yrs, while being an only child living with mentally ill, alcoholic, neglectful mother. Despite this I went on to have a successful career, gain a Ph.D, be married for 30 yrs and bring up 3 wonderful healthy children; to the outside world everything looked great..but…inside I’m constantly depressed and anxious, I just can’t seem to heal the sexual issues despite counselling. I panicked/dissociated or tried desperately to ‘fake’ it during my marriage and eventually my husband left because I couldn’t ‘meet his sexual needs.’ He never understood what it cost me trying so hard over all those years and that I tried so hard precisely because I loved him. I failed and its cost me my husband, home, and future I hoped for. I tried again in a new relationship but it’s happening again and I can’t expect him to put up with a sexless relationship so he will leave too. I feel the abuse has condemned me to a lonely isolated life and now children are grown up I have nothing. It is devastating to be unable to feel love and intimacy that everyone else takes for granted, I feel worthless and less than human.

  33. Lisa Jensen says:

    I was abused from the age of 2 until 14 by 2 fault members. My husband and I started our relationship with a healthy sex life. We have two children. A 13 year old and an 8 year old. I haven’t been interested in sec for almost 3 years. Understandably my husband is frustrated and annoyed. I have no interest and when he tries I have to shut it down quickly. This leads to arguments and threats. What do I do?

  34. Donna Tilton says:

    My nightmare began the day my mother brought John home. I have stopped calling this man stepfather because he lost that title from the beginning. I am one of three girls from my mothers first marriage. Me and my sisters are one year apart. John began with physical abuse when I was around 3 years old. He would fill a tub of cold water and set all three of us in the tub. Then he would continuously dunk us under the water. He would make us drink raw eggs with hot sauce every morning. He would beat us and stand us in corners with our arms straight up in the air and our heads had to point up to where we were looking at the ceiling. It was nothing for our to stand in the corner from morning till night and at times, depending on our ‘crime’ we would continue this for a week. When my mother went into the hospital to have my sister ‘his child’ the sexual abuse began. first touching and oral sex. I was nine and my sister was eight. As far as I know he never touched our younger sister sexually. Not that he had to, the physical abuse was bad enough. When I was around ten years old is when he raped me. I will never forget my mother finally catching him in the act, only to beat the crap out of me saying I was trying to steal her man. She finally turned a blind eye on his activities. There was one time he attempted to use a toy and I would not listen to him. I refused to open my legs. He grabbed one of his dress shoes and beat me in the head. I felt the heat on my head and realized there was blood running down my face. (To this day i have a lump on my head.) I also want to add that John had a friend who also was named John that was sexually molesting me and my sister. When I was eleven John gained more friends and would collect money for them to have sex with me and my sister. Another thing they would like to do is while drinking in the garage they would make me and my sister try on different panties and bras and parade in front of them. Also, John would make me and my sister fight, and the guys would bet money on who was going to win. If we did not seem to be hitting each other the way he wanted, he would beat us. When I was twelve, I was sold to one of John’s friends who needed a green card. I was to be signed off as 16, and married. Although, one of my mothers family members caught wind of this and called the courthouse telling them I was only 12. After a road trip to Chicago with this man, we were picked up on the way back to Decatur, and I was taken into the custody of the state. John died several months after this from liver cancer. Recently, I found the article where they published my name on the front page of the paper. Herald and Review September 1985 front page. Needless to say it did not make me famous in a positive manner. Also, there are several things I would like the world to know. First, DCFS was out to our house on several occasions but always closed the case as unfounded. (Failure from the State). Second, Family members later told me that they always felt something was going on but they did not feel it was their place to intervene. ( Failure from family). Finally, my father was not in our lives due to his new family. I found out after his death that he was also a disgusting rapist. (failure on the one man I thought I could count on). I want to add that I forgave my mother. I witnessed the beatings she received and I realized that she was the adult version of us. Although, when I had my children I protected them. I would have killed for my kids, and I was not afraid to let people know this. The cycle is broke and I feel my children are healthy.

  35. hurtbae says:

    i was molested many times by my step father growing up, i never spoke about it with anyone, and i never thought about it much growing up, but now that I’m in my 20’s and in a serious relationship, i can’t seem to cope sexually or emotionally, i always try to avoid sex and this frustrates my partner, he’s the only person i told about the abuse but i think his need for sex makes him not very understanding, when we started dating we had sex all the time but now i don’t even want him to hug me. i sometimes get a feeling of disgust if he touch me in certain areas because i remember very clearly the way my abuser use to touch me in those ways and it makes me panic, I’m also very frustrated with myself because i don’t want it to be this way, i do like sex but I’m never in the mood and i don’t make any sexual advances, i prefer to masturbate actually. i try to for him but he also notices that I’m not into it unless I’ve been drinking a lot, i really don’t know what to do.

  36. Ti says:

    Hi, I was abused over several years in my early childhood (2-11 yr) by my older cousins, male and female. I seemed to have coped pretty well with the whole situation and I do enjoy sex but almost every time afterwards I am filled with crippling self hatred and I feel physically sick sometimes. There are also periods of time that can last months where i’m sexually repulsed but then it balances out again. I’m a 19 year old girl and I just want to know how I can help this. It’s really debilitating for myself and my partner as well.

  37. Randi says:

    As I was reading posts, my heart goes out to you all and I feel your pain, but i have had a very opposite response to my abuse. I didn’t want to share my story here, but after realizing all of your posts tend to respond to your abuse with withdrawal from sex or intimacy and no one seemed to have problems with memory and accepting the reality of being abused, I thought maybe it would help someone to share, maybe you can feel more “normal” if you know you respond to abuse as I have. I am 34. I have very limited memory of my childhood and zero visual memory of abusive acts done to me. I have always guessed that I was probably abused from my behaviors as a child, teen, and adult and my step-sister had actually tried to tell me once as adults that we had been abused- saying to me that her uncle sexually abused her and then told her “now go get the pretty one” and she said she thoight this was me. I immediately felt recognition with what she said, but ignored the comment, I think I said something like “wow, that’s crazy” and changed the subject. I felt that I had no memories for a reason and if I wasn’t having problems, why rehash them. I didn’t realize at the time, I had sexual problems my entire life from this and they would change over time, some getting better and some new and more disturbing. I spent my childhood over sexual. It’s funny, I cannot remember my early childhood during the abuse, but I remember the after behaviors of constant sexual desire, masturbation, “sexual play” with other children. There wasn’t anything upon “losing my virginity” that I found new, foreign, or intimidating. This was the only way I knew how to relate to men and I was proud of my sexual “powers”. I knew exactly what to do and I was obsessed with sex. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I used sex in an attempt to get love or attention from my boyfriends. One boyfriend in high school even broke up with me because he said all I ever wanted to do was have sex and he felt like we didn’t have an actual relationship outside of this. Looking back, I don’t feel i found self esteem outside of sexual performance. I married physically or emotionally abusive men and my relationships always failed. I lusted after almost any man I found remotely physically or emotionally attractive. As I got older, I gained more control over lust once I recognized unhealthy behaviors that I wanted to change. I was so thankful when I married again, my sex drive seemed to become normal and I was satisfied with my husband. Unfortunately after a few years of marriage, I could no longer get sexually aroused or orgasm without fantasizing that my husband was my step-father and was abusing me, and I would imagine very disturbing phrases he would say to me that would excite me, like “tell daddy you love him” or “you like that, don’t you, tell daddy how much you like it”. I felt extremely disturbed by this during and afterwards felt very guilty. I am afraid of having sex with my husband now, because I know this will happen. And hiding this from him causes great anxiety and makes me feel like a pervert, but I am afraid to ruin what he feels is a healthy sexual relationship with me or disgust him. A part of me is even afraid he will like it and I will start to feel abused by him when we have sex. I have finally put so many clues together, my random hate and disgust for my ex-step dad and his brother, limited memories until my mother’s divorce from him and zero memory of his brother living with is for a year or of him at all except one 10 sec. blip in which he was eating disgusting looking yogurt and I watched him thinking of how much I hate and disgust him, and then the start of overly sexual behaviors when they were gone, attempted suicide at 14 for no reason that I could pinpoint and that I hid from everone, inappropriate sexual fantasies or no orgasms, insane amounts of guilt and hurt without being able to place it, my step-sister’s hinting, over protection and unfounded fears that someone will abuse my children, especially my daughter, if I let them out of my sight, my mother’s past comments about how my step dad and his brothers used to rape their sisters when they were teens. It wasn’t until it all came together this year that I realized how much hurt and damage to relationships I was causing by continuing to repress my sexual abuse. I randomly stopped talking to my biological father this year and ignored his calls. I had a hard time connecting with him despite his attempts growing up and I feel I intentionally avoid him now because I blame him for not being there to protect me, for divorcing my mom and being the reason this step dad was ever in the picture (which I see are not logical placing of blame and it actually helps to reassign that anger to where it belongs and deal with it). Now that I have started digging just recently, I wonder if and who in my family knew and why they didn’t help me. I wonder if my mom sent me to stay with my dad for a year and divorced my step dad that year because she found out. I wonder why, if so, she doesn’t say anything to me about my lack of memory of abuse, why she didn’t recognize or address all of the signs of sexual dysfunction I displayed as a child and teen. I’m mad at her for not being a good mom, for not restricting my behaviors, discussing anything, or getting therapy for me. And again, there is doubt and confusion. Did she know? Did it even happen? If so, was it even my step dad? And then I remember a time about 15 years after their divorce that my step dad attempted to initiate contact with me via im, when I was still supposedly oblivious to sexual abuse in my childhood, and my first thought was “how evil and disgusting, he wants to have a sexual relationship with me me again”, like I had known it all along. And not any part of me was like “hey, why the heck would you say something like that?”. It was like a hurt and vulnerable child inside me tried to speak up, and an adult (my active self) was negligent enough not to even observe the comment and get her help. Please know if you have signs and symptoms of sexual abuse in yourself or you see in someone in your life- don’t ignore it and hope it wil go away! Even if it’s just a feeling that something may have happened to you or someone else. Speak up, do something about it! Keep trying new ways to understand it, to talk it over, to heal until you begin to see positive changes. Even typing this, I have learned more about the affects of my abuse on me and how to work through them. Share your story here as a start. I have reached out to my dad to attempt to explain a little about the barriers to our relationship, and to my ex sister-in law to research and maybe get healing for us both by going through this together. You are not alone in this. You may not have had siblings tortured as you were, but I am right there with you and I feel your pain and isolation, your humiliation, confusion, and guilt. God bless you all and I pray for your healing!

  38. Heather says:

    Wow…I grew up with an older brother whose sexual abuse was always scary, painful and humiliating. In some ways, I think I am lucky because there were no mixed feelings. Thank you to everyone who posted here. I am 55 and my offender died last winter. For the first time I was the only person alive who knew what happened. I had been taken by social workers as a teen but my mother insisted I was a liar, having a lot of the over-sexual tendencies I have read in the comments. Nobody ever asked me directly what happened.

    I started EMDR treatments a few months ago and think it might be how I finally gathered enough courage to confront my parents. There have been so many things in my life that were made worse by their failure to protect me when I tried to advocate for myself. The conversation was unpleasant and ended very badly with my father unsure if he ever wants to talk to me again and my mother furious that I would dare to keep this lie alive after her beloved son passed (a very painful cancer death, thank you God).

    My third husband (first two were toxic, one baby each) has been a rock star though this all. We have had our share of challenges and my sexually demanding conduct has included some pretty unconventional acts. He has been a good sport, non-judgemental and loved me through it all. I had two kids when we met and we had three more together who are all grown now. I have been the best mother I could, earned a graduate degree, held a professional job and the death of my offender brought down the curtain.

