CONFRONTING THE PERPETRATOR OF CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT
Thirty-three years ago, I took a drive with my older brother to discuss his exploitation of me between the ages of seven and ten. I handed him a 9-page handwritten letter that was the culminating project of the incest survivor’s group I’d struggled through, then perspired as he read it.
Freshwater and colleagues stated that the benefits survivors may realize when stating the facts to their abusers include an increase in personal power, assertiveness and self-esteem, and decreases in guilt, depression, helplessness, and fear. If the survivor has contact with the perpetrator, positive changes in the relationship may occur.1 The authors interviewed a statistically small sample of twelve survivors about their experiences of confronting their abusers, finding that all participants perceived it as beneficial. None of the perpetrators accepted responsibility for the abuse and some women reported negative reactions from family members. The clinicians cautioned that if a survivor faces off too early in the therapeutic process or without proper preparation, direct confrontation can be a source of extreme emotional pain and disappointment, particularly if the survivor expects her abuser to accept responsibility for the abuse (which perpetrators rarely do).
Danielle Bostick wrote an article in The Washington Post on 11/13/14 about confronting her abuser after 30 years of silence. Her swim coach had moved in with her mother, herself, and younger sibling when her parents divorced—to “help” during a difficult time. He packed her lunches, provided transportation and childcare, and played video games with the children. He also sexually abused her between the ages of 7 and 12. Until she read about a swim coach in another city molesting children, she had blocked nearly all memories of that 5-year period.2
“Naming and disclosing such an experience can dredge up intense emotional pain, shatter the identity a victim has worked hard to construct, threaten her sense of normalcy, and disrupt interpersonal relationships.” That alternate reality, however, allowed her to maintain contact with the perpetrator over decades. Bostick realized that continuing to keep the secret was unhealthy for her and her family, in addition to being dangerous for the community where the abuser continued to coach swimming. In talking to the police, she hoped to destigmatize child sexual assault, to disrupt the culture of shame and silence associated with sex crime, and to empower other victims to begin their healing journey. “While my life no longer felt comfortable or normal, it felt authentic. I was no longer living a charade. . .in confronting the truth about my shattered childhood, I feel whole.”
Eva Jenny Dorstaindottir conducted research at a help center for survivors of sexual violence in Iceland near Reykjavic University. Eighty-eight percent of the 1894 participants were women and all had completed a 19-item multiple choice survey, seven items of which she studied. Only 19% of the perpetrators were confronted by their victims, and of those, nearly 46% denied the assault, 30% admitted their guilt, and 24% blamed the victim.3 Survivors were more likely to confront the abuser if he was a family member (98% of perpetrators were male) and in those cases of incest the abuser was more likely to admit the assault. Family members were the perpetrators in 43% of the cases in this sample.
When I confronted my brother, I wanted answers. Where had he gotten ideas about oral sex and sodomy? Had he been sexually assaulted, and if so, by whom? Why did he choose to violate me? Was he tormented by having abused me over a period of 3 years? My brother didn’t answer those questions, which I found frustrating, even maddening. Unlike the majority of perpetrators, he admitted his responsibility for the abuse and apologized, but these rang fairly hollow. I had entered the face-off with high expectations and was sorely disappointed.
If you’re considering a confrontation with the perpetrator of an assault, it may be worthwhile to contemplate your hopes or objectives in advance. A blog by Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (HAVOCA) suggests various reasons for contacting a perpetrator: to tell him how you felt as a child and how you feel now; to help you to understand how and why the abuse occurred; to alleviate your fears that others were or are currently being abused; or to establish a more honest, healthy relationship with the perpetrator. Any of these can be positive reasons to have the discussion and reinforce the fact that you weren’t responsible for the abuse.4
Stages HAVOCA says you might want to go through in planning a confrontation:
- Be prepared for the abuser to deny your accusation or to defend himself.
- List what you want to say to the abuser.
- Practice how you want the conversation to go.
- Write to the perpetrator to prepare him for the discussion.
- Set ground rules you want to stick to (such as you want the abuser to listen until you’re finished speaking, then you’ll listen to what he or she has to say).
- Take someone with you to give you support or even act as a mediator (could merely sit nearby to ensure your comfort and safety).
- Meet where you’ll feel comfortable having this discussion.
- Ensure that you remain in control of the conversation; leave if it is not going well.
- If the abuser minimizes the abuse (blows it off as a tickling, wrestling or innocent game), calmly explain the abuse in more detail. Tell how it made you feel, how it makes you feel now.
The HAVOCA article indicates that you may leave the confrontation with your abuser feeling like you’ve accomplished nothing, but it will be a relief to finally break the code of silence you’ve been obeying for years or even decades. Keep in mind, if direct confrontation feels threatening or impossible for you, it’s not necessary to confront your abuser in person. You can write and mail a letter or write a letter that you never send. You can write in a journal, role-play a confrontation with a trusted friend or therapist, or confront an empty chair as if the perpetrator were sitting there attending to your every word.
There are numerous potential benefits for survivors who confront their abusers and there are risks. I’ve never spoken to or read about a survivor who was completely satisfied with the outcome of such an encounter, yet most say they’re glad they had the courage to go through with it. This decision is one to carefully contemplate and to discuss with your significant other, a therapist, spiritual mentor, or a trusted friend. I wish all survivors health and joy on their paths to recovery.
1 Freshwater, K., Ainscough, C., Toon, K. (2002). Confronting abusers: the opinions of clinicians and survivors. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse. 11 (4), 35-52.
2 Bostick, D. (2014). After 30 years, a woman confronts her abuser—and herself. The Washington Post.
3 Dostaindottir, E. J. (2017). Survivors of sexual violence confronting their perpetrators. Thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of BSc in Psychology degree, Reykjavik University.
4 No author cited. (2014). Approaching your abuser. Help for Victims of Child Abuse.
