Poll - Forgiveness

[Jamie]

What I'm trying to say is, they are so low down and beneath me I feel disconnected from them, its their own journey now I'm not stuck with them anymore. I don't think forgiveness means you feel fine about it, you learn to endure the pain and anger and it lessens over time. Forgiveness is to do with your self and not continuing to hurt yourself when you get away from your abuser. That has been my experience

That pretty much aligns with the way i feel.

[dizzy412]

Have i forgiven my abusers, no i havent, but I do beleive that at some stage along this journey I will.
I see forgivenness as a decision that the hurt one makes, its a choice. bUt at this point i am unable to forgive them. Yet i feel by not forgiving them its is somehow holding me back, stopping me from moving forwards somehow.
I think its so hard to make that decision when an abusers has hurt you so badly, so deeply. its easier to forgive other "small" less significant things and i dont generally have a problem with forgiveness.
I think in part the act of forgiving someone brings some kind of release, certainly for the victim, and probably for the abuser to. And i think that is where the difficulty lies because why should they be released in anyway.
I also beleive forgiveness is a possible route towards healing of a kind, but its a decision not a feeling.
Very difficult though but i do hope that one day i will be able to forgive them, but that time hasnot arrived yet.
Dizzy

[JellyBean]

I agree I don't think there is ever any pressure to forgive. Like I mentioned, my forgiveness just happened, it wasn't something I planned. Perhaps thats why i know its real.

Makes perfect sense, Jamie. I meant to say something similar. I really do believe (hope!) that forgiveness of my abusers comes about as a natural result of working my way through the grief. At that point, I hope I make the choice to forgive.

Oh and by the way, I may have forgiven but that doesn't mean i don't still get angry.

Absolutely! Again, this make perfect sense to me!

[raven]

is it necassary to forgive??

[Jamie]

is it necessary to forgive??

I think a level of forgive is probably a good thing - not necessarily to your abuser but forgiving yourself for the way you 'coped' is an important step.

Everyone is different though and you might have a different philosophy. If it works for you then its 'right'.

[raven]

i understand forgiving yourself but not them.

[seaweed]

I can forgive most things in life but forgiving sexaul and physical abuse just seems like something that just doesnt deserve fogiveness. I have accepted i was abused i know it was real he has admitted it in a court of law but that still doesn't mean i am ever going to forgive him.

I ofhen wonder if he sits in prison thinking about what he did to me just like i do every day about him.

I've been struggling to come up with the words to answer this question, but then i read Hopes comment and it just sounded like me. I think everyday about what he did, i have to pass the prison on my way to work everyday, i can forgive the dad in him (so much so i say morning dad/night dad on the bus as i pass), but the abuser i will never forget what he put me through.

[wdidtdi]

My first initial response to this question was "NO WAY!!!". There is no way on the earth that i could forgive them!

Then after an awful lot of thinking about this I turned the question on it's head and asked myself
"What would I need to do to make me forgive my abusers"?

Then after a lot more pondering i started to wonder to myself -

What if I were to confront them? Hypothetically (if thats spelt right)
What if after I confronted them they admitted and acknowledged what they had done?
What if I could see genuine remorse from them?
What if I could see them take ownership of the wrong they done to me??

How would I feel then?

Would I have it in me to forgive them then???

My answer then was - Maybe!!!

Sorry everyone I'm going on a bit here. But what does everyone else think. I know this senario only happens in an ideal world - which unfortunately we do not live in.

[JellyBean]

I actually do want to forgive.....totally.

I have been doing that, I think, little by little......if that's possible. You know, as specific memories come up, and as I work through the grief of those memories, I eventually reach a place of acceptance and resolution regarding those particular memories.

But as new memories come up, I have to go through the process of grieving once again. And so that is how it seems to work for me. I have not been able to forgive in one big "Forgiveness Moment." It has been a process of forgiving, just as my healing as been a process.

