Child Abuse – Grief Process
People, particularly psychologists, can categorise everything that happens to us in our lives. For example it has been suggested that there are four phases of response to being violated. The first reaction is disbelief and shock (in some cases where adults have only just realised they were abused as children, this initial phase can be delayed). This is then followed by a ‘frozen fright’, a sort of detached pseudo calm during which the victim is compliant and appeasing. (It is this appearance of cooperation that will be confused with consent when the victim looks back on the experience). The third phase is a delayed but chronic traumatic depression combined with ’bouts of apathy, anger, resignation, resentment, constipated rage, insomnia,’ and repeated replaying of events. The final phase is characterised by resolving the traumatic experience and integrating it into the victimised person’s behaviour and life-style.
Before this fourth phase can occur, a grief process must take place. ‘Grief!!…’ I hear you cry, ‘…isn’t that when somebody dies?’ Well actually whenever something is taken away from somebody he or she will experience a grief response. In the case of victims of child abuse you have probably lost your innocence, your childhood, the ability to trust, etc. Everyone grieves in their own way but they all tend to follow a pattern. This pattern is known as the five stages of grief.
People move between the different stages at different rates and can jump around between each phase. Recovery is more of a process than an event. Is important that although talk of phases and stages seems very cold and clinical you must remember that you are suffering inside and any discussion of recovery must be done slowly and methodically. Take your time and treat yourself gently.
Five Stages of Grief
DENIAL
“Nothing happened”
BARGAINING
“Something happened, but….”
ANGER
“Something bad happened, and I don’t like it!!”
SADNESS
“Something happened, and it cost me a lot”
ACCEPTANCE/FORGIVENESS
“Something happened, and I have healed from it”
Coming to terms with your grief isn’t going to be easy. A good way to begin is by reading this section and learning about each stage then perhaps make entries about your thoughts and feelings in a journal. A journal will help you express your thoughts so that you can develop your feelings. If you feel this is unnatural you can talk to a loved one or a therapist. We strongly recommend you seek professional help and you can use our section on choosing a therapist to help you decide.
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