    I spend days alone in my bed, cannot work, try to be involved in my kids lives but don’t really care about them right now, can’t read or motivate myself to do much of anything. It’s been months since I washed my long hair and I might brush it once every couple of weeks. I avoid bathing and would probably get sick if I wasn’t so careful to spot wash the trouble areas. I have no desire for sex at all,l which is way out of my regular state. I started writing a book about something else but it morphed into my survivor story.

    Actually I am one of the extreme cases, like many described here. The worst part was not being believed. It is still the worst part. My mother has my schizophrenic daughter living with them now and turned her completely against me. She did a good job on my oldest son for a few years but he as come around lately and I think she will too with time. She really hates me.

    I don’t have a point. Sometimes it is just helpful to know there are others out there.

  39. Nikki says:

    hey i was molested at the age of 10 by a stranger but never spoke about it to anyone until now when I started to suffer panic attacks. the thing is after finally spoke out i did feel a little better and my condition got a little better but i again started to suffer from inside i provoked people so that they would hit me and abuse me. I don’t know why this is happening i thought that after i would tell everyone what had happened it will get better but everything is only getting worse

  40. Charl says:

    I have a lot of trouble with intimacy I’ve only had a couple of sexual experiences in my adulthood and only ever had one relationship that lasted a few months. I’ve always thought there was something wrong and I’m starting to realise it is from my abuse. It started when i was really young, maybe 5, by my oldest brother and I couldn’t say anything for a long time because I didn’t know how to express it and then when I was a bit older it happened again this time by my oldest cousin. I told my mum and basically my dad never believed me, took my brothers side and so that split up the family and he took my other brother with him too and same when I told her about my cousin, my nan never believed me. Years later my mum told me about when I was toddler age and used to say things that suggested my dad had as well. Because I was so young and it was so traumatic I’ve blocked a lot of things out and now I feel a gap in my brain and don’t know if I’ll ever be right.

  41. Cooper says:

    I walked into a room one time and saw my uncle molesting my sister. I was about 6 or 8 years old… she was 10 or 12 and was crying when I came upon them. Thinking my sister was in great pain, I ran away and tried calling on the phone for help. The phone didn’t work. My uncle came after me, and I ran again. Eventually he caught me and tried to convince me he wasn’t hurting my sister and that what he was doing felt good. He stuck his hand down my pants to demonstrate the feeling. It was a horrible experience that I blocked for many years.

    Our mother said it didn’t happen and that we were to blame anyway for being in a place we didn’t belong. Now, 50 years later, I still live with guilt and the belief that no one takes me seriously. I’ve never been able to sustain a long term relationship and avoid sex. It’s time to heal.

  42. Anon says:

    I was nine when it started. To this day I have no clue who would come in and hurt me. I have had bad vision all my life.i had to stay at my Pawpaw’s from age nine to age twelve or thirteen. The person would come in when I would be laying in bed trying to sleep and at that time I went through a bad phase of not wearing my glasses. All I saw was this blurry person sneaking into my room. The person would shh me and tell that he’d hurt my brothers if I told or screamed. This went on until my mom took us kids back from Pawpaw when I was 12-13. I’m engaged and going to therapy now but it’s still hard to find sex or anything of sexual nature pleasurable and nice. Yes I do find pleasure but it’s almost always associated with dirty or gross and I have to shower immediately afterwards.

  43. Tina says:

    I was 4 or 5 years of age when I was sexually abused by a person who used to know my family actually was son of the owner the house where we used to live as tenants. My mom used to visit a lot at there place taking me with her. The person would make me sit in his lap and used to touch me inappropriately. I started resisting sitting on his lap but he used to make sure that I do. I never told anybody about this until I got married and told my husband. It has affected me a lot emotionally. What I now remember is that made me so mad that for some time I used to abuse my brother for sometime may be as a mechanism that what happened to me should also happened to him. But the problem is it twisted me sexually. I am filled with guilt shame and disgust that I have problem maintaining healthy sexual relationship with my husband.

  44. Anon says:

    I was sexually abused by my stepfather for so many years . I am now in mid teens and he still continued , I don’t remember when it first started. I have spoken up but my mother doesn’t seem to take it very serious bc she puts a stop to it and just forgives him. I’ve been depressed as long as I can remember and sometimes it gets really bad. What bothers me now is that I tried for months to be sexually active with my boyfriend but I just couldn’t. My vagina muscles would tighten so much that he wasn’t able to penetrate. We have worked that out and now I am able to smoothly have sex. But now my problem is that I do not feel any pleasure . I can feel the pressure and I can feel myself wet , I can even feel him movingly inside of me but I just don’t seem to feel pleasure . I fake the moans and everything bc I do not want my boyfriend to feel bad or something . I really desire sex and I just feel so bad that I am missing out on all the pleasure. I don’t know if there’s a way around that ?

  45. AB says:

    My wife was abused by her father, her first memory was his finger inside of her and ended around the time we started dating in high school with a final rape because he was tired of her giving it to all those boys and he was going to give it to her good.
    I knew something was wrong and she told me once he tried to touch her and she kicked him and told him no so he stopped and never did it again- took her 36 years to tell me! I had a feeling she was lying along with her sisters but could never prove it! Now 36 years later after I found out I realized my daughter stayed in this mans house for extended periods of time unsupervised and I am afraid of what has happened to her! My wife says she is going to talk to her but will not, now I have a granddaughter who has not been put in that situation yet but she will not talk to my son to ensure she is safe! I am going to destroy her soul when I do it but I have no choice, I cannot live with myself if she is molested as well so I have to protect and she is adamant that I do not, says it is her responsibility!
    In the 2nd year we were married she gave me a sexually transmitted disease, blamed it on me, and said she forgives me- I didn’t cheat-so she tried to convince me I got it off a toilet seat! Unaware to her the person she was cheating with was calling me to tell me in the age of no caller ID or star69! Still would not confess! Caught her red handed several times over the next 5 years and she would look me dead in the eyes and say it wasn’t me- I just watched u have sex with that cop in his car and get out of the backseat and looked u in the eyes and u say it wasn’t me? Yep wasn’t me, I didn’t do it! Took her 32 years to admit it, didn’t want to hurt me- I gained 260 lbs in the process- told her repeatedly I knew, I saw it- wasn’t me! Took her about 30 years to quit telling me something was wrong with me for accusing her to telling me it didn’t matter now, let’s just live in the present, which was the closet thing I got to an apology during that 30 year span! Finally had a heart attack and she felt guilty enough to confess because I told her I would rather be dead than hear another lie again. Tells me how bad she feels, it wasn’t me it was her, but will not protect her kids or grandkids! I am at a loss! I love her with all my heart and I stayed because I knew she needed me- became the least jealous husband ever which seemed to make her mad- I just ate to get over the hurt and to make myself fat so when she did what she did I could say I am fat so I don’t blame her! She destroyed all my confidence and killed my heart but I never became mean to her, never cheated-was not a bad looking guy and had several offers but could not do it, I just loved her more so I could be there when she needed help, now I realize she does not want help just wants her secret back and it kills my soul all over again! What do I do???

  46. Exts says:

    I am in my mid 20s never realized that abuse effected me so heavily. I always wondered why I felt a disconnection to the world. I never really felt like whole person. I always feared sex and what came with it and letting my guard down. I have had a shadowed view on my own sexual orientation my whole life. After finally telling my wife what happened to me, I feel like there is a chance in recovery. But every day is so hard. After everything I do is a snap back to reality and the thought “oh this is real life, that really did happen” I hope I can make it down this road to recovery cause living like this is an incredibly difficult. I’m in the process of finding a physiologist to help with these issues

  47. Chris says:

    This really help me understand who I am and why I am.

  48. Hi all, I was sexually abused by a neighbor kid when I was 7 and 8 years old. I have never had any sense of my own body or sexuality. I have never enjoyed sex and I go into an utter and complete panic if it looks like sex might happen. I can’t stand even the thought of anyone touching me in any way ‘down there.’ This makes me extremely sad, like I’m missing out on an intrinsic part of being human. When I was younger I thought I’d grow out of it but I’m 42 now and I don’t expect to grow old with a partner. I never had any kids because I practically never had any sex. I avoid sexual situations. I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever.

    • scarlet says:

      Hi lillianna2015,
      It pains me to hear of your story , I am sure it must be draining for you.
      I do believe that there is someone for everyone(someone who will accept you for you). I know it might seem impossible at times. I hope you are able to heal and recover so that sex if right for you can become a part of your life however if it doesnt change its not your fault. I used to be fine having sex and now I feel simular to you about it I dont want it and I am so lucky that my boyfriend is so understanding . I do fear that I even feel sick to just be near him because of my problems. anyway enough about me. You might be 42 but thats ok. what ever you enjoy in life just do it whether that be travel, socializing,sports, watching the tv whatever it is enjoy it and your not alone.even if it feels that way. I know its easier said than done but Im in the same boat of hoping Ill be ok but fearing that I wont.

  49. pin9win says:

    I was molested by my older brother (5 years older) starting at age 8. I thought he was just paying attention to me but he didn’t stop until I was 14 and he left the house. Today, I identify as bisexual and I’m married and the father of three. My wife and I have a loving relationship but I have found that I almost never initiate sex any more. In the case of gay sex, I have never initiated sex and I feel powerless to say no.

  50. Scarlet says:

    Hi I have read some of these stories and feel almost a phony posting here but I need some answers so thought il give it a shot. I can’t remember any actual sexual abuse however my father said inappropriate things to me and I felt afraid he would rape me most of my childhood. He would have outbursts of vocal anger all the way through my childhood towards my older sister and me. I am now 25 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years (living together), at first I was wanting sex all the time. But since I started going to therapy in May this year I no longer want sex and can only link my desire for it to wanting to be desired which is linked to my dad which makes me feel sick about myself. I have no idea whether I was abused so young that I cannot remember or if my feelings of sickness just coem from the thoughts of my dad abusing me. I’m quite happy to be non sexual with my boyfriend and he has never been that sexual anyway but I still fear he might one day leave Me because I can’t have sex anymore.

  51. Cait says:

    Hi, so I was sexually abused by my step-father when I was younger and I was raped by him when I was 16. I’m now 17 and I was recently taken from him and my mother bc they’re on drugs, not the point, though. So, I’m now living with my aunt and her husband, her husband is only 10 years older than me, and I’ve been having sexual thought/feelings for him, and some that are more romantic (the romantic thoughts are usually more when I feel sick thinking about sex.) And I’m not sure if it’s because I’m truely interested in him or because I’m confused about how I’m supposed to feel towards a man in the role of a father figure for me. I need help and I can’t talk to anyone irl about it and I’m afraid if I open up to a therapist about it in person they’ll shame me for it.

    • Scarlet says:

      Hi Cait,
      I’m sorry for what you have gone through and are going through.
      It makes me angry to just read about it. I can relate to what you said about romantic feelings towards men and sexual feelings. I think it’s to do with whatever abuse we have been through and it gets very confusing for me at times, trying to identify my own sexuality and attraction when I am damaged and so much of my sexuality was based on my abuse. I had been going to therapy but my therapist made me annoyed because she didn’t have the full picture but made so many assumptions. I hope where you are staying now is safe. I’m sorry I don’t know how to help. I can talk and listen. Kind regards scarlett

    • Chris says:

      Cait, I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve gone through. You seem to have a good understanding of your predicament. The BEST thing you could do for yourself is to talk to a therapist ASAP. They will not shame you! They will give you strategies you can use to manage your feelings and develop appropriate relationships moving forward. Keep working to be aware of the impulses you have which stem from your abuse so that you are not blindly compelled by them. The practice of mindfulness is helpful in this regard, a good person to look into for learning mindfulness is Ram Dass. I recommend his book Paths to God, which helped me learn how to watch myself and manage my compulsions enough, for example, to quit smoking cigarettes when I was 22 using just mindfulness techniques. But there is no substitute, in my opinion, to a great therapist. Please do not fear this option! It can save you a tremendous amount of pain and suffering that you will regret not having done sooner, if you have the option to see a therapist but choose not to pursue it wholeheartedly. Don’t be discouraged if the first time you try it is difficult to schedule, or if your first therapist or two aren’t a perfect match for you. Once you find the right person who can treat you, it will improve your quality of life and how you feel about yourself, and empower you to make good decisions for yourself and have a better future. Good luck I hope these words reach you.