I wonder if this makes sense to anyone else.

I read somewhere that choosing not to forgive is like keeping oneself bound to the offender. It allows the offender to continue to have power in one's life. That's something to think about, isn't it?

I don't think that forgiveness should be the goal of healing from our abuse; I think it may come about as a result of our healing, however.

And I don't think anyone should feel bad or guilty for not having forgiven an abuser. It's a very personal issue.

[wdidtdi]

I have to agree with you Jellybean.

Its a very interesting topic, what you say makes sense to me. My ponderings are very idealistic, and i'm the type of person who could feel one thing one day and then feel something completely different the next. (my partner will vouch for this. lol)
It is more realistic to work through it all day by day, Baby Steps.
It definately got me thinking outside the box anyhow.xx

[wopette]

No, I haven't forgiven anyone in this mess..I say I have, and I really want to and want to feel like I can..But the truth is I haven't..I'm furious, I don't want to "move on" and forget it. And it makes me even more angry that I know it's right to do it..Not for them..But for me..

[Jamie]

You are confused about forgiveness. In this sense it doesn't mean you have to 'forget it'. It also doesn;t necessarily mean you have to forgive your abuser, your carer, your friends but perhaps forgive yourself and the way you have coped with things in the past. Perhaps none of things things apply to you and your abuse and it that case perhaps you don't need to forgive at all. Although the anger you experience would suggest otherwise.

Take care

Jamie

[Cocopop21]

This is a really interesting debate. I don't think when I first answered that I had actually considered what it means to forgive- Jamie's point about forgiving a partner who's cheated not meaning you're saying it's ok struck a chord. My answer is still a definite no, but having read everything on this thread, my understanding of the whole concept of forgiveness has changed considerably.

I read somewhere that choosing not to forgive is like keeping oneself bound to the offender. It allows the offender to continue to have power in one's life. That's something to think about, isn't it?

This is definitely food for thought. But in my mind I can't get over the idea that forgiving him would involve going on to have some sort of relationship with him, and that's something I can't ever imagine myself doing. I know that's not necessarily an inherent part of forgiveness, but it's an idea I can't seem to get away from.

...forgiving yourself for the way you 'coped' is an important step

I think I have forgiven myself for a lot of it, but the question asked was 'have you forgiven your abuser?'. Forgiving myself happened relatively quickly, because when I started to talk about it, five years ago, I had some fantastic friends, an amazing lecturer who gave me so much support academically and personally, and a pretty decent counsellor (unfortunately I got scared and stopped seeing her). These people all told me (and continue to tell me) repeatedly that it wasn't my fault, which has helped me to forgive myself. I wonder what my views would be if I didn't hear other people's opinions on my abuser? Obviously what he did was wrong, but would I be so venomous and hateful towards him without them, or would I forgive more easily if my opinions weren't coloured by the views of my loved ones, who hate him even though the majority have never met him?

[butterflygirl]

I saw this poll when it first came up and deliberately avoided it because i couldn't answer one way or the other.

And still.... I can't answer. I guess like quite a few of us my immediate response is to say NO. But i also understand that to 'forgive' as such must mean that you are a little ways down the road on this long journey and i'm afraid that i am not. I am just beginning and haven't 'forgiven' myself yet. As for them, My C has asked me from time to time if i hate them? or what would i do to them if i had a chance to do what i wanted and it may sound stupid but.... i don't know
I do get angry more probably because they have got on with their lives and have enjoyed healthy relationships and i'm stuck. But i guess i should be more angry with me because it's ME stopping myself from having what i want.

I know i still haven't answered but i think it's gonna take time!

Butterflygirl

[Cocopop21]

I don't think that sounds stupid. I think it's really good that you're considering things rather than just jumping in with an answer that you haven't thought about, like me and others. I also don't think it's fair of you to say that it's your fault. It's not. You were a child and you're hurting. That's allowed.
Take care.
Fiona x