When the Darkness Feels Too Heavy: A Message for Those Thinking of Ending It All
Sometimes the pain is so loud, so constant, so unrelenting, that the idea of ending it all doesn’t feel dramatic — it feels like relief.
If you’ve ever found yourself searching for ways to disappear, or watching programs about suicide and wondering if it’s the only way out… you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
Many survivors of childhood abuse carry invisible wounds that stretch across decades. The weight of shame, isolation, and unresolved trauma can feel unbearable. But here’s the truth: wanting the pain to stop is not the same as wanting your life to end.
You Are Not Alone
At HAVOCA, we know how quiet and convincing those thoughts can be. We know how they whisper things like:
- “No one would miss me.”
- “I’ve tried everything.”
- “I’m too damaged to be helped.”
But we also know this: those thoughts are not facts. They are symptoms of pain. And pain can be witnessed, softened, and survived — especially when it’s shared.
What Helps in the Moment
If you’re in a dark place right now, here are a few gentle suggestions that have helped others:
- Tell someone. A friend, a therapist, a fellow survivor on the forums. You don’t have to explain everything — just say, “I’m struggling.”
- Write it down. Not to fix it, but to get it out of your head. Sometimes naming the pain reduces its grip.
- Delay the decision. Give yourself 24 hours. Then another. Then another. You don’t have to choose forever today.
- Find a thread of connection. A pet. A child. A memory. A piece of music. Anything that reminds you you’re still here.
- Visit the forums. We’re building a dedicated space for these moments — a thread where you can speak freely, be held gently, and find others who’ve stood in the same place and kept walking.
You Deserve to Stay
You are not a burden. You are not too much. You are not beyond help.
You are a survivor — and that means you’ve already done the impossible. You’ve lived through what should never have happened. And even now, in this moment, you are still here.
That matters.
Final Thoughts
This blog isn’t meant to fix everything. It’s meant to reach out a hand in the dark and say: We see you. We hear you. We want you to stay.
If you’re struggling, please don’t carry it alone. There is space for you here — in the forums, in the community, in the world.
You are wanted. You are worthy. You are not alone.
Survivor-Sensitive Resources for Suicide Prevention
HAVOCA’s Dedicated Forum Space
- A private, application-only space where survivors can speak openly about suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Includes peer support threads, distraction techniques, and a link to the “Limiting the Damage” leaflet. Note: This space is not moderated by professionals. Members are encouraged to seek external help when in crisis.
Downloadable Guides & Worksheets
From :
- StayAlive Booklet – Packed with helplines, safety plans, and coping strategies.
- Reasons for Living Worksheet – A printable tool to help anchor hope.
- Bereavement Support Leaflet – For those affected by suicide loss.
- LGBTQ+ Pocket Resource – Tailored support for identity-based challenges.
- Youth Anxiety & Exam Stress Guides – Practical tips for younger survivors.
Hope Against Suicide
- Offers safe pain substitutions, self-harm alternatives, and links to trusted helplines like Samaritans, CALM, and HOPELINEUK.
Crisis Helplines (UK-Based)
- Samaritans – 116 123 (24/7, free)
- HOPELINEUK (Papyrus) – 0800 068 4141 (for under 35s)
- CALM – 0800 58 58 58 (for men, 5pm–midnight)
For Those Feeling Alone or Overwhelmed
- Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig A deeply personal, hopeful account of living through depression and suicidal ideation. Haig speaks to his younger self with honesty and warmth, reminding readers that survival is possible — even beautiful.
- The Recovery Letters edited by Olivia Sagan & James Withey A collection of heartfelt letters from people who’ve lived with depression, written to those still in it. Gentle, validating, and full of solidarity.
- How Not to Kill Yourself: A Portrait of the Suicidal Mind by Clancy Martin A raw, philosophical memoir that explores suicidal thoughts with nuance and compassion. Martin blends personal experience with reflections on literature, psychology, and survival.