    • Hopeful says:

      Talk to a therapist

  52. Anonymous says:

    Hey, so I’ve never told anyone about this but recent situations has brought it back up in my memories and now I can’t sleep and have a lot of anxiety about it. When I was a kid “grade school age” as I can’t actually remember how old I was, a cousin who was a couple years older than me would talk me into playing these role playing games such as husband and wife for example and would talk me into him rubbing himself on me in a sexual manner clothes on or act in sexual manners. I feel a lot of confusion now not knowing if this was sexual abuse or not. I feel guilt and shame as a 30 year old adult now. Wondering why as a kid I was persuaded to “play” these games and remembering that at the time it felt wrong and I felt dread because he was going to make me play along. I have been ok all these years burying this because I haven’t seen this cousin in 13 years and didn’t have anything to do with him. Now he’s back around some family members and it’s brought this back up in my mind.

  53. Anon says:

    Anon,(I’m a male)I was sexually abused at a very young age by someone in my class and it eats me everyday to try and bury my pass.Its left me now to question my sexuality …I’m attracted to females but ever since my experience I feel like I let it happen to myself I know I’m not to blame but I blame myself for everything..being sexually abused at a young age haunts you and in my case as a teen it’s leaving me to question my sexuality because of it but typing this has given me a small since of power but until I tell my family the truth I’ll never be the happiest I once was…

  54. Becky guard says:

    What bothers me about these type of Articles is that you guys never talk about the ones that are overly sexual confused sexually willing to have sex with men and women yet hide that they want to have sex with men I mean it isn’t exactly the way any of these articles I’m reading are putting it out there I don’t have half the issues you guys say most survivors have with their loved one mind overly sexual and Confused

    • John says:

      I was abused for around 4 years by my older brother starting when i was 9, I’m in a constant battle everyday just to find a bit of happiness. When I’m around friends I always try to be the person to try and make people laugh or feel good about themselves, no one would expect this kind of thing to have happened to me whatsoever, every week I have a day where I just cry in my room. I’m 21 now and have tried to have sex with girls but I do all I can to avoid it as every time I do attempt it All I can think about is my abuse. Most my friends just assume I’m a closet gay but they have no idea. nothing seems to be getting better and there’s just no way I could ever tell anyone what has happened. I’m not sure how much longer this can go on.

  55. Sameasever says:

    So, my experiences with abuse weren’t soully sexual, as it seems with most of the people on here, with some deviations, obviously. From birth until I left at 16, just about every day of my life was filled with every kind of abuse that exists. Emotional, physical, psychological, domestic violence, neglect, sexual abuse, etc. As I said though, the sexual abuse wasn’t even, up until the past few years, what I thought had done even a small portion of the damage. The “sexual” part of the abuse, in large part, came from the way that my parents portrayed sex and what a sexual relationship is supposed to be like. Which, in my “home”, consisted of my father talking to my mother like a whore, them having sex in the middle of the day, with us present, which, much to my great disdain to write these words, as I literally cannot utter them out loud, the house smelled of dirty sex. My father was not a clean person. That alone it seems, is enough to make sex shameful, guilt-riddled, and psychological breakdown inducing. When I have sex with my husband, I have to take a shower and make sure I’m obsessively clean prior. Afterward, I never know how I’m going to feel. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I end up in the bathroom for 20 minutes, shaking and crying. The emotion that I feel when that happens, is one that I literally cannot put into words. I don’t think there is a word for it, because I don’t think it’s supposed to exist. That’s not the only time that it comes over me. Sometimes it just surfaces while I’m doing the dishes or playing with my kids. it’s something that I really thought I would get over or grow out of. The only way that I can explain the “emotion” is as a hybrid of a few very unpleasant emotions, that when combined, make you want to die. Shame, guilt, fear, and like I don’t belong here. When I say “here”, I mean here, existing. I always thought that my shitty upbringing made me stronger, not a victim. There were a couple of other contributors to the sexual part of the abuse, but, since the one was an isolated incident and the other only happened a couple of times, I thought that it couldn’t have been too damaging. That it was the long term, drawn out sexual abuse that had the real impact. I’m sure it all contributed in one way or another. I remember being so afraid, practically all the time, that I couldn’t even eat. There wasn’t much food, but even when the chance was there, I couldn’t eat. I was so scared that it permeated to my soul. I never knew if my father was going to lock us in our room where we could hear our mother scream and we’d just pray that she would be alive when the door finally opened. In the meantime, we screamed and cried and pleaded on the other side of the door. Or if he was going to point a gun at us and let us all plead for our lives for as long as he wanted to. Or actually fire a shot at my mother, which did happen once, to this day, none of us know if it was an accident, as he claims it was. Since my mother had been abused for so many years, she was completely shut off emotionally. There were no hugs, kisses, I love you’s. The only “I love you” we ever got was followed up by a slap or a punch in the head. Because my dad thought you should know and that he shouldn’t have to say it.
    Anyway, that’s history. I need to figure out how it still translates into my adult life, almost 20 years later. Like I said, I’m an incredibly strong person, but I think I’ve just about found my limit. I don’t know what kind of therapist to seek, but I need one that specializes in abuse, trauma, PTSD, you name it. Though my father was a douche during my childhood, he quit drinking when he got older and, while he was still verbally abusive to my mother, he was also the only one of the two who expressed any interest in spending any time with us. So, when he died unexpectedly, while I was 7 months pregnant for my first child, it chipped away at my pillar some more. A couple of years later, my daughter and I found my little brother dead of a drug overdose on the floor of his girlfriend’s apartment, while his two young children tried to hand his lifeless body his cellphone. Like so many others like me, I have struggled with alcohol and substance abuse off and on. I can finally say that, for now anyway, I am strong enough to keep that evil out of my life. While I don’t consider myself to be an abusive parent, I do have anger issues and can overreact. I have a hard time avoiding it, unless I remove myself completely, which is impossible with young kids. Fortunately, I can express love in a healthy way toward my children and husband, it’s what’s going on inside of myself that I cannot make sense of or even begin to understand the cause of. Mostly because there were too many things to count. I don’t remember most of my childhood and what I do remember is bad. Is it possible to dig up lost memories or forced out pain or is it gone and am I just left with the distorted pain and the memories that my brain didn’t manage to push out with the rest that obviously my brain or my heart did to protect myself. Has it been strength that I’ve had all of this time or was it simply that I thought I had disposed of the pain and replaced it with dream armor? I don’t know. Help!

  56. Brianna says:

    Hi, I was abused by my step brother for years, (female). It started when i was younger, im not sure when. But hes 3 years older than i am. It usually always started out with a game of truth or dare. But as we got older i ended up having to share a room with him and a bed and that just made things a little worse. I was 10 when that happened. And that changed from oral every now and again to almost every night and then some. I always felt so ashamed afterwards, even during, i would just lay there. This went on for years. I havent ever told anyone this in fear of it destroying my family. I use to actually get excited when things would start but not even mid way through id feel so guilty about what we were doing. Id remember staying awake just to make sure he fell asleep so he didnt wake me out of my sleep just to please him. Or having very vivid fantasies of what we had done pretty much everyday. But eventually it had stopped for lile 2 years because he had moved away and i still found myself ‘daydreaming’ of it all. We have always had a close relationship, besides allof the sexual stuff he was my favorite sibling, (im the youngest) like i always told myself i would get over it one day but i still havent. When he left it took about 2 years before i felt lile i was starting to heal but a week before my 18th birthday i went to his house and it happened again and i cant tell you how much it hurt me. I still get random anxiety/ panic attacks. I never knew what they were. I remember my first one was in bed one night because i didnt want to do anything and my body just would not stop shivering. Never once have we actually talked about it, he always just started it and then the next day we would go along like nothing happened. But after that incident i distanced myself from him for a while until it was his birthday and so i came and spent the night but slept in the living room. It was a stupid idea but i drank with him and at some point in the night he came and sat next to me and tried, but i just forced myself to ‘stay’ asleep and eventually he stopped and left. Thats the last thing thats happened between us. Itd always make me feel dirty because it wasnt ever intimate, (not sure if that would make a difference) it was always to just get him off, even if hed have a girlfriend that didnt matter to him. Im 19 now and im still very much damaged from this. Everytime i think ive grown i havent. Ive only been in 3 relationships, two of which was with the same guy and the other was a girl. Neither lasted more than a month because i dont like being touched. Im terrified kf commitment too. No, i dont want to go to the police or tell my family for my own reasons but i cant afford to go to a counselor. This has been eating away at me for more than half of my life and sometimes kts gets so bad i jus merely think of it and burst into tears. And it breaks myheart because my family thinks that our brother sister relationship is better than most others. I just feel so alone like ill never heal from this because I constantly think about it. I even do roleplays with random people online to try to mimick what has happened. And i feel so fucked up for doing that. I just feel damaged about what he did to me but then feel confused because i never really look at it like it was sexual abuse because i wanted it too.

  57. Effie says:

    I was age 9 or 10, my older brother was 14 or 15. We have 5 years between us in age. I remember him telling me to get into my underwear while he was in his, he had an errection and dry humped me for a little while. It is all i remember and I didn’t get my memory back until I was 20. I was raped when I was 21 from someone else. I was fearful of my brother growing up in my teens, I used to lock my door at night afraid he was going to come in and rape me, I never knew why as I had blocked the memory. I’ve been in hospital to treat my PTSD and the memory keeps coming up with flashbacks. Has anyone else not remembered everything from an event? I just want closure, I want to confront him and ask if anything more had happened. My body and mind makes me feel as though my brother did more than just dry hump me, I can’t remember though. I know our brain is very good at protecting us and i’m always dissociated. I forgive me brother, he was still young, but it has affected me through my teens and adulthood. I’m nearly 30 and still suffering. I avoid sex it makes me feel so uncomfortable, I’m not comfortable in wearing certain clothes, I feel like I cannot just be myself. i always feel unsafe.

  58. Em says:

    Hi! I was abused by my step father until the age of 17. I do not remember when it started(as a child) for some reason I don’t remember a lot as a child. I’m wandering if being sexually abused has anything to do with it? I remember being in high school and it happening, but nothing before that. I remember nothing from my childhood. I am married now with a baby. For some reason as long as I can remember I don’t feel anything while having sex(with my ex boyfriend from 5 years ago, or my husband now) absolutely nothing. Is there something wrong with me? I have tried looking it up and researching, but I can’t find anything about it that will help me. Could it be from the abuse? I believe my memories are locked in another part of my brain? And I’m blocking all of the bad memories out. Has anyone ever been threw anything like this before? I’m so ashamed and I have no idea what to do. Any tips? Thank you so much for taking the time to help and read my story.

