EIGHT WAYS TO PROVIDE SAFE SPACE FOR A LOVED ONE DEALING WITH SEXUAL TRAUMA
“Being a close supporter of a woman actively healing from child sexual abuse can be a challenge,” Ellen Bass and Laura Davis wrote in The Courage to Heal. “While being part of a deep healing process holds the potential for tremendous growth and intimacy, it can also leave you feeling conflicted, overwhelmed, or resentful. You may be frightened or confused, unsure of what to do, how to feel, or what to expect. These are natural and appropriate responses to a complex and trying human situation.”1 They recommended educating yourself about sexual assault and the recovery process, and that you respect the time and space required.
The following suggestions are some that appeared in HelpGuide’s blog entitled “Helping Someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”2 and Lindsay Wheeler’s article, “The Three Pillars for Creating Safe Space: Managing Trauma Symptoms During COVID-19.”3
1) Be a good listener, whose goal is to understand rather than to rescue or give advice. Validating the survivor’s feelings and reflecting them is crucial. Try not to have expectations and avoid judgment. Expressing your own anger, outrage, or compassion for the survivor’s suffering is fine, but do not share your own experiences unless asked.
2) Deal with volatility and anger by remaining calm, giving personal space, and asking how you can help. Sometimes meeting a loud voice with a soft one defuses the other’s intensity.
3) Provide social support by letting your loved one take the lead in deciding what she can do to feel better. Survivors have difficulty compromising and/or relinquishing control but may be willing to tell you what they need help with. Lighten her load whenever you can.
4) Encourage a consistent routine at home (getting up, mealtimes, showers, exercise, bedtime). Most people find predictability soothing.
5) Make every effort to build trust and safety. Do what you say you will do, keep your promises, express your commitment to the relationship, and emphasize your loved one’s strengths and your confidence in her ability to heal.
6) Try to anticipate and manage “triggers,” those places, people, and things which might send the survivor into a tailspin.
7) Create a “coping corner,” a private space where the survivor can have alone time. The purpose is to tune out negative thoughts, distressing emotions, and social stressors. Keep the space welcoming, at a comfortable temperature, and clutter-free. The survivor might want to implement soothing strategies using the five senses.
sight: books, photos of nature or favorite people, spiritual quotes, visiting a virtual museum, doing a puzzle, adult coloring book/colored pencils
smell: scented candles, favorite lotion, incense
touch: soft blanket, comfortable shirt or socks, a place where the sun shines in
sound: listening to soothing music, sounds of nature, a wooden flute
taste: eating a favorite snack or dessert in moderation, focusing on texture and taste, trying a new recipe, having tea, coffee, spiced cider, or hot chocolate
8) Explore the benefits of treatment or a support group (opportunity to address specific problems such as anger, anxiety, shame, guilt, helplessness, difficulty with concentration, memory, sustained employment, or depression).
Bass and Davis stressed the importance of survivor’s partners taking care of their own needs as well: time-outs during especially stressful periods, talking to someone who can relate to your situation, getting into a support group or counseling.
In The Right to Innocence, Beverly Engel wrote, “The sexual relationship between survivor and partner is commonly very strained and problematic.” Some forms of intimacy or parts of the survivor’s body may be “off-limits” for a time.4 Understanding that these difficulties result from abuse and are not a reflection of her feelings toward you is essential. Partners should avoid pressuring or “guilting” the survivor, communicating instead your desire for intimacy and closeness. You might suggest merely holding each other or giving a massage, while expressing that you are willing to put your own sexual needs on hold for a while. Recovery from sexual assault is often a bumpy journey, yet one that can yield relational depth and longevity.
1 Bass, Ellen & Davis, Laura. Courage to Heal. New York: Harper & Row, 1988.
2 Smith, M. & Robinson, L. (2021). Helping someone with post traumatic stress disorder. HelpGuild.org.
3 Wheeler, L. (2020). The three pillars for creating safe space: managing trauma symptoms during covid 19. High Focus Treatment Centers.
4 Engle, Beverly. The Right to Innocence. New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1989.
