The Truth About Forgiveness – Revised

The Truth About Forgiveness – Revisedforgiveness

There is something wrong with sentences that begin with “If you forgave you would…” .  The truth is our understanding of forgiveness is often skewed.  At times, the distortion makes it seem barely possible to extend.  Survivors of abuse are especially prone to struggle with unrealistic descriptions of forgiveness.  There is past abuse and in some cases persistent abuse that endures.  Acts of abuse are not to be confused with the effects of abuse.  Some survivors are not grappling with past incidents but present harm.  In those cases forgiveness can seem illusive.  The truth is forgiveness is a decision.  It is a choice to let go and absolve the offending party.

That choice is not an invitation for further abuse.  It does not prohibit setting healthy boundaries.  In faith traditions forgiveness is often discussed in the context of remorse. However, the concept is more practical than religious.  Essentially remorse signifies a change in behavior and motivation.  It means there is clear recognition of wrong, acknowledgment of harm and a commitment to discontinue the wrong behavior.  Remorse is essential if there is any hope of moving from forgiveness to the next step of restoring the relationship, reconciliation.  However, it needs to be clear that forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation.  Forgiving your abuser does not require their approval, consent or participation.  The decision to forgive is exercised by the will of the victim. 

There are times when forgiveness is extended but reconciliation is not possible because there is no remorse. Survivors are not bound to live in an endless cycle of abuse or betrayal because they chose to forgive. Setting healthy boundaries will help improve the potential for transitioning to reconciliation in some form.  Reconciling will not magically make the relationship healthy.  Healthy relationships are formed through the efforts of all those involved.  It is wise to exercise caution in instances of prolonged abuse.  The abuser has to voice and demonstrate intentions consistent with the decision to refrain from harming the victim.   Once survivors forgive, it is up to them to determine the healthiest course of action.

Choosing to forgive does not magically erase survivors’ feelings. Making the choice to forgive may not make the relationship feel any different than when abuse occurred.  The choice to forgive has to be reaffirmed and rehearsed in spite of the transience of feelings. Feelings will ultimately subside.  What is important is the choice to forgive.  The prerequisites that apply to reconciliation do not apply to forgiveness.  There are no prerequisites for choosing to forgive.  Choosing to forgive is not dependent on what someone else chooses to do or not do.  It is the power to unconditionally extend grace.  That grace opens the door for change.  It invites it in ourselves and relationships.  When we forgive we are essentially offering an opportunity to be and/or do better.  Opportunities translate into potential.  If forgiveness is extended but there is no remorse the potential does not manifest as change as it relates to the abuser.  However, as extenders of forgiveness we are changed because we have released ourselves from the snares of bitterness, resentment and powerlessness.  We set a boundary and stand to defend it.  That is true forgiveness.

There is hope and life for those who are willing to forgive and assert their right to freedom from abuse.

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