  59. Anonymous says:

    Hi, i was abused by my brother for years. I have avoided it my entire life. It’s finally starting to catch up with me. I have been in a great relationship for 4 years. This last year i have not wanted to have sex anymore, i’m only 25. I still talk to my brother we pretend it never happened. I feel like my abuse is ruining my relationship, my boyfriend knows i was abused but doesn’t know anything more and he feels helpless. I don’t know what to do. I hate to think i’m ruining my own life or ruining his. I want to be better. But i don’t want to say it out loud either. We fight constantly because i have this wall up all of a sudden. Please give me some advice i really want to save this relationship.

    • Anonymous says:

      You are not alone. I’m 46 and the same exact thing happened to me. I’m praying for YOU!

    • Anonymous says:

      I wish I had the perfect answer to give you to save this relationship and in all honesty I’m probably not one with great advice considering I’ve never been in one but I’ll give it my best shot. I too was sexually abused by my brother for years and was forced to do unspeakable things and we also act like it never happened, but I still have a ton of built up anger towards him as I’m sure you do towards your brother. I’ve struggled with touch from people for years and absolutely struggle with the idea of being with a man. One thing I can say is that once I started talking about my abuse to close friends and one of my sister that I knew I could trust and could explain how terrible and damaged it makes me feel I started to see the future more clearer, they helped comfort me in times I felt awful. You should try to explain to your boyfriend on why you don’t want to have sex, but you shouldn’t feel the need to try and explain everything if you’re not prepared for it and that this doesn’t mean y’all will never do it again. You are trying to heal from the abuse you endured at the young age. I’m 22 and I’m learning to love myself even the damaged and broken pieces. I plan to confront my brother in the future just not quite ready for that. I hope that you are able to heal from the abuse that you went through and that you and your boyfriend maintain the relationship you have. I wish you the best of luck. Healing isn’t fun, but sometimes it’s necessary so that you’re able to live your life to the fullest 💜 I know our stories vary but I believe we all deserve to heal and to get the best out of life.

  60. Carla says:

    I was raped, molested buy my brother for many many years. I kind of recall at starting somewhere around second grade and the last time I remember he tried and he finally heard my know was when I was 18. I’ve told my mother she tells me I’m a liar I’ve told the schools no one ever helped me. I am so glad that victims from the Boy Scouts and from the churches are finally getting help and Justice that they deserve but what about folks like me? How do I get Justice?

  61. Kiki says:

    I was sexually molested since 4th grade by my stepfather. I’m still traumatized til this day. It has affected my adult life too much but I refuse to let it destroy my life. My anger has calm down a lot but I do get the occasion sudden meltdown. It makes me sad that this world can be so scary and cruel.

  62. Emma says:

    I was abused by my adoptive father for when I was 7 until I was 14 and when he was done with me he went to my little sister. I told my mom my freshman year of high school. I was always to scared to tell anyone bc idk what he would do to us and when it first happened it was before I was adopted and I knew if I told anyone what was going on we’d be sent to another home and we’d be spit up and I loved my siblings more than anything and I didn’t want that to happen. When I did tell my mom though she said I was a LIAR. My dad killed himself bc he didn’t want to have to deal with the consequences of his actions. To this day I miss my dad and I forgive him but I’m not the same person anymore there are days when I feel absolutely empty inside. I’m 18 now and I’m still dealing with the affects of what happened and lately it seems like they are taking a bigger role on me. He has affected me in more ways than I thought. I thought I was stronger than what happened to me but I’m not.

  63. Jay says:

    Hello everyone. My name is Jay and I’m 32yrs old and I was molested by my older sister when I was about 9yrs old.
    Started as a older sister being well a older sister to a younger brother. Playing around with me like picking on me then one moment when she pinch my butt when I walked past her. I didn’t think nothing of it and just laughed it off. Then one time I was in my own world in my room, parents out shopping, with her as my babysitter. She said I looked ill, pulled my clothes off down to my underwear and stuck a “thermometer” in my rear and was rubbing me in my front. Then convince me my erection was a sign I was sick then “help” me rub it away….. Realizing later that the “thermometer” was a sex toy.
    It honestly has been making me very hateful and sick to my stomach every since I been having pain in my rectal area. Went to the doctor’s like three months back and gotten a colonoscopy because I was bleeding bad.
    Then he told me I had scarring throughout and my colon is 20 to 25 years older than my actual self. He asked about trauma and I hinted to him about what had happened but not out right saying so. Embarrsement and shame kicks me every time I say or think about it all. My loving wife Lynn has been very amazing with me about this ordeal but my hate is boiling and shame getting worse. I keep thinking should I get therapy? But scare too also. Should I go into therapy? Overtime I seem to forget it, but something at times triggers it and makes me despise everything, even my own heartbeat.

  64. Alexa says:

    My brother touched my private area and tried to masturbate it when I was in kindergarten, I want to kill him. I am now 23 years old and still have nightmares about it.

    I badly want to kill him and torture him.

  65. Jay says:

    I’m grateful for everyone’s courage in sharing their painful experiences and inner thoughts. I didn’t get molested when I was younger but I am married to someone that has. We have been married for 13 years and have had problems surrounding our sex life since around year 2. She told me she was molested before marriage but we were married in our mid 20s and I never knew what kind of effect this could have on someone. I’ve been mostly anger over the years because I thought she really didn’t desire me and also that she was interested in other men (or women) and maybe she was cheating. I thought that she was just using the molestation as a crutch to not have sex or not be intimate. She doesn’t like to kiss and doesn’t really touch me at all. I mean, we haven’t intimately kissed in years. She doesn’t flirt and doesn’t like to talk during sex. Sometimes I feel we don’t really have a relationship outside of work and our kids. We average sex around once a week and I feel I’m growing more and more detached. I recently told her I was going to do whatever it takes to stay with her through these challenges she is facing with dealing with the past trauma but my desires constantly make me frustrated. I HATE masturbating. I have told her this several times that I struggle with this and I feel bad when I am moody because I am sexually frustrated. I hate when we have sex and I know she is not into it and it’s like a chore. I ask her if she just wants me to have someone on the side so maybe there won’t be any pressure on her but she says yes but only when she’s upset. I don’t know what to do. I love her and want to remain married. We work together, entrepreneurs, and have beautiful children and have a great time together but it’s like we have no true intimate relationship. I so long for that! I have also read about polyamory and even mentioned that to her but I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t want to just start stepping out either. Anyone can provide some suggestions? My sex drive is on 100 but I want to keep my family together. I forgot to mention, we have been in therapy on and off for the last 11 years! She gets so far and seems that she doesn’t want to face certain exercises to gain breakthroughs with sex. We been through 5 or so therapists. It’s like I want to be able to be settled with my desires without stressing her out. Everytime I say I’m going to settle or ignore my desires, it only works for a few months then it’s bad again. I just don’t know that to do.

  66. tamleigh13 says:

    I am 45. I was sexually abused by my uncle from very young, maybe 8 or 7 years old until he died when I was 15. I do not remember what age I was when I could finally take up for myself and he couldn’t get me alone maybe 11, 12 but it turned into increased hell. He lived next door. And would find ways to get in vehicles to sit behind me and hold a knife to my side and whisper to keep my mouth shut or he would kill the driver who would be my aunts, my mom. He would shine flash lights on me if I was outside after dark and during the day he would point his shotgun at me or pull his nasty dick out and touch himself. He always found ways to show up at grandmas, or my house, or a family gathering to try to get close to grab me or show it at me or remind me he could kill family members at anytime. He started calling me when he knew I was alone and cry and beg to see me. Even offering money. I was in hell. He always threatened to hurt my little sister to keep me silent. My younger cousin lived beside me too. One day her dad was dropping her off from his weekend visit and no one was home and my uncle offered to watch her til her mom got home but she cried and refused to be left. Soon after our mother’s and aunt told us her dad was going to take her away forever and we would never see her again unless…her dad reported my uncle and social workers wanted to speak, question us. Me, my sister and cousin had our moms and aunt tell us if we said our uncle touched us or was nasty they would take her away from her mom and we would never be together again.yes they must have known he was a nasty drunk perv huh. We all lied to the counselor. I remember him clearly holding a doll and asking if my uncle touched me and I lied and was scared and felt like I was bad. Confused. I became to scared to ask for help and over time I became withdrawn,angry, acting out. I was losing my mind. So 8th grade my mother got me committed to an institution for some time…..I was having behavioral n mood issues. Well I told….and my mom acted like surprise and got me discharged and said if I told my dad he would go kill my uncle and go to jail forever and it had to be a secret. I asked if she took care of things and would my uncle be gone…..well he wasn’t gone. I was upset….I mean she never confronted him at all. To keep me n my mouth quit she called him in front of me and all she said was shame on you….for real mom? Now I have to just deal in silence because it will be me putting my dad in jail because I was so selfish….so he started calling crying begging, holding guns at me flashing me until he was dead but it was only 1 more year of mental abuse…needless to say my mental health wasn’t so well and after the pos had died my dad heard me yelling outside about forcing me to feel like I was to blame for what my uncle did to me and yelling my pain because I thought I was alone. Dad was outside n I thought he was at work…..so to just give my hand a break….my father turned into a monster. Keep my mom scared to visit her family because he blamed my grandfather I guess because uncle was dead. My dad started being violent and treating my mom pretty bad and in turn my mother started abusing me because I ruined her life. She eventually convinced my dad I was a ruined slut and they both abused me, the mental abuse has been the hardest on me. I am 45 now and it’s only been I think 7 years without my father spitting in my face as he holds me by the neck telling me I’m to blame for any issue my sister will have, or for putting my purse on his side of the kitchen table. My poor beautiful son is treated like I guess nothing…..they buy cars for my other 3 nieces n gifts for my brothers boys. Well my dad stopped speaking to me for 4 years so that was a break kind of but my mom still tries to get him mad at me. Guess I lost my parents and family love and mental health and happiness because I was sexually abused. He died and I never went a day without a reminder. Honestly after this confusion I feel empty and I hate being here. I guess I will never know freedom.

  67. Anynys says:

    I’m a women and when I was around 5-6 two of my female cousins would molest me. My mom knew and never did anything we never spoke of it she never told my dad. My dad would have killed them probably. Then in high school I was raped by a boyfriend. And for some reason it’s just now hit me that this has happened, maybe because I have my own kid now to protect. I try to talk to my husband but he won’t listen

  68. Lucia says:

    I was sexually assaulted by my ex boyfriend a month ago. He came by to pick me up and I was wearing a short dress, which I felt comfortable in and my intention was not to seduce him at all. He kept looking at my thighs and he drove to a park which was very far from the public. At first I didn’t question why he drove to the park but I let it slide. It got dark and he started kissing me, I kissed him back and he lowered the seat I was on and he touched my thighs, I let him touch me because I trusted him enough because we were dating. Things started feeling awkward when he go on top of me and put his fingers inside my vagina. I then heard him opening a condom and I asked what he was doing and he didn’t answer me. I kept telling him that he can’t do something I didn’t agree to but he didn’t listen to me. I tried blocking him with my hands but he had so much strength that I gave up. He held my hands and entered me. It was so painful as it was my first time. I even thought I was gonna bleed, but he was gentle. Days later after the incident he blocked me on social media. He unblocked me after a week and we spoke and “fixed” things. We then met again in the same car and went to the park again and that time I was ready to have sex with him, I agreed and we did it again. He then blocked me again. I’m still blocked even now and we didn’t even have a fight. It is quite clear that he only wanted one thing from me and I was there to give it to him. I can’t even speak up to my friends because I feel embarrassed. I want to open a case against him but I don’t have concrete evidence to prove what he did to me. I’m shattered and I feel like I might dive straight into depression because of this whole thing. I feel worthless and cheap💔

    • ahhhh says:

      You are so far from worthless and cheap. His behaviors don’t change your identity at all – its yours. I am so sorry you had to endure that. I went through a similar experience with my ex. I hope there is someone you can trust that you can at least talk to. It really helped me just to tell other people and talk to friends that had suffered similar things.

