HAVOCA - Negative Feedback

[Jamie]

Thanks John. I agree whole heartedly.

Separately, I'd like to add that if members post complaints and/or report posts - we always take action of some sort. Just because the complainer doesn't always receive feedback about the action doesn't mean no action was taken. Similarly, if you make demands in your reports, that after investigation by the team here, arent carried out - that doesn't mean some level of action wasn't taken.

I make no apologies for that but I appreciate not everyone will agree with that course of action.

[Zelle]

Jokes aside, not acting in a destructive manner in response to provocation is wise, but letting provocations go by can sour the atmosphere. I called out the nasty behavior of a member, which I know was appreciated by many, and I think it had a positive effect on that member's behavior, at least for some time.

The bit I’ve highlighted is especially important when others are watching, I think. Just walking away without saying something could make it appear as if no one objected. And if it's a case of someone being targeted with a nasty comment, it must feel awful to know that people read it and didn't object. Which could then lead to the conclusion "Everyone agrees that it's OK for me to be treated this way".

[Embers]

I try not to walk away - bullshit or bad stuff needs calling out in a respectful way otherwise how does anyone learn or evolve or grow in their opinions.

Plus - this mute child is now an adult with a voice and I won't be hushed but I will always try to be kind as I hate conflict it makes me anxious.

[Clods]

I agree it's sometimes important to say something when we see things we think are thoughtless, disrespectful or unkind - But sometimes it's also important to remember we don't have to engage. If something makes you anxious, it's fine to just ignore or not read. Sometimes there may be something that I find upsetting, but that others need to express.

x

[Zelle]

I agree it's sometimes important to say something when we see things we think are thoughtless, disrespectful or unkind - But sometimes it's also important to remember we don't have to engage. If something makes you anxious, it's fine to just ignore or not read. Sometimes there may be something that I find upsetting, but that others need to express.

I agree with this because there's a difference between a comment that is disrespectful and one that is merely unpleasant to read. Though sometimes I find it hard to tell the difference...

[DIVINE]

Knoweledge will give you power....but good character will earn you Respect...thread drift...sorry...

[DIVINE]

I try not to walk away - bullshit or bad stuff needs calling out in a respectful way otherwise how does anyone learn or evolve or grow in their opinions.

Plus - this mute child is now an adult with a voice and I won't be hushed but I will always try to be kind as I hate conflict it makes me anxious.

Thank you

[pondbug]

wow, read though all of this and i now feel quite vulnerable,

i know it ain't all about me .......... is it?

[Zelle]

I didn't get the feeling it's about a specific person, [mention]pondbug[/mention].

But I, too, read this and thought 'Is it Moi?'

[DIVINE]

No not specific to anyone

[G&S]

I didn't get the feeling it's about a specific person, @pondbug.

But I, too, read this and thought 'Is it Moi?'

Ditto ……
We were thinking “everything we say, maybe taken down and used against you”

This whole thing is horrid

I wish there was a restart button!

[pondbug]

so i forgive everyone, especially the trespassers .... love to you all.

i hope i do better and if i don't hope what else is there.

[DIVINE]

so i forgive everyone, especially the trespassers .... love to you all.

i hope i do better and if i don't hope what else is there.

[ashridge_mack]

I'd just like to spin the aspect of this that I think is perhaps to do with why a number of people have found this thread a bit difficult (myself included)...

We're all survivors, and survivors are (as we all know) very prone to feelings of (completely unwarranted) self-blame. A huge part of our healing journeys is, imo, shifting this. And I think a major effect of presenting this single anonymous criticism of the atmosphere of the forum (by an unknown new member) as a definitely valid opinion is that it's unsurprisingly provoked a lot of guilty feelings of self-blame.

I think it's worth pointing out that the ever-growing numbers of people here are here, in fact, precisely because they feel it's an incredibly supportive, warm place: as many posts still point out.

So I'm not sure that indulging in a lot of anxious introspection as to whether we've each, individually, been nasty or cruel etc is actually appropriate. Particularly when we know exactly nothing at all about the person who's suggested there's a problem. It wouldn't be the first time someone's turned up on the forum whose views turned out to be anywhere from highly idiosyncratic through to being full of inappropriate act-outs and blame!

So personally I think we should not get too caught up in all this self-blame. We're a lot of different people, not everything's perfect, but overall the atmosphere here is super-welcoming and supportive, and we should all be proud of our parts in that! Specific problems need to be addressed, but there's nothing good about wallowing in general self-doubt and self-blame, when the overall atmosphere is lovely.

xxxx

[Zelle]

Hi ashridge_mac,

Thank you for your comment. You've put into words things I've struggled to verbalise!

Specific problems need to be addressed, but there's nothing good about wallowing in general self-doubt and self-blame, when the overall atmosphere is lovely.

It's good to be specific and direct. It creates trust, I think.

xxxx