  69. Jen says:

    I was abused from the age of 9 to 11, abuse started as molestation and led to multiple rapes . This was a family friend who lived with my family. I was left in his care for weeks at a time. As a result I was raped at Christmas while my mother was away. I blocked this out during my teen years but when I finally remembered I became angry at my motherfor allowingthis to happen even thoughshedidn’t know. I finally told my her when I was 42 years old. She said she would demand an explanation from my abuser but I doubt she did or even believed me. He died one year later. Im 47 now and still have some of the issues stated above.

  70. Alan says:

    I’m a Jersey guy and my first trip out of state on my own was a bus ride to the Midwest to visit a college I was thinking of applying to. While there I caught a ride hitchhiking and was molested by a guy I think was in his 30s. I froze when he touched me and didn’t get aroused but I thought the whole thing was my fault cause I didn’t get out of the car. It was my first sexual experience ever. I never told anyone when I got home, or ever till recently. I didn’t process it well on my own, having multiple experiences with guys in cars letting guys do non-brutal stuff, sometimes taking part. After college, I stopped and kinda buried it. I got married, had kids who are now married themselves, but when internet porn hit, I’d look at two guys in cars.

    A few years ago, something triggered the memory of that first time that I hadn’t thought about since high school. I eventually shared it with my wife and she helped me to see that it wasn’t my fault, but it took awhile. At first, it was a huge relief thinking it wasn’t on me but that passed in reliving it over and over. There’s been lots of sleepless nights where darkness was almost tangible. At one point, I went to the edge of doing something final but pulled back. It feels like I screwed up a lot in my life not thinking right about so much. There’s days I wanna be forgiven for I don’t even know what for. Until recently it didn’t even occur to me that so many of my experiences in college were with guys in cars and that it had anything to do with what happened in high school.

    There’s more to the story but this isn’t the place for that. I’m not even sure why I’m leaving this, other than there’s something that helps being able to say it, and say it without reliving it. If you’re reading this and you are holding stuff in so much it’s like a prison, be encouraged to share it with someone who cares about you. That can be hard when you’re a guy, I was too scared to when it happened, but I think the scars go less deep the more things are in the light. And lean into whatever spiritual resources your faith provides.

  71. Depressed says:

    My dilemma started when I was 9. My mother met the man who would become my stepfather. I hated him in the beginning, but after I got older maybe 11 or 12, he started giving me candy and things trying to make me like him. I was at the age where I wanted attention, and he provided me with that. He told me not to tell anyone, because it would hurt the family. I started to love his attention and thought he loved me. He told me he would divorce my mother and marry me. That was just to keep his control over me. It went on for years, and I developed a mental disorder where I would think about hurting people, and it would make me depressed and cry, full of anxiety. I had to keep this secret.

    Later on in life he took my virginity, telling me guys my age would hurt me. He didn’t like me dating guys my age. When I was in my early 20’s I left home with someone I didn’t love just to get away from him. I lived in conditions that I didn’t have to. Ultimately I left him and began dating someone and we eventually got married. I wasn’t in love with him, but this gave me the escape for my stepfather to leave me alone. I cheated on my husband, he had no emotions and I wanted someone to love me, anyone. I did a lot of things I’m ashamed of. I blame myself, I’ve told some people who I trust. I can’t seem to heal from this.

  72. Sophia says:

    I can’t really remember how long it lasted or when it started I just have memories that pop up or are triggered whenever I’m reminded of something. I think it happened between the ages of 6-9. It was my 15 y/o male cousin, and it happened in my house. I blocked out what happened to me for years until the consequences on my mental health finally started to arise in middle school and only continued on from there. I have dealt with eating disorders, depression, ptsd and self harm, on and off ever since. Its just so hard. Never told family because of fear and haven’t been able to even look at a picture of him without having my anxiety skyrocket. Recently my biggest fear has been that more than anything what happened to me as a child is the reason for my sexuality. I am a lesbian and Im terrified to think that the reason for my sexuality isn’t because I truly am attracted to women but that I’m so terrified of men. Even though from as far back as I can remember I have had crushes on women. I know that the majority of lesbians and bisexual women don’t feel this way because they never dealt with childhood abuse , and childhood abuse causing women to change their sexuality is a statistically incorrect accusation for the majority of gay women. I’m just so scared to think I’m in the minority and mine was in fact a result of my trauma.

    • ThomasTalks says:

      Hi Sophia, thank you for sharing this post. You’ve been very brave through your honesty. I myself am coming to terms with my abuse and your post is the first I’ve read on this site and I was immediately drawn in due to the parallels in our stories. As you mentioned my memory is foggy with regards to how long and from when; I had never forgotten but the memories had been in the subconscious of mind that pop up at random times. And I also relate to you by questioning if my sexuality is a product of my abuse. I identify proudly as a gay man and I do believe there is an attraction to other men but often I wonder if this is purely because my first sexual experiences were with males and if this is all I know or am familiar with. I’m thank you for sharing your story, it has helped me by taking ‘comfort’, for lack of a better word, in understanding others have the same thoughts I do and that i’m not alone. We’re not alone. I hope we both get the healing we deserve. Thomas.

    • Chloe says:

      Hi I have recently been uncovering my own sexual abuse without memories, just feelings and I also am a lesbian now, I also have strong memories of being in love with a girl at 4 years old, if you ever want someone to talk too I feel like were very well matched in unclear memories and feeling like our sexuality could be based of abuse so reply if you are interested in talking about anything

  73. Jeremiah B says:

    I (a male) was molested when I was six years old by a gay pedophile. Although I kept it (trauma) under control, my mom’s bfs were emotionally abusive to me since I only had her (Real father left before I was born). This resulted in myself choosing to become celibate to prevent future partners from getting hurt by me (in any way whatsoever). I feel like beating him into incoherent bumbling pulp of blood, since he’s a lil sissy now. But I don’t, I like to think I’m “alright” for not giving in, but who’s really checking if I’m really alright? Could I kill him without worrying about the pearly gates above?

  74. Kate says:

    I was molested by by step sister when I was 12. I’ve coped by convincing myself she loved(s) me and that I love her too. She’s told me multiple times she was using me, she hates me, blah blah blah. But I think it was easier to tell myself we were in love than to admit something bad happened to me. I’m just coming to that realization 6 years later. Family knew, didn’t stop it. Nobody cares, I’ve been suffering in silence for 6 years and I need help before it’s too late. Who knows, by tomorrow I might just believe the delusion she loves me and will come back.

  75. Mike says:

    I was sexually abused by my uncle as a boy. Years later, I am working through the anger and hurt. My wife knows and understands why I am not always so cuddly.

  76. Deborah Cree says:

    My husband tells me today that he was sexually abused by hi older brother from age 8 till 14. He also witnessed his older brother doing the same thing to his sister. He is 44 now and cried a lot about it. What can i do to help him? Should his brother be brought to justice

  77. Warm heart says:

    Hello Deborah,

    Sorry to hear of your husband’s past sexual abuse. It seems like this issue stays with you even through adulthood. I think he should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. God bless you and your husband!!

  78. Warm-hearted says:

    I informed my stepfather that I told my therapist all about his abuse in the past. He was nervously upset, and begged me to not tell anyone else or write it in my diary. But, I have told lots of people plus it remains written down. He’s so scared for it to be known, but I think the healing is expressing my abuse.

  79. Anonymous says:

    I was sexually abused by my step father from the age of 6 to 14, I had my first panick attack when hearing my mom and stepdad have sex, is there something wrong with me? I felt as if I were jealous it wasn’t me, what’s wrong with me? Why did I feel that way? I know that’s sick and not normal!

  80. Warm hearted says:

    Dear Anonymous,

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I experienced the same exact thing, with the same response. I was 15 at the time. That’s around the time when I developed Harm OCD, and things went downhill from there.

  81. Madison says:

    I had an experience when I was 12 years old with my step-sister(15). To this day can’t tell if it was abuse or she really loved me. I’m not sure if love would make a difference, but I know how it makes me feel now. I feel ugly, used, unlovable. She is still the only person who has touched me to this day. I tell myself she was in love with me because its easier than admitting the probable truth; she was abused as a child and took it out on me. I’m waiting on the day it finally hits me.

  82. Susan says:

    I’m a 59 year old woman. When I was 4 years old, my best friend Johnny and I were playing in the front yard of my home. A stranger was walking down the street, and stopped, and asked Johnny and I, if we knew where he could park his car. So Johnny and I went with him, to show him where. It’s funny, because I can remember the clothes he was wearing, but I can’t remember his face at all. Anyways he took Johnny and I down to the end of the next block, and the building on the corner had an entrance to the basement, that didn’t have a door on it, he brought us down into the basement with him. I can still see his penis rubbing all over my tummy and chest, I can also still smell him. Johnny saved us, as he said that he can hear his mom calling him. The stranger let us go. My parents were alcoholics, so when I got home, they didn’t even know that I was missing, they were in the living room drinking and playing cards. When I went up to them, I told them that a mean man tried to steal me, they both laughed, and told me to go play in the yard. I never brought it up again. What I don’t understand is why I can still see what he did to me, and still smell his smell, after all these years. Then when I was 11 years old my older sister started molesting me, until I was 13, again I can remember her smell. Later on when I was older, I brought up what happened when I was 4 years old, and what my sister did to me, to my mother, and she called me a liar. I’ve carried this anger, pain, and rage throughout my life. I’m going to get help to heal my inner child, because of my childhood traumas, I’ve never been able to hold down and long lasting healthy relationship.

  83. Santaa says:

    I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years my significant other once told me her dad raped her and she told me almost how and where it happened so I guess we got rocky in the fact that she told me this had changed me so one day she got mad and tried to leave me or didn’t understand why I turned into the person I was so when I tried to tell her that the real reason for this situation and how she feels is that she said her dad raped her and I told her I was going to tell him. then she told me that she was. for whatever reason I don’t want to lose my love because the battles I’ve been fighting were the wrong ones I want to lose my love because of the right reasons I don’t know what else to say because it’s weird how her family is in how she is but it kind of makes sense like I really feel like this happened and I feel like she’s a serious enough person that she wouldn’t even choke about anything like that I feel like this is holding the person that I love back so bad and it’s changed me so much and I love her so much why is it so hard for me to say it again and for her to even acknowledge it and realize that’s the reason for her entire demeanor in our relationship status which is separated at a moment I feel like I need to confirm her and whether she wants to work things out with me or not for her sake I think I need to confront her parents I need to know the truth and she needs to know that she’s special in that love shouldn’t do you that way does anyone have an opinion on with someone make such a statement and then say they were joking about their dad

  84. I’m a man, and was raped continuously from 12-14, and the man also mutilated me. I am able to do alright. I was married 12 years and have a 27 year old daughter I love. I do think I’m filthy for my fantasies about women, and also hate to be naked. I’m always covering up as much as I can, even in summer. That way people don’t see all the cuts and cigarette burns on my arms and back. I also ended up with schizophrenia, so I feel like a freak. Very hard for me to relate to normal people

  85. Chloe says:

    I believe as a child I was repeatedly abused in school, I dont remember but growing up I’ve had some pretty detailed fantasies and have slowly been able to believe myself. I believe my school had a secret paedophile ring and can feel a strong image of a younger women and man and also an older man, I remember a few strong memories of reception class and then nothing until after I moved towns and almost started year 3.

  86. Elizabeth says:

    My step-father sexual abuse me when I was 10 years old; I told my mother but she took his side… I can’t be in a relationship because I really hate myself and I can’t stand my own body. I was finally put in my grandparents along with my brother who has needs and is not able to take care of his self, I also have older sister and two young brother and sister. It was really the four us because my older sister live with my grandparents; I was 12 years old when me and my older brother got put with my grandparents and my younger brother and sister got put in a foster care. I never been happy… I did had a relationship but all that person wanted was sex and I couldn’t do it… I starting to self-harm myself and put into a hospital…

    Now my step-father has past away and my mother never talks about what happens… I think till the day I die I’m never going to be happy. I’m sorry my story doesn’t make any sense to many things happen to me; I still talk to my mother and love her but I never forget that she pick him over us all…

    It hurts like hell when you love your mother so much and your other siblings just keep asking why I still talk to her and my answer is because I can’t bring myself to hate her because she my mother…

  87. Christy says:

    I’m 19 I have been molested by my uncle for 3 years now
    He restricted me from having friends or even communicating with my family..
    I am filled with guilt ,I had to tell some of my close friends and my elder brother .
    I don’t know if it’s right for me to still stay with him

  88. Warm hearted says:

    I’m so sorry for what has happened to you. He has absolutely no right to keep you from your friends and family. Can you stay with anyone else besides your uncle?

  89. monica says:

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  90. Anonymous says:

    I was sexually abused by my father when I was maybe 3-4. I don’t know the age for sure. I see it in my mind, the memories of it replay over and over again. I try to deny that it ever happened because if it never happened, there is nothing wrong with me. i can feel all of the sensations, I can even smell him. It makes my stomach turn. I always tell myself to just deal with it, let it go, move on. No reason to dwell on something that happened so long ago.

    I hate feeling like a victim. I always feel like I shouldn’t let this control my life, and that I’m being too weak. There are plenty of other people living on this rock that had it way worse than me, and tons of people who can just get over it. Why can’t I let it go?

    I’ve been holding onto this for 30 years, going back and forth in my mind whether it is even worth it to see a therapist and dredge up the past when there is nothing to gain from it. I’ve used promiscuity for a long time to cope with this, which is my own fault, because I could just NOT do that, and just try to move forward. Living in the past doesn’t do me any favors.

    I’m meeting with a psychologist next week, because I have physical pain and I think some of it is due to this. I’m only going because I want the physical pain gone and I’m willing to try anything. I feel so stupid going there, because I’m not even sure I can say the words out loud. Is it even worth it in the end? Has therapy really helped any of you? I feel like without my coping mechanisms (alcohol and sex) I won’t be able to do this. All that’s left on the other side of this is more pain, more shitty realizations and this feeling that it will be worse, not better. Thinking about it just makes me feel absolute terror.

    Please tell me that it helps because right now all I’m feeling about it is anxiety and despair.

    • Abbie says:

      Hi, I don’t know if I have much to offer since it’s only been a couple years since abuse stopped for me, but I want to say something because I really relate with what you said about coping- I’ve felt a LOT of guilt over the things I used/still use to cope (alcohol and some sexual experiences as well). Even while I was doing these things I could think through exactly how they were hurting me and why I shouldn’t be doing them, but I still did them. and what I’ve figured out is that guilt does absolutely nothing for me in terms of not getting wasted the next time, even though I know I don’t want to. But I think seeing a psychologist is one of the best things to do, honestly even while I was getting drunk and stuff therapy was the most helpful thing for me. and I know it’s different, you’ve dealt with this much longer than I have, but I think the brain just needs some way to deal with this stuff. Like for a while during therapy it did nothing and alcohol was still literally the only thing that brought any relief but then therapy randomly actually started helping. I don’t really know why but I think it had to do with talking through guilt and why certain things made me feel guilty and actually looking at it head on instead of just feeling it. It actually got easier to manage that way. While I’m still not doing fantastic I do believe therapy literally saved me from becoming an alcoholic, and honestly I’d recommend it to anyone who has dealt with sexual abuse at any point and in any situation. stuff comes up that never would otherwise, and talking about it sucks but it is so good to get out. Hope this gave you some encouragement- I really hope you have a good psychologist and that you will be able to see some hope.

  91. taylor says:

    this article is so homophobic

  92. taylor says:

    this article is so homophobic! queer ppl if ur reading this, being sexually abused is not what makes you queer. this man left out the possibility that gay people also get sexually abused and decided to just be homophobic for no reason. it sucks that there isn’t more inclusive research and that this would even be posted as a resource for us. try to look under queer organizations websites for resources to avoid this type of thing.

  93. Luce says:

    Basically, when I was 15 I slept with a guy. I allowed it to happen as at first I thought it was okie. At certain times it was too much, he would try and force himself on me, sometimes not even letting me leave his house until we had sex again after I told him no. How do you view this? Can I say it’s rape or sexual assault as I already agreed once to have sex with him and do stuff but i think about often. Was I so young and naive that I brushed it off the shoulders and didn’t realise until I got to this age that it was manipulative.

  94. Orion Slavin says:

    I am the only one that has a higher sex drive as an adult due to being raped and molested by my grandfather? Just wanna know if there is some scientific fact about this.

    • Ned says:

      No, you aren’t… I am as well. From age 8-10 I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor and his friend. They were probably 40 and 35. Though I am not attracted to men at all and have been happy in long-term relationships with women, I am overly sexual and not a cuddles or smoocher. I learned what my abusers liked to do to me. That’s how love and sex and paying attention to someone is supposed to be, right? No, women aren’t into any of that, so sex is awkward or something done alone too many times a week..

  95. Cara says:

    When I was very young my step brother made me do sexual things to him and with him. He was about 11-12 years old so he obviously new what he was doing to me and this had been going on till he was about
    14. He did things to me for years and as I got older I started to say no but there where some things where I didn’t have a choice. I soon became more aware of what was going on and as I got even older I started to realize what he did wasn’t normal. I have had to live with this since I was 6 I’m now 12 and since then I’ve felt embarrassed and sad about this, and now I’m realizing this has happened to many other people and that this isn’t normal and I should tell someone. I don’t see him anymore because he did some pretty scary things to me other than sexual things like things that made me feel unsafe. My mom doesn’t even know the sexual things he did to me and I don’t know how I could tell her. If I did tell her there is nothing I could do about it because technically I did give consent but only because I didn’t know what was going on and I was always scared to say something so I just let it happen.

  96. dalitso says:

    Hie

    When i was 8/9 years old i was molested on three separated occasions first time it happened i was in boarding school with these two seniors at my school later during the same time line with a family member who was also older than me at first it didn’t click i went on with my life and after 13 year it only started to sink in. Its hard not being able to say anything and to be honest i just don’t know what to say at time i struggle with and try to convince my self and part of me question if i am actually straight so that what happened to me may make sense buh honest it is a terrifying experience and i don’t how to move forward and ever direct seem to be another rub hole

  97. Ryn says:

    I was aroused by my own father, I didn’t know what was his intention because I was not educated about that thing, so he touched me, I manage to get out from his embrace and it drives him mad, he even rejected my mother then; he left us, but soon get back to us that day, he apologies to us, but it didn’t help me to stop thinking about what he had do to me, then he has pancreas cancer and didn’t survive chemotheraphy, I was sad because he isn’t here with us anymore but there’s a relief but eventhough I still can’t manage to forget about it and it haunts me even when I’m with other people, I’m always afraid.What can I do? Help me.

    • Warm hearted says:

      Hello Ryn,

      I’m so sorry about what happened to you. It’s almost as if you are angry, but you still feel bad for that person. That’s how I was, and still am to this day. I was always scared, so I had to seek counseling and family support. It has really helped me. It is not your fault. You we’re a child. I hope this helps you. Stay strong, and God bless!!

  98. Dee says:

    For the first time today I am reading about experiences of others’ child sexual abuse. I feel like I’m not alone. I am 45. My earliest memory of sexual abuse was when I was 5 years old by an older, adolescent male relative. It happened a number of times. He used his fingers and different objects to penetrate me. I remember the pain. I blocked it out for many years but while I was studying my social work degree the course material seemed to trigger all those memories and they’ve been with me ever since. I’ve always said that I will not allow my abuse to define me, but looking back now I can see how it has been ever present in my relationships, how worthless I sometimes feel, how I blame my partners for making me feel that way, how I chose abusive partners, how I tried to find my worth through sex, how at other times I avoid sex for long periods of time, how I go from one relationship to the next, how to the outside world I am this perfectionist but within I feel I’m a nothing. I’ve tried therapy many times in my life but never got to the point of disclosing my abuse. I struggle with anxiety and depression and sleep disturbance but have resigned myself that this is life. I feel this has held me back, like I’m not able to reach my potential because of the negative thoughts and feelings towards myself.
    It happened again throughout my teens, much worse… was my mother’s boyfriend. I tried to tell her but she didn’t believe me. I could never speak about it ever again. I don’t think I will ever heal from this. I live with a constant sense of fear. I cant tell my partner though he suspects something is wrong. I just carry on from day to day faking my smile.

  99. Jolee says:

    I am 50 and I was molested by my father at a young age. I had repressed memories resurface at the age of 21 and it caused a psychotic break. I discovered answers to questions I’d had such as why did my father take me into his bed at.night while my mom worked, only to put me back in my own bed when she came home in the am. I had a suitcase packed at my door, I used to hide behind a chair in my room. I never felt like I could squeeze into the smallest of space in order to hide and not be seen. I had a recurring nightmare of being chased and unable to hide where this monster couldn’t find me. As I grew older, I became very promiscuous. I thought that’s how a guy shows that he cares or loves me. But they were just using me. I had a reputation at school of being easy. People talked about me. I felt ashamed. I had a series’s of boyfriends and most often had sex the first or second night we met. I was eager to please them sexually, often times I’d freeze up and start crying or cry afterwards…sometimes suffer in silence. A few times I’d get up and run out of the house & leave. I’ve hated myself and hated my body and developed a binge eating disorder. It became sort of a shield of armor. No one wants me, who cares, I thought. I’ve cut myself, suffered from depression & bod. Hospitalized numerous times. Tried to kill myself. I’ve been on so many meds and have spent countless hours on the couch in therapy. I’ve read many books and on and on…to this day, I still feel shame and low self esteem. I still feel unworthy. I still think of my abuser during sex. If I watch porn it’s hardcore, rough forced…etc. I cannot pleasure myself to anything vanilla. I feel ashamed and disgusted at myself. My father is dead, I did confront him, but he denied it. My mother said she believes he did do that to me, and to my daughter, as well. Now I live with anger & resentment towards my mother for allowing it. I try to forgive her, but it’s unforgivable. Thank you for sharing your stories and allow me to do the same.

  100. Sul says:

    Was abused as a kid (male), probably around 7. This older lady who was a neighbor would come in and perform sexual acts on me and eventual make me have sex. I didn’t really know what was going on but I knew it wasn’t normal so I didn’t tell anybody. It wasn’t bad or hurtful, I enjoyed it I guess which makes me even more guilty. Only when I was 20 I realized what had happened and understood that my weird emotional attachments were because of my past. I don’t feel attracted to physical partners, I mean I prefer talking to people online and sexting online. Ruins my relations and my marriage. I am happily married but I fake enjoying sex and I get into online relationships. This wrecks me and makes me guilty and I try my best to stay away but sigh but I’m still not sure if this is just me being an unfaithful asshole or this is part of my problems. My question is how much of this can we blame on our abusive pasts and on ourselves?

  101. Sierra Dawn says:

    I remember my grandpa who was traumatized by passing of his wife at 35 he became habitual drunk. He told stories about women he saved from being raped. His own brother sexually assaulting his sister’s when they were younger he learned to fight and he beat his brother.

    Resulting in hate from other siblings they began to lie on him (saying that my grandpa was the abuser) cause his older brother hated him he told resulting in father beating his older brother. Didn’t stop there his brother abused his sister-n-laws resulting a miscarriage in one.

    He abused his daughter’s which one beat him with fishing pole, my Uncle my Grandpa’s first born son went to live with his brother age 13 who was abuser (his brother in law found out went to kill him and my Grandpa’s brother cut his stomach open resulting in his death) never charged cause he refused to tell who done it.

    Anyway, they always went to my grandpa to tell him my grandpa hated him disowned his own brother would not allow his girls around him my mom and aunt or his other boys. My Uncle his oldest son began to hate my grandpa he disowned him told lies about him.

    My mom said he changed afterwards he would not live with them unless he needed money and he would steal it and blame her which would lead to massive ass whooping with boards or anything like when they were younger their mom baby him he never done wrong only her and the others and new my grandpa disowned his brother and his son wanted to hate him cause my Grandpa’s wife died after backyard abortion threw her into massive heart attack. My mom said she remembers him pounding her chest to revive her but she was gone.

    My Uncle lived with him for awhile jumped relation to relation of my Grandpa’s and my Grandma’s. Long story short my Grandpa’s eldest son got my mom’s second son to live with him. Meanwhile he was going with my Uncle’s classmate who was 12 he was 18 at time. He was living with her parents and sexually going with her.

    Her parents wanted to get him for raping her they went to court and her my aunt now her own grandmother told the judge that her parents knew he was sexually going with her she was 13 and pregnant he married her to get out of jail my grandpa disowned his son after that. Oh, my mom was 15 and her boyfriend at time got her pregnant with me he left us. My Uncle her first brother hated my mom for having me cause my mom was helping my grandpa with his kids her other brothers and sister and me.

    My grandpa was gypsy could not stay in one place got hurt on job and began to roam. Moving 80 miles away from his siblings who hated him and his son. My Uncle is 7 years older than me he treated me as sister and so did his other kids. All I knew grandpa was my dad anyway, we lived in house with attic I could not go in attic with them.

    Until one day my uncle the youngest pulled me up there I was 5 he was 12 and he stuck his hands down my pants playing with my vagina kissing me it was gross. I went to pull away he put his hands around my throat and said they will hate you if you tell and you will be beat they will hate you and I will say you done it or I will kill you say it was accident.

    After that he would take me to chicken shed or cellar I went to tell my mom he took me down hill on hood of car set me in front of him and hit tree head on I was only one got hurt I don’t remember anything only waking up in chicken shed and my mom and uncle/brother crying. She took me in house cleaned my head and bandaged me up while my uncle/brother was glaring at me.

    I swore never to tell on him after that he continued to abuse me he began to sexually abuse me he wanted to play truth or dare I was in 5th grade I said yes then he said I dare you to sit on my lap naked. When I did he took out his penis and set me on top of it and it hurt.

    I told him it hurt he said it will for a bit until you get used to it he said lift up and down it hurt bad he laid me on couch and began pushing in harder and harder I screaming no my little brother was hitting him. He got off top of me I ran to bathroom and I was bleeding. He yelled clean yourself up and go to bed before Dad and yes, he called my mom Mom! (He started before that staying at her oldest brother’s house cause he let other three go which resulted in them leaving home to go live with him getting them on drugs prostituting my Aunt out using my Moms name. One of guys came up to my grandpa which he knew his dad telling him he was sexually with Nancy last night. My grandpa was furious he told him Nancy was sitting right by him with me. Out of respect for father of the guy he did not deck him he told him it was his other daughter. Resulting in huge confertation with his eldest son banning them from going to see him or visit with him again without being with him or my mom. Being mad my Aunt bit my mom’s arm and my Grandpa punching her in face needless to say they run off and lived with my Uncle in Kansas)

    I woke up next day bleeding and my mom said I had got my menstrual period. She let me stay home told the school everyone began to hate me new school went back to my old school they began to hate me call me names stick gum in my hair glue. I was different from them I was weird said my grandpa raped my mom To have me. I had no friends some would hide to talk to me.

    Guys would touch me on play ground and I began to fight back. I would get into trouble. A kid came to playground he saw me and we began to talk we would met every day at monkey bars no one was watching he took me from behind and dry hunched me. Kissing my neck it felt good until one of guys I liked went and told he didn’t see me and went to look. He pulled out switch blade and got banned from play ground.

    I in turn got into trouble from teacher and principal I told them my grandpa and mom didn’t have a phone number to call. So I sat in principals office and they give me papers to give my mom about my actions lucky for me they was not home he was drinking again my. UNCLE was not home I went to barn to play we were at new house I wanted to explore.

    I went to pole barn seen a guy looking down began to scream he jumped down and went running threw the field. I ran to house locked the doors finally my uncle came back from his friend’s house who lived up street with my brother. He told me don’t worry about it I showed him note he ripped it up and he told my dad and mom what happened at house my grandpa told him go check he shot the gun outside and told them he saw something.

    He was home when I got off school bus after that he went to my Uncle’s I went to window to look out and guy was standing at window looking back at me. Curly brown hair and brown eyes I closed the curtain and went running to my grandpa who got gun and shot outside. My mom told me story how she had something happen and my Grandpa reacted the same.

    We moved from there found another house my mom and brother stayed in bedroom down stairs and my grandpa stayed in another my Uncle and I stayed up stairs which abuse continued until 14 I hit him in mouth for trying to get on top of me again. He was furious he told my grandpa he was moving in with my other Uncle who lived in Illinois with his wife and kid’s and his brother. My grandpa begged him not to go but he did I was relieved he tried to get me to touch my brother it was gross he dared me to touch his penis.

    He took my hand and made me touch it my younger brother watched him fondle and rape me. He was getting older he tried to touch me and I punched him in his penis and I got in trouble by my grandpa. He slapped me in my mouth I wanted to run away so bad but the abuse was over. My grandpa wanted to see his younger son I was not suppose to be listening he told my grandpa that his own sister put knife to his throat and made him have sex with her.

    She was determined to be crazy she blamed my grandpa for raping her as a child I was seething I loathed her I wanted to beat her. My rage grew into hate guys made fun of me acted like they wanted me just to make me laughing stalk at high school. I was spit on had mustard slapped in my face I would not go back for school lunch. I basically starved myself lead to binge eating.

    I lied to my mom and grandpa I was normal I had high school sweetheart which I never. 4 years I had to endure being picked on laughing stalk notes will you go out with me. I laughed it off one told me he was serious I said get lost. I got L I’d on for stealing their money going in lockers stealing. Which I never maybe once a notebook but it was mine she took from me.

    I graduated and I was out finally I went to college thinking be different guys flirted. One I got to know was from LA he wore LA clothing he was hot. We done everything together one night since I was newbie on campus they had a dance all my new friends was jealous I had a guy who was older 2 years from graduating becoming a contractor.

    Anyway at the dance we snuck away to new building he had candles strawberries, whip cream and wine coolers and two glasses. I felt myself tensing up getting scared of what was going to happen. I made it almost to my first year of college now this we were kissing it was fine I avoided sex with him this long. He closed and locked the door and he said sit down our night I wanted to make it romantic.

    He took my coat and turned on Boys to Men we began to dance he was kissing my neck. We ate strawberries and whip cream drinking he started getting more serious kissing he laid me down kissing me we were slowly kissing he took off his shirt and when I looked up I saw my Uncle not José. I fought him off unlocked the door and ran to my dorm in freezing temperatures no coat.

    Becky said where’s José he is always walking you back I told her I never want to talk to him again. He snuck to window as I was taking shower down the hall he give her my coat and explained what happened she in turn told whole female dormitory I became laughing stalk once again school counselor tried to talk to me as a shrink I lied and said I was virgin never had sex I did not want to lose it to anyone but future husband.

    He tried to get me back with José which tried to talk to me again I told him no straight up I began to talk to Shawn a major in nursing I was going threw he told me get back with José he missed me I was friends with other freshman guys they were best friends. We had freshman get togethers in dorms no guys was allowed in girls dorms and vice versa anyway we were watching movie on couch José came in sat by Matt and Jason and Cash was sitting in front of me on my legs with girl friend Kim.

    Becky, Jaime, bunch of us forgot names but he went to touch me I saw my Uncle again I made them move and went back to dorm. Denise was hurting on shoulders I was massaging them and Sheila told me I had phone call my mom I was told my grandpa had been having hurting in his chest. So I packed everything came home leaving college. Since then I have been sexually wreckless one night stands, and finally thought I have a guy I did not enjoy having sex I did not have orgasm.he yelled what’s wrong. 6 years he always yelled marry me.

    We never talked for 4 years and when we did he was best friends I met another guy never knew he was chomo called everyone a liar we were friend a long time before it was sexual we had sex he tried desperately to get me to have orgasm or cum nothing it was just sex lay there pray to God not to look up. That is all he wanted to use me for sex and flirt text young girls high school age or junior high went on for 8 months finally had enough he wanted bootie calls.

    He wanted to get girls pregnant and say he has kids. He went to Chicago for girl give him herpes he came back told me. I am 48 years old and scares me to have sex I been to counselors, shrinks, tell them about assult they tell me well I can’t help you and I am alone again my other family does not know me or my brother tells everyone we are product of incest.

    No one in family likes us and my brothers youngest daughter had covid got in my moms face after neck surgery calling us no good we are scum cause we mowed her grass had her nephew’s there infecting them tried my mom and tried to get me to come in her yard and hit her. I refused I have gun permit and I have my preacher license I don’t want to lose both.

    They have hit our cars, throws trash in our yard let’s there dogs break my moms trinkets turns us in if we put something in front yard. Goes to neighbors talking trash about us. Calls us names cause we have cameras on our house we are invading privacy we have fence but has been breaking it down letting dogs try and bite my 3clittle ankle biters. Can’t prove they sugared
    My car or killed my oldest dog..

    Hacking into our internet and making fake profiles on sexual websites for women using name frankie our great great great great grandpa. Calling jobs saying rotten thing to them that I was supposed to say bullying me and my brother on line all my oldest Uncle telling lies to my cousins we are all going together that is why I am living with my mom.

    I took care of my grandpa before he died and I am taking care of my mom and brother cause he is partial deaf. It hurts not having anyone to talk too.

  102. Mia says:

    From the ages of 7-12 I was sexually abused by my grandfather when i was living with him. He would beat me till i bled or would break bottles or plates to make a weapon and would threaten to kill me if i didnt do what he told me to do or if i said no and would try to fight back. i would be in so much pain from the non stop abuse and from him raping me multiple times at a time that i couldnt move. I was like 10 when i put some of my grandmothers (his sickly wife) bloodthiners i think it was into a blender so it would become a powder and putting it in his food when he was outside doing some yard work and he told me to make him some food because he said he was going to be hungry after he was done with the yard. He walked in on me do this because he could hear the sound of the blender from outside and came to see what i was doing and punched me in the ribs and threw me to the ground and started chocking me screaming at me saying “you tryin to kill me you little whore? I should make you eat that shit and see what it would do to you.” after that he dragged me by my hair into the bathroom and raped me in the sink. he slammed me so hard into the mirror i had tiny pieces of glass in the back of my head and back. Im 14 now and i look back at all the pain he caused me and see how it affected my life. I get extremely anxious around men and if i feel like someone is too close to me or to a certain part of my body i become extremely violent and will start punching or kicking the person who is close. I started hurting myself when i was 9. it was small things like scratching my hands or arms and it escalated to cutting my wrists, thighs, abdomen, and hips and i would stick my hand in boiling water or i would stick my head underwater till i felt sleepy in attempt of drowning myself (all this started when i was 12) in the past 3 years, ive attempted suicided 6 times. As ive gotten older i started to realize that killing myself wont help me or my situation. The only thing that i think will help me is seeking help and ive done so. Now, after 6 years of his abuse i get to see him in a casket in a day or two. i guess he got COVID early in the year and died last night in his sleep due to complications. God has a funny way of handing you your ass i guess.

  103. Laura Smith says:

    Hi, so pleased I have just read all of this! Here’s my story… sexually abused as a 10/11 year old girl by an old man in my village, I never told a soul he said it had to stay our little secret. My view on sex was skewed from then on, I have given myself away since turning 16 (I’m 40 now)
    I had lots of relationships that all ended quickly, married at 20 to a 32 year old control freak obsessed with porn whom I cheated on after 4 months, several relationships followed but never comfortable and thought sex was a way to feel wanted, needed and desired and I mistook giving sex for being able to give and receive love.
    I met my now ex husband at 22, he was like a breath of fresh air and the opposite to everyone else but still I couldn’t tell him, I lied about my past and had emotional affairs feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him but reflecting that unwittingly into him. Over the years we had 3 children together and 4 years ago after handing a physical affair from him I broke down and told him everything. He was amazing and work to build began but throw into this some parents who when I did speak to them about it dismissed me and it as not being that bad and a whole host of other problems surface. We are now at the point of being divorced but I feel like we are supposed to be, I’m clinging on by the skin of my teeth and I don’t know what to do it where to turn. He has subsequently been having an emotional affair as I wasn’t there for him! I need my family back together and I feel lowers now than when it happened all those years ago.

  104. Sharon says:

    I was physically abused at the age of 6 by my Nan : my mom left the home due to my dad beating her , my Nan locked me in a room all the time other than school they fed me as I was so neglected ,my mom found out and came back ,all was ok till I was 9 then a family friend started to sexually abuse me , it started to happen when I slept over at his house ,his daughter was my best friend,I remember he came into the bedroom naked and put his hand over my mouth and said he would kill me if I made a noise , he then did what he wanted and left me scared ,it happened a few times ,I have never reported it as I was so a shamed ,my parents never knew ,it still effects me even now after 44 years , I still feel so a shamed to tell anyone in authority .

  105. Dee says:

    I was sexually abused by the age of 11 for three years by an man in his mid 30s that called himself a family friend. I actually thought I was in a relationship with him but now I realize it was abuse. I was too young to understand.I remember always telling him I didn’t want it and it was wrong. My family found out and they blamed me.
    As I grew up I found myself in numerous abuso e relationships and didn’t enjoy sex. I still do t get aroused by penetration. Today I’m married but I never really want SEx with my husband. I also found myself in the same situation with my boss. He takes advantage of me. I gave him what he wanted which was my body and he still didn’t stop asking for it. I feel flustered and trapped. Don’t know how to fix this situation. I want to tell my husband but he always told me he would leave me if I ever cheat on him. I’m afraid he would not understand me. My Ex husband use to cheat on me and physically and mentally abuse me too. I want to end the cycle of bad relationship. I don’t want to ever feel abused or vulnerable. I need someone to talk to. Where do I start? Who do I talk to? I need to heal

    • William knight says:

      Dee, there are support groups that can help you. You can also get a therapist to talk out the child molestation. But your husband well maybe you can discuss your feelings about what’s bothering you .. about your boss I dont know what state you live in or country but here in the united states there is a such thing as sexual harassment you have the right to stop it or be a victim for his advances. You can file charges on him or you can relocate and find another job. Where you dont have to work for him again.. but I tell you you are much stronger then you think you are. You just need to search deeper.. I did it took me along time to over come the sexual abuse. I was 7yrs old til I was 17 it was incest molestation with 2 adult males in the family..
      You have support since you are a woman there is alot out there for women then it is for guys… never stop striving

  106. Doodles says:

    I was sexually molested by a “family friend” at age 6-7 years old. Most vividly I remember that I was wearing a 2-piece bathing suit and was sitting in a chair and he was teasing me – “tickling” me but the disgusting perverted old man (in his 60’s) was sticking his hands down my pants and touching me inappropriately. I was so confused and didn’t understand, it took me several days to verbalize what happened to my Mom who noticed I was not myself. This happened back in the 80s, so things were not really reported (my word against his – think Woody Allen) and my parents were very concerned that no one found out to protect my reputation. My parents were working middle class – so there was no therapist for me. My brother didn’t even know about it until recently. He was in the same room when it happened playing with toys on the floor … I buried the memories as far down as I could. This resulted in never dating through high school and most of college – and even when I started to date – being very hands off. I still remember when men would show interest, I always felt disgusted and would fret at the possibility of what happens if we got past the first couple dates – what if they want to touch me or kiss me? When I did find myself in relationships, I found I had “unspoken rules” – no one was ever allowed to tickle me (ever – it immediately makes me angry). If my boyfriend touched my vaginal area while clothed, it inspired intense anxiety, even if it was an accident. It goes on … I never spoke of the incident until about age 18 … and even then, it took me another decade to tell a partner (without feeling like I was revealing the worst and grossest thing about me). The shame, blame and sadness associated with molestation is heartbreaking.

  107. Nikki says:

    I don’t think what happened to me rises to the same level as what others have experience. When I was 10 or 11 my stepfather manipulated me into giving him a hand job. It happened once and was the culmination of weeks of breast fondling and mouth kissing and allowing me to watch porn in their bedroom, alone? I think he knew he couldn’t take it further because that experience was so uncomfortable for me. From then it faded away like it had never happened.
    Even when my mum divorced him and then got back together with him years later when I was fifteen it was never mentioned or hinted at. I wondered then if I should have told my mum but the relationship fell apart again and it wasn’t necessary. So I have kept it to myself all these years. It seemed so minor compared to other people’s abuse but I think it has affected me. I have no interest in romance or sex and haven’t for most of my adult life.
    The other thing that worries me is that I’ve heard this man now has kids of his own. Can’t help but wonder. I haven’t spoken with the man since I was 16 and I’m almost 32, don’t want to rock the boat but if something is happening and I don’t say ….?
    This is the first time I’ve aired these thoughts. Thanks for reading.

  108. William knight says:

    To all of you may like to know when i was 7 years of age in the late 70’s and all through the 80’s I was my father and uncles slave boy. I call it a slave boy because of what i had to do to survive in a very dysfunctional family. I remember one night I was sleeping in my bed on a mattress on the floor my all I had on was pair of loose underwear my father at the time was 32 years old my mother died my father came home drunk and crawled on top of me and I didnt know what was happening to me at that age all I know I did alot of screaming I was used sexually by my father and uncle for many years after that.. kids of the today had people that they can rely on and talk to about what was happening to them the 70’s and 80’s we kids wasnt allowed to talk about stuff like that cause nothing would had been down..
    By the time I was 9 maybe 10 my cousins which our boys would start touching me as well then they would sell me to their school mates to have me do things with them as well I have been physically and sexually abused plus being a slave in the house.
    My life was so bad that I didnt have friends I wasnt allow and I would stayed in my room and do nothing but cry..
    When I was 17 it was March 29th 1989 I had enough to be used that way. My father came home drunk we got into a huge fight physical and I didnt know where I got my strength to knocked him out. And I stand over him I said you will never put your hand on me again and I left home it was late at night and I walk along way to the town I was living in to the police station and report him and I went into the state system
    I never saw my family or relatives after that. I finished school and got my degree in medical science.
    But one thing that I was doing that I had to stop break the chain after I left home I was still have sexual relations with grown men even at 17. And selling myself.
    But what happen to me all those young years I ended up doing the same thing before I was 25 yrs old I was touching little boys myself. After the third time I checked into a treatment program to get help so I wouldn’t do what my family was doing to me.
    From that day I made a vow I would never be around small children or any kids under the age of 18. I cant have a normal relationships with other guys. I dont know the difference between what’s love or what’s sex.
    The last relationship I ever been in I couldn’t get him to treat me the way I wanted
    I learned in 2005 I have bipolar disorder I still go to counseling after all these years cause of the lost of my mother and the lost of my childhood. At a very young age.
    Since I been raped or seduced or what ever happens to boys at a young age I had 3 surgeries before 1998 I had 2 reconstruction surgeries from my private area the other I wouldnt tell you but it’s not something appropriate.. so in 2017 I found out I have PTSD.. I have good days and bad days. Some people work through it.
    But when I do I have to get somewhere safe cause I would cry none stop for 2 weeks go through post depression and later pre depression…
    But it does get better the more I work on it it get a little better everyday. You can do what everyone tell you and not to focus on it but it will always be there me I choices to work through my sexual abuse and physical abuse. And get by it.. but one thing that help me or helps me. Is to get involved with other people that are going through child molestation and abuse. Cause everything I feel that I went through I can help those over come their abuse.
    But their are hotlines that can help those of abuse. Their are supports groups that you can talk to that can help.
    I had to learn everything over the years. I had to learn to be strong and i had to spot the signs when a child is being abuse….
    Before I close here I want to add one thing everything triggers a memory now. From the smell of liquor to the smell of cigarettes to the smell dry musky sweat everything is a trigger to me.
    In my early 20’s what I did to cope from the abuse was doing illegal drugs and alcohol. But that’s something I will never recommend anyone doing….

  109. Warm hearted says:

    I’ve been so very anxious these last couple of weeks. I live in a house with my abuser. I have to be nice to him, because it upsets my mom and I don’t want to hurt her. He tries to control me still, even though he’s sick. He’s so very selfish, everything is about what he wants. I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. Sometimes I tell him off, and he calls me mean. He tells me he loves me, but that’s just a ploy to get the things he wants and make me feel sorry for him. Am I wrong to feel this way?

  110. you are not your abuse says:

    I was abused by my ex-boyfriend when I was 15 and 16. (I’m 17 now). I never told anyone either and it was confusing since it was the first time I had sex. I didn’t understand how I was supposed to feel and figured I was simply nervous or unexperienced. But truly he just made me feel awful. He pressured me into anal sex and I did enemas for him weekly out of fear and need of love and acceptance. He refused to wear a condom and never asked for consent, oftentimes doing things after I clearly said no or begged him not to. He would bruise my breasts and make me bleed often, then pout and ask for hugs and kisses from me because he “felt bad”. It would hurt so much to run at track practice with my scabs and bruises. Looking back, I’m disgusted. He would praise me constantly, then degrade me and make me feel ugly and useless and mean. Eventually, he started ignoring me after he had heightened my need for validation through abuse. Then, I would end up begging just for his attention – good or bad. It was such an awful guessing game of how he’d treat me. He locked me under his house once and another time he drew clown makeup on my face. Fitting, I know.

    Finally I began seeking out validation from other men and cheated on him by sending nudes with another boy. This pushed me to break up with him because I felt so awful for being unfaithful. This new boy has listened to me and not pried into my abuse. He cares and has never made me feel uncomfortable at all. He helps me out with everything he can and he cheers me up. I had sex with him a few times and he wore a condom. I thought I would obsess over my ex or feel numb during sex like I used to but it was enjoyable and fun and I felt so safe and happy. I slept next to him after and he brought me water and made us a bath and praised me and held me and joked around with me. Everything was normal after too and we just went on with life still happy and making jokes and falling asleep. It’s just crazy to me to see and understand that I don’t have to be treated as awfully as I have in the past. Still constantly worried that he only wants me for my body but at least he treated me with respect. I don’t think he did because we talk as good friends all the time too and I never feel scared or on edge like I do with other men sometimes. And still I think about my abuse all the time. I developed a masochism kink from it too, but its more of a fantasy than something I want in reality since it just triggers my memories. Just annoying how this shit sticks to you forever….

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